Overwhelming Guilt At Not Being There When My Dog Died?

brigidcooley75

December 2017, my 12 year old dog (Millie) had been at the vet because she seemed off colour, and they took her temperature which was low, and she was cold, they did some bloods and asked if we wanted to her to stay, I said no I wanted to take her home (which I now beat myself up about as well).

She still seemed off at home, she had been given medication by the vet, thinking it might have been an infection or something. Anyway, in the space of a couple hours she got off the bed and her back legs from under her, which sent me into a panic, and she went floppy. I called my mum and dad (who were in the house) and they drove her to the vets immediately. I kissed her on her face and in my stupid mind I thought it was just a bad infection and if she went the vets they'd be able to treat it and it would all be okay.

When my mum and dad got home, they said the head vet took her in immediately, and put her on a drip, had a red light on her (I'm assuming that is a heat lamp of some kind?) and said they'd keep her in overnight to monitor her and she was given lots of medicine and just slept.

Mum told me when she handed her over to the vet, she seemed to out of it to notice they weren't there. The vet said he'd ring with any updates. Anyway, I was balling crying all night and at 5am the vet rang saying that she had passed away, he said she seemed to perk up in the middle of the night but then crashed and passed.

He asked if we wanted to come up to see her but I couldn't, I was too frightened to see my beloved Millie laying dead there. So the vet arranged for the pet funeral department (an amazing person who has a vehicle that brings your pet to a resting chapel, where they take some hair as a keep sake and they lay there until cremation (which is what we chose)) so her collected her that morning and brought her to the chapel.

I know it sounds awful but I couldn't bare to see her dead, all stiff and lifeless, but now for the past 2 years, I've had bouts of horrendous guilt of not going to see her, not being there when she died and how everything happened. The vet said when he got the blood results that it seemed to be more wrong that an infection, that it was likely her kidneys and something else but they'd have needed more testing.

I've always brought my animals to the vets, religiously with anything, even Millie, 5 years ago she had a lump on her butt area, she had an operation to remove that. Then she got one on her knee, and we got that looked at and the vet said it was like a non-cancerous cyst thing or a fatty lump I can't remember clearly, but she was always in good health besides that. Then 2 years previously she started wetting the bed a bit, and my first dog had died of Kidney failure which could have been due to his epilepsy medication long terms side effects. But he didn't do that, he started getting very ill over a week before he passed.

Millie was the same, and 6 months before she died she hadn't had a wetting accident at all. So, it was either some sort of cancer that wasn't picked up in the blood tests that were done or her kidneys and an infection. She was nearly 13 years old. (Btw, she was a Borzoi, the most beautiful dog you've ever seen).

I'm just been overwhelmed with guilt and depression because I wasn't there when she died, I didn't go to see her body, I didn't recognize the symptoms of what she had earlier, and it's been eating me away all this time. I'm so woefully unhappy without her in my life as well, I feel, even with all the animals I have still now, that theirs a big hole in my life, an emptiness following me around.

I don't know what to do anymore, or how to overcome this grief/guilt I'm bearing, it's tearing me apart inside. My mum and dad have said since it's happened that it was one of those things that couldn't be helped, that she wouldn't have known or cared if you were there because she was too tired and too sick to know, but it doesn't make me feel better, it just makes me think of her on her own again.

It's very messy when I try make sense of it. What can I do to come to terms with this?

Cherry Blossom

Hi OP,

Have you considered going to see a councillor about this. While these feelings are normal when a pet dies they really shouldnt be still around to this extent two years on. My local family resource centre has a lady that comes in to give councelling sesions and cbt. There is no charge for this service. Maybe see if something like that exists locally to you.

brigidcooley75

Cherry Blossom wrote: »

Hi OP,

Have you considered going to see a councillor about this. While these feelings are normal when a pet dies they really shouldnt be still around to this extent two years on. My local family resource centre has a lady that comes in to give councelling sesions and cbt. There is no charge for this service. Maybe see if something like that exists locally to you.

Hi, thank you. I understand, yeah I'm on a waiting list, regarding my already existing anxiety but my doctor said it will be at least 6 months or more, unless I go private, but at the moment I can't afford that unfortunately, not when it's 60 Euro a session.

I'll try self-CBT or PMR to help relax in some way, and do some volunteering. Thanks again!

Cherry Blossom

I know someone who availed of the service from the FRC and there was no waiting they were seen straight away and as i said no charge. It would be worth checking out if any community groups near you do similar. Certainly stay on the waiting list for the HSE therapy but it certainly won't do any harm to check out free local services. Where are you based?

Always Tired

When dogs are put to sleep they are knocked out beforehand so they can go peacefully and when they actually die, are unaware of anyone being there anyway.

Even while awake the dog wouldn't be thinking, 'I'm about to die, where is my owner?' Only you would know what was actually happening and if you couldnt deal with it at the time you were better off staying away. The dog wouldnt be comforted any if there owner is there crying and upset, you know?

Why feel guilty over a few minutes after giving them a good lifetime?

cocker5

Always Tired wrote: »

When dogs are put to sleep they are knocked out beforehand so they can go peacefully and when they actually die, are unaware of anyone being there anyway.

Even while awake the dog wouldn't be thinking, 'I'm about to die, where is my owner?' Only you would know what was actually happening and if you couldnt deal with it at the time you were better off staying away. The dog wouldnt be comforted any if there owner is there crying and upset, you know?

Why feel guilty over a few minutes after giving them a good lifetime?

I don’t think that’s the case 9 times of 10, some dogs are sedated slightly but not knocked out..

Cherry Blossom

Ive only had one dog pts as an adult and he was well and truly knocked out!

Always Tired

cocker5 wrote: »

I don’t think that’s the case 9 times of 10, some dogs are sedated slightly but not knocked out..

I performed euthanasia as an animal shelter worker. Can't speak for what they do everywhere but they were 100% unconscious every time, or else I wouldnt proceed with the fatal injection. Can't imagine why you would keep them conscious while you tourniquet and find a vein and theyre not going to be woken back up, nor do you want them to feel any pain or become stressed in their last moments.

Why do you think otherwise, just out of curiosity?

CramCycle

cocker5 wrote: »

I don’t think that’s the case 9 times of 10, some dogs are sedated slightly but not knocked out..

They are well and truly knocked out, the moral and legal ethical issue if they weren't are larger than you think. I say this as someone who is regrettably been there at the end of alot of animals lives.

At the OP, not being there was probably the nicest thing you could have done. Your lovely dog would have picked up your anxiety and stress and their last thoughts would have been stressed, By not being there, they probably though nothing more than I am tired, better lie down, Brigid will collect me later.

cocker5

Well I lost my guy 8 weeks ago and he was not knocked out .. slightly sedated yes but not completely knocked out as you both seem to think .. he even lifted his little head a looked at the vet as she gave him the anaesthetic.... he went very peacefully.

I know 3 other people who have also lost their animals over the last 18 months again none were completely knocked out .. different vets.
I think your assuming this is always the case and it’s clearly not.

No trying to derail this thread but it it’s not right to make sweeping statement that’s not true.

Anyway OP I’m so sorry your feeling this way .. if it’s an consolation I was with my guy when he passed and I still feel guilt everyday .. did I make the right decision for him and was it the right time x

I feel for you it’s awful .. but your dog .. my dog were the lucky ones with family who loved them and love and happiness in their lives x they knew they were very much loved. And that’s what matters

Checkmate19

Op i feel your pain. Only thing is to remember all the good times you had with the dog. Theres little you could have done. Its hard to see symptoms. It the same when people fall ill. Alot of the time its sudden. You done everything for your dog and you shouldnt blame yourself. I dont think i would want to see my dog dead either. My brother had to go get our dog put down due to cancer years back and he wasnt himself for a while. I think you need to try not blame yourself and just know you loved your dog and did everything you could.

Mitzy

Oh OP I fully understand how you are feeling. I had to have my dog put to sleep last year as she had cancer & was almost 15 years old. Although I was with her and was holding her I still feel that maybe I could have done more. Could I have brought her to the vet to be diagnosed sooner etc. A million things went through my head and still are but I know in my heart of hearts I made the right decision for her. I could have kept her a few more days or weeks but that would have been selfish of me because the poor thing was in pain and I would have been prolonging that pain just so that I wouldn't have had to let her go.

The only thing I found to help me through the grief is to know that every single day when my dog was alive I did the absolute best for her. She was loved more than anything and I know that she had the best life with me. Try not to focus on those last few moments. Think about all the good times you had together.

The hardest part about losing a pet is finding people who understand to talk to about the loss. I think that only people who have a pet understand so do you have any friends who have been through this? If so chat to them about how you are feeling or as the others have mentioned above consider bereavement counselling. I think it would be a great help to you.

Everyone on the thread unfortunately have this one thing in common so chat away if you are feeling low or need any help whatsoever.

Grab All Association

There’s absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. Trust me it worse seeing them die.

brigidcooley75

Thank you all for your kind posts and helping me, and it is helping hearing from others about this and what others have gone through.

Dubl07

Every dog is precious and burrows into your soul and heart.
To lose a cherished pet is to lose a part of yourself.
Grieve for your loss but please don't feel guilty. Each one of us is only capable of doing our best to care for our animals, our family and ourselves. Now your dog is out of pain and you are in pain so you need to try and heal that hurt. Perhaps start by forgiving yourself. And breathe.