Could you continue being friends?

Capt. Autumn

I was in a class of seven in an army environment back in the 90s.
We spent four years in the same classroom and, as we were in the military in the same living quarters also. As you can imagine we got very close, visiting each other's homes, attending each other's weddings etc...

As you might expect, we drifted apart as the years, some stayed in the army, some left to make a career on civvy street.
I still felt we had a link from those four years...
I hadn't seen any of the guys for about five years, phone calls were becoming less common, but I still felt we had a link that our shared time together could never break.

Early this year we formed a whattsapp group and it felt good to touch base again. I even rang a couple of the guys and was upfront about why I hadn't been in touch, severe depression. We had made plans to meet again later in the year.

We met up and it was here I discovered that one of the seven had lost their Dad a month previously. The two guys I had spoken to on the phone had practically driven past my house on the way to the funeral but it never occurred to them to let me know that there had been a bereavement. I had lived beside the guy whose Dad died for four years after we had left the army so I felt I should have been there for him.

I'm now thinking that whatever remnants is left of our group's friendship is not worth talking about. I cannot understand their behavior and am thinking strongly of taking my name off the whattsapp group and cutting my ties. Any thoughts?

I see sheep

It doesn't seem like anyone did anything wrong to me.

I assume the friend whose father died told one of the other friends but not you?

Are you angry at him or them?

Did you know his father well or something?

I wouldn't worry about it man.

Friendships, like all relationships, exist between individuals and not groups. If you haven’t been mutually active in maintaining friendships with each other formed one-to-one years ago then the relationships and dynamic of that group association will have changed over time.

Don’t take it personally. You need to put in the time and effort to be present in their lives as they are today, not just reminiscing about the past. It may seem counterintuitive to you at the moment but one of you losing a parent shouldn’t be a catalyst for renewing friendships throughout the group. You didn’t get a call because you’re not close, so just let that go. It’s not meant to exclude you, or they wouldn’t have even met up at this stage, after so many years.

What you should ask yourself is whether or not they’re individual guys you want to be friends with now, looking at what you have in common today. Do you really know them? Do they really know you? Do you *want* and have you the time and energy to invest in each other?

If any of those questions (which they’ll also have to answer privately) gets a ‘no’ response, you just have to accept that life has moved on to a point where you have nothing in common except some shared time decades ago.

Filmer Paradise

I've been in tight groups down thru the years..

Hardly in touch with any of them now.

Circumstances and priorities with people change & before you know it you haven't seen these people in 10 years.

Out of sight, out of mind.
In general unless you're related, or live close, most friendships fall by the wayside.

People move on, do their own thing.

Nothing personal.

Strumms

Filmer Paradise wrote: »

I've been in tight groups down thru the years..

Hardly in touch with any of them now.

Circumstances and priorities with people change & before you know it you haven't seen these people in 10 years.

Out of sight, out of mind.
In general unless you're related, or live close, most friendships fall by the wayside.

People move on, do their own thing.

Nothing personal.

Friendships require effort, more as you get older but friendships should always be a priority...

Example a friend calls me tomorrow and says “Strumms... how about we go to the match at Dalymount on Friday ?” Unless I have something actually happening on Friday I’m saying YES.

I’ve one friend who is as a friend probably hanging by a thread for a while now.... when I or the others do call him to make the same suggestion it’s... “well, sounds deadly but I’ll need to talk to herself and see what she’s doing”.

I’m thinking, “well I’m just going to tell my other half I’m going to the match, I’ll invite her too” if she says she was thinking of us going to the cinema, I’m letting her know barring an earthquake or someone actually stealing the cinema it’s still going to be there on Saturday to see, the match won’t be on on Saturday".

You need to prioritize friends too. Don’t ever put a relationship in front of your friends. Enable both to coexist naturally... if the other half or a friend get difficult and selfish about that get difficult about them being in your life.

cj maxx

OP, friends are important but don't get too immersed in your friendships.
You were great friends at 20
Then some got married, some had kids some lost parents , some changed their priorities, as I'm sure you did.
Life goes on . Don't take it personally

B.A._Baracus

That's life dude.
I don't mean that in a harsh way either. People move on. People forge new friendships and the old ones fade.


But this is where people will probably disagree with me with the following and that's ... Well I don't have much time for old friends.
I have met old friends and chatted with them. Thinking we'd pick up where we last left off. Like back to the old days. It rarely feels that way on their end I find.
But people move on. I understand. I just don't kinda care anymore.

Graces7

friendships are like plants; they need frequent watering and attention. If folk do not hear from you for a while they will assume you are no longer interested, and will not intrude.
try renewing contact on a regular basis before you decide?

Cee-Jay-Cee

I think your overthinking this.

Maybe they assumed that you knew? How were they to know that you didn’t know?

I wouldn’t let it come between a friendship, you won’t have friends like that again. Forget about it and just make sure that you keep in contact with them from now on.

sunny2004

His father died. That's the priority. Not your feelings.

ytpe2r5bxkn0c1

You're way overthinking all this.

As for friendships, they are really with individuals not groups. And they can come and go as our lives develop and move on. If there's one of the guy's you're particularly friendly with then make contact and rekindle the friendship - providing he wishes to of course. But we can't always hold on to things that may have bonded us to others at particular stages of our lives, particularly in our youth.

Zorya

I have never had more than one, maximum two good friends at any given time. That time usually has specific parameters eg school, university, a shared intense project worked on together, a mutual hobby etc. Most friends from long ago are really largely fond memories.
There are a few friends who are situation specific in that our mutual interest in uncommon things forges a bond that does not require constant tending - we can pick up with immediate closeness though years intervene.
There are but one or two people outside of family that I know would truly go the extra mile if trouble dawned - I am grateful for those people but I know they are truly rare. Maybe this is human nature?
I don't really trust this whole thicker than thieves style friendship some apparently have with others, this almost excessive bonding - over many years of observing life I have seen too many people who once were jealously inseparable become lukewarm if not outright enemies. I guess I am cynical.

The fact that I have enormous family contacts on both sides means I don't have the need for extra friends - people on his side who are not blood relations are my closest people along with my own large birth family, and their loved ones, among them there are true friends with whom I am blessed. These I call family not friends. They are always but a phone call away and they will rally immediately with open arms, as I will instantly to them. Maybe it's weird but when I have need of what is called friendship there is such a long line of aunties, uncles, siblings, in laws and mine and their children to get through that I don't need anyone else. Maybe other people are like that OP?

TL:DR = Blood v Water
Chin up OP, tis life. Be as nice as you want to be just because you want to be, with zero expectations for a return.