Help! Advice needed

Confused dad

Hi folks, I really need some advice. My wife and I seperated 2 years ago. We have a 5 year old daughter. We are both now in relationships. Today was our daughters birthday and I offered to have her party in my house as indoor play centres were booked out. My ex wife didn't want it at hers as she didnt want loads of kids in and out making a mess apparently. My ex wife and her family were invited as was her new partner.

My partner and I decorated the house last night and my partner also baked all day yesterday making cupcakes, rice Crispie buns etc.

Well today when my ex arrived for the party she and her family just opened the front door and walked in (no ringing the doorbell) and proceeded to ignore my partner, my mother and my father. They were offered tea, coffee etc. Which was also met with silence. My exes friend who is our daughters god mother then arrived and proceeded to sit ignoring my family and my partner while making smart remarks under her breath.

Eventually more my family and friends arrived with their kids as did our daughters schoolmates. My partner answered the door to a few of parents dropping off at which point my ex asked her to stop answering the door as it's not her daughter's party. She then proceeded to give me a dressing down and said it was really inconsiderate of me to have my partner there for our daughters party (despite the fact she asked my earlier in the week if my partner would make cakes and buns). I bit my tongue and rose above it.

My daughter is staying with me for the remainder of the weekend and we only realised after the party that her mother bundled all the lovely presents she received from her grandparents on my side, other members of my family and our daughters schoolmates, into her car and took them to her house after the party. My little girl was gutted as she was left after her party with no presents to open.

I put up with the ignoring me and my family, and the general awkward atmosphere they created but this really hurt our little girl as she now has to wait until Tuesday to get her presents.

How should I handle this? Should I go and demand the presents? This will only create more aggro, I'm sure of it, or should I just leave it alone?

I really just wanted our daughter to enjoy her birthday and we bent over backwards to throw her a great party in my house, only to be made feel like strangers in our own home. Should I lay it all out and create and argument or keep the peace for our daughters sake. I worry if it's not addressed, it'll happen again at the next gathering. Some advice would be greatly appreciated! Thanks in advance

Dtp1979

It must be so hard to deal with a cun t like that. Maybe text her and explain like you did above, but I’d say it’ll fall on deaf ears.

Abba987

Confused dad wrote: »

Hi folks, I really need some advice. My wife and I seperated 2 years ago. We have a 5 year old daughter. We are both now in relationships. Today was our daughters birthday and I offered to have her party in my house as indoor play centres were booked out. My ex wife didn't want it at hers as she didnt want loads of kids in and out making a mess apparently. My ex wife and her family were invited as was her new partner.

My partner and I decorated the house last night and my partner also baked all day yesterday making cupcakes, rice Crispie buns etc.

Well today when my ex arrived for the party she and her family just opened the front door and walked in (no ringing the doorbell) and proceeded to ignore my partner, my mother and my father. They were offered tea, coffee etc. Which was also met with silence. My exes friend who is our daughters god mother then arrived and proceeded to sit ignoring my family and my partner while making smart remarks under her breath.

Eventually more my family and friends arrived with their kids as did our daughters schoolmates. My partner answered the door to a few of parents dropping off at which point my ex asked her to stop answering the door as it's not her daughter's party. She then proceeded to give me a dressing down and said it was really inconsiderate of me to have my partner there for our daughters party (despite the fact she asked my earlier in the week if my partner would make cakes and buns). I bit my tongue and rose above it.

My daughter is staying with me for the remainder of the weekend and we only realised after the party that her mother bundled all the lovely presents she received from her grandparents on my side, other members of my family and our daughters schoolmates, into her car and took them to her house after the party. My little girl was gutted as she was left after her party with no presents to open.

I put up with the ignoring me and my family, and the general awkward atmosphere they created but this really hurt our little girl as she now has to wait until Tuesday to get her presents.

How should I handle this? Should I go and demand the presents? This will only create more aggro, I'm sure of it, or should I just leave it alone?

I really just wanted our daughter to enjoy her birthday and we bent over backwards to throw her a great party in my house, only to be made feel like strangers in our own home. Should I lay it all out and create and argument or keep the peace for our daughters sake. I worry if it's not addressed, it'll happen again at the next gathering. Some advice would be greatly appreciated! Thanks in advance

How can her mother behave like that. Her mother ! Id eat wasps to make sure my little one had a good day.
Just text her and say shes upset and could she send the presents over

iamwhoiam

Yes text her mother and ask for the presents from your family back
How can any mother behave like that and upset a little child to score a point is beyond me .
You did nothing wrong so well done for biting your tongue and not upsetting the child

Confused dad

Thanks for the advice. That's what I plan to do tomorrow. I held my tongue today purely so there wasn't a scene, although she tried her hardest to cause one.

What saddens me about this situation is that normally we get on well but she seems to feel the need to treat me like crap in front of her family and her friends, as if she is expected to by them.

I should also add that the reason I left our marriage is that I was constantly on egg shells around her. Nothing I did was good enough..She was diagnosed with a neurological condition some years ago meaning she couldn't work. I worked 2 jobs and had a sidelone business aswell just to keep us afloat. However it was never good enough. I was either a lazy ba***ard because I apparently did nothing around the house, or I was a useless father because I was away from home so much. I would dread arriving home from work because i never knew what barrage of verbal abuse awaited me when i got there There were other issues aswell but basically I nearly ended up at the end of a rope because I felt so useless. Inalso felt like a wimp because I couldn't stand up to her. I recognised the signs fortunately and sought help. Even at my lowest ebb, I was told by her to wise up and stop bringing her down.

But off course, when I left, I was the villain in everyone's eyes. I was accused of having an affair. I was vilified by her family and friends. Thankfully that all passed ( or so I thought). Members of her family even told our little girl when she was 4, that daddy didn't love mammy anymore and he left because he is selfish.

I finally founda bit of happiness with my new partner after a year, but today brought it all back. I've been sitting in silence all evening worrying about the effect all this will have on my daughter and if anyone else at the party picked up on what was going on. I feel embarrassed and ashamed.

BDI

Did your daughter have a good birthday?

That’s your job really at the end of the day. Rest is just ****e.

Confused dad

BDI wrote: »

Did your daughter have a good birthday?

She says she did yes thanks, although it was ruined slightly by the fact all her presents were promptly taken away to her mother's house.

XsApollo

Confused dad wrote: »

She says she did yes thanks, although it was ruined slightly by the fact all her presents were promptly taken away to her mother's house.

If that was me and I presume your daughter stays at yours also , presents from my side would be staying at mine for when she was there.
Unless she wants to take something with her of course.
Ask for the presents back.

BDI

Confused dad wrote: »

She says she did yes thanks, although it was ruined slightly by the fact all her presents were promptly taken away to her mother's house.

Again who cares what house they end up in?

It’s not a competition. One day you will both need your daughter to look after you. A good balanced daughter who has had a good healthy upbringing will be more likely to provide that for you than a badly raised girl.

Badly raised girl might beat ye up for allI know.

Everything else is just wind. Rise above it.

XsApollo

XsApollo wrote: »

If that was me and I presume your daughter stays at yours also , presents from my side would be staying at mine for when she was there.
Unless she wants to take something with her of course.
Ask for the presents back.

Also if her family want to act like that , there is nothing stopping you from having a party of your own with your own family and her.
They wouldn’t be welcome in my house, and when they started acting like that they would of been told leave.

Bunny Colvin

I'd leave the presents and not say a word. Your daughter will get them eventually. Use this as a lesson.

Don't make the mistake of having her or any of her crowd near your house again. Birthday or no birthday. Your ex sounds like a terrible person.

Confused dad

BDI wrote: »

Again who cares what house they end up in?

It’s not a competition. One day you will both need your daughter to look after you. A good balanced daughter who has had a good healthy upbringing will be more likely to provide that for you than a badly raised girl.

Badly raised girl might beat ye up for allI know.

Everything else is just wind. Rise above it.

Well said. The issue isn't really where the presents end up. It was really the fact that they were all removed to her mother's house after the party when she stayed behind at mine. She was left with no presents to open after he party which upset her. Where they end up is of no consequence really

Princess Calla

XsApollo wrote: »

If that was me and I presume your daughter stays at yours also , presents from my side would be staying at mine for when she was there.
Unless she wants to take something with her of course.
Ask for the presents back.

Yeah I would agree with this as we found presents from our side were ending up on donedeal, they were good expensive presents too!

If it was me I think I'd pop over to her house and ask for the presents back first thing in the morning and have them as a surprise for your little girl.

I can sort of see where your ex came from regarding the answering of the door, maybe she felt abit sidelined. Having said that it's your partners home and she put in a huge amount of effort. So bad communication and high emotions may be to blame there.

Once your daughter had a fun day that's the main thing

Confused dad

Princess Calla wrote: »

Yeah I would agree with this as we found presents from our side were ending up on donedeal, they were good expensive presents too!

If it was me I think I'd pop over to her house and ask for the presents back first thing in the morning and have them as a surprise for your little girl.

I can sort of see where your ex came from regarding the answering of the door, maybe she felt abit sidelined. Having said that it's your partners home and she put in a huge amount of effort. So bad communication and high emotions may be to blame there.

Once your daughter had a fun day that's the main thing

She had a good day yes :-)

qwerty13

I can’t see you tackling your ex about her behaviour or the presents leading to anything good. I highly doubt she’s going to apologise for her behaviour, and I’d be surprised if she returns the presents. I can’t see how confronting your ex is going to have any positive outcome for your daughter. But I understand how much it must have hurt you.

Lesson learnt though - birthday party on neutral territory in future, and have your own presents for your daughter so that you can ensure that she gets to open them with you around. If it were me, I’d bring your daughter for a fun day out tomorrow, and have a happy day together.

Klonker

I'd say nothing if I was you. Your ex wants you to rise to the bait, she wants to know that your daughter had a bad time at your house because she took the toys.

Would it be possible maybe to go in the morning and let your daughter pick out one more present from you, that'll keep her happy and entertained until Tuesday?

zapper55

Your ex and her family sound bat shít crazy. Unfortunately you have to communicate with her for the sake of your daughter. I would not ask for the presents. It'll just inflame the situation.

You do need coping mechanisms for dealing with her as you have many years of it until your daughter is 18. Have you of the gray rock method? Basically its about being non responsive to toxic behaviour.

Now I'm in no way saying your ex's behaviour is right, it's not its horrific and despicable. But you have to find ways of dealing with her. You could meditation but I suspect she'll tell the mediator what they want to hear then do her own thing anyways.

Your daughter is lucky to have you. I'm glad you are out of the relationship and have found a new partner who sounds lovely. Mind yourself.

iamwhoiam

I think the suggestion to buy her another toy to play with until Tuesday is a great idea .Why not buy a game you and you partner can play with her like Guess who or such like .Maybe bring her to the shop to pick on for your house and it stays there so you can all play when she comes

Confused dad

iamwhoiam wrote: »

I think the suggestion to buy her another toy to play with until Tuesday is a great idea .Why not buy a game you and you partner can play with her like Guess who or such like .Maybe bring her to the shop to pick on for your house and it stays there so you can all play when she comes

That's exactly what I plan to do. I've also asked for the presents from my family.

Confused dad

Confused dad wrote: »

That's exactly what I plan to do. I've also asked for the presents from my family.

I'm glad you did that and make sure you get them all,the absolute cheek of her to take them in the first place,pure spite against her own child.if I were you I'd never again have a joint family event with both families, they should have at least acted civil for your daughters sake not come into your house and behave as they did,unbelievable. If I was your partner I'd be gutted and extremely hurt after all that effort, also very upsetting for yourself.

Learn a lesson from it,don't interact with her family again. I wouldn't have had the restraint to hold back in the situation, putting up with the crap in your own house.

And make sure you get every present back,I am fuming that your little girl didnt get to open them after the party as it's all part of the day.

You did your best and so did your partner, just do your own thing in future for birthdays etc.

Also how dare she tell your partner not to open her own door yet she wouldn't host the party in her own house, total cheek imo.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

I think an important take away from this is that going forward good intentions and behaviour from you and your partner is not going to be reciprocated. Any nice gesture ye make, any rising above adult conflict for your daughter's sake, ye have to do that in the expectation that it'll be thrown back in your faces. Your ex sounds horrible, it sounds like she didn't lick it off the stones, you can't fix a toxic family like that, all you can do is try to minimize any damage to your daughter.

You sound like a great dad, and fair play to your partner too. FWIW I know a few cases in family separations where one parent is painting the other as the villain and it always comes out as bullsh1t y'know? Takes a while, but I'm sure the people who matter will see through her.

Have you ever had counselling over the end of the relationship and how she treated you? This seems to have been a very triggering experience for you, which is understandable, it's horrible. But talking through what you went through and maybe building up some defences and coping mechanisms for the bullsh1t she's unfortunately going to continue to pull could be a good idea.

Confused dad

Katelyn Delicious Raisin wrote: »

I think an important take away from this is that going forward good intentions and behaviour from you and your partner is not going to be reciprocated. Any nice gesture ye make, any rising above adult conflict for your daughter's sake, ye have to do that in the expectation that it'll be thrown back in your faces. Your ex sounds horrible, it sounds like she didn't lick it off the stones, you can't fix a toxic family like that, all you can do is try to minimize any damage to your daughter.

You sound like a great dad, and fair play to your partner too. FWIW I know a few cases in family separations where one parent is painting the other as the villain and it always comes out as bullsh1t y'know? Takes a while, but I'm sure the people who matter will see through her.

Have you ever had counselling over the end of the relationship and how she treated you? This seems to have been a very triggering experience for you, which is understandable, it's horrible. But talking through what you went through and maybe building up some defences and coping mechanisms for the bullsh1t she's unfortunately going to continue to pull could be a good idea.

Many thanks for your kind words 😊 I did have counselling when we were still together because of how I was feeling due to her treatment of me. I asked her to go to counselling also but to no avail. Near the end she did suggest marriage counselling and I agreed but she didn't follow through. You may be correct though. I probably still have a lot to work through psychologically.

Lesalare

Bunny Colvin wrote: »

I'd leave the presents and not say a word. Your daughter will get them eventually. Use this as a lesson.

Don't make the mistake of having her or any of her crowd near your house again. Birthday or no birthday. Your ex sounds like a terrible person.

I agree with this.

It's clear your ex took them to cause more issues. Sorry but she really does sound like an utter weapon.

I'd not rise to it. Water off a duck's back. Explain to your daughter she will get to open her presents soon. She'll be more upset with her Mum about it anyway and your ex didn't nothing to win her daughter's affection with this one.

You have the perfect excuse not to include her in these events going forward. She spoilt it for herself.

Best of luck and sounds like you are a great Dad and have a very supportive new partner.

Confused dad

Lesalare wrote: »

I agree with this.

It's clear your ex took them to cause more issues. Sorry but she really does sound like an utter weapon.

I'd not rise to it. Water off a duck's back. Explain to your daughter she will get to open her presents soon. She'll be more upset with her Mum about it anyway and your ex didn't nothing to win her daughter's affection with this one.

You have the perfect excuse not to include her in these events going forward. She spoilt it for herself.

Best of luck and sounds like you are a great Dad and have a very supportive new partner.

Thank you and you are absolutely correct. She was given a chance and She blew it.

My partner is extremely supportive and has really endured a lot of abuse this weekend, which was unacceptable. She had the class to rise above it, say nothing and kept smiling.

Yellow pack crisps

She is unhappy and you’re not. Be grateful you have a happy little girl and a partner who rises above that crap your ex did. She probably can’t stand the fact you’re happy and she is not. Can’t stand the fact that your partner and you put together an awesome party and she didn’t bother her hole. You’re in a better place, she obviously is not. Just be happy and relieved you’re not still with her. Presents are nothing compared to the love you give to your daughter. That’s what she will remember.

Confused dad

She has always been an unhappy person. I was the one who usually got the blame for her unhappiness when we were together. Along with getting the blame for everything else. She can't blame me anymore, although she does try

TheBoyConor

I know it is besides the point, but if she was always such an unhappy argumentative person then how did you even end up with her?

Confused dad

TheBoyConor wrote: »

I know it is besides the point, but if she was always such an unhappy argumentative person then how did you even end up with her?

I suppose a very low self esteem was a contributing factor and thst was chipped away at over the course of 13 years or so. Always looking for the best in people and being naive to think things would change when we got married. She also became seriously Ill in 2013 which left it very difficult to walk away. However everyone has their breaking point and if I wanted to be around to see my daughter grow up, and to be the dad I needed to be, I had to walk away. I left in 2017, with literally only the clothes on my back and started again. Hope that answers your question.