Defeated

LegacyUser

I'm not sure what I'm looking to gain from posting, but I have to get it out.
I'm being swallowed by what feels like grief, the hole gets deeper every day, the light gets dimmer at the end of the tunnel.
I've tried counselling, I said it helped, but really I just didn't want to go anymore as it was just wasted money.

My fiance suffers badly with depression, he has recognised that he's in the midst of a particularly bad bout, the doc can't give him antidepressants as his blood pressure is too high, so he's on meds for that instead. I'm doing my best to support him, but he makes flippant comments sometimes that just break my heart, stuff about not wanting to live past 55, if he got a serious illness he would refuse treatment etc.

We are supposed to be getting married next year.

My dad was diagnosed with a life threating illness the week we got engaged last year. We've nearly lost him once already this year, and he's recently had another serious set back. It's becoming increasingly difficult to picture him recovering and coming home from hospital. I have one sibling who is selfish and lazy, so most of the responsibility for making sure Mam and Dad are ok lies with me.

Many other things are getting to me, stuff I should be able to see past given the bugs things in life, but I just can't.
My job has me crying every morning and evening in the car.

I have no fight left in me. I am utterly defeated by life.
I keep going to provide for my son.
I keep going to help my partner whom I love with all my heart.
I keep going for my Mam&Dad.
There is nothing left for me.

lastusername

Defeated_by_life wrote: »

I'm not sure what I'm looking to gain from posting, but I have to get it out.
I'm being swallowed by what feels like grief, the hole gets deeper every day, the light gets dimmer at the end of the tunnel.
I've tried counselling, I said it helped, but really I just didn't want to go anymore as it was just wasted money.

My fiance suffers badly with depression, he has recognised that he's in the midst of a particularly bad bout, the doc can't give him antidepressants as his blood pressure is too high, so he's on meds for that instead. I'm doing my best to support him, but he makes flippant comments sometimes that just break my heart, stuff about not wanting to live past 55, if he got a serious illness he would refuse treatment etc.

We are supposed to be getting married next year.

My dad was diagnosed with a life threating illness the week we got engaged last year. We've nearly lost him once already this year, and he's recently had another serious set back. It's becoming increasingly difficult to picture him recovering and coming home from hospital. I have one sibling who is selfish and lazy, so most of the responsibility for making sure Mam and Dad are ok lies with me.

Many other things are getting to me, stuff I should be able to see past given the bugs things in life, but I just can't.
My job has me crying every morning and evening in the car.

I have no fight left in me. I am utterly defeated by life.
I keep going to provide for my son.
I keep going to help my partner whom I love with all my heart.
I keep going for my Mam&Dad.
There is nothing left for me.

Hi OP,

What I would say is that right now, the way you FEEL is the way you think things ARE.

But this isn't true and can never be true. You're not defeated, you and your partner are just going through some very heavy cloud cover, but the sun is still there.

It's a bit like when you are taking off on a plane on a cloudy day. We've all had the experience of lifting off through the clouds, lots and lots of them in fact, until we break through and we see that the skies are blue once we get through that cloud cover.

You are the plane, NOT the clouds!

I'm not saying this in some theoretical sense, I mean it is literally true - you are ok, and you will be ok. You just can't see that yet, as you have thought and worry piled upon thought and worry, and it's obscuring your clear view, which is actually your default view when all that cloud isn't there.

Can I ask you consider the moments when you do feel ok, and your partner feels ok? That could be a moment making tea in the evening, or laughing at something in spite of yourself?

Those are the 'spaces between' - when you temporarily drop out of your heavy thinking, your personal thinking, and you are just in your natural, peaceful state.

Depression is the 'trip switch' to so much thinking - it's a built-in safety mechanism where your mind has to switch itself off until things can cool down. It's like when there is a surge of power during a storm and the power cuts out, or when a fan overheats and switches itself off.

That's ALL it is - it's not about you or a reflection on you or your ability to live your life. Underneath all that thinking and worry is the real you, and same goes for your partner. You weren't born sad, worried and depressed, but like anyone else, we can take our thoughts so seriously and wind up feeling that way.

You can only ever feel what you think, and seeing that can make all the difference. It's only about seeing that too, and not about 'changing your thoughts' or thinking positively (nobody can keep that up and why would you want to / need to!).

It is not your fault that you are thinking heavy thoughts, and it is not your partner's fault either. They are separate from both of you, and there is nothing you need to do with them - they are temporary, even if it doesn't feel that way.

You just need to see that you are ok, and will be ok.

How does that all land with you?

shesty

OP you need help.There is plenty to go on for but your body and mind are crying out for help right now.
There are lots of numbers and websites in sticky at the top of this page.I know you said counselling was useless but please, contact somebody there, and just unload all of that...and see what comes of it.You can't keep going like this, you need to take care of yourself now, put yourself first for a while.You are only human.