Is There or isn't there

368100

Hi,

I'll start this off by saying that I know there's a proper conversation to be had about this but I'm just curious as to opinions.

I met a guy (I'm a guy) 4 months ago. He is new to the area...not Irish and I'm about 12 years older than him. We met and got on well but afterwards he didnt seem too interested, so I messaged him to say just that, and that it was ok id just rather know.
He said he thought I was good looking but that he normally goes for "rounder" guys (I'm in no way skinny) but wanted to be friends as they can develop into "meaningful relationships".
So that was that, but the texts continued.....As He was new to the area I helped him a bit by showing him places and taking him to a couple of places he wouldn't be able to get to without a car....we continued to get on well through All this. I did tell him that one night we were watching Netflix I was tempted to try and kiss him, and he said It would have made him uncomfortable as he would feel like a piece of meat (he's very good looking and not into hookups at all, but gets plenty of offers.

One night he told me he was due to meet a group of friends abroad in a few weeks..when I said I had holidays coming up soon he asked me to go with him. I didnt really take it seriously but I actually ended up going and had a great week.
I booked separate accom to his gang of friends as prefer my own space rather than be in shared house with strangers....he was only supposed to stay with me the on the first night, but in middle of the week he stayed for the rest of the week. Now my thoughts are nothing really happened romantically.
On the first night while going to sleep (sharing a bed) he gave Me a massage on back and head.....and when finished rested his arm around me and that led to us spooning the whole night. In the morning when he woke up he was moving his head past my neck and Gave me a kiss on the neck.....another morning he gave Me 5 kisses on back of my neck.....when nothing else was happening I assumed he was just half asleep and didnt realise It was me.
We slept very close to each other for the nights he stayed with me...which he always initiated......In the group, he always made sure I was ok..talking to someone, he did nice things like taking me drinks, food etc when we had ordered into the house.
He also made sure we had time away from the group as in his words it was important to him. One day nursing a hangover we stayed in bed and just talked etc....he said it was important to him to see how he gets on with someone just hanging about in bed for the day. He also asked me to show him pictures when I was younger...(not that he has an issue with my age)

So as I said, was a great holiday, lots of fun...but I didnt pass any remarks about any of the sleeping stuff as nothing happened really in my mind and His friends quizzed him about if there was something more going on but he said absolutely not, just friends. I told him that his friends quizzed me too, and I gave same answer...and that one of his friends said they thought he liked me a lot more than he realised himself...and he said...don't worry if I got feelings for you id tell you.

Since the holiday, we're in contact every day and see each other every 2/3 days. Haven't shared a bed since so nothing like abroad has happened since, only thing is he gives long hugs goodbye and rubs his hands up and down my back in these. One day I was upset about something and he sat beside me rubbing his hand gently up and down my back.

He met another friend and when he told me about him it sounded like there was something going on there but when I asked him (as a friend) he got quite dramatic saying no, absolutely not...then he said he would tell me if he got feelings for someone else, and that he hoped I would tell him if I did either..."unless we break up". This is all by text btw.

Now all I did was make a joke saying it sounded like we were in a relationship from that..he replied "like most people".

So I decided to tell him I was starting to get feelings for him to be honest....But That I knew he wasn't really interested before....he felt we should talk in person (which we haven't got to do yet) and find "common ground", but that it was in no way awkward...he didn't agree with me reminding him about saying he wasnt kind of interested before...but didn't give any real indications that he was interested now either.

Then a few nights ago, we were chatting in person (with other company) and he asked me the meaning of a word on his phone..I glanced at his phone and he whipped the phone away son As I couldn't see....I didn't make a big deal as Ive no right to.
I text him later and said just to be clear, I wasn't trying to be nosy, and didnt intentionally look at his phone....he said" ha ha, I know I was just joking.....just wanted you to trust me"....I replied and said I did trust him (which I do) and that I hoped he was starting to trust me too ( knowing he has issues in that regard, not only romantically). The whole thing felt like some sort of test.

He has good English but it isn't his first language so I kind of put some of the things he has phrased down that.

I haven't tried to kiss him since the first time I mentioned it to him as last thing I want is for him to be uncomfortable.

So obviously we need to have a proper conversation which we will....but im curious as to what opinions are. Is there something there from him or not?

bottlebrush

Sorry op but I think he is stringing you along. And that business of whipping away the phone when he asked you to look at it sounds crazy! And even if, and it's a big if, you have a relationship he will always be the one in control and you will always be second guessing.
Listen to what he's saying - he'll tell you when he has feelings for you. He should have some idea after four months. At the moment he may just want somebody to help him settle into a new country. That's all. And I do get an inkling he may be looking for a relationship with somebody his own age.
Relationships shouldn't be this difficult.

LegacyUser

Sounds like he does like you but for whatevee reason he's not willing to admit that to himself. Maybe the age gap is too much for him, or if he comes from a country that isn't ok with gay people he could be struggling to be fully open about his sexuality. Either way, he has to deal with that himself and there's not much hope of a healthy relationship until he does. Or, which could be the case and sadly I think might be likely, he's happy to have you as a crutch while he gets settled in- whipping the phone away sounds like he is entertaining someone else and doesn't want you to know. Sorry op

leggo

Yeah I think this is just someone who wants intimacy and perhaps feels a little lonely settling in a new place and he's using you as he knows you're interested. Not to suggest that he's this big evil manipulator either, you can quite like someone's company and still use the **** out of them, and he probably tells himself it's alright by saying "Well I let him know I wasn't interested." Even though his actions completely contradict this.

Proceed however you like, there's nothing really to lose here, but I'd temper your expectations with that in mind.

lunamoon

I also think he's stringing you along. I've a feeling that if you did say you had a date with someone else etc that he'd instantly up his game and want something more. I'm not saying you should say that, I just get that impression.

He'll dump you like a hot snot when he meets someone else. I also would take what his friends say with a pinch of salt.

Honeydew3456

Hey Op, my two cents is that he is stringing you along also. If he had romantic feelings for you at all something would have happened long before now. There has been so many opportunities.

You could continue being his friend but I suspect that is all you will ever be to him. He knows you are into him and perhaps is using this to his advantage.

Honestly the thing with the phone is strange and maybe only the beginning of the mind games for you. Even all the "unless we break up" and the chat of I want you to trust me etc. It's like he is showing you what a relationship with him is like...to keep you interested...but has no intention of going there.

My advise would be proceed with caution, for your own sake. He will be fine regardless.

I can't imagine why he is doing this. It's unusual for sure!

He sounds like a manipulator and an asshole quite frankly. This is a classic example of sex being about power. If you were a straight man you would see this behaviour a lot from straight women.

tara73

yes, typical behaviour of not wanting to commit but having all the benefits of a relationship. the talking, cuddling, living in your nice holiday accommodation and everything else.

He's using you big time. Don't invest any more time, emotional energie, money in him, you will only get hurt if you continue contact with him!

woodchuck

Mod warning:

Deleted User wrote: »

If you were a straight man you would see this behaviour a lot from straight women.

Less of the generalisations please.

Homelander

I really don't get the impression that he's stringing you along at all. It sounds to me like he really genuinely values your friendship and company but has expressly stated numerous times, when you literally directly asked him, that he's not interested in you in that way.
I think he's been pretty honest and upfront really. There is just nothing there, though you clearly desperately want there to be. Not a nice position to be in, but it is what it is.
The only weird part is the 'break up part' but that could be due to a poor use of English. But to be brutally honest, at this point, there seems to be zero chance of anything, the guy couldn't spell it out any clearer to date.
If he was remotely into you, even if he still didn't want an actual relationship, something mutually physical at least would have happened by now. Relationships are about being wanting to be together. Not one party trying to desperately convince the other, despite determined and dogged refusal, to try it.
I don't know what he's thinking, but your post could not scream any louder that he's not at all interested in you romantically, possibly even physically.

leggo

Homelander wrote: »

I really don't get the impression that he's stringing you along at all. It sounds to me like he really genuinely values your friendship and company but has expressly stated numerous times, when you literally directly asked him, that he's not interested in you in that way.
I think he's been pretty honest and upfront really. There is just nothing there, though you clearly desperately want there to be. Not a nice position to be in, but it is what it is.
The only weird part is the 'break up part' but that could be due to a poor use of English. But to be brutally honest, at this point, there seems to be zero chance of anything, the guy couldn't spell it out any clearer to date.
If he was remotely into you, even if he still didn't want an actual relationship, something mutually physical at least would have happened by now. Relationships are about being wanting to be together. Not one party trying to desperately convince the other, despite determined and dogged refusal, to try it.
I don't know what he's thinking, but your post could not scream any louder that he's not at all interested in you romantically, possibly even physically.

Tbh I think you’re not seeing giant red flags. Spooning, kissing him on the neck, talking about ‘breaking up’ and wanting him to trust him, lightly fobbing off suggestions they’re a couple without outright dismissing it either...these aren’t things I do with my mates anyway, I dunno about you.

average hero

Basically he is playing both sides of the fence when he wants to.

He doesn't want a solid relationship apparently when he was asked but he is content to show a certain level of affection how and when it suits him. But of course, it is just a level of affection to keep you questioning.

He has you right where he wants you and is essentially stringing you along, in my opinion. He may not mean it to be malevolent as he may be new to the country and need some good friends etc. but I think he has a different perspective of your friendship than you have.

You need to ask him outright what he sees your friendship/relationship as and where he sees it going. At the very least you will have clarity and can act accordingly.