Creating a happier marriage

LegacyUser

Hi All.. I would appreciate some advice on this if you don't mind.

I met my wife 2 years ago and got married last year. There was something special about her that I really liked then and I still feel the same way now. I had been on the dating scene for a long time beforehand and struggled to find anyone who wanted to move ahead with me. I wouldn't consider myself anything special, but I am educated, worked hard and bought a house in my early 20's and renovated it myself to help set myself up for a nice family life later. I'm fit and healthy and sociable enough.

We've been married for a year but in terms of day to day, I feel like I do everything, and my wife does nothing unless asked. It's almost like being a lone parent sometimes. I cook, I clean, I shop and we're now moving house and I'm managing that entire process as well (in fairness, it's difficult to share this process because estate agents/banks/solicitors really prefer one point of contact).

In the bedroom, for a long long time now, there has been no contribution from her either. Before marriage there was some foreplay, after marriage there was none. Then I should note there was a miscarriage, and after that there was no sex except to make the 2nd baby with which she is now pregnant and happily in a second trimester thank god.

I should point out that I'm not expecting much now because she's pregnant, and it's an incredible toll on a girl. But it can be hard to keep everything going especially because I feel like there was never any contribution even since before she was pregnant. I'm worried that we have the baby and I turn into one of those exhausted looking lads who works all day, comes home to cook and clean without receiving any sign of thanks or appreciation at all.

To balance this a little bit so I don't sound like I married the wrong person.. When I ask her to do things around the house, generally she helps a little.. She's well educated with her own financial security, she works full time.. We have the same ideas about raising kids and future and generally we don't argue about jealously or anything like that. I trust her massively and vice-versa. When I'm out with friends who are still chasing girls, I must say I don't envy them one bit because I'm very aware of the grass being greener.

I wonder if there is anyone else out there who feels the same. I think marriages can very easily slide into an unbalanced state, and I suppose the generalisation is that women/mothers get left to do everything while the guys watch the sport and drink beer. Has anyone got any tips or considerations I should make? Am I expecting too much? Will life just be easier if I change myself? When we move house, I was thinking of trying to invoke a fresh start with a list of things to do around the house, and a chat to decide who is going to own what pieces.

I've no idea how to fix the issues in the bedroom. Since we've been married I don't think she's done anything which solely helps the other person. It's only done if she is a co-beneficiary. I just feel like she has no interest in making me happy unless she benefits at the same time. Is that selfish of me? Sorry for the ramble..

Stop asking her what to do. Start telling her what to do. Give out to her if she doesn't do it. Stop doing all the housework. This will fix your bedroom issues too. You have taken on the female role in the relationship and this is a complete turn off for her.

Also start flirting with other women. Nothing more unattractive to a woman than a man with no options.

I'm sure ill get slated for this advice but it's the only thing that works.

Anna2834

Sorry to hear that OP...however (and I might get slated for this too) you got married after a year of knowing her? I guess everyone moves at their own speed in a relationship (and I am an expert at moving fast) but even with that said I would give it more than a year before I would accept a ring.

Maybe set a plan, who does what when...might work...but then again she might just be a spoiled princess who will never change.

Good luck

LegacyUser

Yes - unfortunately marriage was the only way we could stay together for visa reasons. But I'm so happy we did because going back out on to the dating scene would have been awful. 5 years of searching before that made me realise that nobody is perfect and finding someone who just wouldn't cheat on me was becoming more and more difficult. The last 2 girls all went off with other lads after the 8 month mark without telling me. My lad friends are all talking about how hard it is to find a girl who doesn't get distracted by another match on Tinder or whatever it is these days. So I wouldn't change anything oddly enough!!

We married for love and we are in love and committed, and I think this is just bad habits. I remember my mother had the same problem and used to say "God if someone would just make me a cup of tea without me having to ask for it, it would be great". I can empathise with her a lot right now!

Like I say, she does stuff when asked, and I kind of feel like the sex thing is somehow related to the miscarriage. I read a little bit about that and it seems to be a common side effect.

Doing nothing has no effect by the way. The house gets dirty and nothing will be cooked except fried eggs on toast!

It's more just longevity, like I always wanted to be a good family man so with this baby on the way I will live the next 20 odd years like this but I would worry if I could keep it going when I'm older so after the kids are up and gone we'll have to see. Maybe becoming a mother will change her!

C3PO

Deleted User wrote: »

Stop asking her what to do. Start telling her what to do. Give out to her if she doesn't do it. Stop doing all the housework. This will fix your bedroom issues too. You have taken on the female role in the relationship and this is a complete turn off for her.

Also start flirting with other women. Nothing more unattractive to a woman than a man with no options.

I'm sure ill get slated for this advice but it's the only thing that works.

Not going to try and advise you other than to completely ignore this nonsense!!

strandroad

Anon12xsdf wrote: »

When we move house, I was thinking of trying to invoke a fresh start with a list of things to do around the house, and a chat to decide who is going to own what pieces.

This sounds like a good idea, and please remember that with some activities you might need to take into account that your wife is pregnant now - but you can still mark them as hers for later. Hard to say how deep your problem is and if it results from intentional manipulation or just lack of shared understanding and her using it to coast and take it easy, but moving into a new house is a natural moment to discuss and agree on house rules. You will be able to see if she starts pulling her weight especially that she will be around the house more soon.

You need a clear intimacy conversation too however I would keep it very separate from the house rules one. Again her pregnancy is a natural moment to discuss expectations, especially that after a miscarriage there might be a number to issues to work through.

Please don't listen to the nonsense above and don't start to flirt with anyone etc. If you cannot resolve it through clear communication first you do have a problem on your hands but you most certainly won't solve it with cheating or bullying.

zapper55

This is very tricky because I've seen how ill women can get during pregnancy but at the same time you need to sort this before a baby arrives. Waiting until the house move would be a terrible idea.

Could you sit down with her at a time that neither of you are stressed or tired and just talk. Tell her you feel it's a bit one sided and maybe there's things she'd like to change too. You realise she could do.much physically around the house at the moment but it's good to appreciate each other.

She'll either have been oblivious and may meet you more in the middle or she might think there's nothing wrong. In the second case I think you'll need to suggest marriage counselling. There is a lot you are unhappy with in the marriage. I dont think you realise how much this is affecting you.

osarusan

Together for two years, married one year, and so far that includes a child, a miscarriage, and now a second pregnancy. Do I have that right? Or is it the first child she is now pregnant with?

If it's the former, it's all incredibly fast and stressful, and will obviously have an impact on your sex life.

You're going to have to have a difficult conversation about the housework, if you haven't already.

If you privately document the actual housework done for a week, then highlight it to her (assuming it is, as you expect, heavily leaning in your direction), how do you think she will react to that? Do you think she knows it's not balanced, or is oblivious to it all, or just thinks you don't mind it when you actually do?

Anna2834

Anon12xsdf wrote: »

Yes - unfortunately marriage was the only way we could stay together for visa reasons.

Oh I understand still I would have found another route to take before scumming to marriage just because of the VISA issue. There is always a workaround.

Anyway I hope that things change for you...is this something to do with her culture? Don't know where she is from but she could have a different understanding of what "duties" she is meant to be having once married - don't know just throwing it out there. Food for thought I guess.

LegacyUser

I think where she's from women do all the work actually. It's a bit backward (maybe like old Ireland) where after a girl gets married, they quit their job to move home and look after a guy.

Maybe in the early days of us, in a bid to show her I wasn't like that, I worked hard at becoming a good cook, and because she can't drive here yet I was naturally the one who went out to shop. I think it's just habits have formed around that. Like yesterday I asked her to make the bed after I washed the sheets, and unpack the dishwasher and things like that and she did them no questions asked. I think I just hate asking people to do things. And especially in the bedroom, God the idea of sitting someone down and saying "I need you to do X for me" sounds horrific. Has anyone any advice on that?

I feel like a list in the new house will go a long way. Maybe I need to figure out whatever issue I have with asking people to do things.

LegacyUser

osarusan wrote: »

If you privately document the actual housework done for a week, then highlight it to her (assuming it is, as you expect, heavily leaning in your direction), how do you think she will react to that? Do you think she knows it's not balanced, or is oblivious to it all, or just thinks you don't mind it when you actually do?

It's more just being oblivious I think. When I am exhausted from a solid days slog and then I have to log in to answer bank/solicitor emails, she's see's it but only after its too late and I'm wrecked. I'm not sure if you have kids, I don't yet, but I imagine this is exactly what it's like. She'll almost always do something when asked, and be completely oblivious to it being done by someone else if not.

LegacyUser

osarusan wrote: »

Together for two years, married one year, and so far that includes a child, a miscarriage, and now a second pregnancy. Do I have that right? Or is it the first child she is now pregnant with?

If it's the former, it's all incredibly fast and stressful, and will obviously have an impact on your sex life.

Yes it's the former. She's a few years older than me so time wasn't on our side to wait around for a baby. But in saying that, I've always wanted to have my kids young because unfortunately my mother died quite young from a genetic illness and I always wanted to have my kids at a slightly younger age in case I was unfortunate enough to only live to 50 also! Maybe I gave off that vibe without saying anything when I was on the dating scene and that's why some of the girls my age at the time (late 20s) weren't really 'there' yet. Anyways, that's neither here nor there at the moment!