Feeling of guilt after a breakup

LegacyUser

Recently broke up with my girlfriend of 3 years. She was my first proper girlfriend, of say more than 6 months. During the last year of our relationship, our sex life caused a lot of fights and pressure. I wasn't able to get up for sex as often as she was. I was happy letting it go a week or two or three, whereas she would feel like it multiple times a week (we didn't live together). I took full personal responsibility for this and assumed I just had low libido and some lingering body image issues and that's why my interest in sex became less and less. I didn't even have any interest in women outside the relationship either which is why I made that assumption. We persisted regardless but it just wasn't happening for us. I got tired and guilty of leaving her feeling unwanted and I wasn't able to take the weight of pressure that surrounded intimacy. It was a circular issue. The more of an issue it became, the worse I felt about it and that in turn made the intimacy even less frequent as I was just never able to get into it. We called it quits at this point.

Although we got on in most other aspects and often talked about settling down for good together, we slowly started to feel like mates more than partners. I loved her but I don't think I was in love with her anymore. The fact these feelings went on for so long made the breakup feel like a pressure relief for me and I wasn't overly broken up over it. She took it a bit worse though and although I tried to remain friendly with some texting and chat every other day, it became obvious she thought we might get back together. I had made up my mind that I couldn't keep doing what we were doing. She started asking me was I getting with other people etc and that made me uncomfortable so I said we needed to stop texting as nothing good will come of it.

Fast forward 4 months after we broke up, I meet a girl at a work event. From the second I saw her, there was an unreal attraction between the two of us. Everything I felt about low libido and all that left me, I really wanted to jump her bones and she was the same with me. We ended up coming across each other again a week later and long story short we ended up having sex. It was really good and felt amazing for me in a way I don't ever remember it being like with my ex. That all sounds great but since it happened, I've been consumed with the most awful and strange feeling of guilt about how hurt my ex would feel if she knew this had happened. It almost feels like I'm cheating but I know I'm not. I did some reflection on the old relationship and had a horrible realisation. I think I just wasn't that attracted to my ex anymore and instead of ending it, I blamed myself and continued the relationship because I still loved her. I didn't recognise this as the root of the problem and now I feel I've wasted her time and made her think we had a future together. And now I feel like the sex itself wasn't the issue at all in our relationship, it was just a symptom. It would crush her to hear that I'm having sex with someone else so soon since she thinks that was the problem with us.

I feel guilty that I've moved on too quickly. As in, I feel perfectly fine and feel over it emotionally, but I feel like an arsehole for moving on so quickly after 3 years. Is this guilty feeling normal? Is it normal to feel over a long term relationship this quickly? I plan on seeing the girl from work again and seeing where things go and I'm trying to figure out this guilty feeling before I do because I don't want it to linger over me.

I'm a brutal writer so sorry if this comes across all over the place.

Princess Calla

You are overthinking the situation.

When relationships start to break down it's often s*X starts to become less and less frequent.

Yourself and your ex tried to work through it, you gave it a shot but things still weren't right. So you made the right decision to break up.

It's unfortunate after 3 years but that's life

You are now both free to do what you like. You no longer need to consider her feelings. It's nice that you do. It shows you really cared for the girl but it's a fruitless exercise.

Enjoy the new girl

Ursus Horribilis

You're being very hard on yourself here. You were genuinely committed to your ex and that relationship. It's easy to look back in hindsight and wish you'd done things differently. You did what you thought was right at the time and you weren't to know what would happen next. You didn't deliberately "mislead" your ex. Maybe she is the one who should've taken the initiative and ended it long before it finally did?

For all you know, your ex might now be seeing somebody else or is swinging from the chandeliers with some other man. Hopefully both of you will have learned something from your relationship. It was going nowhere and you both prolonged it beyond its natural lifespan. If both of you get better at spotting those warning signs earlier, it won't have been in vain.

Even if nothing long-term happens with this new girl, it's good that you met her. You've got nothing to feel guilty about. Exes are exes for a reason.

B0jangles

Yeah, you are being very hard on yourself - you say it was your first longterm relationship so maybe you just didn't have the experience to recognise the warning signs that the connection between you was fading. You did your best but things didn't work out, and that's ok. You're obviously a very decent and caring person - your concern for your ex makes that very obvious

It's ok to be happy!

LegacyUser

Thanks all of you for the reassurance. Guess I'll just have to try put it out of my head but it hasn't been easy so far.

Princess Calla

Unreg89 wrote: »

Thanks all of you for the reassurance. Guess I'll just have to try put it out of my head but it hasn't been easy so far.

Break ups are hard and sometimes mutual break ups are the hardest as there's no one "to blame"

Sometimes two really nice people are just not compatible anymore, doesn't mean either one is at fault.

You gave it your best shot,nothing to be guilty about.

There are some relationships that will always have a little spot in your heart, this sounds like one of them.

Cherish the happy times and move on. Don't let this ruin a chance of happiness with a new person.

LegacyUser

Actually have an update on this. My ex texted me again, just about some recent bad news she had and said she didn't know who else to talk to about it. I couldn't not reply to that, it would have felt cruel. Anyway, we got to chatting and she was back to asking me had I gotten with anyone. I said what difference does it make and asked how would she feel if I had. So she said she'd be sad but would try to be happy for me. I just ripped the bandage off at this point and said that yes I have been with someone else and didn't know where it was going and that it was no reflection on our relationship. She seemed pretty sad then but didn't lose it or anything. I know I didn't need to and I shouldn't have engaged in the conversation, but after doing it, I feel relieved and the guilt is leaving. The chat we had feels like a big step for both of us being able to move on. Thanks again everyone for your reassurance, it put my mind at ease.

joeguevara

Never feel guilty about breaking up with someone if you felt it was the right thing to do.

Also it is difficult after a breakup when something important comes up such as a death or bad health news and either party doesn't have anyone else to tell. Most bf and gf are best friends as well.

So it's not a bad thing to be a shoulder but gets complicated when it moves from discussing news to asking about have you been with anyone.

When you said you were ripping the bandage that was for you. If they were already hurt about the breakup and then the news that she texted you about... It was obviously going to break them when you told them you were with someone. Sometimes it's better to say a white lie or say you are there for them for some things but better to keep it only friendly.

Or else if they were going to ask better to say that it's better for both if they lean on someone else.

leggo

OP you seem like a decent person. There’s no way to break-up with someone you care about without some element of guilt and regret. The good thing you’ll find here is that, because you’ve handled this all the right way, you’ve felt that all up front and it won’t hit you like a ton of bricks down the line. There’s just no way for this to be a pleasant process, but you can either do it the right way and make it a somewhat smooth transition, or totally mismanage it and make it traumatic for all involved. Because you’ve done the former, you and her will be better for it in the long run. So now try move onto the next stage with that knowledge in your mind.