First date with this girl - Don't know what to do now

Rck888746

Hello

Sorry for the long post for a relatively easy one, but maybe I am missing something and you can help me how to proceed.

I "met" this girl from my city on Instagram a few months back. We both replied on a post kind of agreeing with each other, we exchanged a reply or two on the post. She followed me, I followed her, and that was it.

A few weeks back I replied a stories she posted and we started talking. The usual start, "what do you do, what do you like, blabla". In a few days became clear that she was interested in keeping the conversation. You know the signs, always asking something, sending you a "good morning" when there's not a message to reply, etc...

The thing is... she is really beautiful. I mean really, like a 8.5/10 minimum. And I am a 6, being optimistic. Besides that, I don't have a lot of pictures on social media, but the ones I have show clearly that I am not that handsome kind of guy. I know this seems childish (I am 31 and she is 28) but appearences matter a little, there's nothing you can do about it.

So my mind entered that mode "ok, this girl can have literally 85-90% of the guys she want, she is probably just chatting with me because I am cool and that's it, don't get your hopes up". Because of that I was avoiding to invite her to meet and talk in person, but then, last Saturday she was going to a nightclub and send me "I am going with a friend, and would like to invite you, if you're free, go there too ". I couldn't go, but said that we could meet Sunday afternoon and she said yes.

So we met this Sunday. We went to a coffee place, talked about one hour there, then went to a walk, we stopped at a park and kept talking. Somewhere in the conversarion she said it is really nice to meet me in person, I agreed and joked a little, kind of "yeah, it took a little while" and then she kinda asked me what were my intentions meeting her! I knew what that question meant. At that point I was really into kissing her, but I replied with a reluctant "to be honest, I don't know". She said "oh, good... because I was worried that you were looking at this in a romantic way, but I just got out of a relationship and I am not looking for anyhing now besides meeting new people, etc" I said no problem and we kept talking for a little while about this relationship she had and other things. After around 30 minutes she went home.

Two things bothering me: she said that she was going to tell me this before we met, but was ashamed to do so. But I don't think that is true, because of the tone of our messages a few days before. It was very clear the flirting mode. I guess she just didn't like me in person and went for this option of "I am not looking for anything" to avoid any kissing or getting together. Just to be clear, I didn't make any moves before this.

The second one is that the conversation pretty much died. She asked me something Sunday night when she was home, I answered when she was asleep. Yesterday morning she replied and gave me a "good morning", I said "good morning" and that was it. Nothing more. On Instagram I joked about a picture we both took at the same place, she saw the message and didn't reply. All this weeks talking, this is the first time this happened. We were always asking something or sending messages to keep the conversation, but now this.

I may be overreacting, I know, but in my mind this is almost done because she didn't like me in person. I don't wanna sound arrogant, but I am a cool guy to chat, the conversation was nice in person as it had been online all this time. So I am guessing this is a matter about the looks. She is not just very cute, she is that kind of girl that takes care of her body, makes a lot of effort to look nice, so it is logical that this is gonna be important for her when looking for someone. Is this possible or am I being silly?

What should be my next move? One thing that crossed my mind is: I don't want her to think that I stopped talking to her as soon as she said that nothing was gonna happen, so maybe I should be the one trying to keep the conversation? Or should I just give up?

I think it goes without saying that my intentions with her right now are not just being friends. Of course I am not saying I want a serious relationship right now, but I would like more than friendship for a start, so that's why I don't know what to do now.

Thanks.

Jimmy Bottlehead

It sounds like when she met you in person, she didn't feel the chemistry or attraction. The drop off in attention and replies would indicate that.

Your options are really just to tell her you're attracted to her and would like to meet again, or else let it go. You COULD hover in the friend zone if you want desperately hoping she'll change her mind, but honestly it probably won't work and you'll look desperate and clingy.

There's plenty more options out there. Go find the right one for you

Ursus Horribilis

I'm afraid this reads like a textbook case of "She's just not into you". I think she met you, hoping that there might be something there. There wasn't and so, she started letting you down gently before things got awkward. All the clues are there but you can't see them at the moment because you still fancy her.

People peddle all sorts of excuses to ward off wannabe suitors. The old "I'm not looking for anyone at the moment" chestnut really means "I wouldn't turn down Mr Right if he came along but you're not him". I think you're going to have to let this one go. My feeling is that even if you try to meet up with her again, your going to find it harder to nail down a date and time. She is being polite but is reversing out of this.

Tell me how

Remain friends, but rule her out as potential partner.
Don't hover hoping she'll change her mind.
Move on, have fun.

Calypso Realm

Rck888746 wrote: »

Hmm....actually I'm in two minds about this. It's either the above or when you gave that response when she asked about your intentions, she concluded you weren't interested so countered by saying she wasn't looking for anything herself. (Mind you she did put you on the spot a little and I have to say it was a bit of a strange thing to ask, IMO)

Also OP by concluding a girl like her would never be truly interested in someone like you, you were self-sabotaging, which is never a good thing! (Based on her actions, she certainly sounded interested in the run-up to all this, most of which was based on your looks!) I'm sure you transmitted some of this in your own actions, while with her.

leggo

Yeah I also feel it’s not necessarily as simple as “she’s not that into you.” She could’ve taken it as a rejection when she asked your intentions (you don’t typically ask that question if you don’t want a positive response because then you’re just stuck in an awkward conversation). Or the fact that you bottled it a bit there might have put her off as I’d say she knew exactly what your intentions were.

I’d leave this for now anyway unless she picks it back up, definitely don’t try and ‘fix’ it or do damage limitation whatever you do. But take a few positive things and lessons from this experience:

1) You obviously are attractive and interesting enough for a girl you fancy this much to be into you.

2) You’re beating yourself up WAY too much about your looks and it’s costing you good opportunities. Take some confidence from the fact you were in this situation to begin with and use it to tell your self-esteem to cop on.

3) Mild suggestion: stop thinking of people in terms of 6’s and 8.5’s. For a start the .5 part seems personal like you’ve put a LOT of thought into it and are thinking about a particular flaw that stops her being a 9. And secondly it’s not a natural way of viewing people and will only hold you back. It’s cliche but true that one person’s 1 is another’s 10. When looking to meet someone it’s about attraction, yes, but moreso in terms of a click or connection than people having scores and only dating their own ‘standard’. Keep thinking this way and you’ll end up in situations like this holding your dick and not knowing what happened. Chill out, see yourself as a worthwhile catch, have conversations with people and let it all flow naturally and you’ll find things click into place a lot easier than trying to analyse and dissect everything.

joeguevara

When you she asked what you wanted and you said 'i don't know' she was hardly going to say well I like you etc. Bringing up a past relationship may have been a bit of a self protection however clumsily done.

When she said good morning and you said it back she may have been waiting for a bit more. Especially now she thinks you don't like her.

Or maybe she likes friends which as you do have feelings won't work. So you can tell her or just cool things.

But the comparing looks is always going to affect you. People find different things attractive and if you go into it with a how can a 9 like a 6 then you won't be confident.

IAMAMORON

You slightly bottled it when she asked you, don't do that again. If she was not interested she would not have brought it up.

Don't give up on anyone that you have a hunch or a feeling about, epecially if you fancy them. Finding someone special means jumping in the dark ,sometimes.

Get her out again and get to know her. Don't hassle her about her past, unless she brings it up don't go there. This is about the two of ye now.

Go for it again, you only regret the things you don't do.

Mr. Incognito

I'd message her and say she caught you off guard when she asked you what you were looking for and you think she is very attractive and want to get to know her with a view to dating.

If she says no at least you can move on.

Rck888746

3) Mild suggestion: stop thinking of people in terms of 6’s and 8.5’s. For a start the .5 part seems personal like you’ve put a LOT of thought into it and are thinking about a particular flaw that stops her being a 9. And secondly it’s not a natural way of viewing people and will only hold you back. It’s cliche but true that one person’s 1 is another’s 10. When looking to meet someone it’s about attraction, yes, but moreso in terms of a click or connection than people having scores and only dating their own ‘standard’. Keep thinking this way and you’ll end up in situations like this holding your dick and not knowing what happened. Chill out, see yourself as a worthwhile catch, have conversations with people and let it all flow naturally and you’ll find things click into place a lot easier than trying to analyse and dissect everything.

Yeah, I agree completely. It was just a simple and silly way to put things, I don't put much thought into it analysing everything and giving people scores hahaha

But thanks, your input was nice.

___

About her question and answer, I got the vibe she was a little relieved with my answer and brought the past relationship to make it clear it wasn't about me. Could it be that she was waiting for some other answer and had this prepared in case my response was negative? Which kinda was...

Should I just wait a few days and in case things don't go back to normal conversation, I tell her my true intentions? Which are keeping getting to know her more and taking things to another level...

Thank you all for the help so far...

NewMan1982

It’s a bit weird of her to agree to meet up if she wasn’t interested.

As others have said maybe she didn’t feel it when you actually met up or maybe your answer ****ed things up.

I’d leave it until the weekend and ask her out on a real date. No ambiguity.

If she says no then drop her completely. She might be using you as an ego booster.

Arrival

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

I'd message her and say she caught you off guard when she asked you what you were looking for and you think she is very attractive and want to get to know her with a view to dating.

If she says no at least you can move on.

Definitely do this. As it stands there's no chance of anything happening, at least this gives the opportunity to address something which is more than likely what caused an issue. No idea why you would say "I don't know" anyway, especially since you think she's gorgeous. Did you think she wouldn't like being told that or something?

Rck888746

No idea why you would say "I don't know" anyway, especially since you think she's gorgeous. Did you think she wouldn't like being told that or something?

I didn't think that, it was just an automatic answer because she caught me completely off guard with the question.

If her immediate reaction had not been "oh good..." dropping me the past relationship I would probably try to take things to a more honest approach right there, but once she said that it was game over. At least at that moment.

No change in these last days, I guess I'm going to follow the advice of being completely honest, in person or not, and see what happens. Nothing to lose anyway.

Thanks again.

Gwanoman

Rck888746 wrote: »

I didn't think that, it was just an automatic answer because she caught me completely off guard with the question.

If her immediate reaction had not been "oh good..." dropping me the past relationship I would probably try to take things to a more honest approach right there, but once she said that it was game over. At least at that moment.

No change in these last days, I guess I'm going to follow the advice of being completely honest, in person or not, and see what happens. Nothing to lose anyway.

Thanks again.

Good luck fella..

leggo

I mean, yeah, you don’t have anything to lose by being honest. But now she’s also told you that she’s happy you didn’t want anything romantic, so the most likely outcome is you’ll just annoy her a bit and have an awkward conversation that probably won’t go your way. You’ve gotten no signs here since that she wants this.

For me you’d be better off just leaving it. If there’s genuine interest there on both sides, these things have a way of coming back around naturally. And saying nothing and just getting on with your life is way more attractive than just ignoring what she told you and having to awkwardly double back and be like “Yeah when I said this I actually meant the opposite...”

I mean I hope I’m wrong just don’t expect much here and anything you do get is a bonus.

I think the question killed it. Women love these type of questions. You should have said "well I fancied you and wanted to see if we could go any further."

She isn't going to say "I really fancied you and now I'm heartbroken".

Another one is "how many girlfriends have you had". If the answer is less than 3, lie. If the answer is 100, you don't need any advice lol.

What she is looking for is confidence and decisevenss. "I don't know" is the worst possible answer. Even "I didn't have anything better to do today and was looking to kill a few hours" is a better answer.