I do not know how to help myself

LegacyUser

Hi there,

I've been struggling since my teens with depression to a certain extent (early 30s now). I took medication for a year in early 20s which certainly helped me see some light at the time, for a few years I believed I was 'fixed'. I did not engage properly with therapy until just over a year ago. I've had sporadic issues with anxiety over the years but after a family member became ill during the summer, I've been having fairly bad bouts of it, very regularly.

I feel very disconnected from the world and myself. My reactions to outside stresses or normal events can be extremely unpredictable. During the working week just gone, I was feeling abnormally jubilant, calm, clear-headed. The past 3 days however, have been fairly hellish. I have accomplished little, writing this post and making a doctor's appointment is as accomplished as it gets.

I worked extremely hard in my field of work for many years and I have finally reached a stage where it's more manageable/I can say no to things a bit more. I often feel ok (sometimes happy) when at work but feel an overriding sense of emptiness at weekends (and often on weeknights). I used to often feel quite lonely at weekends but now it has gotten to the stage where anxiety means I don't really want to go out anyway. I am largely completely inactive and plauged with negative thoughts. If I have an idea to something different, I allow myself to frequently be dragged back down.

I have tried to talk to certain friends about how I am feeling. They have largely been supportive in the moment but it doesn't come up again. One friend is very good but they are going through a lot themselves and I don't like talking about it with them for that reason. I am not good at voicing any of this. I wrote a letter to my therapist in January about some traumatic things that have happened to me, we spoke around the letter for one session and it has never come again. I think she is obviously waiting for me to bring it up myself but I don't see that happening, I'm afraid by talking about these things I will implode completely. I feel like my sessions in therapy jump from topic to topic and the lack of structure makes me feel stressed. I do not know how to unpack everything or what I'm feeling and do not know how much time I should dedicate to x, y or z. I often feel like I'm wasting time. I did eventually say to my therapist that I was feeling frustrated and now she opens each session with 'what do you want to talk about?' which I perceive as passive agressive, when it's probably not.

I generally feel like I'm a burden on others. I don't have positive connections to my family members, there is no support there. I feel like I have very little personality left in social situations, my confidence is very low in this regard. Again, when in work it's like I'm a different person.

I took up a new hobby in February this year, it has unfortunately not allowed me to make any new connections with other people. I applied to do a part-time course this year too, it got cancelled at the last minute. The kind of job I have means I could put more and more of myself into it if I wanted, but I somewhat resent it as I feel it stole a lot of 20s - I did not focus on myself at all.

A couple of years ago I went to my GP about how I was feeling and she had pressed print on a prescription for anti-depressants before I'd even finished my sentence. I left feeling awful and scared. I felt very suicidal at the beginning of my bout of anti-depressants in my 20s and have no familial suppor, I did not take the medication. I am going to a different, random doctor on Friday to see there can a bit more of a dialogue about how a bout of medication might go.

I'm not totally sure if I have a specific question here. I know I should be feeding myself properly, I should reach out to friends more, I should try new hobbies etc... I know I should do a lot of things but my depression/anxiety makes it seem like these things are physically or mentally impossible a lot of the time. I feel like I've reached stage of permanent stagnancy. I feel therapy has allowed me to become aware of more things but I actually feel worse now than I did a year ago. I would love if someone could sit down with me and make a plan, set goals for me, check in with me to see if I've met the goals - is this something a therapist can do? I feel terribly alone and honestly do not know how to, practically, help myself. It feels unmanageable.

This has been quite a rant. If anyone gets this far, thank you. My mind feels a little clearer after writing this.

Finchie1276

Hi

I am sorry you are feeling like this. You can change this but first of all you need a game plan. Write down each difficulty in a list and post it here , then people can help as it will be clearer. It is very normal for you to feel that this is all very complicated and stressful as you have several scenarios going on, all of which need a specific course of action.

It will help if you list the issues and work from there.

Another day

Sometimes therapy on it's own does not work. Don't knock medication, it can literally save and change your life. Plesse go to the doctor with an open mind, be honest about everything and listen to what they say.

Re your therapist, they are offering you control of your sessions, take it. Maybe start with smaller issues and work up to the bigger ones. Have you tried writing, in order, things you would like to cover? It can be very beneficial and often can lead directly to an issue you are not even aware is hovering in the background. I speak from experience and doing this uncovered things I wasn't aware of but made sense of my reactions to situations, it really sped up my progress and recovery.

Best of luck

lastusername

OP, what's happening is that you have a lot of frantic, frenetic thinking going on. This is causing you to feel how you do, with the result that you are scrambling for answers, structure, solutions and a plan.

This is understandable! However, what if I were to suggest that you are ABSOLUTELY ok as you are, underneath all those clouds of thought, and the real you is in there, all the time?

You actually experience this 'ok-ness' yourself too, when these clouds clear - you say you felt "abnormally jubilant, calm, clear-headed" last week.

This is actually your normal, natural state, and it's only your thinking that ever covers it up. It's only ever you're alarm at how you feel and not being ok with however you feel, that creates these feelings.

This post I wrote on this forum in response to this thread might be helpful to you.

The link to Amy Johnson's PDF below should also be really useful to you and points to the same thing I am pointing to

You are ok just as you are, remember that. Your thoughts and feelings are always flitting about and creating your experience from minute to minute - you live in the feeling of your thinking.

There is no need to be afraid of your very human experience, and there is nothing you need to do about it, as you are always...always ok. Unlike the conventional approaches, there is no need for lists, plans, tools or structures - unless you really want them, of course! Psst though...you won't )

https://dramyjohnson.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/06/Being-Human-Excerpt_Dr-Amy-Johnson.pdf

LegacyUser

Thank you for the replies, I really appreciate it.

I've been reading more stuff along the lines of that thinking @lastusername. It's helpful to a certain extent definitely, it feels like I have no control over how I'm feeling sometimes though. So sometimes I wish it could be as simple as 'this is what's wrong with you' and then I could understand how to fix it. I'll have a look at the document too.

I do need to be more methodical I think. I've tried this to an extent. My biggest issue is speaking about all of it, putting words to it. Atm, I'm feeling OK and thinking 'great, I'll write everything out and this is what we'll talk about first' but when it actually comes to being a room with another person, face-to-face I rarely say what I need to. I am actually realising that I have made some small progress with regard to certain things in the last year though as I think about it now.

Thank you again

lastusername

depressionandanxiety wrote: »

Thank you for the replies, I really appreciate it.

I've been reading more stuff along the lines of that thinking @lastusername. It's helpful to a certain extent definitely, it feels like I have no control over how I'm feeling sometimes though. So sometimes I wish it could be as simple as 'this is what's wrong with you' and then I could understand how to fix it. I'll have a look at the document too.

I do need to be more methodical I think. I've tried this to an extent. My biggest issue is speaking about all of it, putting words to it. Atm, I'm feeling OK and thinking 'great, I'll write everything out and this is what we'll talk about first' but when it actually comes to being a room with another person, face-to-face I rarely say what I need to. I am actually realising that I have made some small progress with regard to certain things in the last year though as I think about it now.

Thank you again

That's great to hear, keep looking in this direction! Highly recommend Amy Johnson's YouTube videos too, there is something about how she communicates this stuff over video that may really resonate with you.

There is nothing that you actually need to do. Imagine taking the word 'control' out of your vocablulary. How might that look?

Thoughts lead to fellings but the truth is, we have no say in what pops into our heads. The good news is that doesn't really matter because they are not OUR thoughts, and we don't have to do anything about them.

It is only when we decide to latch onto some of them and try to analyse and control them, that we feel a certain way.

I reckon everyone has had that random, fleeting thought of pushing a stranger in front of a train while standing at the station (or something similar).

However, would you ever do it? No.

Does it mean anything that you have that funny thought? No.

Do you need to do anything about it, like control it? No!

It's the same with anxious or sad thoughts or feelings. That's all they are, thoughts and feelings, passing through - just like a twig floating on a stream. It's here now, but it'll be gone in a minute, unless we build a dam around it.

There is an intelligence to our design which always brings us back to our default state of calm, ok, and peaceful. That doesn't mean we won't have tough times, but we are designed to always settled back to that default.

Think of this like a ship continually sailing across the seas, automatically. There is no captain because the ship does all the work itself to stay on course. There is nothing anyone needs to do to keep the ship sailing, because it's doing 100% of the work and will never fail.

We are on the deck of this ship, and when everything is fine, we float along with it. But when the skies go dark and there it rocking and turbulence, instead of letting the ship take care of things, we put our hands on the wheel! And *that* is what causes the trouble.

Mam of 4

depressionandanxiety wrote: »

Hi there,

. I would love if someone could sit down with me and make a plan, set goals for me, check in with me to see if I've met the goals - is this something a therapist can do? I feel terribly alone and honestly do not know how to, practically, help myself. It feels unmanageable.

This has been quite a rant. If anyone gets this far, thank you. My mind feels a little clearer after writing this.

Just in relation to the quoted bit , have you ever seen or had appointments with an Occasional Therapist ?
They can help you in setting out a plan in relation to whatever your goals are , and assist you in finding the best way to achieve those goals . That was my sons experience with an OT anyway , she'd set up appointments so he could update her on how things were working out in that regard .

Hope that helps a little bit

Graces7

May sound trite but how much serious exercise are you getting? It is a great stress reliever … even a brisk half hour walk...when we are dealing with emotional/mental issues we tend to forget we live in a physical body.