Relationship eroding my self worth

LegacyUser

I would appreciate any advice on the follwing scenorio;

Background: My partner and I are dating 2.5 years, we moved in together 1 year ago. We are in our thirties/forties. We both are professionals, finacially stable and own a house each. He has never lived with a partner before whereas I was married for 8 years and have children that live with us.

I have found the move very difficult. I moved in with my partner which has resulted in a change of job,schools, friends etc. This was a well considered move and we discussed the many aspects of the move. My partner works massive hours and is not available much. His job is very stressful and he needs to be available for any calls/emergancys that may arise. We don’t spend any time together midweek other than a rushed 20 mins here and there. Depending on his schedule and other commitments such as friends and family we may spend somewhere between 1 – 3 weekends in each others company per month. My kids are at their dads most weekends.

I thought the loneliness would pass in time as I settled into the new area and the new situation but it hasn’t. I have my own friends and my own career. I am very involved with sport and hobbies and have joined groups locally where I have made friends in the new area.

But I find living with my partner harder than when we lived separately. As he is never available and when he is around, he is too tired or stressed. I feel that I am getting the raw end of the deal. I get 100% of housework, laundry , dinners and for what? Romance no longer exists

When I lived in my own house, I never felt lonely. I never had this feeling of waiting for someone else to come home!
The reason we moved in together was that we wanted companionship and a team mate and for our relationship to progress. I didn’t think I would be the sole housekeeper and that I would need to schedule time with him weeks in advance.

I am unsure of how to handle it, as it is not what I wanted or expected.

A few weeks ago I moved into the spare bedroom. He falls asleep most nights in front of the tv downstairs and would come to bed at 1-3am and then get up again around 6am and be gone till 9/10 pm again that night.
I found sharing a bed with him too lonely. I would go to bed by myself everynight aware that it would be hours before he would come to bed and then he would be gone before I wake. It only led to broken sleep and being so aware of how unavailable he is.

I have considered moving out again. I would be in a position to buy a house in the area or move back into my own house. Before we moved in together, he would ring me each evening and we would have wonderful conversations. We would meet up one night midweek and plan nice weekends. These always felt special as I never had to compete for his availability. There was connection.
I seem to have traded all that for more housework and I am starting to resent the trade off.
I have discussed this with him on numerous occassions without much ever coming of it. I understand that it is a significant adjustment for him from living alone to sharing his house with me and the kids. He loves the kids but he expects me to be his housekeeper/caregiver and doesn’t seem to realise that relationships require availability and input.
He works very hard and then when he can take annual leave he plans trips away with friends abroad. He travels abroad every 6-8 weeks. I just am unsure of what I get out of this other than more work and constantly having to prove myself/apolgise.
I miss the connection and romance that we once had.

His mother and his best friend have been very judgemental towards me due to the fact that I was previously married and have children. They have been very direct with their opinions and I am expected to be super nice to win them over but to no avail. It is exhausting as I am not dating these people. I only need my partner to be accepting and loving but he values their opinion and I worry that it is having an impact on our relationship and his view of me.

I have been both ignored and told frankly their opinions of me.
I am starting to feel resentful that I am being made to feel like I need to apoligise for my children/situation. My partner wants me to ignore the behaviour and try to be even nicer to win them other. On every occasion he has gotten angry with me over the situation. If they blank me for the whole night/weekend, he is annoyed that I wasn’t trying hard enough etc. If his mother has a rant at me, he is annoyied that I upset his mother. On every occasion I am always polite and friendly. I will excuse myself from a conversation if it is getting too sharp and directed towards me.This behaviour also occurs at social/work events where he has asked me to be his plus one. He will be very critical towards me at the end of the event and suggest areas of improvement. I find this shocking and unwarranted. Critic may include looking at my phone (to check in with babysitter)/looking too tired after say 11pm (its midweek) etc.

I have been waiting for him to shift his priority from his mother and friends and start to prioritise our relationship but that may not be realistic.


The relationship is starting to challenge my self worth which is a massive red flag.
I feel that unless he mets me half way and is open to discussing our relationship and these issue, then we don't have a future.
Any advice?

HelgaWard

I think you should print off what you wrote here and give it to him. Maybe then he will understand how you feel.

Flippyfloppy

My initial thoughts when reading your post was that it sounds like he should have moved in with you to begin with, as he just needs a bed to sleep in and you had to uproot your whole life to move to him. There must be a logical reason you both decided it would be best for you to move to him.

However, by the time I got to the end of your post I was fuming. Expecting you to be apologetic for the fact you have children, and how he has allowed people in his life to treat you, as well as being critical of you after events.

It really sounds like a case of if you want to know me, live with me. I think you know what you need to do, you sounded much more content before.

LegacyUser

Hi Flippyfloppy, you are correct.
The move to his location offered better school options longterm and career advancement opportunities.
It had been a move that I would have been considering regardless.

What doesn't help is the fact that he is very much defined by his job and that job comes with a great deal of ego. Outward appearances are therefore very important to him, whereas I just do not share those values. I am not defined by my job and I have no need to get the approvable or admiration of others.

He considers me stubborn and difficult regarding this matter (as it crosses a boundary for me) and I just needed an outside opinion to validate my thinking.

Thanks

B0jangles

What positive things are in your life because of this relationship?

You say that he's hardly ever home, and when he is home he doesn't spend any time with you.
He expects you to bend yourself in knots to accomodate his mother and friend's open hostility towards you.
You're left to do all the cooking and cleaning.
He criticizes you publically for looking tired in public, for looking at your phone.

Honestly? He sounds like an absolute, Grade-A ass who must have been putting on one hell of a performance to con you into moving in and even thinking about accepting the situation you describe.

Unless there are a lot of good things you haven't mentioned AND the description you give in the OP is hugely exaggerated because you were furious when you wrote it, I cannot see how or why you would want to stay with such a person.

LegacyUser

Thanks for your reply.

My post is measured not angry. If anything I have underplayed the situation.
He is generally very critical but he doesn't seem to realise this although I say it to him.
His mother is very critical and I guess he has the tendencies. Both are unaware of how cutting the constant criticism are.

Before we moved in together we had a great relationship. We both had busy lives but we made time for each other and really enjoyed each others company. He respected me and made time for me.

I had been cutting him slack due to the fact that this was the first time he has lived with a partner. I expected an adjustment period but its been over a year now and the training wheels need to come off.

You are correct, I am getting nothing positive out of living him currently.
I guess I had hoped that it was just teething problems and that things would settle down.

He tells me regularly that I am over sensitive and difficult or that I am bringing previous baggage into the relationship with my standards. This makes me halt and question myself hence the erosion of self worth.
What has really hit me is that he is currently away and I'm more relaxed and content in myself.

Scarinae

Who was doing the housework, laundry, cooking etc before you moved in with him? Either he was living in filth, paying someone else to do it or he was well able to manage it himself so I don't see why you need to be lumbered with all the housework and meal preparation - you are his partner, not an unpaid maid.

It sounds like everything in the relationship is arranged to suit him and he is taking you completely for granted. In the best possible way, what are you getting out of this relationship? It sounds like you were much happier before you moved in with him, and there are no financial barriers to you moving out.

banie01

Its quite easy to say familiarity breeds contempt and TBH it can if you let it.

What comes before that however is apathy, and that's where you and your partner are now OP.
As someone else has suggested, print what you wrote and give it to them.

The honeymoon period of a relationship is great and when ye lived apart effort had to be made to show affection and attention.
That really goes out the window when you live together and its even harder with kids and blending a family.

Little things like a kiss and a cuppa when one of ye come home can make a huge difference in keeping communication open.
Don't let things fester, as resentment can and does explode.

shesty

To be honest, the stand out line was that he is never home, works endlessly and when he is available to take time off he chooses to head abroad with friends?
Kind of shows where his priorities lie. To be honest, the rubbish with the mother etc is just the cherry on top of a crap situation. Easy though it is for me to say, I think this doesn't have a future OP.

seamus

shesty wrote: »

To be honest, the stand out line was that he is never home, works endlessly and when he is available to take time off he chooses to head abroad with friends?

Same here. To a certain extent some slack can be cut if someone is used to living the single life. They may not realise that having a proper relationship (with kids!) means you can't continue to do the same things you did before, and you need to make time for your partner.

But the OP has been kind enough to cut him this slack, and he hasn't adjusted his expectations despite being told it's an issue.

It may very well be a symptom of the job; that those who do it work hard, party hard, and have a trophy partner at home. That doesn't make it OK. If that's the person he wants to be, then he'll have to find another partner to be it with.

It's up to you OP. You could tell him everything you've said here in the hope that he understands the problem and tries to clean up his act.

Or you could tell him you're moving out. Make actual plans; find somewhere to go, be ready to go, then tell him. It might be the kick in the arse he needs. Or if he turns it around on you, then you know it's all over.

beauf

Seems the OP is at the very bottom of his list of priorities. That's a show stopper right there.

SirChenjin

seamus wrote: »

Or you could tell him you're moving out. Make actual plans; find somewhere to go, be ready to go, then tell him. It might be the kick in the arse he needs. Or if he turns it around on you, then you know it's all over.

This would be my advice. It's exactly what crossed my mind yesterday when I read the OP.
OP, there is nothing but misery in this set-up, for you. Critiquing you for the times when you don't 'measure up' in relation to the mother - well, I'd be long gone. I would consider a lot of the things that you have described point to you being in an abusive relationship. I'm not saying that lightly, btw.

Make your plans and leave before any more harm is done. Your children are observing all of this too, and it's not healthy for them or you.

Take care.

B0jangles

OP6789 wrote: »

Thanks for your reply.

My post is measured not angry. If anything I have underplayed the situation.
He is generally very critical but he doesn't seem to realise this although I say it to him.
His mother is very critical and I guess he has the tendencies. Both are unaware of how cutting the constant criticism are.

Before we moved in together we had a great relationship. We both had busy lives but we made time for each other and really enjoyed each others company. He respected me and made time for me.

I had been cutting him slack due to the fact that this was the first time he has lived with a partner. I expected an adjustment period but its been over a year now and the training wheels need to come off.

You are correct, I am getting nothing positive out of living him currently.
I guess I had hoped that it was just teething problems and that things would settle down.

He tells me regularly that I am over sensitive and difficult or that I am bringing previous baggage into the relationship with my standards. This makes me halt and question myself hence the erosion of self worth.
What has really hit me is that he is currently away and I'm more relaxed and content in myself.

Honestly? It sounds like you are seeing the difference between him in the wooing stage and him as a longterm partner. The behaviour as a longterm partner is much more likely to be the 'real' person unfortunately.

When he was wooing you it sounds like he was fun, he was respectful, he made time for you.

Now that you're a domestic partner, the honeymoon is over - he appears to expect you to slot quietly into his life, into whatever spaces are left over.

He tells me regularly that I am over sensitive and difficult or that I am bringing previous baggage into the relationship with my standards.

He's basically telling you that if you have any problems with the situation, they are 100% yours -, that you should either sort them out yourself or keep quiet about them. Worse than that - that the problems are not even real, they are all the result of your defective personality.

I can't see how this is going to change - he's obviously perfectly content with his life as it is, and your attempts to point out how parts of it affect you are just thrown back in your face. He's just not treating you like an equal partner at all .

SusanC10

What has stood out for me is that he is not prioritizing you and your relationship even during his free time. Also the criticism.

My Husband works long hours and travels a bit though a few years ago it was a lot more. Sometimes he is gone 13/14 hours a day. He is wrecked a lot of evenings mid-week. By default I do all the housework, organise the Kids etc. But I am a SAHM.
And when my Husband is home, he is very much present. And weekends and holidays are family priorities.

I think that you should as Seamus has suggested tell him that if things don't change that you will be moving out. A year in and having already spoken to him on this, I would have limited patience by now.

SusanC10

B0jangles wrote: »

Honestly? It sounds like you are seeing the difference between him in the wooing stage and him as a longterm partner. The behaviour as a longterm partner is much more likely to be the 'real' person unfortunately.

When he was wooing you it sounds like he was fun, he was respectful, he made time for you.

Now that you're a domestic partner, the honeymoon is over - he appears to expect you to slot quietly into his life, into whatever spaces are left over .

Plus 1 to this, btw.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies.

I have appreciated the feedback. It validates my own feelings.
I am going to start exploring my options regarding moving out and planning towards that.
Thanks again

LegacyUser

B0jangles wrote: »

He's basically telling you that if you have any problems with the situation, they are 100% yours -, that you should either sort them out yourself or keep quiet about them. Worse than that - that the problems are not even real, they are all the result of your defective personality.

I can't see how this is going to change - he's obviously perfectly content with his life as it is, and your attempts to point out how parts of it affect you are just thrown back in your face. He's just not treating you like an equal partner at all .

You are correct in this. He thinks that the relationship is going perfectly except for my unhappiness in it which I need to work on ie. the issues are entirely my fault and my inability to be happy due to underlying mental problems or baggage.
He doesn't take responsibility towards the relationship himself and therefore this attitude stops him listening/hearing me.
I figure he has spent too much time single.

beauf

I think it would be very unlikely that someone who has priorities so skewed would be able to change enough to make a meaningful difference to the relationship.



I would say they spend too long being selfish with their priorities, rather than single. Not everyone who is long time single is like this. Though some are.

B0jangles

OP6789 wrote: »

You are correct in this. He thinks that the relationship is going perfectly except for my unhappiness in it which I need to work on ie. the issues are entirely my fault and my inability to be happy due to underlying mental problems or baggage.
He doesn't take responsibility towards the relationship himself and therefore this attitude stops him listening/hearing me.
I figure he has spent too much time single.

I am so sorry, this sounds like an incredibly lonely situation to be in I wish there was something positive I could say but there just isn't; I really think you'd be a lot happier single than in this relationship. Take care of yourself and do what you feel is best for your own happiness.

Ursus Horribilis

The more you tell us about this relationship, the worse it sounds. I think you should pack your bags and leave. This proves the old adage "If you want to know me come live with me"

zoobizoo

He was basically living a single life before you moved in.

Now that you've moved in, he is still trying to live a single life - and you just happen to be there too.


He has no time for you but he has time to go on trips with friends every 6 / 8 weeks and he hasn't changed any of his behaviours since you have moved in.

He hasn't "manned up" - which as a guy who successfully reached his early 40s as a bachelor, I had to do when my partner (now wife) moved in with me. I had to start thinking "how will this effect her" when I was making decisions.

He hasn't copped on and by the sounds of it, won't.

LegacyUser

zoobizoo wrote: »

He was basically living a single life before you moved in.

Now that you've moved in, he is still trying to live a single life - and you just happen to be there too.

This is exactly the issue.

I had expectations of building a life together that was mutually supportive and beneficial.
He is older and he was direct in expressing that he wanted marriage and a child when we first started dating. I respected his honesty and although not broody myself, I would have been open to those things if the relationship progressed.

I just find the whole thing bizarre that a person can still act single and yet want/expect those things without making any adjustments to their lifestyle.

His default belief is that women are self-sacrificing and people pleasing and when they are not, he considers them difficult or high maintenance.

Ursus Horribilis

Most people who've been long-term single but hoped they'd meet someone would be thanking their lucky stars that it had finally happened. It looks like this guy just put his best side out so he could get the girl, so to speak. Then once he had her bagged, stopped bothering to make an effort. With an attitude like his, you're better off being single and starting over again.

B0jangles

OP6789 wrote: »

This is exactly the issue.

I had expectations of building a life together that was mutually supportive and beneficial.
He is older and he was direct in expressing that he wanted marriage and a child when we first started dating. I respected his honesty and although not broody myself, I would have been open to those things if the relationship progressed.

I just find the whole thing bizarre that a person can still act single and yet want/expect those things without making any adjustments to their lifestyle.

His default belief is that women are self-sacrificing and people pleasing and when they are not, he considers them difficult or high maintenance.

I've tried to respond to this in a way which expresses my honest opinion without being extraordinarily harsh about your partner, but I'm struggling.


He sounds like he needs to hop into his time machine and head back to the 1850's - might find the kind of 'Angel in the House' woman that suits his needs there.

banoffe2

Hi Op

it sounds like there is a huge lack of mutual respect and appreciation on his part, he didn't have to move, you chose to move with the best of intentions to develop the relationship and well done for having the courage to do so, you had a positive experience with him while living separately and sharing quality time.

Unfortunately it looks like there is nothing in this for you, its good that you are aware of it and not denying the situation or making excuses for him.

The environment and the obvious disapproval from his mother is very damaging to your self worth and mental health the concept of trying harder to win her approval is even more annoying, suggesting its you are the one who needs to change here.

From reading your post OP I feel your pain, but I also sense your courage and strength and this will really stand to you moving forward.

IMO it would be a total waste of time talking to him and expecting him to change, it sounds like he is very self serving and his ego is his priority. Doubt he would be open to counseling or looking inward at his own issues, all his needs have been met up until now.

Plan for yourself move when it suits you, keep the power of self belief and keep him out of your plan as it looks obvious that he doesn't deserve you.

If you hadn't moved in with him you would never have had this wisdom and insight, a hard lesson, but one you can change and make a better future for you and your kids, you have everything going for you.

If you hadn't made this move you possibly would always have wondered would it have worked out if you gave it the chance, now you know better.

The loneliness of being with someone who is emotionally unavailable is soul destroying.

It sounds as if you have reached a decision, in the meantime stay strong and keep reaching out, this will pass, you will get over it, this environment is clearly not good for you and this will transfer to your kids.

wishing you the very best of luck

suicide_circus

OP6789 wrote: »

Thanks for all the replies.

I have appreciated the feedback. It validates my own feelings.
I am going to start exploring my options regarding moving out and planning towards that.
Thanks again

good for you, sounds utterly dreadful, get out of there.