How to separate

Unhappywife

Background is married 9 years, together 11. 2 kids. Never been the best marriage in the world but I am now extremely unhappy. A lot has gone in the last 12 months including physical violence which also happened a few years ago. We have a house with a small LTV and he has a place before we got married rented out with a small mortgage. I want it over. The kids are now involved in our fights and it is a miserable existence. We don’t have a spare room so what can I do? Do I contact a mediator? Solicitor? He is delusional and thinks it will all blow over. After the absolute worst weekend of my life I never want to spend time with him again. Any advice or direction would be much appreciated.

D13exile

Was the violence reported to the Gardai? If not, why not? If and when this gets to the Courts, you'll need proof of everything, particularly the violence.

Ok, first things first.....

1. Are you really sure you want to separate? If not, try counselling first.

2. If yes, try mediation first as it will avoid hefty legal fees. You both need to be willing to compromise for this to work.

3. Failing that, get a good Solicitor. This isn't as easy as you might think as it took me four attempts to get one I was happy with.

4. To get a Judicial separation, you'll have to prove the marriage is over at least 12 months but if you're still sleeping with him, eating with him, washing clothes etc, that says your still in a "married state". In my case, I slept in the sitting room, washed my and the kids clothes separate to hers, separate meals etc.

5. You need to have been "living apart" (which may include under the same roof) for 4 years if you want a divorce.

6. Get copies of bank statements, mortgage statements to prove who pays what.

7. Keep a diary of any abuse including emotional, psychological and physical towards you and the children. If he gets threatening or violent again, you can seek a Protection Order or a Barring Order in the District Court. You don't need a Solicitor for that. The former can be used to get him out of the house by the Guards if he threatens you again. The latter will get him out of the house immediately.

That's the basics. Prepare yourself for a long and hard struggle ahead as Family Law in Ireland is dragged out for the benefit of the legal profession and their sky high fees. You may be entitled to Free Legal Aid, in which case, you should apply for this now.

Best of luck.