Drop old acquaintances

LegacyUser

Hi folks,
There are two people in my life who i used to be friends with in college (college ended over ten years ago). I have continued to meet them every few months. We don't live in the same area. For the past few years i have wanted to cut all contact because we have drifted. I have a job and am working towards a house etc they don't work and seem to have developed mental health issues and when we meet up its all about their problems which to me sound like teenage first world problems. I wish them the best but we seem to inhabit totally different worlds now. They want to visit me in my area. I don't want this isnt it natural for people to grow apart? I never initiate the contact. Any advice? I have moved on and they drag me down :-(

zapper55

When they suggest a particular date say sorry I'm not around. And dont suggest another date.

If they send a vague question, just say sorry lads it doesnt suit. There's no point giving an explanation from what you've said.

joeguevara

There are two ways of approaching this. Either by being distant, say you are busy if they ask to meet or completely ignore.

Or be direct and say that although you cherish the memories but yOu want to concentrate in your job and your house.

There has been many threads on this where people wonder why old friends have cut contact and affecting them not knowing.

It's clear that you have moved on as friends would want to help friends if they are going through a tough time. What might seem like first world problems to you might be serious to them. That's not a judgment on you at all but there might come a time where you might need a friends help and can then relate.

My advice is be direct but sensitive. People move apart and that's fine but it can hurt.

Anna2834

I had several friends like that, from secondary school/college etc....we naturally just drifted apart...from time to time one contacts me and asks me to drop by...I never have the time and we only live 30 mins drive from each other. It's nothing personal we just drifted apart...she got married, had a child then divorced...and while she was married that's when the natural split happened. Life takes charge and pushes us towards different avenues....

If you have nothing in common with them anymore and you feel they drag you down, just slowly ignore/avoid or just be opened with them and let them know things have changed.

Good luck OP.

LegacyUser

Thanks, folks. It is something I feel a bit guilty about that I've lost the will to want to help and yet I just have absolutely nothing to say anymore to them. I have just drifted away. Like any human i have my own problems - and believe me i have quite a few - but the difference is i like to keep my probs to myself. That's just me. I never like to burden anyone else as I'm sure they have their own issues too. So i think that's a big sticking point. I have been compassionate but there's only so many years you can listen to the same problems and dole out the same advice. Nothing is going to change for them if they don't get out there, get a job, mix with people. I really hope they do turn it around but as the years go by that looks very doubtful. There's no point in me even talking about my life with them as we're poles apart now. I'm seeking promotions, wanting to meet someone, get a house and they're still complaining about their parents... i don't think I'm fantastic but I'm trying to pay my way in the world and muddle through without problem dumping.
I don't like the idea of ghosting but i also fear being direct could be hurtful too. I'll try cut the ties some way. I just have nothing to say now and dread meet ups. Cheers for the thoughts. Over and out.

Purple Mountain

I agree with your approach.
Ghosting people who were one friends is just mean in my view.
Also, I think having a break up chat is harsh too.
So, just drift slowly away.
Be less available. Be vague. Text less.
Eventually time will pass and they'll realise life is OK without you.
It's happened to us all, both as receiver and giver. It's just life.
I'd you're not getting any benefit from the friendship then it's definitely time to jump ship.

Ursus Horribilis

joeguevara wrote: »

Or be direct and say that although you cherish the memories but you want to concentrate in your job and your house.

If somebody said that to me, I'd be quite hurt at first. Then angry. What an awful thing to say to anybody. It's patronising, it's hurtful and insensitive.

No, the advice given about being less available and drifting away is better.

NIMAN

To be honest, if you were very good friends with these folk, I'd give the opposite advice.

Life is made easier with friends, no man is an island etc etc. We all need friends and many people now don't have enough of them.

If you were close, there is no reason meeting a couple of times a year should be a hassle. It might only be for a coffee or a pint to catch up. Thats not much out of your time and it might mean a great deal to your friends, especially if they are having health issues.

Seeing people here advise you to abandon potentially depressed people goes against all the current push for acknowledging peoples problems, helping them, providing a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on.

But only you know best.

Ursus Horribilis

While I agree with you to a point, why would anybody want to spend their free time with former friends who now make them feel miserable? I understand how the OP feels because I eventually dropped a college friend who was somewhat similiar. I started to feel like I was visiting the dentist when I was getting into the car to go visit her. It was a weight off my shoulders when contact between us finally stopped. I'm not the sort of person who drops friends when they have problems but sometimes people become drains, not radiators.

NIMAN

Agree with you too to an extent!

I have examples in my own life of people who I would have kept in contact with but who gradually over time drifted away as friends.

I think some of these are just natural, many live a long way away, its difficult to meet up etc. It wasn't because I didn't enjoy their company. I got married, had kids, my life changed.

I can understand if the OP wanted to let these particular friends 'loose' to get on with their own lives. Some friendships simply run their course.

ILoveYourVibes

I suppose stop responding or just say you are very very busy.

cj maxx

Just say you can't meet them as you're busy , saving for a house, got a date etc.
Maybe it will give them the impetus to do the same, if they aren't already or are stuck in a rut.
And don't get too beat up about it. We all have once great friends who have grown apart.

farmchoice

you can ever have too many friends, even semi crazy pains in the hole. the day may come when they will be there when others you might have expected to stand up disappear from sight.

dont cut them off completely, meet them the odd time, listen to their daft trivial ****e.
as life goes by you would be surprised how hard it can be to acquire people in your life who actually want to have you around them.

anyway, perhaps they need you more then you need them.

isohon

Hi OP,

I've been in your friends shoes. I've been in your shoes too. Everyone is an individual and you ultimately know what is best for you in the situation.

As someone who lost friends in a similar situation, I would like to say that it was very painful, traumatic even. The difference being I suppose that these were two people that I had considered some of my very closest friends. Looking back now it is easier, but I still feel the anxiety I felt when I realised two of my best friends had basically decided I wasn't worth it. I am not going to pretend I didn't give them plenty of reason, but I so wish that they had explicitly told me how I was making them feel so I could have had the chance to make the changes I needed to before they were gone. At the time I was unemployed, and I was making poor decisions and I had I suppose become a drain as another poster put it above. I wasn't always like that though, and I wasn't doing it to hurt others, I was just struggling, suffering much more than even I knew at the time.

Ultimately I managed to get myself back on track (knocks furiously on wood), and I have to acknowledge that part of what made me finally realise I had to majorly change was the fact that I'd been ditched. So maybe it was all for the best. I still wish I could have spotted the rot earlier though.

Best of luck to you, and your two associates whatever you do decide.