Disordered personality not cut out for relationships

LegacyUser

I think that I'm not suited or destined for relationships. I'm a mid thirties female, single for most of my life but I've recently met someone whom I'm head over heels about.

My problem is however that I don't think I'm "good" at relationships, perhaps through immaturity or lack of experience.

When things are going good, then they're really good, however if I even get a slight sense of disinterest or coldness from the other person it sets me off into a low mood and depressed tearful state, which in turn makes things worse between us. I'm really bad at communicating my feelings and talking about hard issues. I can just about bring myself to do it over text but I find it really hard to have a serious discussion on a hard subject or if I'm upset or unhappy about something face to face. I'm the classic "I'm fine" whenever someone asks me what's wrong if they know I'm being off with them.

And it's not me trying to be awkward or create bad vibes and aggro and strife. I'm quite the opposite really. I'm a born yes person and people pleaser. I'll break my back to make others happy to my own detriment. So I think it's best all round not to rock the boat and pretend that I'm fine when clearly I'm not and the other person can see as much. I just find it really hard to open up about my true feelings.

I think in part it's a fear of losing the other person by being seen as troublesome or bothersome, so I just try my best to plaster on a fake sad smile and pretend as though that everything is fine and then the other person gets frustrated with me as they know something is up but I just clam up. I'm afraid that if I start to have a real discussion about something that is bothering me then I will start to well up and cry and end up making a big deal over nothing and create drama and fuss where none is needed nor wanted.

It's been about 12 years since my last relationship, so as I said, I have little experience but I'm beginning to wonder if I'm cut out for them at all.

The person I'm seeing at the moment is wonderful, I'm crazy about them, I've never been with someone so caring and affectionate before. I know he can't always be lovely dovey with me all the time, but I can't help but feel myself start to feel neglected, hurt and sad if I feel he's being somewhat distant with me at times.

Like last night, it was our last night together for a few weeks as we are each going away so won't be seeing one another in person for a month or so. I had hoped to have an early night to spend some quality time with each other but he just wanted to watch TV, which is what we did.

Then at bedtime he didn't tell me that he loved me like he normally would and wasn't as affectionate or in the mood for sex like he normally would be, but I know he's having a stressful time in his life atm, so that could explain that.

I know he loves me and the feeling is mutual, but I can't help myself from letting my head lose the run of itself from any perceived slights or I feel the other person is being a bit cold or distant.

Like, after last night because I was feeling somewhat unloved, unwanted and dejected, I couldn't sleep at all last night, and today I just want to cry all day. I've been playing out various break up scenarios in my head. I don't have any reason to reasonably believe this, but I can't help but let my mind go off and invariably I always think of the worst, most negative outcome and this makes me sad and depressed and miserable, and then I'm off with the other person.

I want to break this cycle but I don't know how.

I really love the person I'm with and want to give us the best chance possible. They're much more experienced at relationships than I and a much more open and honest communicator than I and seemingly have no issues talking about real emotional stuff, whereas I do.

I want to change and give myself the best shot at this relationship as to be honest I'm not getting any younger either.

I know I sound like a complete head wrecker, but tbh I normally try to play things off quite cool. I keep my insecurities and fears to myself and don't like to create unnecessary drama with my partner, and with people in general.

I wish I could stop mentally torturing myself the way I do however.

I feel like as though I may have some personality disorder. Mod note, I'm not looking for a medical diagnosis, I know this contravenes the charter on here.

I've read some very interesting replies on here from some very well read and knowledgeable folk on here, essentially in relation to relationships and classic personality types.

I would be curious to hear what personality / relationship type person I may be, purely so I could Google it and hope to learn a bit more about myself and why I am the way I am, and hopefully in turn educate and improve myself. I can't afford any form of therapy or counselling right now, hence I'd like to get some self help books if anyone could recommend any, and to perhaps see if I fit any categories when it comes to personality or relationship style types so I could read up more on it and see how to best tackle and approach it and deal with it. I really do want to change and don't want to always feel quite so snivelling and pathetic living in fear that I'm losing or will lose the other person. I just want to live and be happy in the now and not making myself unhappy and upset because I have been conjuring up fights and break up scenarios and drama in my head over what in reality is probably nothing.

I feel like others are so carefree in relationships whereas I question every touch, every glance and over analysis and over think everything. I just want to be happy with what I have currently without sucking the life and joy and fun out of everything because of my reticence and fear and insecurity.

I really look forward to any insight and hearing from you, even if the replies are hard to read.

Thelonious Monk

Yeah you need to control your anxiety. There are different ways to do this but I'd recommend mindfulness/meditation.
This book is amazing -

https://www.amazon.com/Mindfulness-Practical-Guide-Finding-Frantic/dp/074995308X

It really helps you learn to understand how your brain works and to step back and watch your thoughts instead of compulsively acting on them.

Anyway all this stuff really helped me change as a person, I started it almost 5 years ago and haven't looked back. I am able to handle relationships and other situations way better now than I used to, and I put it all down to getting control of anxiety and overthinking via mindfulness. Good luck.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

Therapy. Therapy therapy therapy.

You could also look up romantic attachment styles. Reading your post there's like a bullet point list of one particular attachment style jumping out at me but I think it might be better for you to look into them yourself and see which, if any you identify with.

Open, honest, healthy communication is a learned skill for many, if not most people. It's hard, you haven't had practice, and certain elements of your personality probably make it even more difficult for you. I don't intend that as any kind of criticism, we all have aspects of our personality that make various interpersonal things easier or harder.

You want to grow and improve, you're aware (acutely so, it seems) of what the issue is, and you have a boyfriend who's a) a good motivation* to resolve this and b) a good communicator himself. So you are a very strong position to do some productive work on yourself, but I think it would be best to have someone to help.

*do this for yourself though, not him. If you do the work and it doesn't work out with him, it's still going to stand to you to have done it.

OP, try this book, it is excellent : https://www.amazon.co.uk/When-Say-Feel-Guilty-Systematic-ebook/dp/B004IK8Q22/ref=sr_1_1?crid=32JQLUJ8FKYM9&keywords=when+i+say+no+i+feel+guilty&qid=1568815372&sprefix=when+i+say+%2Caps%2C572&sr=8-1

Can't find the paperback version

LegacyUser

Thelonious Monk wrote: »

Yeah you need to control your anxiety. There are different ways to do this but I'd recommend mindfulness/meditation.
This book is amazing -

https://www.amazon.com/Mindfulness-Practical-Guide-Finding-Frantic/dp/074995308X

It really helps you learn to understand how your brain works and to step back and watch your thoughts instead of compulsively acting on them.

Anyway all this stuff really helped me change as a person, I started it almost 5 years ago and haven't looked back. I am able to handle relationships and other situations way better now than I used to, and I put it all down to getting control of anxiety and overthinking via mindfulness. Good luck.

Thank you so much for this. I do suffer from anxiety, so I know that I can tend to ruminate on things and let them fester. I have just added this book to my shopping list so I will most definitely be checking it out. Thank you kindly for the suggestion and for taking the time to reply. I'm glad to hear that it has helped you and you're doing so well. I hope I'll be able to come back on here in 5yrs time and be able to say the same.

LegacyUser

Dorothy Slow Abdomen wrote: »

Therapy. Therapy therapy therapy.

You could also look up romantic attachment styles. Reading your post there's like a bullet point list of one particular attachment style jumping out at me but I think it might be better for you to look into them yourself and see which, if any you identify with.

Open, honest, healthy communication is a learned skill for many, if not most people. It's hard, you haven't had practice, and certain elements of your personality probably make it even more difficult for you. I don't intend that as any kind of criticism, we all have aspects of our personality that make various interpersonal things easier or harder.

You want to grow and improve, you're aware (acutely so, it seems) of what the issue is, and you have a boyfriend who's a) a good motivation* to resolve this and b) a good communicator himself. So you are a very strong position to do some productive work on yourself, but I think it would be best to have someone to help.

*do this for yourself though, not him. If you do the work and it doesn't work out with him, it's still going to stand to you to have done it.

Electro~Bitch, you're actually one of the first people I thought of when writing this as you're always so nail on the head with your insights and advice.

Romantic attachment style was exactly the term I was looking for but I couldn't think of.

I will certainly look them up and see which one I typically fall into, however on saying that, I would also be very curious to hear which category you think I fit given that there is in fact one jumping out at you so readily, so I can read up on it and find hints and tips to help overcome it and grow and mature as a person.

I haven't taken anything from your post as a criticism at all, quite the opposite and yes you are correct, I do find it difficult to have open, honest and healthy dialogue with people, which is something I would like to improve and learn a skill set in as it is something in which I am lacking, much to my detriment.

Unfortunately due to circumstances at the moment I cannot afford therapy, hence looking for online advice and relationship attachment styles to explore and book recommendations so I can do a bit of self help myself. Plus, I wouldn't even know what sort of therapy I should be going for, CBT, counselling, talk therapy, psychology, psychiatry etc... I barely know where to start or what to ask for, so I'm not sure which service would be of the most benefit to me or how to go about finding same.

I am very lucky with my partner, though he has his ups and downs too with stress in his life and he also suffers from anxiety, so if he's in a bit of a mood, this of course has a knock on effect on me, but he's able to express himself better than I am, whereas I tend to bottle it all up.

I would like this relationship to work, so I'm willing to put the effort in, but I would also be doing it for myself and not solely for the benefit of the relationship as I know that it will greatly benefit me going forward and hopefully improve all aspects of my life.

Thank you once again for your input and for taking the time to reply.

I appreciate your solid advice as always.

LegacyUser

Deleted User wrote: »

OP, try this book, it is excellent : https://www.amazon.co.uk/When-Say-Feel-Guilty-Systematic-ebook/dp/B004IK8Q22/ref=sr_1_1?crid=32JQLUJ8FKYM9&keywords=when+i+say+no+i+feel+guilty&qid=1568815372&sprefix=when+i+say+%2Caps%2C572&sr=8-1

Can't find the paperback version

Thank you for the recommendation, I have just added this to my cart, it looks like an interesting read and I'm sure that a lot of what is contained inside will resonate with me.

ILoveYourVibes

OP don't think your own emotions are the reality of a situation. If your feelings keep telling you that you are unloved when its not true you will be all over the place.

You can try feeling more secure or calm or ...try to not ignore your feelings but not react to them either. Does that make sense?


I am sure you would make a lovely partner for someone.