social anxiety

LegacyUser

I've had social anxiety since a teen and spent most of my 20s withdrawn and alone. i'm in my 30s now and realizing this isn't normal. its getting me very depressed. I feel different from everyone but at the same time social anxiety stops me going out to meet people because i find it difficult.

I came here to ask what can I do about this?

zoobizoo

Well first up, it's normal for some people, as in, it's a condition that many people suffer from.

I used to suffer from it a lot in my teens and early 20s.

It can be very debilitating.


How to get over it: go see a psychologist.

Also, get a copy of The Feeling Good HAndbook for some good CBT exercises.

lastusername

Think of it as having feelings of anxiety as opposed to having a 'condition'. There are times when you have those feelings, but plenty of times when you don't.

So it's not a fixed condition or something you have to 'get over'. If you can see that these are feelings that can't hurt you and you don't need to invest in, that they aren't 'you' - then you can start to feel them loosen.

All thoughts and feelings pass, they are impermanent and have no meaning or importance outside of what we give them. Many brilliant nights out have been had by many people who felt anxious before heading out, but who went on to feel good during the night. You're not broken and that's possible for you too!

ILoveYourVibes

First of all tell people around you that this is an issue and ask can they be understanding.

Sometimes people think you don't want to be with them sometimes when really its anxiety. So just let them know its just anxiety.

Start off slow do a social thing in an environment you feel confident in. Or at a hobby or event you feel confident in. Then take it from there.

It will get better.

Lapis Luzali

Firstly, id just like to say, as someone who has had social anxiety for all of my adult life, it is a condition and recognising it as such is the first step in taking back control.
Its not day to day anxiety that most people deal with, its debilitating.
The fear might seem irrational to other people but its very real to the sufferer.

Id also advise against telling people around you, not everyone is understanding.

Dont let anyone belittle your thoughts and feelings OP, its hard to get appropriate help and support for long term mental health problems and mental illness as it is.

The first thing you need to do is go to your GP, you'll probably be recommended medication for anxiety and depression, you can also request free counselling with the HSE which is great but be prepared to wait, the waiting lists can be anything from 6 to 12 months and you will only get 8 - 10 weeks of therapy.
What your describing sounds like you will need long term sessions and support. Go for the free therapy anyway, its worth it and you have nothing to lose.
If you can afford it, go privately yourself while you wait, ask you GP for a recommendation.

Something that helped me was challenging myself by putting myself in situations where I felt uncomfortable like going to the hairdressers, going to the gym, going to a cafe on my own, at first it was hard but these are things that I love doing now.

I also found blindboy boatclubs podcast really helpful and informative, he goes into psychological theories and analysis about social anxiety, human behaviour and mental health in some of his podcasts, id recommend giving those a listen.


Well done OP, you have taken the first step.

lastusername

What if, instead of a condition (which sounds fixed, a burden, something to overcome), it were a collection of thoughts leading to feelings?

And nothing else?

This is not to diminish the feelings in ANY way, by the way. If something is debilitating, the feeling is it's running and ruling your life.

If someone were to ask you what a condition is, it's interesting to look at how you'd describe it.

If you were asked what a broken leg looks like, you could easily do a google search and describe the bones, cartilage and muscle involved, and how it occurs.

But for a condition like this, how would you describe it?

You'd likely talk about how you start to have certain thoughts, and then you feel a certain way.

It's the seeing that these are thoughts and feelings, and nothing more, that can make the difference.

That you're not broken and you don't need 'fixing'. Like Lapis Luzali said, she felt uncomfortable but went out and did what she wanted to do anyway, and I imagine she would say that once at the gym or the hairdressers, those thoughts and feelings started to fade and diminish gradually, and so things weren't as scary anymore.

The funny thing is, this is what happens when the mind starts to quiet, and your thinking settles down - you get more in tune with who you really are. And that's someone who's whole, calm and peaceful at their core.

LegacyUser

OP again here. thanks for the replies


lastusername, I like your analogy. Its given me something to think about


Lapis Luzali, I might try counseling maybe. Well done for overcoming the problem yourself. Personally I dont mind going out alone to say the the hairdresser or a cafe, in fact I'm comfortable enough alone. Thats the problem its talking to people where the social anxiety comes in. Large groups and one on one conversations are the hardest

ILoveYourVibes

You can try individual or group therapy OP.


Or expressing it through art etc? I find that great!

lastusername

usernamehere29 wrote: »

OP again here. thanks for the replies


lastusername, I like your analogy. Its given me something to think about


Lapis Luzali, I might try counseling maybe. Well done for overcoming the problem yourself. Personally I dont mind going out alone to say the the hairdresser or a cafe, in fact I'm comfortable enough alone. Thats the problem its talking to people where the social anxiety comes in. Large groups and one on one conversations are the hardest

Hi OP,

I'm really delighted to hear that, this is a new paradigm in psychology that turns the current model completely on its head. You won't hear about it in the news or mainstream media, but it's growing!

The current model treats the person as being 'broken' in some way, as having a condition or mental health issues, etc - words that we hear a lot these days.

It looks like this:

Really don't feel good quite a bit of the time -> talk to someone -> get diagnosed -> receive pills with side effects / counselling -> feel you have a condition you have to live with or find ways to cope with...

The new model:

Really don't feel good quite a bit of the time -> you are still always ok because you are still YOU, and you are NOT your thinking. Seeing this can really dissolve those anxious feelings.

In fact, instead of thinking of social anxiety as this thing that you have, you could maybe see it more as:

"Sometimes I have anxious thoughts which lead to anxious feelings. That's perfectly ok. Then, when I'm not having anxious thoughts and I feel calm and clear, I don't. And thats perfectly ok too".

Another potentially useful analogy for you is the snow globe. When you are thinking hard and fast, your mind is like a snow globe that has just had a good old shake, with the flakes of snow streaming about all over the place.

When your thinking calms down, the snow starts to subside and all is calm and clear again.

That's EXACTLY how your mind works. When lots of thinking is going on, you FEEL that thinking. We live in the feeling of our thinking, moment to moment.

But...here's the thing. If you walked in to your friend's house and saw a snow globe on their kitchen table all alive with the snowflakes flying all over the place, you wouldn't rush over and start looking for explanations as to what was going on, or ask how you could work together to calm the snow globe down, so that it could go back to 'normal'...

Course not, because you know how snow globes work and so you'd not think twice about it because you know it will settle down and return to its calm, default state pretty quickly (hint: your default state is calm too).

And, just as the snow globe works that way...you guessed it - it's how *you* work too. Not just you, but all of us! This is great news, as it means you don't need to worry that you have a condition or that there is anything wrong with you at all, because this is just how a mind works.

Your mind is just doing what a mind does, just as a snow globe does what a snow globe does. It's just spitting stuff out now and then, and there's no need for alarm.

And *you* are not your mind. And just because some snow (thoughts) are flying about now and again, there is no action you need to take, because before long, it'll all settle back down again.