Separating after 16 years of marriage... Where to start?

LegacyUser

After a tough few years, on both of us, we've decided to call it a day. We have 4 school age children. For financial and practical reasons we are going to both remain in the family home until at least after Christmas at which time it will be more practical for him to move out.

Where do we start? How do we go about sorting out the practicalities? We currently have only a joint account. He works full-time and is the main wage earner, I work part-time around school drops and pick ups. What are the first things we need to do? What are the most important things to focus on in the initial stages. I think (hope) we will be able to keep it amicable and keep the children and their needs to the fore.

Any advice welcome.

Another day

First stop should be to arrange a mediation appointment. These can take month's to get so you have time to prepare.

Avoid solicitors for as long as possible, they are a money pit and will drain your finances.

Keep things civil, keep the kids out of it. Obviously you will have to tell them but try and stay away from the blame game. If they see you're both happy with the decision it will make things much easier and smoother.

Take a good look at your finances, be realistic in what you need v what you'd like money wise. Work out the monthly necessities to keep the children in their home, mortgage, food, clothing etc. Put money aside for when you split so the other has a deposit for a new place.

Separation puts a financial strain on everyone, the same income keeping 2 places going so communication and compromise is required.

Depending on the age of your children, consider going back to work full time. You will need every cent in time to come.

Best of luck

SoapMcTavish

I would disagree with the above. If you can mediate between yourselves ,then just do up your own lists of requirements, discuss and define your needs. If ye can agree - then go to your respective solicitors. No need to wait around for mediation if you both can be amicable and realistic.

Wabbit Ears

I'm going to disagree with both answers above. Take the hit and do it properly with a legal separation with everything transparent. Do mediation to come to an agreement and get it rubber stamped by your respective, seperate lawyers.

So so many stories of folk half ar$eing it on the cheap and it all coming back to bite one or the other.

Increasingly the father is retaining the family home and some progress towards fair parental rights is happing so the assumption that the father moves out even though he may or may not be better suited to be the main carer is changing. I understand that he may have capitulated to the short straw but mediation and the harsh realities may change that.

Another day

Mediation is recommended by the courts. Mediators will think of scenarios that you won't. It is the first step not the complete process.

I suggested meditation for the above reasons. I did say to discuss what you want and gather information prior to it so that you are both semi prepared and hopefully have basics agreed.

Whatever you come up with in mediation needs to be rubber stamped by the courts to make it binding.

So while the 2 other posters disagree with me they essentially are saying the same....

1874

Another day wrote: »

Mediation is recommended by the courts. Mediators will think of scenarios that you won't. It is the first step not the complete process.

I suggested meditation for the above reasons. I did say to discuss what you want and gather information prior to it so that you are both semi prepared and hopefully have basics agreed.

Whatever you come up with in mediation needs to be rubber stamped by the courts to make it binding.

So while the 2 other posters disagree with me they essentially are saying the same....

Scenarios like what? mediators dont have some ability any other person doesnt. Dont know whats with the assumption that a father will just simply move out, I cant imagine that suiting the person moving out at all. Practical for who? not them Id say.

Another day

1874 wrote: »

Scenarios like what? mediators dont have some ability any other person doesnt. Dont know whats with the assumption that a father will just simply move out, I cant imagine that suiting the person moving out at all. Practical for who? not them Id say.

The kind of scenarios that cause friction and resentment post separation. If access cannot happen for any reason, alternatives; guardianship if one parent becomes ill; if a couple cannot agree sensibly they mediate gor a resolution, generally keeping the process amicable. So many pluses, a neutral person with no axe to grind. A solicitor can drag it out changing nice fees along the way, family giving their opinion which may not be in best interests of the parties.

It does not have to be the father move out, I never said father, I said other as I believe father's are as able as mother's to bring up their children. actually if there is space no one does. But provision has to be made, not ignore the possibility/probability. Head in the sand doesn't work.

Glass fused light

OP it's hard at the moment but you are both ar getting along and I expect making the decision itself is a relief. It may get harder between now and Christmas as it a big stresser of expense the perfect family imagery etc. so the ugly bits need to be negotiated around and discussed like adults.

Firstly being married or not will have an impact on the breakup of your relationship and the legal status will have implications as to what needs to happen.

Finances are a big one, you both need to start breaking the links and organise your futures on the basis of you both have moved on and are in new relationships.

If married you both need to do up a will for the disposal of any assets after death, plus, look at a power of attorney being assigned to someone other than your spouse and any assurance / insurance policies (through work etc) need to be reviewed too.

Both jobs HR need to be informed of new next of kin, and new contact details etc.

Do Revenue currently treat you as a (married) joint couple for taxes or are you separately assessed and sharing the tax band and allowances?

You both need new bank accounts in your own names, and the same with debit and credit cards. You need to split the personal expenditure into the new accounts.

You need to look at the bank account you hold jointly and consider closing it out asap or at least ensure that there is no way to overdraw the account. If you remain in the house i would suggest two single account for direct household and child care expenditure and a separate one for yourself. If you have a mortgage you need to get the bank to agree to send individual letters to each of you. Savings accounts are more difficult to resolve.

If the childern are not yet old enough to have bank accounts of their own but ones opened this needs to be looked at.

If you don't keep printed statements data dump into excel or print out the last years financial transactions and highlight the expenditure into different buckets,
House, utility, car, medical, food, holidays etc this will give you both a realistic costing and budget going forward.

Add in a different "house name" to each of your addresses. You are Ms. G, Blue Sea, no 5 Main St and he is Mr. G, Yellow Flower, no 5 Main St. It becomes obvious at a glance what companies have been contacted and updated and what letters are personal to each of you. Later the letters can be set aside for collection or redirected by An Post

Car insurance, mobile phones, and any other service needs to be separated.
Look at the utilities and how long contracts have still to run and if either of you need to be added as a contact. You dont want a situation where the electric company won't deal with you as the account is in his name.

And depending on your ages an agreement to change to all Internet passwords to social media and defriending now may be the easier option. Who has control and oversight of the children's social media neede to be included in that conversation too.

As you have officially called it a day have "agreement" on behaviours pre move out household chores, social situations etc. And on any relationships which may start and a discussion on how that will be managed. It's not going to happen as you discuss it but at least each of you will have a chance to discuss the theory before hand.

As you only work part time what is the longterm implication of this once the children are grown and gone how financially stable would you both be?

The school needes to be informed sooner rather than later. The children maybe more aware of what is going on than either of you realise. Again ask the school to send official correspondence to both of you or get individual access. And I suggest that you won't agree on all your children's rules. So having one rule for his house and another for yours needs to be a common agreed principle. But deliberate manipulation of the different rules by the childern can still lead to bad outcomes In your house.

1874 wrote: »

Scenarios like what? mediators dont have some ability any other person doesnt. Dont know whats with the assumption that a father will just simply move out, I cant imagine that suiting the person moving out at all. Practical for who? not them Id say.

What happens if the OP had a stroke tomorrow will she want her partner making decisions on her behalf?
A mediator will be a neutral party who hopefully has experience in the area and can explain the pitfalls that the OP and her partner have not even considered yet. They have 4 children and as they are trying to move on with their lives things that can not be dismissed or missed need to be discussed.
Eg if they own the house and OP stays in the house and a new parther arrives what are the implications for her share of the common assets and should the new partner pay rent to the ex for use of their share of the common assets? Remember after 5 years the new parther has legal rights to claim against the OP's assets. If the stroke happens year 7 and the OP is in a care facility can her ex kick the new parther out to move in and care for his children

LegacyUser

Mediation can surely only be a good thing. Somebody (or both) will have to move at some point. There's no rush to make any decision, but after Christmas due to personal circumstances if someone were to move it would be him.

Neither of us have ever been through this process before, so a mediator who has been through this possibly 100s of times is likely to have thought of something that we mightn't. Nobody is going to try shaft anybody, I hope. But one or both of us are going to have to leave the family home at some point. It's the harsh reality of splitting up.

In a few years I will be in a position to go back to work full-time. At the moment it makes no financial sense to work full time (low wage) and pay childcare. I/We would have less take home pay than we do now. After being a SAHM for a number of years my earning potential has dramatically decreased, so I plan to upskill and return to better paid full time work over the coming few years.

Thanks for all the advice so far. I suppose an impartial mediator is the sensible option at first. At least we'll get an idea of what we're looking at down the line.

LegacyUser

Thank you Glass Fused Light.

Plenty food for thought there.

Another day

Glass fused light. Great reply, factual and useful to anyone that checks this thread.

Glass fused light

Another day wrote: »

Glass fused light. Great reply, factual and useful to anyone that checks this thread.

Thanks but it's only scraping the surface of whats ahead for the OP. There are some very informative threads in this section that are well worth reading.
And in many ways the financial bits will be so much easier than trying to remain friendly enough to parent their 4 children but distant enough to let each other move on. A test for this is agreeing if the locks can be changed as a symbol that it's not "their" house any more. (yes there is a lot of implications in doing that)

On the child care v not working can I suggest that this is priced up so that it's economic value is not dismissed or undervalued as a benefit to the Ex who is working as well as the OP? I can understand that if the 4 children are young it would be way too expensive to have both of you work full time. But it needs to be tracked just for your own futures and social welfare entitlements when you are both old. And a work history and credit history if you both need to buy accommodation once the children leave Uni.

Another one for the list is the family doctor, if the OP has given permission for her Ex to pick up prescriptions, make bookings etc on her behalf these needs to be rescinded.