Marriage issue

LegacyUser

Hi, looking for a bit of advice.We have been married 30 years, 3 kids and 3 grandkids. My husband had an accident at work a few years ago and hasnt worked since. He could work now but is not looking for anything.
A few years ago, we had a very traumatic event in the family. I coped with it by drinking,( I know now it was the wrong thing to do) but I still drink every evening.
Lately, things have got so bad. Things have changed at work, and what was a job I loved, now I hate going in every day.I get so angry with my husband, because he sits at home and does nothing.I would be lucky to get a couple of words out of him every day.
I feel so **** at the minute, I am wondering is there any point in anything anymore. Is splitting up with him the right thing to do now or what do I do?

leggo

I could be missing something but there seems to be a massive leap to breaking up with your husband as a solution to the issues you're having, which seem to centre around yourself. You haven't coped well with a traumatic event and are drinking a lot. You are starting to hate your job. Neither are necessarily your fault, but that doesn't mean they're your husbands either.

It feels like you're projecting your own struggles onto him and picking the fact that he doesn't work out of the blue as an excuse to blame him for the issues you're having.

I'm not saying don't split up with him...who knows, maybe you're just not happy with your entire situation at the moment and pushing reset could be the best thing to ever happened to you. But if you're going to break-up a marriage, make sure it's for the right reasons and after you've exhausted every option. Your first step is to talk honestly about how you're feeling. If he won't work with you there, let him know the stakes and that you've been questioning everything so he understands how serious it is. Go from there, with couples counselling being an option if needed.

And also counselling to deal with your own trauma would be advisable. Alcohol is only good for numbing, not healing. It's like putting a heat pack on a broken spine: the instant pain may be gone but the damage is still there. And if you're deflecting with drink, all you're doing is surrendering control of the situation, as your emotions will come out one way or another and your only option is to control it or not. You're experiencing some of the unpredictable side affects of not being in control now. So it's time to deal with that trauma head on. It won't disappear or go away until it's dealt with. It may seem awful to deal with, but talking to someone in a controlled, empathic environment is much more preferable to living in misery 24/7 for the sake of avoiding those conversations. This is the road to happiness, it's just this diversion is one you can't avoid.

utyh2ikcq9z76b

Your an alcoholic, maybe deal with that first

strandroad

leggo wrote: »

I could be missing something but there seems to be a massive leap to breaking up with your husband as a solution to the issues you're having, which seem to centre around yourself. You haven't coped well with a traumatic event and are drinking a lot. You are starting to hate your job. Neither are necessarily your fault, but that doesn't mean they're your husbands either.

I think you're being very harsh on the OP. If your other half basically refuses to work, you can easily become trapped in work situations you can't defuse for fear of impacting or losing your only income.

Looks like OP's husband is not willing to support their household financially, and he is not supporting her emotionally through whatever trauma she experienced either if he barely speaks to her. She is left to carry both on her own.

OP what is his contribution to your household then? What would you like to happen ideally?

OP traumatic stuff - and I mean real stuff like family members dying unexpectedly - happens in everyone's lives at some point. This doesn't mean you deal with it by drinking.

I think you need to tackle your alcoholism first. Then you will think more clearly. Most likely it will mean you are even more resolved to split from your husband, or maybe not... Maybe he is depressed at having no job and an alcoholic wife, and could be turned around.

Some people are just not good at giving emotional support.. It's not that they don't care, it's just that they don't know how. I am like this. I got zero emotional support growing up. Had to deal with everything myself. I find emotional support from others pretty useless to me. Maybe your husband is similar... I have no idea.

Most men hate being unemployed.

Anyway point is you need to get your own head sorted first before making rash decisions. Then you will at least be able to think more clearly.

milli milli

OP both of you are going through your own struggles and are finding it hard to cope. You’ve had the family trauma, the drinking and now the job.
Your husband had the job accident, the subsequent unemployment and what sounds to me like depression from not having a job / purpose in his life. I’m also assuming the family trauma affected him too?
Both of you cannot offer the other support when you are each going through your own problems.

I would echo what the other poster said about seeking counseling.
I don’t think splitting from your husband is the solution. I think you both just need support and to be heard and some coping mechanisms to help with life’s problems.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the advice guys. I know I need to deal with the drinking. I made a doctors appt yesterday, but then left the surgery before I went in.Am meeting someone from AA this eve for a talk, but to be honest I dont know if I am strong enough to do it.
I am ashamed of myself. Cant talk to anyone at the min.

HelgaWard

Ruby12345 wrote: »

Thanks for the advice guys. I know I need to deal with the drinking. I made a doctors appt yesterday, but then left the surgery before I went in.Am meeting someone from AA this eve for a talk, but to be honest I dont know if I am strong enough to do it.
I am ashamed of myself. Cant talk to anyone at the min.

The thing is, that if you don't change anything, nothing will change. By dealing with your drink problem, you will take back some control, and things will improve. If you don't deal with the drink problem, things are only going to get worse.

Alcohol is a depressant, all it is doing is making the whole situation worse. Most of us here will have worked with a colleague who we know/suspect has a drink problem. You might not realise it, but, it effects everyone in the workplace who has to deal with them. Could this be a factor in how un-enjoyable work has become?

If you deal with the drink issue, you will be better able to deal with everything else. Do you know how you behave when you are drinking? Can you remember, or do you have black outs? Perhaps your husband is wary of communicating with you in case you have been drinking. I have a friend who gets so angry and abusive when drunk, it's hard not to take that personally, and then the next day she's back to normal, I don't think she remembers what she says to people.

It also sounds like you could both do with counselling to deal with what has happened over the last few years. It can't have been easy for your husband to have to give up work. A lot of people's self worth is tied up in their ability to work and provide for their families. He could be depressed.

Best of luck, you need to decide firmly that it is time for change, time to take control, and do what needs to be done. The happiness of the rest of your life and your families life is at stake here.

Princess Calla

Ruby12345 wrote: »

Thanks for the advice guys. I know I need to deal with the drinking. I made a doctors appt yesterday, but then left the surgery before I went in.Am meeting someone from AA this eve for a talk, but to be honest I dont know if I am strong enough to do it.
I am ashamed of myself. Cant talk to anyone at the min.

Please don't be ashamed. You've recognised a problem you have with yourself so that's a huge, massive step for any alcoholic.

Talk to the AA, I doubt you will tell them anything they haven't heard before.

Get yourself sorted and start making happy memories with your grandchildren.

There's usually evening courses run in local secondary schools, look into it and see if something takes an interest. Anything to try and break the work, home, drink cycle.

As for your husband he sounds like he's suffering from depression too but dealing with it differently.

Be kind to yourself.

Please dump the alcohol that's in the house, it's not your friend.

Ruby12345

Ruby12345 wrote: »

Thanks for the advice guys. I know I need to deal with the drinking. I made a doctors appt yesterday, but then left the surgery before I went in.Am meeting someone from AA this eve for a talk, but to be honest I dont know if I am strong enough to do it.
I am ashamed of myself. Cant talk to anyone at the min.

Don't be ashamed. I know one guy who is at the top of his career and everyone loves him, but few know he was a raging alcoholic who had to check into rehab two years ago. You would be surprised if you knew who had drink problems.

The first step is realising you have a problem. Well done.

strandroad

strandroad wrote: »

I think you're being very harsh on the OP. If your other half basically refuses to work, you can easily become trapped in work situations you can't defuse for fear of impacting or losing your only income.

After a certain age, men in particular, face engrained age-ism in getting new employment. Once a person of that ages goes over a year unemployed, the chances of them getting a new job become very slim, unfortunately. This often leads the men into a spiral of depression and obsolescence (as we tend to associate ourselves strongly with our work).

OP, yourself and your husband sound like ye need to communicate with each other again, don't be hard on yourself, life is tough and being kind to yourself and to those you love (and who love you) is essential. Have you considered counselling?