I ruined my life

Seeseeeye

I don't really know where to start so I'll start from the beginning...
I'm an only child and grew up with my single mother and her parents, I didn't like the situation we were in so much, probably because as a kid you don't want to be different so I began to lie and lie and lie so much that it's natural now.
I was bullied as a kid both mentally and physically really hard up until the day I left school, as a very young kid I remember once pretending to play with other kids so that I wouldn't be just on my own, I eventually made a friend but I lied about my family and he found out and that was that. I was very angry too I would often break the walls and doors at home so much that they had to be replaced, I was just a bad kid really with problems that never got fixed as I have such a barrier around me and don't let anyone in ever. I had/have adhd, concentration problems so never did well in school.
Moving on a few years I had met a group of people through work but I was lying about all sorts from having a brother and sister to where I lived, about having a girlfriend, I lied for years about having a daughter and that she died after birth...like wtf!?! I would often pretend to be on cocaine in work too just being mad hyper and really annoying and also that I had a drinking problem for a while too, I'm not sure why but something along the lines of I wanted people to feel sorry for me
So I eventually did have a girlfriend who I moved in with and at around the same time I stopped talking to my family and we haven't spoken or seen each other since, around 3 years now. I was lying to her about cheating on her once and completely lied about my life from where I lived to my family being successful/money/jobs and my entire childhood and adulthood up until that point. Then the anger came back, I hit her twice and she left and my friends found out and that was that.
Now a few years later, in the past year I've probably had 14 jobs in my sector, some I just never showed up to again due to having 0 motivation others I got sacked for things like turning the main power off on the switchboard or binning something important or stealing.
I haven't had a job in 6 weeks now and in that time I've locked myself away from the world and everything outside of my room where I live, I've layed in bed fully clothed on my phone the whole time on YouTube or I was on dating sites pretending to be guys or girls and chatting with different people for weeks, which I have definitely stopped as I got a caution off the police. In the 6 weeks I showered once I think and I only leave my room to buy food or cigarettes and as I look around there's such a mess here of empty packets of all sorts.
I've been to the doctor recently for my depression and anxiety and been given sertraline 100mg which I'm on for around 6/7 weeks now and hasn't done anything yet. I'm waiting to see a psychiatrist to figure out what's wrong inside my head and get the actual help I need but it's getting harder and harder. I have no friends or family and don't know what to do next and slowly going down further and completely lost and confused.

B-D-P--

You went down a wrong path, but not an indefinate path.
Your life is not in a good place right now, but your life is not ruined.
You can still turn things around, A good psychiatrist can help you.

Maybe try write a letter to your family, telling them you know you did wrong, and your trying to change.
I'm sure they will try to help you.

I wish you all the best in your recovery!

Roadtoad

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Remember me?

There's very little that a 'kid' could do that would cause a parent/grandparent to not welcome him back, even if they do so carefully.
When was the last time you walked 5 miles? In hills, along beaches, wherever.
ps bring flowers!

Garibaldi?

You are alive. You expressed your plight realistically. Talk to someone. In your family or elsewhere. Do not despair. Life is complicated for everyone. It's a bit of a mystery. Love yourself. As the song goes "you are a child of the universe. You've got a right to be here" You may be in a rotten place right now. It doesn't have to stay that way.

chooey

P