First Baby and unsupportive husband

Moonriver99

This is quite a long story so please bare with me as i desperately need help!

I have been with my partner for.approx ten year and married for two. Back in 2010, my then boyfriend lost his job so we moved to London because of job opportunities were brilliant within his field. I really hated it there and left for a few years and we had a long distance relationship. In that time, my dad had died too so there was a lot of upheaval. My partner chose to declare bankruptcy in England as it was a shorter time to be able to buy a house again in the future. I spoke about for my dislike for London and he said once he was out of bankruptcy we would move home.

Fastforward 2017, we marry and i had to give in and move to London, i thought we would only be here a year or two more as he would soon be out of bankruptcy. I fall pregnant pretty fast. I start to notice changes in him. He always had that selfish tendency but a few instances where he didnt care for me when i was sick set alarm bells ringing. Late 2018, our baby arrives. The first few months were so isolating. My partner was so unsupportive and unhelpful. He went to a match every weekend for the first six weeks when my baby was born. He was at times careless with the baby, falling asleep holding her and literally wouldnt help a bit.

Things turned worse when at Christmas i discussed moving home. It was a flat out No and London was his home. I was so upset as i never ever wanted a baby to grow up there. I let it go for a while but then my mat leave finished. I suggested a joint bank account and he literally refused and said he would give me an allowamce instead. I was so upset he didnt trust me. He always watched what i spent and would moan about electricity and buying stuff for baby. During this time he would go out frequently, stay out sometimes late and not let me know when he would be back. Whenever i rang him i could never get through. I worried as well if some emergency happened id never be able to contact him.

Fast forward to summer. We had yet another argument when he failed to turn up. This time he got so angry he grabbed me while holding my baby. I was so scared. He let go and proceded to thrash the appartment not before throwing a balloon weight passed our heads. I was so shocked i sat up all night stunned. I thought he would apologize the next day but he said i "i was lucky he didnt kill me". He had previously thrown his laptop cos i had changed my mind about going on holiday.

Now i know you are thinking i should have left but i believed maybe id caused it or he was under stress due to family issues. So i stayed. But i never trusted him after that. A few weeks later, It was getting increasingly hot.i was at home and I fell ill and my partner had gone out drinking with a friend. I whats appd him to come home quicly as i felt ill. He replied and said he would be home in a half hour. He never came home and feeling like awful i phoned an ambulance. The baby ws crying, i was petrified if i passed out she would be rolling around the appt. Eventually he came home and when i told him how upset i was he said i was overreacting and that the house was a mess. I decided then to leave and call my sister who told me to come home. Which i did and this is where i am now.

He didnt try to apologize until he realised a week later i wanted time apart. I
There was a lot of blaming etc. I eventually ended up in hospital in Ireland and needed treatment so i was right id called someone that night. When i was sick he didnt fly to visit me citing that he was needed in work. It was nearly the last straw. My family took care of the baby when i stayed in hospital and the following weeks he didn't bother to come and see me while i was recovering.

I refused to go back unless we got counselling. He then said he wanted a divorce and that life would be tough financially without him. He then said if i tried to come after his savings he would lie and say it wasn't there. He even had some of my savings in there but said it was all gone on necessities(something id no clue about).
Hes now changed his mind and wants me to come back.

Hes always sort of been emotionally unavailable amd i blame myself because i went with my heart. We had good times but now he doesnt care how he hurt me. Hes now saying im terrible for taking my daughter awsy and making me feel guilty. I live home i could get a brilliant well paud job whilst he looks for work(hes lots of experience now) but he will not move. He refuses any conversation, shouts me down never apologizes and says my family made me come home. That they are all posion. I feel so manipulated because i loved him. Im not perfect but this situation is crazy for me.

Is this situation beyond repair.

elainee40

I'm so sorry.... But unfortunately what your going through is emotional abuse....plus the physical side you mentioned.

I've been in that position and it never gets easier....5 years separated this week and he still tries to control my and kids.

If u go back your mind will always be racing with the what ifs.

Ursus Horribilis

My question is, why would you even want to repair this marriage? (As an aside, why do you keep referring to him as your partner rather than husband? Is it because you can't face using the word "husband" for some reason?). It sounds like a terrible relationship, with elements of emotional and physical abuse in it. It's not for nothing that your sister told you to come home. I bet your family see a lot more of what's going on than you do. It doesn't matter how imperfect you are. There is no excuse for your husband's behaviour. None.

Have you ever taken a look at the Women's Aid website? These are the warning signs they've posted there for an abusive relationship
We have listed some warning signs below to help you make sense of your situation. Any one of the following signs is serious. You do not need to experience several, or all of them for your relationship to be abusive.

• You are afraid of your partner.
• You are constantly 'walking on eggshells' because of his mood swings.
• You spend your time working out what kind of mood he is in and the focus is always on his needs.
• He loses his temper easily and over minor things.
• He has hit you or almost hit you and/or your children.
• Your partner has been abusive in a previous relationship.
• He criticises your family and friends and/or makes it difficult for you to see them or talk to them on your own.
• He calls you names and threatens you and/or your children.
• He is jealous and accuses you of flirting and having affairs.
• He regularly criticises or undermines you in front of other people - including about the way you look, dress, and/or your abilities as a mother.
• Your needs are not considered important or are ignored, and he makes the decisions in the relationship.
• You find it hard to get time on your own. When you do spend time away from him, he demands to know where you were and who you were with.
• He controls your access to basic essentials such as the car, the family finances, food, the telephone and internet.
• He has forced you to do something that you really did not want to do.
• He has forced you to have sex with him or with other people. He has made you participate in sexual activities that you were uncomfortable with.
• He has threatened to have you deported because of your immigration status.
• He tries to control aspects of your life such as whether you work, and where; who you see and when; what you can spend; what you can wear; what you watch or listen to on the radio or television.
• He demands to know the passwords to you email account and social networking pages.
• He has threatened to kill you, or to kill himself, if you leave him.

I think you should make contact with Women's Aid and talk to somebody on the phone there. Or alternatively, arrange for some counselling for yourself. I don't think you've even begun to see what you're in the middle of.

Turbohymac

Yes your situation is clearly beyond repair..you should have left much earlier..don't dream of returning and get your own life back on track and look after your child with the help of your family....if he eventually decides that he wants to see his child please ensure he travels over here and don't return back to UK ever..
Take care

lulu1

Dont even think of going back to this bully he clearly has no respect you or tour daughter

mistress_gi

I would ask myself this:
"If my daughter, when grown up, is in a relationship like this, would I be happy for her? "

ElizaBennett

Any one of the awful things you've told us about how this man has treated you on its own would be enough for me to say leave him - let along the huge litany of things you've listed. From not allowing a joint bank account, to no discussion on where you live, to threatening to hurt you and the baby, to not caring about you being ill to taking no responsibility for his own new born baby! I was so glad to read you are in a different country to him now and safely away from him. What could you possibly see as a reason to go back? Really? Your child is far better off without him in her life. He is an obnoxious waste of space. Please stay with your family and build a life here where you can be happy and feel safe.

ncmc

OP, your husband isn't unsupportive, he's a vile, abusive bully. He is abusing you both physically, financially and emotionally. Oh and I hate to heap on the misery, but it sounds like he could be having an affair.

Thank god you were able to get yourself and your baby home. I'm so glad you are in the safe embrace of your family. They will give you the strength and help with the practicalities of leaving this hateful man for good. Get in touch with a solicitor, your husband can't just cut you off from joint savings. From now on restrict contact to only being about your daughter. I would bet my last fiver that he will panic, and start love bombing you and talk about how things will be different etc. Then once he has you back where he wants you (emotionally and physically) the cycle will start again.

Your marriage is over. There is nothing to save, you sound like a nice person with a lovely baby, why would you want this for yourself? If you ever feel yourself starting to weaken, read back on your OP and read the replies. Best of luck OP

P.s. I also second the advice to contact Women's Aid, you have been a victim of abuse, just because you don't have black eyes or bruises, doesn't make him any less of an abuser.

washiskin

This guy's ego is out of control and you need to make the break now.

He seems to want to lead a single life and any threat to that is met with intimidation and physical abuse. As for his insinuation that you will be left financially ruined, I'd engage UK legal advice on this straight away, who knows what legal recourse you may or may not have after October 31st.

For your own safety and sanity, and that of your child get away from this brute, because that's all he is.

Springfields

Do not go back
He has zero respect for you and your marriage so why put yourself at risk again both physically and emotionally?
You are putting your daughter at risk if you return
You have taken the hardest first step by leaving. Be brave.
Your family are willing to help you and your daughter - you can survive it
Good luck

Fakediamond

Hi OP, sorry to hear about your situation. Your husband is a controlling, abusive bully and has not shown any love or empathy to you or your baby.

I want to strike a note of caution about returning to the U.K. If you formalise your separation, you could end up stuck in the U.K. if he goes to court for shared custody. The court might not allow you to return to Ireland, when the child’s domicile is established in the U.K. On the other hand, if you stay in Ireland for six months, the child’s domicile would be deemed to be here and you wouldn’t be forced to return by the U.K. courts. I wouldn’t mention any of this to him, because he could use it as a means of continuing to control you. Sit tight in Ireland for now and let him make the next move. If he wants to see you or his baby, let him come here to do so, don’t bring the baby to him.

I have researched relocation extensively for a family member and it’s not straightforward at all if one party goes to court for shared custody.

I would suggest you get legal advice in Ireland regarding your situation.

Moonriver99

Moonriver99 wrote: »

I live home i could get a brilliant well paud job whilst he looks for work(hes lots of experience now) but he will not move.

Good. It will take some time but eventually you will see how lucky you are to have gotten away from him.

You have what a lot of women in similar situations don't have ... the support of your family and the ability to work. It's time to start re-building your life for you and your daughter.

Neither of you need this excuse for a man in your lives so don't even think about moving back to London and starting all this up again.

I would not normally give such unequivocal advice but I can't stress enough how lucky you and your daughter are to be far away from him, relatively unscathed and with all the tools you need to start a new life.

If he's in bankruptcy how does he have savings? If he's got a great career in London how is he bankrupt?

This alone is a pile of horse manure. He's a deadbeat loser who has no money or career. Probably sells drugs to fund his lifestyle. Stay in Ireland.

Get out and stay out. Keep yourself safe in Ireland along with your little baby.
I have been in a similar situation , a very emotionally abusive 3 year relationship but thankfully no children involved.
Believe me when I say if you go back it will get worse, you will be blamed for everything INCLUDING leaving him...…. that will become just one more thing to beat you with. It will get even more dangerous.

You think you love him but you don't. You're emotionally dependant on him. That's a different thing. You need help to break that emotional bond which is very common in emotionally abused women. Eventually you will look back and thank God you got out in time with your life, your health and your sanity , along with your precious baby. But you will also realise just how close you could have been to losing all of these things.

Mr. Incognito

Go to see a family law solicitor asap and get a maintance order served on him.

Do not communicate with him. Everything through the solicitor.

Change your phone number. Block him on social media.

If he wants visitation- through the courts.

ILoveYourVibes

Your partner doesn't respect you.

He actually doesn't seem to have respect for anyone and its as if he is blaming everyone else for his issues.

He is acting like a scrooge figure hiding his gold and you have just given him a child into the world.

He's weak.

Take some time and decide what you want to do.

Personally though i would make a new life for yourself without him.