How to shrug off a friend who cut me off?

LegacyUser

Im a man late 30s, I know this guy from work about 5 years now, we got on very well from the off, hes into cars like me, he has a dry sense of humour and was great to work with. He hardly ever socialised outside work but the odd time he did he was uncomfortable, I sense some anxiety there but never pushed it. Earlier this year, he just stopped talking to me right out of the blue. Simply ignored me- no hellos, no chat, absolutely nothing outside of professional emails. He was fine with everyone else. I presumed he was going through something so left him be but it became obvious he was only ignoring me.

I asked him after 2 weeks had I annoyed him but he just shrugged and said "not really", I was v confused and got a bit angry saying why couldn't you just approach me if I had annoyed him. He again shrugged and walked off, hes 35 so I presumed he would be able to approach me after 5 years. It left me quite confused and unsure of myself for weeks afterwards. And it never got better- I would say hi, try and include him in chats etc. Nothing. A bare hello, cold as ice. The wife said he clearly has issues with conflict and its his problem and to move on. So I have. Im professional of course and there are other people I work with that I have good time for and I haven't changed as far as I can tell but is there any way that I could improve my people skills or just to move on? He is professional in emails etc and we don't work that close together just in the one building but it still has left me a bit shaken as I never had that experience with a friend.


Maybe this has nothing to do with me at all or maybe he just had enough of me. Im struggling not to be bitter thinking of this so called friendship. Has anyone else ever had anyone just totally cut them off?

miezekatze

My husband could have written this same post a couple of years ago (except he's not into cars). I think he's still a bit upset about it as he still doesn't know what the problem is/was. We think that the other guy must have misunderstood something as it just doesn't make any sense and came really out of the blue. It's weird, but if the other guy won't talk about it and continues to ignore you then there isn't much you can do and you won't really get any closure on this. I would just try and think of it as a friendship that's run its course.

Bobtheman

A lot of people are afraid of conflict. They will run from it. You might have upset him or he is just not bothered with you.
You have tried . You have two choices- accept the reality and move on. He doesn't seem worth it.
The other option is to let him have free space in your head. Keep running after him etc. Not accept the reality.
There must be other people to talk to.?It's happened to me in the past. I was at fault though.I started talking to other people. Turns out they were more interesting. Look forward - not back

riemann

Bobtheman wrote: »

A lot of people are afraid of conflict.

Yes and some people are just *****.

Maybe he likes seeing you attempt to be friendly and his ignoring is a power play to make you squirm.

Either way you have done your part so at this point I'd either ignore him too, or up the anti by being over polite so he's not sure if you're taking the piss or not.

Anyway, don't doubt yourself.

SirChenjin

I think you have done all that you can.
Fair play, you asked him out straight. It's on him if he can't be an adult and tell you what it is that he perceives you to have said or done that caused this behaviour.

I would leave him to it. Don't give him any more headspace. He doesnt deserve it. Remain polite and professional as you have been doing.

LegacyUser

Thanks for replies so far. I know I should probably just put it down to his issues but it just annoyed me as im the kind of person who likes to know if im offending someone. That's why I left it a few weeks to see was it just me and when its obvious it was me I wanted to make up or at least have the chance to say I was sorry for whatever I did. But he gave me nothing back so I have to move on I guess. Its easier said than done though.
I know people can have a range of things going on in their head but you can start to question if you have this annoying trait that people are just too polite to share with you. Has anyone ever come across someone like that?

antix80

I was in the same boat with an old friend of mine who did similar to me. Really wracks your confidence. It didn't make sense and I figured I'd give him some space, eventually texting him and being relieved when he said nothing was wrong, then being upset again when I realised I was still being cut-off without a reason.

It honestly was the 7 stages of grief. I've ended relationships with less pain and I guess it's because when a relationship is over you usually get a bit of closure in the form of an actual breakup!

the14thwarrior

It happened to me too, and like yourself, I wanted to know why. Why? Did i say something, do something, did someone else say something to them, did he misunderstand something?
I did exactly what you did, and tried to put it out of my mind. Approached her etc. only once.

What I did was repeat the mantra, post it note etc "what people think of you is their business, not yours".

and then one day I bumped into them, well, they were behind me in a queue. After i purchased what i needed, and as I was leaving, I said quietly to her that I was very disappointed in her, as I thought she was a friend, and I had great respect for them, and since she choose to ignore me I then said "so you go can duck yourself".

It helped me.

santana75

onwardsandupwards wrote: »

Thanks for replies so far. I know I should probably just put it down to his issues but it just annoyed me as im the kind of person who likes to know if im offending someone. That's why I left it a few weeks to see was it just me and when its obvious it was me I wanted to make up or at least have the chance to say I was sorry for whatever I did. But he gave me nothing back so I have to move on I guess. Its easier said than done though.
I know people can have a range of things going on in their head but you can start to question if you have this annoying trait that people are just too polite to share with you. Has anyone ever come across someone like that?

I think this is the crux of the matter Op. I know its easy to say things like, let it go, but really it actually is better for you to leave this one alone. I've found from experience that eventually the truth will come out........without you needing to extract it from anyone. You can completely let this go and I guarantee you a couple of things will happen. First by giving up control you'll go through a period of discomfort. This is why people seek to control situations or to get resolutions, because not being in control and not knowing means you have no power. And thats scary to realise. The most controlling people I know are really terrified underneath all the bluster. Second, you'll feel peace once you have really let go. And eventually, when you have really let go, the truth will come out. It might takes months, or even years, but at some point you'll learn why this happened, and I can promise you when it does, you'll learn that this had absolutely nothing to do with you. So face the discomfort of not knowing, let go, only when you do will the truth come out.

poisonated

It happened to me. I was friends with a group of people for a good few years. We had a group whatsapp group. People then decided to blank me. I kept wondering if I did something wrong. Did I annoy them somehow? Eventually I asked one of them who I had been friends with for a long time and he just said that people thought I was too serious. I didn’t like them calling large women “fat” and then betting each other money that they wouldn’t kiss the “fat” girl.(I.e “I’ll give you 20 quid if you score that”fat” girl) At this time, I had just come out of psychiatric care so probably wasn’t myself. I told them that I didn’t tinker it was funny. Most of them now take illegal drugs on a regular basis.

Anyway. In a nutshell, I don't have much advice but to say that some people are just awful human beings. Sometimes the problem isn’t you it’s him/her/them.