New guy anxiety

LegacyUser

Hello all. 35 year old girl here. So after 5 years being single from a failed marriage with no kids, I met someone online about 6 weeks ago and we've been meeting up a couple of times a week.
We got on like a house on fire from the start, even when we were just chatting online, laughing so much and having so much fun. We also have many things in common. He's 3 years older than me and has been single for a year apparently.
We started having sex 2 weeks ago and it's really good and very natural. So since we slept with each other the first weekend I seem to be getting anxious about everything. I'm worried he doesn't like me the way I like him. He went out the night after the first time we slept with each other the previous night and next day (many times) and for the first time since we started speaking I heard nothing for the night and not until I texted the next morning. This made me uneasy and now it's becoming a real problem.
I know I am 100% at fault here, and I really thought I was happy in myself after coming out of a difficult marriage those years ago. It took me ages to rebuild but I got involved with lots of things I've done a lot of stuff, been all over the world, taken up hobbies, climbed mountains, had a few flings, done all the things you're supposed to be but here I am worrying about f**king text messages.
Like today we've spoken a bit but I'm just waiting for his next messages and I've convinced myself something is off.
I really don't want to be like this. And I really don't want to mess up this chance with this guy. I haven't liked anyone like this in the best part of a decade, and I've gone out with lots of guys in the past few years dating and short relationships etc, so many that I had completely given up and was coming to terms with that when this guy showed up.
Has anyone been through this before? Did you ever snap yourself out of it and stop being bloody needy and anxious? What do I need to do, or am I just not capable of going out with someone I really fancy without being an anxious mess?
I suppose it probably boils down to me perhaps putting this person on a pedestal, and thinking I'm not good enough, and I know it'll probably become a self fulfilling prophecy of not working out.
I went out with a guy for a few months last year that I loved hanging out with, sex was ok, but the best thing about it was that it was totally worry free, I could kind of take it or leave it. But it didn't have that spark for me like this one. And now I'm freaking out.
Ugh... any advice would be great, because already my hopes are not high.

zapper55

Ok the good news is that he won't have realised this, yet. You really need to chill. Do you have hobbies to distract you or binge on a new TV series. Or exercise more.

You had sex, that's great. But it doesn't mean you guys are exclusive (unless youve discussed it?). You only know this guy 6 weeks. You need to take a deep breath. I really hope it works out but if it doesnt you will be ok.

Take a step back mentally. Ok you havent met someone like him but there is nothing worse than someone getting clingy and thinking about an amazing future just because you had great sex.

I get the impression you are texting more since you had sex. Honestly I'd stop being the first to text until you feel more secure in the relationship. Otherwise you will drive yourself mad.

LegacyUser

zapper55 wrote: »

Ok the good news is that he won't have realised this, yet. You really need to chill. Do you have hobbies to distract you or binge on a new TV series. Or exercise more.

You had sex, that's great. But it doesn't mean you guys are exclusive (unless youve discussed it?). You only know this guy 6 weeks. You need to take a deep breath. I really hope it works out but if it doesnt you will be ok.

Take a step back mentally. Ok you havent met someone like him but there is nothing worse than someone getting clingy and thinking about an amazing future just because you had great sex.

I get the impression you are texting more since you had sex. Honestly I'd stop being the first to text until you feel more secure in the relationship. Otherwise you will drive yourself mad.

Yeah I exercise a lot anyway. I'm not thinking about amazing futures and I'm not texting more, it's usually 50/50. Everything is going great, that's the thing. It's like I'm trying to think up obstacles and destroy the situation for myself. I mean maybe this is just a short episode I don't know. This evening he asked me to go to a concert in 2 weeks for e.g. Great. Why would he do that if he wasn't interested. But my ridiculous brain will go through anxious phases anyway.
I know it's nowhere near a real relationship yet and we've not spoken about being exclusive. I just want to be able to live as I had been care free and chill but able to see this guy when we meet for dates. Without the bloody anxiety!

Could it be anything to do with your marriage breakup?Are you worried that whatever difficulties you had with your ex might happen again with this guy ?Its a tough one,maybe admit to yourself how you feel but make a determined effort to hide it from him until hopefully you actually get over those feelings and feel more secure.

ILoveYourVibes

I think you started having sex a little too early for your comfort.

I know people will say well she can't go back in time.

But it might be useful to know why you might feel like this.

Sex does change things.

Six weeks is early to be calling someone your boyfriend or partner etc. But generally a lot of people feel the need to develop the intimacy of a partnership before sex.

So what to do now?

Well don't let your emotions control you. No1 if it doesn't work out ..who cares more fish in the sea. No2 He seems to like you.

No3 If you guys are not officially exclusive you should be meeting new people too. I mean don't rub it in his face. That is just going to come off manipulative. You have to be gentle with his feelings. I think it would help you focus less on him emotionally though. It would be good for you.

bitofabind

Was your marriage breakdown traumatic? Is something about this situation triggering you? Maybe the intensity of your feelings for him or the intimacy dialling it up a few notches?

If there’s an underlying fear of intimacy / rejection there stemming from your past it’s not surprising it’s surfacing now that those sex chemicals are floating around. Sex is inherently bonding for many people.

Have you struggled with attachment issues with previous guys that you’ve liked? And looking at this objectively, is there actually a change in the cadence of his communication with you? I’ve been in this situation a few times in the past where a small tweak in behaviour set off a massive anxiety spiral, that I’d contain pretty well by internalising but it turned out to be the case that he was backing away and my gut was picking up on it before anyone else would call the behaviour a “red flag.”

Anyway, the trick is to care less. Impossible I know, but you need to stop with the pedestals. He’s just one guy who you barely know yet and he may turn out to be incompatible for a whole host of reasons, big deal. Life will move on and you’ll inevitably meet someone else, stop thinking about this guy as the end all and be all. Remember, attraction is not a predictor of a good life partner. It’s just attraction. You can be attracted to so many people in life. He’s could be an utter flake or have emotional issues or be really tight or cheap or a liar or anything unsavoury that could turn you off in a heartbeat! If talking to other men might help you with focusing less on this one, then do that. Hang out with your friends more, ramp up your social life do you’ve stuff going on beyond him. Try to put him in a box in your mind of “nice guy but let’s see” and get busy living a full, busy life so if things go t1ts up you’ll be disappointed but not a total mess.

ILoveYourVibes

bitofabind wrote: »

If there’s an underlying fear of intimacy / rejection there stemming from your past it’s not surprising it’s surfacing now that those sex chemicals are floating around. Sex is inherently bonding for many people.

esp since it was 5 yrs single for her

LolaJJ

Hey OP

Congrats on the new guy!

I was single a few years, a few mind-benders in there to knock my confidence along the way. Met a guy I really liked online and although everything was going great, I was second guessing everything along the way.....I kind of destroyed the excitement i should have been feeling but it's a fear of gettng hurt, managing your own expectations, preventing yourself from investing too much etc. etc.

We're happily together nearly 3 years now, living together 18 months and i'm delighted with life.

My only advice is to rationalise this in your own head as your own bad experiences and don't bring it in to the relationship, I don't know how I manged to do that, but I guess, I knew he was worth it!! Eventually the fears eventually got less and less and as I got to know him and we got closer they evapourated altogether!

Best of luck x

Calypso Realm

notthisagain00 wrote: »

Has anyone been through this before? Did you ever snap yourself out of it and stop being bloody needy and anxious? What do I need to do, or am I just not capable of going out with someone I really fancy without being an anxious mess?
I suppose it probably boils down to me perhaps putting this person on a pedestal, and thinking I'm not good enough, and I know it'll probably become a self fulfilling prophecy of not working out.

Ah! This is the part of your post that jumped out at me because as you so rightly stated this is what will happen IF you this is allowed to continue. However, the good news is that it's not too late to change things and get things back on the right course. Firstly, I would keep as busy as possible and distracted so you're not anxiously awaiting that text! Focusing on other stuff is a great anxiety reliever!

In addition, change you thought processes now ie this won't work out etc etc before it impacts your behaviour, which he WILL pick up on! I am not saying your direct thoughts are going to necessarily create a situation but there is something to be said for negative expectations in that negative thoughts have a habit of becoming feelings, which will affect your behaviour which in turn will impact on your interactions with him and your relationship. Instead of letting your 'feelings' take hold, just focus on being happy with him and enjoying your time with him! He's obviously interested and attracted to you if he's still planning dates!

One last thing, it does sound as if he'd have gotten back in touch after the first time you were intimate, so maybe it would have been best to have let him take the lead here, as it all appears to have stemmed for this time! Of course after that you had the added problem of all that oxytocin rushing around.......

Also at some point soon, I'd also ask him what he's looking for as this will give you a good indication of how he views things....