Dating an ex-criminal

LegacyUser

I've been seeing a guy for a few weeks and a few days ago he had a heart to heart with me and said that he had a dark past. When I heard this my heart immediately dropped.

He told me that when he was a teen that he used to hang with a bad crowd, got involved with drugs and criminal elements. He doesn't have a criminal record, but I guess he was just lucky.

I know I've done stupid things as a kid, but it slightly bothered me when he told me. Then I started thinking what if I brought him home to my parents and they started probing into his younger years.

I'm sure I'm overthinking things, but I've never dated a guy who had a criminal past and it's kinda freaking me out!

Ursus Horribilis

Yes, I think you're overthinking this. Do people's parents really dig into what their kids' boyfriends/girlfriends did when they were teenagers? I'm sure they'll be curious about his background and his family. But I'm sure mostly they'll be interested in what he's doing now and sizing him up to see if he's a good guy.

Having said that, we (and you) don't have enough information to know if continuing to date him is a good or bad idea. I'd be more interested in the sort of person he is now. What sort of lifestyle he has, who his friends are these days etc. You could argue that he showed character in removing himself from these people and recognising that he had done wrong. When you get to know him better, you'll be in a better position to decide whether to continue seeing him or not.

Forty Seven

He has been open and honest with you when he did not need to. I'd say that's about as best as you can expect in a new relationship.

Plenty of people made poor decisions when they're young. If he has put it behind him then he is probably a lot stronger and more planted than others who haven't.

Your parents should not be a consideration in this at all.

Idle Passerby

You say he doesn't have a criminal record so calling him a criminal seems a bit alarmist. I suppose it depends what exactly he did and whether others were hurt by his actions. Were they serious crimes he got away with or just some teenage boundary pushing?

His past is none of your parents business. If they started questioning him in that way he'd be well within his rights to tell them where to go to be honest.

zapper55

In my long term relationships my parents have never quizzed someone like that. It wouldn't even occur to me or them to think it. Are appearances overly important to you OP? In keeping up with the neighbours kinda way?

Fair play to him for being honest. If he had a criminal record itd be different, if it affected countries he could visit etc but it wouldnt necessarily put me off. And my parents wouldnt come into it. Do you think perhaps you think too much about your parents opinion?

Telly

How is he a criminal if he doesn’t have a record?

lunamoon

For me, it would totally depend on the crime. I.e I wouldn't see dealing a bit of weed as bad as robbing old grannies.

Edgware

How do you know he is telling the truth about having no convictions?
What do you know about his activities? Are you going to take a risk on that?.
Why did he raise it?

ldy4mxonucwsq6

confuseddater wrote: »

I've been seeing a guy for a few weeks and a few days ago he had a heart to heart with me and said that he had a dark past. When I heard this my heart immediately dropped.

He told me that when he was a teen that he used to hang with a bad crowd, got involved with drugs and criminal elements. He doesn't have a criminal record, but I guess he was just lucky.

I know I've done stupid things as a kid, but it slightly bothered me when he told me. Then I started thinking what if I brought him home to my parents and they started probing into his younger years.

I'm sure I'm overthinking things, but I've never dated a guy who had a criminal past and it's kinda freaking me out!

He was honest and forthcoming, as he says it's in his past then I presume he also had the strength of character to turn his life around and get away from a bad crowd (this can be difficult to do).

The fact that he told you likely means that the relationship with you is important to him, rather than you finding out by chance later on.

All admirable traits to be honest and if you like him you should give him a chance. He's the same person regardless of whatever stupid stuff he did as a teen.

Limpy

That heart to heart could happen every week you hear something new about him. No criminal record but feels he needs to tell you he had a dark last. Why?

He will use his past to be able to manipulate you in the future. Beware.

B0jangles

Is he someone who you might hear things about from other people you both know? It might make a difference to me if I thought he was only telling me the edited facts to get ahead of other people telling me the gory details. If you've no friends in common, he's no reason to tell you beyond wanting to be honest. It does seem a bit soon to be telling this kind of thing, unless it's total deal-breaker bad stuff.

I gotta say, I don't think you have to have a criminal conviction to be a criminal - if I rob 15 houses, I'm a burglar - doesn't matter if I got away with it (just on the general argument that no conviction = not a criminal)

the_pen_turner

First of all you are never an ex criminal. You cannot come back across that line

If he broke the law then his is a criminal just not a convicted one. He has freely admitted it so it's a statement of fact


What is the time frame between this activity and now. If he is in his 30s and hasn't done anything since his teens then give him the benefit of the doubt
If he is 20 and talking about his teens then that's only a few months. He is still probably a scumbag

Fakediamond

Hopefully he’s not just testing the water to check your reaction, before getting into darker details when he knows you are accepting. As others have said, adults can leave teenage mistakes behind them, grow up and be responsible citizens and that is absolutely fine. On the other hand, it depends on the crime/behaviour to some extent. Would you be ok if it was child grooming and sexual exploitation, for example? I don’t mean to be alarmist, but that’s the kind of stuff that would concern me, even if there are no convictions.

I’m assuming you’ve googled his name to rule out obvious notoriety!

Neyite

Did his crimes hurt people or damage their property? That would be my yardstick of his character.



If it was violence/ intimidation/ theft then to be honest I can't see how he would have enough of a character transplant to be all that different a few years later unless addictions were involved.



Also his remorse would be important. It's all very well to confess all doe-eyed to you on a date but has he actually tried to make amends for the things he did like volunteering or fundraising? Those things show he's really changed and regrets his earlier years.

Xterminator

Dating an ex-criminal

He doesn't have a criminal record,

Hi OP

there is a contradiction above. Did you do anything stupid as a kid? experiment with drugs, shoplift, mitch from school?
I suspect you probably didn't, because you are so concerned about this now!

I would advise you to look into what kind of person he is now, who his friends are now, and his current lifestyle. If they are all good, then hsi wild childhood has no bearing at all.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

Well, unless your parents are particularly inquisitive or you live somewhere tiny it probably is overthinking things to be worrying about them finding out.

I'm a big believer that people can leave criminal pasts, particularly criminal adolescences, behind. I've seen it happen myself, and I have family members who make a living facilitating that difficult journey for people. I have friends whose pasts would probably put the frighteners up half the people who've replied here and they're fine, normal, decent productive members of society who've gotten past a tough start in life and/or some catastrophically stupid decisions when they were teenagers.

However, you're under no obligation to be comfortable with this. You don't owe him anything.

I agree that it could be a good or bad thing that he volunteered the information, depending on whether or not you were likely to hear it from someone else.

The timeline, and the nature and degree of the criminal activity is the main thing really, none of us can tell you where you should draw your lines on that front. For me there'd be a world of difference between "I used go joyriding with the lads and take yokes" and "I used mug people and sell a bit of heroin". Damage to property I could get over, violence probably not.

sReq | uTeK

Limpy wrote: »

That heart to heart could happen every week you hear something new about him. No criminal record but feels he needs to tell you he had a dark last. Why?

He will use his past to be able to manipulate you in the future. Beware.

Wow, just wow....