Could use advice

LegacyUser

I'll leave certain details out of this for obvious reasons, but I'll try explain best I can. I've no idea what to do, I've listened to everyone around me but I still can't make a decision. I just can't get her out of my mind.

I found out 3 weeks or so ago that my gf cheated on me with a guy on a trip with her friends. I wasn't told until after she had told her sister(I'll get back to this) and then she told me the following week. She didn't tell me straight up, she tried to break up with me but made it about me. I eventually got the truth out of her and have been trying to talk through it, and the underlying issues we've had (lack of communication).

I've been going through a rough patch the past year and I'd admit have not been the best person to be around, I'd get into moods and just felt ****ty about myself. This I'm sure wasn't easy on her. She lives in a different county for the last 2 years but we're both from the same one (been going out for nearly 4yrs), it wasn't much of a long distance thing as I'd stay at hers a few days at a time and she'd visit me when she was off work, I wasn't working but trying to find work, I want to say more here but I'm not sure if it's too specific. Let's just say I've had a lot of things go wrong in close proximity.

We discussed the issue we had, it was mainly due to money, my negativity and me not having a job and her family asking about it. I asked her if she wanted to break up but she couldn't give me a straight answer, said she needed time to think. I had then found out about the sister knowing before me, she's the type to get involved. She was constantly telling her to breakup with me and making her feel even more ****ty than she was.

We went on a trip that was planned for a while and I had a bit of conversation with the sister after she had texted something to her. I basically put it that we wanted to talk through this and to just let us do so. She (sister) got upset over that and has essentially turned the rest of family against me.

So far I've done everything I possibly could to try fix the issues. I've gotten a job in the county she's living in and securing somewhere to live there. I've tried to be more positive even with all this going on, trying to control my moods. The thing that has me confused is she was talking about kids and marriage before this all happened (literally a few days before). The last time we met I said to her that if she didn't love me then break up with me or tell me to stop trying. She didn't say it.

I've decided to give her 2 weeks (she wanted a month) as I'm going on a trip next week with a few friends. But I'm having trouble sleeping and eating right now and every message on my phone I'm hoping it's her. I feel lost right now and really alone. I've done my best not to contact her so far.

So if you managed to read this far, what do I do? Stick it through and hope I get the answer I want or end it before she does?

The plan was to ask her again on my return as it's close to our anniversary (two birds, one stone) and if she didn't have an answer then make my decision. I know I'm probably being naive but I truly do love this girl. I know her personality and her actions really don't reflect it.

zapper55

It doesnt matter if she says you she loves you or not, though I understand why you'd cling to that lifeline. What matters is can you get over the cheating?

Your post is quite vague about your problems but I get the impression it could be very rough going for her at times. Leaving the cheating aside I'm not sure that is changing?

You need to have a face to face honest conversation with her about why she cheated ( because I suspect you will take her back and you need the full facts). I'd never go back to someone who has cheated as I'd have lost all respect for then and I'd be wondering if they will do it again. Can you honestly say different?

Ursus Horribilis

All I can suggest, if you really want to save this, is to go to couples counselling. I get the impression that you will take her back if she makes the right noises all. So I think your original question is redundant.

If you reunite without major changes happening, this is doomed. Besides the way she handled the cheating, you've got the issue of her sister putting her oar in, her family now turned against you, your moods and your communication troubles. Did you always have communication problems or has this only started recently? Is this your first serious relationship?

If you can never get over her cheating, that's perfectly fine. It's a deal breaker for many people. This wasn't a drunken snog in a nightclub. She chose to do the most intimate thing any human does with another.

Augme

I've rarely seen couples survive cheating. Lots attempt it but very few truly get past it. Even if staying together the one cheated on always seems to struggle to move beyond it. Unless you can 100% trust her again you are looking at a life of anxiety and stress.

Add in the toxic family situation and I can't imagine the next year at least of year life being anyway pleasant. Staying together and trying to be in a happy relationship is going to be a war attrition against your own self. That's never going to be fun.

It always easy to say get out because I don't have feel or emotions about the person, but I truly believe you'd be better off getting out of this and finishing it. Give yourself a chance to start over and work on doing this to make yourself happy.

I genuinely think in a years time you'd be in a much happier and better place and would have zero regrets.

LegacyUser

She was talking about marriage and kids and cheated on you in same week. She cheated and tried to turn it back on you by breaking up with you and blaming you. Her sister is turning the family against you because you want to work throught it. All of this is toxic, none of this is love. Don't blame yourself. You're worth more than that even if didn't have penny to your name. Fair play you for moving and getting work, do that for yourself not her.

Church on Tuesday

Throwaway0001 wrote: »

I'll leave certain details out of this for obvious reasons, but I'll try explain best I can. I've no idea what to do, I've listened to everyone around me but I still can't make a decision. I just can't get her out of my mind.

I found out 3 weeks or so ago that my gf cheated on me with a guy on a trip with her friends. I wasn't told until after she had told her sister(I'll get back to this) and then she told me the following week. She didn't tell me straight up, she tried to break up with me but made it about me. I eventually got the truth out of her and have been trying to talk through it, and the underlying issues we've had (lack of communication).

I've been going through a rough patch the past year and I'd admit have not been the best person to be around, I'd get into moods and just felt ****ty about myself. This I'm sure wasn't easy on her. She lives in a different county for the last 2 years but we're both from the same one (been going out for nearly 4yrs), it wasn't much of a long distance thing as I'd stay at hers a few days at a time and she'd visit me when she was off work, I wasn't working but trying to find work, I want to say more here but I'm not sure if it's too specific. Let's just say I've had a lot of things go wrong in close proximity.

We discussed the issue we had, it was mainly due to money, my negativity and me not having a job and her family asking about it. I asked her if she wanted to break up but she couldn't give me a straight answer, said she needed time to think. I had then found out about the sister knowing before me, she's the type to get involved. She was constantly telling her to breakup with me and making her feel even more ****ty than she was.

We went on a trip that was planned for a while and I had a bit of conversation with the sister after she had texted something to her. I basically put it that we wanted to talk through this and to just let us do so. She (sister) got upset over that and has essentially turned the rest of family against me.

So far I've done everything I possibly could to try fix the issues. I've gotten a job in the county she's living in and securing somewhere to live there. I've tried to be more positive even with all this going on, trying to control my moods. The thing that has me confused is she was talking about kids and marriage before this all happened (literally a few days before). The last time we met I said to her that if she didn't love me then break up with me or tell me to stop trying. She didn't say it.

I've decided to give her 2 weeks (she wanted a month) as I'm going on a trip next week with a few friends. But I'm having trouble sleeping and eating right now and every message on my phone I'm hoping it's her. I feel lost right now and really alone. I've done my best not to contact her so far.

So if you managed to read this far, what do I do? Stick it through and hope I get the answer I want or end it before she does?

The plan was to ask her again on my return as it's close to our anniversary (two birds, one stone) and if she didn't have an answer then make my decision. I know I'm probably being naive but I truly do love this girl. I know her personality and her actions really don't reflect it.

I've bolded the most relevant parts to your issue in order.

Frankly, this is a pretty worrying sign. Even in a relationship that is going well, not just the cheating, but the length of time it took to tell you and the sister knowing before you did. Not on.

Of course she made it all about you, in her eyes it's your fault (it's not BTW). She is not taking responsibility for her actions, another red flag.

You've been through a rough time lately. Don't dare apologize for that. Speaking from experience here; nobody chooses for bad stuff or depression to befall them. If she really cared about you she would support you and stick with you through thick and thin, not go off with some random lad on a trip away with friends.

Yes, It can be difficult being with someone who is depressed or going through some difficulties, but a lot of that in borne out of the fact that you really want that person to be better. Did she support you at all through you difficulties?

You argued about money? why? it's not like ye are married or have a mortgage or kids to support? No doubt that comes from the family who more then likely don't rate you (again, not your fault). Also, it's none of their business what you do or don't do with your life; their daughter is a grown adult. The sister needs to cop on and mind her own business.

Yes, you have done a lot to turn your life around and fair play to you, you did it a lot quicker than I did. Now, if I were you I'd focus on that; your new job, finding a new place to live and I'd be kinda starting to forget about her because what exactly has she done to try and fix issues in your relationship?

I assume you asked her did she still love you and she couldn't say it? I'm not sure if that is what you meant. To my mind I think she wants out and isn't all that pushed about you. By all means suggest relationship counselling but I doubt she will want to do it. It doesn't look like to me, based on what you have stated above, that she cares all that much about you. I could be wrong but read over your OP again and ask yourself the question; are these the actions and thought process of someone who really wants to be with me and cares for me?

Above all, this is not your fault. Try to keep yourself healthy and make yourself priority number one. Relationships are hard work and if it's too much for her or has been too draining in her eyes, if you are both quite young and if her family don't approve of you it may be best to finish this and meet someone more considerate and caring.

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone for the replies, I'll go through them and try give some more insight.

zapper55 wrote: »

It doesnt matter if she says you she loves you or not, though I understand why you'd cling to that lifeline. What matters is can you get over the cheating?

Your post is quite vague about your problems but I get the impression it could be very rough going for her at times. Leaving the cheating aside I'm not sure that is changing?

You need to have a face to face honest conversation with her about why she cheated ( because I suspect you will take her back and you need the full facts). I'd never go back to someone who has cheated as I'd have lost all respect for then and I'd be wondering if they will do it again. Can you honestly say different?

To be totally honest, I think i could, of course not over night. I believe it was a reaction to me or lack of affection. This doesn't mean i didn't show her any or I never said i loved her, But i didn't say it enough even when i felt it. I'm a shy person and my role models in this department weren't the best (domestic abuse). I've always tried to do the opposite of what I've experienced, and at the beginning i told her all this, behind closed doors i'd show her but i couldn't always do it in public (we held hands and kissed the odd time). She said she was fine with this and she didn't mind no PDA's as it made people around us uncomfortable.

I had a lot of things happen in short space of time between college and health issues, this set me into a spiral of depression, which i used video games to pass the time/forget and looking back at it now, it was unhealthy. I may have blew off a few of her phone calls mid game (stupid i know, wish i didn't) but i always contacted her back once free. If we had a fight id get in a huff then make up with her a few minutes later. I didn't know this all bothered her as she never mention it until after she told me. These are things i can change, and stem from my depression/gaming. Had she asked i wouldn't have played again.

I've yet the get answer on why, she just said she had gotten lost from her friends and the guy forced himself into the taxi. Of course any questions I asked the friends were met with silence. Either way i'll be getting that answer, for closure.

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

All I can suggest, if you really want to save this, is to go to couples counselling. I get the impression that you will take her back if she makes the right noises all. So I think your original question is redundant.

If you reunite without major changes happening, this is doomed. Besides the way she handled the cheating, you've got the issue of her sister putting her oar in, her family now turned against you, your moods and your communication troubles. Did you always have communication problems or has this only started recently? Is this your first serious relationship?

If you can never get over her cheating, that's perfectly fine. It's a deal breaker for many people. This wasn't a drunken snog in a nightclub. She chose to do the most intimate thing any human does with another.

She has suggested counselling, for both me and her and then a separate couples appointment, I agreed to it, I want to solve this any way possible. But i have not heard anymore on that front since our last meeting when i agreed to let her think. I'm actively working on my mood, I've picked up running and I'm trying to be optimistic about the new job. The moods are mainly from being home doing nothing, achieving nothing. I did get a seasonal job around xmas (and it made me feel much better) but had a few failed interviews after that which brought me back down.

I told think we always had communication problems, I had no issue saying things to her. She didn't either. I think she just didn't want to make me feel worse by mentioning the job situation, this was usually spurred by her Mother asking. My response wasn't nasty, I just said i was trying my best and applying in the area. There usually isn't a lot of new jobs in the area, I wanted to try where she was living but I didn't want to over step my bounds by asking. I kinda hoped she would suggest. Of course this didn't mean we had to live together.

I'm not under illusion that jumping back in will work without change, I'm willing to work on the things she has told me for both myself and the relationship. If anything it's the shock that jolted me out of the patch. Of course it would have been much nicer if she told me this before she cheated. Her words when i got the job were "I didn't think you would put this much effort in, or react like this". Of course i'm angry at what she's done and extremely hurt but conveying those probably isn't the best move if i did want to salvage the relationship.

Augme wrote: »

I've rarely seen couples survive cheating. Lots attempt it but very few truly get past it. Even if staying together the one cheated on always seems to struggle to move beyond it. Unless you can 100% trust her again you are looking at a life of anxiety and stress.

Add in the toxic family situation and I can't imagine the next year at least of year life being anyway pleasant. Staying together and trying to be in a happy relationship is going to be a war attrition against your own self. That's never going to be fun.

It always easy to say get out because I don't have feel or emotions about the person, but I truly believe you'd be better off getting out of this and finishing it. Give yourself a chance to start over and work on doing this to make yourself happy.

I genuinely think in a years time you'd be in a much happier and better place and would have zero regrets.

I wanted to try so that down the road if i did look back at this, I can say I've tried everything i could and it shill didn't work. I didn't want any regrets from it. The rest of the family aren't that toxic, its just the sister. She didn't get what she wanted and the GF stopped responding to her phone calls, so i'm assuming she's trying another angle. I've had nothing against her family, she said i didn't really try with them but it kind of hard when she's out of the country and they live 20 mins from me in the countryside. I don't drive but even if i did it would be odd to randomly show up to their house for chats. I was always polite around them and watched what i said or did as i didn't want to offend them. I used to get on with the sister until i say some nasty condescending texted from her to my GF and how it made her feel. This naturally put me off her.

Notuser18 wrote: »

She was talking about marriage and kids and cheated on you in same week. She cheated and tried to turn it back on you by breaking up with you and blaming you. Her sister is turning the family against you because you want to work throught it. All of this is toxic, none of this is love. Don't blame yourself. You're worth more than that even if didn't have penny to your name. Fair play you for moving and getting work, do that for yourself not her.

It wasn't plans for anything, it was just a topic. I noticed how broody she was so i brought up the children. She never really cared about the money, at least i didn't think she did. I looked after her for the first 2 years when she was finishing college. I admit maybe i took the piss when out, but if refused to go out she'd get in a huff. I tried to do things that wouldn't cost us much. I was always conscious about having no cash on me, perhaps i should have splashed a bit more. This was only for events or a night/dinner out. I did pay the odd time. When it came to Anniversaries, Birthday, Xmas I would save up for jewelry or what ever she wanted/needed. I felt like these were the times i could give back, as i had time to plan.

Church on Tuesday wrote: »

I've bolded the most relevant parts to your issue in order.

Frankly, this is a pretty worrying sign. Even in a relationship that is going well, not just the cheating, but the length of time it took to tell you and the sister knowing before you did. Not on.

Of course she made it all about you, in her eyes it's your fault (it's not BTW). She is not taking responsibility for her actions, another red flag.

You've been through a rough time lately. Don't dare apologize for that. Speaking from experience here; nobody chooses for bad stuff or depression to befall them. If she really cared about you she would support you and stick with you through thick and thin, not go off with some random lad on a trip away with friends.

Yes, It can be difficult being with someone who is depressed or going through some difficulties, but a lot of that in borne out of the fact that you really want that person to be better. Did she support you at all through you difficulties?

You argued about money? why? it's not like ye are married or have a mortgage or kids to support? No doubt that comes from the family who more then likely don't rate you (again, not your fault). Also, it's none of their business what you do or don't do with your life; their daughter is a grown adult. The sister needs to cop on and mind her own business.

Yes, you have done a lot to turn your life around and fair play to you, you did it a lot quicker than I did. Now, if I were you I'd focus on that; your new job, finding a new place to live and I'd be kinda starting to forget about her because what exactly has she done to try and fix issues in your relationship?

I assume you asked her did she still love you and she couldn't say it? I'm not sure if that is what you meant. To my mind I think she wants out and isn't all that pushed about you. By all means suggest relationship counselling but I doubt she will want to do it. It doesn't look like to me, based on what you have stated above, that she cares all that much about you. I could be wrong but read over your OP again and ask yourself the question; are these the actions and thought process of someone who really wants to be with me and cares for me?

Above all, this is not your fault. Try to keep yourself healthy and make yourself priority number one. Relationships are hard work and if it's too much for her or has been too draining in her eyes, if you are both quite young and if her family don't approve of you it may be best to finish this and meet someone more considerate and caring.

She told me a partial truth before telling the sister, told me she kissed a guy, I felt there was more to it so i pushed further (this is around the time i started looking for work in the other area, I took up running and stopped playing video games). The friends wouldn't tell me either, not sure if that was the best idea but i had to ask. She was willing to work things out before the sister got involved. Then it got all confusing, we'd go from working it one day to back square one the next. Of course i'd image the sister called her the nights we talked.

I know what it's like to be with someone who's going through depression, my previous GF had it rough, I tried to help the best i could and found myself getting down due to our conversations. (current GF)For most of the year i tried to keep that stuff to myself, then i text her a few times. She did try to help me but also didn't really know what to say (which is fair as she didn't have any experience with it).

She has said she loved me, several times since this has happened. She said it the last time when i left and gave me a kiss and a hug. Its when she couldn't give me an answer on weather to try fix this I asked her to tell me to stop trying if she wanted to break up. This she did not answer. She did suggest counselling as mentioned above. Just to add this is her first relationship (I guess both of our first serious one) I honestly think she's confused, especially with the outside interference. This is why i gave her time to think, weather that's on her own or with more interference only time will tell. But at the end of the day I'm willing to give her a second chance, All i was asking for was a chance to prove that can do better and be more transparent in the relationship.

Sorry for the wall of text, appreciate the replies. Its nice to talk this through with more people other than family and friends.

ILoveYourVibes

Maybe the relationship has run its course op and its time to move on. Good time for you to move on ..new job new start?

Church on Tuesday

"Its when she couldn't give me an answer on weather to try fix this I asked her to tell me to stop trying if she wanted to break up. This she did not answer. "


I think that says a lot TBH.

It's very easy to say "I love you" but actions always speak louder than words.

The fact of the matter is she cheated on you whilst you were at a low ebb.

You have indicated that you are willing to forgive her and try save your relationship, yet when you put it to her directly she couldn't give you an answer.

She cheated on you. She should be delighted that you have forgiven her and be chomping at the bit to make things work but instead it seems to me that she is pretty cool about it.

Now that may be down to the family talking in her ear about you, that does happen sometimes and putting doubts in her mind, You don't say what age you both are but I'm guessing pretty young? If she's a proper grown adult, she won't really care what her family thinks, why on earth would she? I mean, you're hardly some scumbag.

In my opinon she is looking for a way out of the relationship. I may be wrong. Let her get in touch with you now as the ball is in her court. Focus on yourself.

joeguevara

So she cheated, hurt you, cant decide if she wants to continue and you are the one fighting for this. If someone loves you then they would be the one fighting for the relationship. Dont hold on in a toxic relationship because of fear of being alone.

You could forgive the cheating but behaviour since...nah.

sounds like its been hard on her for a while, but doesnt sound like shes going to go back to commitment the way things were before either.

focus on yourself, move on and the ball is firmly in her court to get back to you. youd be much better off either way if you take this approach rather than running around pushing for an answer.

leggo

Sorry OP I’ve only skimmed your latest reply so apologies if I cover anything that’s been said.

You’re chasing a girl here who cheated on you, lied, then tried to blame it on you and has been successful in making you think her riding another bloke was somehow down to you. That’s majorly warped OP! I don’t blame you, you’re in an emotional state and having been cheated on before myself, I fully appreciate how it knocks your sense of normal beyond a point people can really understand. But still...that needs to be pointed out to you.

There is something to be said for you wanting to improve yourself and battle your depression to be a better partner, but that’s still no excuse for her behaviour. When people cheat (unless we’re talking domestic abuse situations) it has nothing to do with their partners and everything to do with their own view of relationships, loyalty etc. It’s not a valid coping mechanism, that’s a BS excuse they’ll give to duck responsibility and avoid confronting the fact that they did an awful thing. You are responsible for managing your mental health, yes, but she is also responsible for her unfaithfulness. Neither caused the other, you’re two individuals, and the sad but simple reality is that the two of you together seems to create a toxic solution that only makes you both worse off.

Case in point: look at the language you’re using. You’re speaking about how you should’ve given up gaming for her...why?!!? There’s nothing at all wrong with gaming, it harms nobody! And it’s actually really good for mental health issues, giving you something you can focus on to switch your brain off your struggles for a time. If you were in a functional relationship, you could both enjoy your hobbies and it wouldn’t be an issue, it would be celebrated! But you’re not so now gaming is something you have to give up to ‘fix’ this because it somehow ‘made’ her ride another bloke.

The situation looks FUBAR for me OP. It’s not resembling healthy anymore or making either of your lives better at this stage. I know you likely still love her and may be in the situation so long you can’t imagine a life without her, but there so is. People break up from LTRs and move onto better things every single day. You can love someone but still acknowledge that the two of you don’t work anymore and let them go. And if/when you do, you’ll look back at this all with fresh eyes and see how messed up it was. In the meantime, I’d advise counselling to work through this, get a perspective of what healthy relationships are, understand why your brain switched to “It’s my fault and I have to fix things” when she cheated, and figure out how to find a healthy situation instead. Do that and you’ll be so happy you did in a few years. And, if it helps with dealing with the break-up, tell yourself that it’s a ‘for now’ solution while you both work on your stuff individually and that you can re-evaluate when you’ve done so. Which you absolutely can I’m sure, I just don’t think you actually will want to at that stage because you’ll see it how we do. Take it from experience on that one.