Hit rock bottom - Depressed, anxiety

LegacyUser

I have hit total rock bottom. I am going to struggle to get all this down in words but I need to get it out there.

Summary: I have been suffering (or so it seems now) long term with some level of depression for a number of years now. It has all come to light now as my relationship fell apart, I sold our family home, my ex-partner has moved in with her parents to get on her feet again and I have done the same.

I am 29. I have been suffering stress and anxiety for some time in my work place and I label it as a toxic environment to work in but I stuck it out for a number of years as it paid well, offered great flexibility. I bought a house with my savings/income in my own name 2 years ago. A number of months after we moved in I dropped into a black hole, it was hell and I didn't know what was going on. I could not function socially, work or leave the house. I could identify one thing, though - I was a bit lost career wise as I knew I had to make a change as the work I have been doing really I felt I really did not have the ability to do it and keep up with constant organisation reshuffling and having re-learn my job role. I work in Software and have had 5-6 different positions in the same company over the last 4 year period. On top of the work issues, I had my doubts about the location we moved to (I bought in a bit of a rush as my job was at the time under threat and wanted to secure a mortgage). Several months in living there, similar time to when the career change was in my head, council tenants moved into the two houses next door to us which we were attached to and one family were travellers, I couldn't believe our luck (smoking weed/drinking all day and night in the garden), we could smell it in our house. In my head, this pushed me over the edge.

I brought this up with my partner and asked if she would consider moving before we get stuck with the property with the undesirable location/situation next door. She refused and stated if I wanted to move we were over. I pushed for her to consider the move as it had really got under my skin at this stage. It eventually led to the collapse of our relationship. At the same time she wanted to have another child and I knew I was not mentally in the right frame of mind to even consider having another child now. I was labelled as selfish for putting my needs first. We were already somewhat financially dependant on my income alone to cover mortgage and bills and I knew I needed to change career or job as my current one had literally sucked the life out of me. I could not cope with another dependant. he worked part-time to cover minding our son to avoid childcare costs as we were located outside of Dublin with no family support.

It got to a point where I needed to see my GP as I had become suicidal, lost and family and friends became very concerned. They advised I take 1 month off to re-evaluate things. I declined this initially as I felt loosing the routine would make me worse. I was put on lexapro and the week or two of this intially made me even worse. Eventually at another GP visit I gave in and took 2 weeks off work. At this point our relationship had totally fallen apart, no communication and I was facing looking at the potential seperation, burden of a house and mortgage and a career change. I put the house up for sale and received a cash offer the same day it went up. At this point I was in crisis - my anxiety, depression and ability to make rational decisions all went out the window(At least looking back now i feel it did). I listened to others who I leaned on for advice who advised go with my gut feeling. which was to sell as the relationship was not going to work. I guess I feel angry for maybe taking that advice now as i am so hurt, broken and lost.

During the two weeks my GP advised me to take off, an opportunity came up to interview for a position I had dreamt of in an industry (aviation) I always had a passion for, doing the type of work I believe where my strengths actually lie. the only issue is it is a 4-year apprenticeship which involves a lot of college technical training and a massive decrease in income for 4 years. I've accepted the position as its rare they come up and I feel what else have I got to loose at this point. While i'm appreciative of the job offer and considering the competition I faced to get the position its a massive step backwards initially career wise.

I'm now back in my parents, my son & partner back at her parents and I genuinely fear for what lies ahead. I feel like I've thrown everything away. My GP admitted me to A&E for my own safety and I'm currently dealing with pieta house for therapy but I don't feel its helping much. I've attended privately too for a CBT based therapy but also feel I'm struggling dealing with a lot of the concepts they discuss and methods to work going forward. My mind has been controlling my life and I cannot see a way to stop it. I have failed at so much. I cannot stop comparing my life to others and feel I am just such a dysfunctional person at life.

Finchie1276

OK, thats a lot of stuff to happen.
Can you break it out a bit more?

What was it about CBT you found difficult?
If the role you have ben offered is still available why would you take it and why would you not?
What do you think your biggest errors were and how would you reframe these to make your reactions to them less extreme?

Lets start there first?

LegacyUser

Sorry, I didn't realise i had written so much.

I think the hardest part about CBT/Therapy is I find it healing to have someone to talk to openly to let it all out but difficult to actually implement any methods once I leave that actually helps me deal with my thoughts and emotions in a more controlled manner.

I am due to start the new role on Monday and I am extremely anxious as I am carrying so much baggage going into it. I feel a failure going back to retrain in a new career path at the age of 29 starting from the ground up. Initially this didn't bother me but now its a reality it has hit me hard.

Why would(did) I take it?
-I've been looking at this job path/career for a number of years now
-Constant organisation reshuffling happening, no chance to specialise or learn my job role exactly.
-I really struggle in my current career, i've been suffering stress and anxiety continuously but i stuck it out for the salary and the huge potential to finally own our own home (which we did).
-I'm behind a screen 10+ hours a day and have been or 10+ years now and I want to get out of this environment
-I want to work with my hands on more practical work that actually excites me
-Good potential to grow in the industry I have chosen, maybe not as much as I.T. but I don't ever see me excelling in I.T.

Why wouldn't I take it?
-Feeling of going backwards
-Massive risk it doesn't work out and I'm back to square 1 AGAIN
-Huge pay cut for several years
-Likeliness of owning a home again is unlikely for a number of years

My biggest errors?
I was in a severe darkness not long after we moved in. Looking back on the several months of complete darkness nothing made sense, everything was downhill (or so it felt in my head). It probably wasn't quite as severe as I felt it was at the time I made the massive decision to sell the house. The tipping point for me was when travellers moved in next to us. It was awful.

I'm now burdened with guilt trying to pick up all the pieces and readjust. I am trying to do all I can with my son to still be the best father I can. Things are amicable between me and my ex-partner. I know she somehow still cares about me and is concerned about my mental health.

I recognise I have a problem, I'm just not sure how to deal with them or cope with them. I'm so overwhelmed. I feel I have lost my independence, relationship, home, career and lost myself as I do not know who I am.

Finchie1276

Hiya,

No problem in writing it al down, it can only be a good thing.
I see where you are coming from. I'm not a mental health specialist but I have had extensive CBT and successfully moved on from a number of difficulties as a result.

First of all - when we are anxious we operate from an illogical and very trigger happy side of our brain with the amgydala firing off distress flares a lot. I think its important to understand the role of the amygdala and how when you are long term anxious it becomes default. Even understanding the role of the amygdala in your thinking can help.

I think Dr Harry Barrys book about anxiety is great - really helps to decode what goes on.


I'll jot a few things below which you might want to look at and feel free to respond?


I think the hardest part about CBT/Therapy is I find it healing to have someone to talk to openly to let it all out but difficult to actually implement any methods once I leave that actually helps me deal with my thoughts and emotions in a more controlled manner.

Fair enough - but it is a habit and tiny changes build up over time. A lot of your thinking and errors of thinking are classic behaviours but these can be changed. You are not trying to control, just observe and GENTLY challenge. Have you gone through the common errors of thinking? Black and white, al or nothing etc?


I am due to start the new role on Monday and I am extremely anxious as I am carrying so much baggage going into it.
Congratulations on your new role!!! Fine to a bit anxious. Bagage?? Who does that matter to in your role? Apart from you? You have to park that. Look on the role as a SUCCESS.


I feel a failure going back to retrain in a new career path at the age of 29 starting from the ground up. Initially this didn't bother me but now its a reality it has hit me hard.

Our whole lives are a learning experience. Everyday. I'm 47 and Im going back to college next September to do a four year course. Completely the opposite of what I am doing. I figured out that that is my thing and I don't care too much what people think. Life is an adventure


Why would(did) I take it?
-I've been looking at this job path/career for a number of years now - Super - now you are in!
-Constant organisation reshuffling happening, no chance to specialise or learn my job role exactly. - Pain in the ass - now thats gone, well done.
-I really struggle in my current career, i've been suffering stress and anxiety continuously but i stuck it out for the salary and the huge potential to finally own our own home (which we did). So the benefits were the salary and the home - they are god trade offs - don't forget it took skill to hang in there.
-I'm behind a screen 10+ hours a day and have been or 10+ years now and I want to get out of this environment - Now you are!
-I want to work with my hands on more practical work that actually excites me - Now you will be!
-Good potential to grow in the industry I have chosen, maybe not as much as I.T. but I don't ever see me excelling in I.T. Maybe this is your passion!

Why wouldn't I take it?
-Feeling of going backwards - OK, no point in not progressing when you can.
-Massive risk it doesn't work out and I'm back to square 1 AGAIN - thats all or nothing and black or white thinking. Square 1? Wheres that? Everything changes so there is no square one. 'Again' sounds defeatist. Try this - ' I accept this will be challenging and there is a risk that it wont work out, I don't want to stay static with my job so I am going to give this my very best shot and congratulate myself for being proactive, I'm not going to allow fear to stop me being a better version of myself' - sound better?

-Huge pay cut for several years - but you gain experience doing something you want.
-Likeliness of owning a home again is unlikely for a number of years - Thats fine. You cant have it all and this might be your trade off.

My biggest errors?
I was in a severe darkness not long after we moved in. Looking back on the several months of complete darkness nothing made sense, everything was downhill (or so it felt in my head). It probably wasn't quite as severe as I felt it was at the time I made the massive decision to sell the house. The tipping point for me was when travellers moved in next to us. It was awful.

- All over now though, only alive in your head and rumination on it wont help. Its done, over and you did your best.



I'm now burdened with guilt trying to pick up all the pieces and readjust.

Thats the change process - its like the grief process - bargaining, going back to the past, trying to understand. Have you read about the psychology of change?

I am trying to do all I can with my son to still be the best father I can. - Thats admirable and al you can do.


Things are amicable between me and my ex-partner. I know she somehow still cares about me and is concerned about my mental health. - Super, show her that you are a hero, you do your best, you are kind, you support her, you love your son. Thats al you can do.

I recognise I have a problem, I'm just not sure how to deal with them or cope with them.
What are the problems? Have you listed them? What can you change? What can you not change? Whats fast to change?


I'm so overwhelmed.
Yes but I think looking at the anxiety, amygdala loop will help.

I feel I have lost my independence, relationship, home, career and lost myself as I do not know who I am.

You are going through huge change. Work, life, parenthood, home - into your 30's. This is not easy. Add a sprinkle of anxiety and its not too much fun.

My guess is that if you go deeper into above you will progress beautifully (with bumps!) over the next few months.


I recommend reading Hermina Ibarras - Working Identity, John Kabat Zinns - Full Catastrophe Living and William Bridges - Transitions. Read those three books and see where you are.

Good luck! Fire back any comments. Ive been there with lots of this.

Purple Mountain

Hey, just a little message to say I actually admire you for following your dreams and going back retraining for a job you have had your heart on for years.
That takes guts.
I'm a single parent too and I went back to college aged 28 to retrain, best thing I ever did. Lived very frugally for a few years, relying on family like you but now I'm in a job I love, and have a lot more financial independence.
Look at all the positives you have.
You have a safe place to live for now, no risk of a landlord turfing you out.
You have a lovely son.
You are about to embark on an adventure that hopefully will bring you to the job of your dreams.
Start with those positive thoughts and it'll illuminate some brightness on your path.

Lapis Luzali

Sorry to hear you are having such a difficult time.
Change is hard but such is life, it sounds like you've had a few strokes of luck within the chaos, your house sold the same day it went up for sale to a cash buyer - these things dont happen often. You also got offered your dream job - you have family support around you, you have much to be thankful for.

It sounds like when you needed your girlfriend as you were going through difficult times, she ran, is it possible she was only ever interested in what you can do for her? such as support her financially? give her everything she wants? it sounds like she has been using you and you may not see it now but you had a lucky escape, people go on for years and years with partners that suck them dry.

When ever I get down I try to remind myself there are people out there who are my own age who are dying of cancer, living with debilitating illnesses and living on the streets through no fault of their own, people with dreams, goals, wants and needs.
Its important not to compare yourself to others but practicing gratefulness is a great place to start.

Rubberchikken

sometimes i think life hands us a way.out of things that just arent for us.
see this job/training as a new path out of a job that hasnt been what youve wanted for a long time.

youre 29 not 129 so young and smart and well capable of making a great career in an industry youve wanted to work.in.

keep working on the cbt with support. this can take time.
keep up a good relationship with your family. good support is invaluable.
very best of luck

Mad_maxx

anon_stressed_depressed wrote: »

Sorry, I didn't realise i had written so much.

I think the hardest part about CBT/Therapy is I find it healing to have someone to talk to openly to let it all out but difficult to actually implement any methods once I leave that actually helps me deal with my thoughts and emotions in a more controlled manner.

I am due to start the new role on Monday and I am extremely anxious as I am carrying so much baggage going into it. I feel a failure going back to retrain in a new career path at the age of 29 starting from the ground up. Initially this didn't bother me but now its a reality it has hit me hard.

Why would(did) I take it?
-I've been looking at this job path/career for a number of years now
-Constant organisation reshuffling happening, no chance to specialise or learn my job role exactly.
-I really struggle in my current career, i've been suffering stress and anxiety continuously but i stuck it out for the salary and the huge potential to finally own our own home (which we did).
-I'm behind a screen 10+ hours a day and have been or 10+ years now and I want to get out of this environment
-I want to work with my hands on more practical work that actually excites me
-Good potential to grow in the industry I have chosen, maybe not as much as I.T. but I don't ever see me excelling in I.T.

Why wouldn't I take it?
-Feeling of going backwards
-Massive risk it doesn't work out and I'm back to square 1 AGAIN
-Huge pay cut for several years
-Likeliness of owning a home again is unlikely for a number of years

My biggest errors?
I was in a severe darkness not long after we moved in. Looking back on the several months of complete darkness nothing made sense, everything was downhill (or so it felt in my head). It probably wasn't quite as severe as I felt it was at the time I made the massive decision to sell the house. The tipping point for me was when travellers moved in next to us. It was awful.

I'm now burdened with guilt trying to pick up all the pieces and readjust. I am trying to do all I can with my son to still be the best father I can. Things are amicable between me and my ex-partner. I know she somehow still cares about me and is concerned about my mental health.

I recognise I have a problem, I'm just not sure how to deal with them or cope with them. I'm so overwhelmed. I feel I have lost my independence, relationship, home, career and lost myself as I do not know who I am.

That you're partner was opposed to moving despite the fact that travellers moved in next door, tells me you are better off without her.

dellas1979

You have a voice in your head going around and around and around telling you youre useless and a failure.

I dont think you can see how youve actually made a good situation out of a bad.

You hated your job/environment -You are now pursuing something you are interested in.

You bought a house and sold it - You are not on some creditors list somewhere and cant buy again.

You were honest with your wife and entitled to be that you didnt want another child.

Youve actually problem solved your way out of a lot of ****ty situations. But I would say you are so mentally exhausted from trying to keep it all together.

I retrained at 30. There is no time line for things in life. There is no set time point. There is no control in some situations - how someone else feels, someone's bad behaviour...

All you can do is:

• Live in the present. Down to the fact that youve food in your belly.
• Be grateful for what you do have. You are able to go and live at home.
• Set goals for the future. And try and strive to achieve them. Thats all you/we can do. And you sound like a guy who can do this.
• Mind yourself, includes: sleeping and eating well. Showering. Keeping fresh. Looking after your mental health, including talking to a councellor. Go into nature. Walk around in nature (this is very relaxing/cathartic to a lot of people).

Having this and that does not make you happy. Sure it pays the bills. But it does not make us happy. Happiness comes from inside you. We have forgotton to be happy we are so caught up in "I dont have this, he/she said that, I cant do this" talk.

LegacyUser

To ok who have taken the considerable amount of time to replying to me, I thank you so much for the positive encouragement.

I’m 2 days into the new job and it is slow going as expected. I have to keep going though, I made these drastic decisions for a reason so I keep reminding my self while it’s 4 years commitment training, it will be worth it in the end.

I’ve come to the realization I have had no work/life balance .. well mainly, I have had no life for the most part of my life. I can’t stand being in my own thoughts with nothing to do. I can’t identify one thing that actually interests me anymore. I am really struggling.

I know a solid routine will help me. Stepping out of my comfort zone and picking up a new hobby will probably do me the world of good. I am more than willing to but really struggle finding that interest/hobby/volunteering thing to do. I’m not overly shy and more than willing.

I’ve spent most of day feeling so lost and tired. I’ve visited family for the weekend and coming home to m my parents house is yet again making my gut wrench.

I worry about far too much probably, I’m 29 and have no financial independence, no home and no future savings apart from 2 years pension from previous job. I’ve a little money left from the house sale deposit that was returned.

Feeling so depressed and lost.