Depressed

Autecher

Hi all. I am in my mid 30's and have been very unhappy for over 20 years. I used to have interests and be sociable but in the last 10 years I have become very withdrawn from life. The things I used to love I have near zero interest in now. I still go to my full time job and visit my family a few times a week. I barely see most of my friends anymore as I don't want to go outside and face people. They have understandably stopped asking me to do things or visit because I will say either no or say yes but then cancel close to the time with some excuse, I do actually prefer it that way though because I just want to be alone for the most part. I have tried therapy with 3 different therapists and it is not for me, spending €60-€100 once or twice a week for months on end with only a slim chance of it maybe helping is not something I will ever do again. I have tried CBT and again found it wasn't for me. I have taken I think 6 different types of anti depressant and some of them seemed to work initially but only in the short term then the usual feelings come back. Upping the dosage has the same effect, short term happiness that wears off. I eat well enough for the most part, lots of protein, chicken, fruit & veg etc.. I used to exercise a lot more than I do now but I never really felt that helped me mentally despite all we are told about that. I have a few physical ailments that prevent me from doing much more than walking and pilates/yoga which I do regularly. I ave tried meditation multiple times and can not get into it at all.
I did try to kill myself when I was 20 but obviously it didn't work. I reluctant to try again now because I am convinced it won't work and I will end up brain-dead or at least a worse version of the person I am now. I know 2 people who were in a come from suicide attempts and both of them have very bad memory and other issues like speech impediments etc.. If we had gun laws like America I would have done it years ago.
My real issue is and always has been that I find life to be the dumbest waste of time imaginable, it's just so fúcking stupid, I don't see the point to it. All I see is people struggling in life be it financially or other. I don't understand why more people don't just give up instead of struggling on for the majority of their lives.
I guess my reason to post here is to see if there is anything I haven't tried that might help?
Thanks for reading this, I didn't think it would be so long and there is probably lots about it that doesn't make sense.

antix80

Makes a lot of sense op and you're not the only one in this situation of getting older but not getting happier.
The suicide talk isn't good FWIW. At least life has some hope.. death is too permanent.
Most people, rightly or wrongly, find meaning in their work. So if your work is meaningless, life can seem that way too. So I guess something to work toward would be to find a more meaningful job.
Am I right to say money isn't too important to you? Could you try another roll of the dice by taking a flight to Europe with a few grand in the bank and see if you can do better in another city?

kg703

Hi OP

Really sorry to hear you are feeling this way. Life is pointless, everyone is making it up as we go along but remember only you can change your circumstances to try and enjoy this weird ride we are all on. Death is not an alternative it’s nothingness. If your current life is not fulfilling, why not try something totally different, a different job, a different city, travel, learn how to play music or write etc. there are many things in this world that can bring you joy, it’s our own brain that’s stacking it against you. Also avoid social media, we aren’t all out having fun and feeling great all the time, nobody posts pics of them scrubbing their floors and the other mundane things we do 90% of the time!

Two things.

You need to speak to a family member or friend and ask for help. Your friends probably know what’s going on and don’t know how to help but you wouldn’t believe how many people are in your exact situation. You might find some are sharing your emptiness.

Secondly, suicide, while you might feel it’s relief for you, will plunge your family and friends into a lifelong hell. They’ll forever wonder why and if they could have helped you. There is always another way. I’ve seen this first hand a few years ago and the family are still so hurt and can’t move on.

I wish you the best of luck

Jimmy Bottlehead

Hi OP.

I know you've said therapy doesn't work for you, but that's been said by many people until they found the right therapist.

If CBT isn't for you, then that's fine. Maybe try someone with a humanistic or psychodynamic perspective instead?

It sounds like life is pretty intolerable, so rather than giving up on it, try to seek alternatives such as the above. Or perhaps try to find meaning in the meaningless of life. Read some philosophy, try to see a wider picture than the nihilistic one you're currently limited to. I'd recommend reading some stoicism (such as Meditations by Marcus Aurealius) as it may provide some mensing.

Best of luck. Life can be great, if you can hang in there and work toward a change.

bottlebrush

Hi op. Can you think of the time before you were depressed and what you were doing at the time? I'm guessing you were at school or college. If you weren't depressed was it because you enjoyed studying and you were looking forward to the prospects of a fulfilling job and your own money ie you had hope for the future. As a previous poster said money doesn't seem to be the issue but do you enjoy your job? You spend most of your waking week in a job so it's vital you find it fulfilling. If it's just about OK and the money is OK then you need to use the money to do fulfilling things outside of work. Very few of us would work in jobs if we didn't have to but it's what people do after work and at weekends that make life interesting.
maybe a change of career would be the answer and or finding interesting hobbies outside of work. Keeping busy is one key to managing depression. If you spend too much time alone you will keep thinking about it which only reinforces the negative thoughts. You could start with solo activities such as going to the cinema one night, if you can't swim then say take a swimming lesson another night and with that you will have set a goal for yourself. Then join a walking club where you can just turn up and mingle with whoever else turns up. It's small steps at first which hopefully will turn into an enjoyable routine. Whatever the hobby keep trying until you find something you enjoy and this is a good time of the year to start as many classes and courses begin in September.
good luck op

Hey Autecher..

TBH I'd be in a fairly similar position myself really..had a bad couple of years a few years ago, and I haven't really been able to recover..
I'd disagree with you as to the pointlessness of life..like, yeah, it didn't work out for me, but like other people are happy..there's obviously some point to it, even if it seems sort of intangible right now..I got sick of talking about things too, and I suppose I'm 'hanging on in quiet desperation' to quote the floyd..A lot of my relationships fell apart too, to the point where I don't really have any friends, and I dont really trust anybody..Just go to work and see family sometimes..I've a few nieces, and tbh, they're kind of what keep me going..Like, I've interests etc, and I don't mind boredom, but, yeah, isolation probably is't good, and anhedonia is a struggle too..

Yeah, I've no suggestions really..exercise is apparently good (I've been told)..meditation is good too..Isolation and staring at the phone is bad though..I dunno man..yeah, when you kind of lose hope of the happier future you had envisioned it gets harder to go on..

Just take it a day at a time..give yourself stuff to look forward to..

Finchie1276

I think you have not go the right help, either therapy, medication or a combination of both to address the issues you are facing.
Bear in mind most of the stuff we 'think' is projection, endless conversation, rumination etc.
CBT offers significant advantages for what you describe but its success hinges on there being firstly an understanding of the mechanics of your thinking and secondly that you are responsible for challenging and changing your thinking.
You have a long pattern of these feelings but you can work it through.

What healthcare professionals are you currently seeing?

Autecher

Hi all. Thank you for the replies and suggestions. I meant to log in after work yesterday but ended up not getting time.

Autecher

Again thank you for the replies but most things suggested I have tried before. I am grateful for the time and thoughts. You will think this too negative and you will be correct but the thoughts of getting better are not good to me at all to be honest about it. Given the choice between getting better and living until I am 90 or death now then I choose death every time because the first option just means more living. I don't really see what is so special about life, what is the big deal with it?

I shouldn't have started this thread I know so can a mod please close it?
I am going to close my account anyway.


Thank you all again for the replies and good wishes.

wiggle16

I'm sorry to read that, Autecher. I really hope you re-read the advice you've been given here and give it some thought.

In any case, please know that you do not have to deal with this on your own.

We encourage people experiencing difficulties to talk to someone they trust and, if appropriate, to go to their GP. If you need help urgently and outside of GP hours, please go to your nearest A&E department. It sounds like your situation is becoming acute - it doesn't have to be.

There are organisations better positioned to provide specialised support than what PI can offer. These organisations are listed below. I hope that you will follow these up so that you can get the help and support you need.

If you need immediate help:
Aware’s Support Line is open 7 days per week, 10am-10pm on 1800 804 848

The Samaritan’s phone line is open 24/7 on 116 123

Pieta offer one-to-one, face-to-face support. Click ‘Contact us’ to find the phone number and opening hours of your nearest branch on their site or email mary@pieta.ie for advice on getting an appointment.

If you need non-urgent help:
Aware have a support email service at supportmail@aware.ie

Please mind yourself.

Mod:

As the OP has closed their account, thread locked.