11yr old feels sad n empty

LegacyUser

Going anon as I’m stunned this is happening.
I have 2 children a wonderful nearly 12year old boy and a fabulous 9yr old girl.
As a family we get on well and I have a great relationship with both children. HusbAnd is more old school but he is great too. I’m sure we both have our faults.

My son has started verbalising thoughts that are real red flags for depression. On paper he has it all, fantastic at sports, dislikes school (clash with teacher) but does well work wise, is chatty friendly, popular amongst peers, girls like him but he is sad. He says he is sad, he says he feels empty, he says nothing matters. He can’t explain why. I try to get him to explain further but he clams up.
I’ve Also noticed that he can’t handle certain things, it’s like his head gets caught in a spin and he can’t regulate his feelings and he pAnics. I try to talk him down and show him that everything can be sorted but he gets caught in an ‘I’m stupid, everything sucks,’ I hate myself.

I’m so scared. He is on a waiting list fir a play therapist. I was holding off on gp visit, but I don’t know. Yesterday was very bad. He went training, I knew his form was bad and I didn’t want him to go. He went, everything he touched went wrong and he fought with his Dad. He very upset when he came home as he feels he left himself down. Took ages talking and just holding him. He slept and says he still felt bad today. After work I collected him and he was in better form. I said are you feeling better?, he said ‘kinda but the sadness is still in me, i feeel sad so much and I don’t know why.’

I’m stunned as to me this sound very like ‘proper’ depression. I don’t know where to go from here. And as I’m typing he is outside having the craic with his sister and Dad. When husband sees thst he is like he’s fine, thst I’m molly coddling him too much.

Any advise welcome please

We are a lucky family in so many ways but my son seems unlucky st times. School has been difficult due to s nasty person in his class and his 2friends lost close relations (very young) to cancer. We also list a family friend to suicide. So he has been aware of sadness from a young age. Normal enough I know.
Our last babysitter wasn’t a great place for him. We moved them once we realised that but I think some damage was done.
My daughter is just tougher she has much better coping skills. What have I done wrong?

michellie

Sorry I have no advice but I didn't like how you got no responses. Sorry to hear this is happening, I'm sure you must be up the walls with worry. If you're concerned definitely book a doctor appointment, it won't do harm. Hope things work out ok for you x

jlm29

I have nothing useful to say, except that you haven't done anything wrong. The fact that he is at least telling you how he feels means you have done well. Good luck.

Ger Roe

Don't put off the G.P. visit. Seek help and your G.P. is a good place to start. The G.P. can point you in the direction of other resources, if needed.

shesty

Aw OP.

He is reaching a hormonal age but that being said I would not ignore what he is saying.Definitely go to the GP.Given the state of services in this country, I would actually reach out aswell to the likes of Barnardos or other services.Just to try and see what your options are.

I'd also look around and see what literature is out there.There are mindfulness programmes for kids now, certainly near me anyway.You say he is struggling with coping a bit, so a programmme like that might help.There are books for you to read with him about coping,managing anxiety and stress.Also check out the headbombz campaign by the ISPCC, there might be useful information for you in there.

Hope he mananges better, but keep him talking.Always talking.Stay in touch with him.

Wabbit Ears

Us irish hate doctors and hate therapy with a passion but your son needs both. Bring him to a GP and get a referral for therapy. Go private to skip waiting lists.

WengerOutIn

I know this may sound stupid.
But what does he like doing? The sport is fine. But what are his genuine interests.

Also, I wouldn't be waiting on a list. If you can afford it, try and get talking to someone yourself and then come up with a simple plan.

maryjanemax

Agree with Wabbit Ears. Earlier this year I had my young son dealing with severe anxiety and he was crying out for help. Went to GP who provided options for therapy. Ended up going privately as was best for his age. It's not cheap but insurance covered half which was a huge help. She was amazing, got him to talk about things and it really helped to the point that he doesn't go any more. Should there be a re-occurrence we can go direct to her cutting out need for further GP visits.

donkeykong5

Would you consider sending him to drama lessons. When the kids go into groups for improvisement section a lot of pent up aggression and sadness often comes out. Just make teacher aware beforehand. I think this may be your answer.

mammychicken

Hi worried mom, I had this very same thing with my daughter two years ago, sadly I put it down to hormones etc and thought it would pass, I wish I had been as observant as you, in the end I brought her to our GP and she was referred within a very short period to a counsellor in CAMHS, after 18 months I cannot believe the difference in her, please think about bringing your son to the GP, you can ring ahead and explain why you are bringing him but it's the best place to start.

antix80

Try not to crowd him out too much. There's no reason for you to spend your night talking to him and holding him. Give him some space. It's absolutely suffocating to have someone watching you all the time, making you feel ashamed for not being happy.

Loveinapril

OP, you have done nothing wrong. If he has 'proper depression' it is likely to be a chemical imbalance. It could also be a hormonal change and his personality type feeling overwhelmed by life. I don't know where you are on the waiting list for but family resource centres often have free play therapy or adolescent counselling. I disagree with the idea of not "crowding" him. He needs compassion, cuddles and the reassurance that you are hearing what he is saying and are going to act on it to help him feel better. He is a child, after all. Involve him in the solutions- make sure he knows you are seeking guidance because his feelings are really big and you want to help him. You also need your husband to take this as serious as you do, so maybe meet with the GP together first.

popa smurf

As a parent of 4 You are not alone in this OP. I see my own kids and I see them with everything but yet they have nothing IMO. They can't play, they can't use there imagination and they have nothing to look forward to. Like they might get an upgrade from an iPhone 6 to an 8 for Christmas wow how exciting is that. What I did with my 12 year old I started giving him more responsibility made him feel he is coming of age more adult chats kind of man to man chats we started playing golf together going for a coffee together letting him think he is a great help now to his parents and his family . Family is everything here be proud of your family that's drilled in to them every day here and when they go out they won't want to leave the family down.

antix80

popa smurf wrote: »

made him feel he is coming of age more adult chats kind of man to man chats we started playing golf together going for a coffee together letting him think he is a great help now to his parents and his family .

Bingo. Something that won't happen if his mammy is still wiping his bum.
The problem with parents who try to set up everything for their kids (not saying this is true for op but in general) is they actually just do the easy things, depriving their child of the experience and the dignity. So when life throws more difficult things their way the child is inexperienced and anxious and the parent is absolutely useless in those cases.

Op, think you need yo get the chap to counselling and if you're waiting for this on the health board you'll be waiting a long time. I think your child's mental health is worth the €70 or so. Maybe weekly at first. You need to recognise that you can't fix this for him.

zapper55

You need to stop thinking its something you have or haven't done. I'm very glad he is talking to you about feeling lonely, he sounds very emotionally intelligent to be able to articulate that.

I think you should go private asap. The fact that he is very very down and also that he is aware of suicides around him are risk factors. If money is right can you borrow it? I don't think your husband gets how serious this is.

LegacyUser

Hi all
Op here thanks for all the replies.

Firstly I’ve been on a waiting list for play therapist since June. Privately. There was never a question of us waiting for hse. I’ve now put his name down with a second who was to send me details yesterday. I haven’t yet received them and if I don’t by Monday I will contact another one. Going privately doesnt always equal immediate attention.

I went to gp yesterday. My son didn’t as we talked about it and he asked that I go first. Gp knows him. She isn’t overly worried but agree s it’s should be dealt with. She has given me 2other contacts outside of one I am already waiting for.
She will take bloods next week as I’ve always felt his energy levels are a bit all over the place.

Thanks fir suggestions, he tried drama he totally hates it.
He will tell you he has no interests outside off gaa. House is full of books. He lost interest in Xbox last April. Doesn’t turn it on. I’ve looked through messages and can’t find anything dodgy. He swears nothing bad happened on it. Just that he recognized that playing fortnite wasn’t good for him.

He doesn’t have a phone. But does access youtube Netflix’s etc on a shared house tablet.

I don’t wipe his @ss for him and I do encourage independence in a big way. Eg last week he wanted to wZlk to training and he did. In shopping centers he goes n buys his own stuff. Fixes his own snacks and room is quite tidy always.

He came out of school today in poor form and wanted to be taken to buy a new Hurley. He has about 5 so I said ‘no’ he threw a strop because he couldn’t see beyond a new Hurley. And no he doesn’t get what he wants always. He is very used to hearing no.
Tbh if I thought a Hurley would fix it I’d buy all I could. But yes I agree he needs counseling.
Here’s hoping the lists move quickly.

Thanks for all replies.

shesty

Out of curiousity - for my own information - why are you going for a play therapist? I would have thought they were mainly aimed at younger kids?

I'm not criticising, just curious. I don't have any knowledge about the area myself.

antix80

shesty wrote: »

I would have thought they were mainly aimed at younger kids?

I think you hit the nail on the head.

The kid's mollycoddled.

jlm29

antix80 wrote: »

I think you hit the nail on the head.

The kid's mollycoddled.

He's 11 not 21. The play therapists are obviously busy and not stuck for the work. If they felt they couldn't work with an 11 yr old I'm sure they'd have let the OP know

SEPT 23 1989

What are his interests?

Go with the flow

shesty

No I do not think he is mollycoddled.
I am just curious as to why a play therapist over ....some other type of therapist, I suppose.Clearly play therapists do take that age group or else he wouldn't be on a list for one but I didn't realise that they did.

bobbysands81

antix80 wrote: »

I think you hit the nail on the head.

The kid's mollycoddled.

What a helpful post, well done.

bobbysands81

To the OP:

Here’s a list of all accredited Counsellors from the Irish Association of Counsellors and Psychotherapists (the largest accrediting body in the State). https://iacp.ie/

You can check out the skills and qualifications of Counsellors in your area to see if any of them match with what might help your son.

Best of luck.

thenightman

Would be useful to get in touch with Jigsaw, they see children from 12 up and whole aim is early intervention and support for youth with mental health issues. My old private psychologist works for them now, so they have excellent staff. Just another option anyway, best of luck with things.

https://www.jigsaw.ie/need-help/find-a-jigsaw/

https://www.jigsaw.ie/jigsaw_dublin/

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

Twin things


1 - iIt sounds he has set extremely high standards for himself via sport and when he fails to live up to these, he feels abject failure

2 - does he do anything creative nor expressive? Like art or music? Something non-conpetitive.

I feel there's an underlying element of conservatism (father, probably teacher if there s a clash) and a little more freedom and exposure to more liberal thinking and expressive or emotive activities might help. Something a bit more 'akternative'.

Just an idea: difficult to say without knowing! But best of luck with it - he sounds like an awesome kid!

CiarraiAbu2

https://www.hse.ie/eng/services/list/4/mental-health-services/camhs/

You won't be waiting long but will but might need a referral from a gp.

Zamboni

He sounds like all pre-teen males that I have ever known. Myself included when I was that age.
Frankly, I think we are all unintentionally bred for depression.

Three areas that wrecked my head were lack of a purpose, boring routines/school, scheduled team sports.

Things that helped me and may help others in similar situation...
Obviously take relevant from below and tailor based on finances and time.


Purpose/Responsibilities:
Helping others - think along the lines of collecting goods for homeless, gardening for grandparents, helping elderly with computers/phones/tablets/internet, painting walls, farming, growing your own plants/vegetables, pets - animal adoption, fundraising
Jobs - Paper rounds, websites, youtube channel etc., grass cutting

Natural daylight and non-sport exercise:
Outdoors and nature based activity like family hill walking, sea walks, community litter pick ups
Random exciting stuff kayaking, parachuting, horse-riding

Creativity/Hobby and Interests:
Most kids are "BORED" all the time and not interested in anything - generally because they haven't been exposed to a wide range of activity.
Learning about cars maintenance, painting, dancing, acting, music.
Discipline/individual based sports - martial arts, boxing, crossfit for kids


1. Expose kids to many, many types of activity
2. They will eventually find a passion
3. From that passion - find an aim
4. A self instigated purpose will crush depression and nihilist thoughts

Your husband and you both sound brilliant together with your kids. Strong families will make it through this all day, every day.
Encourage him to grow up into the strong young man he has to become and to adopt responsibilities and passion projects.
Good luck.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

Zamboni wrote: »

Three areas that wrecked my head were lack of a purpose, boring routines/school, scheduled team sports.

Things that helped me and may help others in similar situation...
Obviously take relevant from below and tailor based on finances and time.


Purpose/Responsibilities:
Helping others - think along the lines of collecting goods for homeless, gardening for grandparents, helping elderly with computers/phones/tablets/internet, painting walls, farming, growing your own plants/vegetables, pets - animal adoption, fundraising
Jobs - Paper rounds, websites, youtube channel etc., grass cutting

Natural daylight and non-sport exercise:
Outdoors and nature based activity like family hill walking, sea walks, community litter pick ups
Random exciting stuff kayaking, parachuting, horse-riding

Creativity/Hobby and Interests:
Most kids are "BORED" all the time and not interested in anything - generally because they haven't been exposed to a wide range of activity.
Learning about cars maintenance, painting, dancing, acting, music.
Discipline/individual based sports - martial arts, boxing, crossfit for kids

.

Just wanted to highlight this as I think the poster has hit the nail on the head here (especially with regard to variety) - I was trying to say the same thine, but didn't do it as well.

2xj3hplqgsbkym

OP, it sounds like you are doing a fantastic job as a parent.
Ignore all judgmental posts saying you aren’t promoting/ prioritizing responsibility/ adventures/ resilience etc...
Some kids get depressed. Do not blame yourself. You are seeking help and that is what is needed. Good luck.

Water John

Agree with Rosebush, we've had enough 19th century solutions. You've a child that needs help and do what you know needs to be done. You're lucky he's confiding in you.

SlowBlowin

Hi there OP

I was just going to bed but I feel compelled to write a reply here.

I am approaching 60, and retired living with my wife and small boy of 11. We adopted the boy 6 months prior to my wife's cancer diagnosis, and from the start he was angry, moody, sad, and dramatic at times, not helped by the stress with my wife's illness. Following my wife's chemo we moved to Kerry and enrolled in the local school. Things went bad and he clashed with the teachers.

The school insisted we seek help, and we were short tracked into CHAMs. Up until this point my views were that of a "Victorian Dad" I believed all childhood syndromes were mumbo jumo and a clip round the ear never hurt anyone (although I never did).

CHAMs diagnosed ADHD and Dyspraxia, and I was impressed by the professionalism of the people we met. We have since got so much better at understanding my lads triggers, and work with him to avoid them. Life is much better, but it is hard work.

My advice would be to push hard for professional help, because if you can get it, it works. I have learnt that some kids are sensitive creatures, and need help in ways that you sometimes cannot spot yourself, he could be worried sick about something hes too scared/embarrassed to tell you about, but more likely you just can't see it..

My last bit of advice is to ignore the comments on here such as the molly coddling, that was me a few years back, as I convert I can say I was wrong.