How much time together is normal? [thread title edited by mod]

LegacyUser

Quick question, what is normal contact between a couple who work full time that live about 25 kms away from each other, who see each other regularly but that don't yet live together (but will in about 2 months time). This has only become an issue recently. Going out at this stage about 4.5 years.

Is it too much to ask for a text at lunch to see how the other person is doing? The whole busy thing doesn't work for me anymore as I do see him active on whatsapp even if it's for 1 min.

I am starting to think I am being unreasonable and a total lunatic.

I do know each and every one/couple is different.

zapper55

I dont care about lunchtime texts so wouldnt think of sending one, maybe they are the same. Just say it to them that you know it's a small thing but it matters to you. If you are serious enough to move in with each other I'd be worried that you dont feel comfortable communicating this.

How often do you see each other at the moment? Regularly means different things to different people.

Edit: just read your post again and sounds like you have asked them and they dont. Have you asked them why? If my partner asked me to do such a small thing that would make them happy I'd do it no probs.

Is there much compromise in your relationship?

Locker10a

I’m previous long term relationships I’ve texted every free hour of the day with my other half that was free from work, sleep or any other reasonable distraction. It’s wasn't forced by either party, just genuinely we both loved being in as much contact as we could. But I guess everyone is different, i I truly have feelings for someone I’d definitely want to be in contact with them.

jlm29

I would consider lunch time updates on the days progress irritating and unnecessary. Back in the days when I was in your situation (long term relationship, living separately etc), we would have text or phoned most evenings, and otherwise only as needed.
I used work with a girl who stayed in my house some evenings to avoid a commute, and most times she stayed she and her boyfriend would have at least 4-5 phone conversations between finishing work at 5 and going to bed at 11, and I could never understand the need. Every couple is different, but the texts do tend to dwindle a bit as time moves on

zapper55

Locker10a wrote: »

I’m previous long term relationships I’ve texted every free hour of the day with my other half that was free from work, sleep or any other reasonable distraction.

I felt suffocated just reading this Just goes to show that we are all different

It's all down to communication of both your needs OP.

qwerty13

I would not feel comfortable with being texted at an appointed hour each day. It would feel like checking up on me.

I also do get very busy, and might be in the middle of drafting a text, and not send it.

I guess it comes down to do you need daily reassurance. I’d prefer non ‘appointed’ contact, but a more random heartfelt original message

Grab All Association

Until the day god forbid you get a call or a text from work saying he’s hurt, I wouldn’t worry too much about it. He’s at work and you can assume safe and well. Don’t believe what WhatsApp statuses and the likes say either. I’ve dated a woman that cheated on me who used to accuse me of the same thing when my status would say I was online. I’d be asleep and far away from my phone. Signal dropouts etc can cause this to happen.

To add, some people (myself included in this) get completely distracted and forget about our phones.

Had a quick look and there are some apps such as SMS Scheduler that he could use.

Message 1: 12.00: "Hey baby, how's your day?"
Message 2: 12.30: "Hah, sounds great. Anyways, I have to get back to work."

Everyone's happy.

Loveinapril

Are you sending texts and not getting responses or do you want your partner to initiate texts? It should be organic. Myself and my husband would have text a lot (pretty constantly) when we didn't live together but we are people who text. It was natural for us to be in that much contact, it wasn't forced. Even now 13 years in, we go some days where we would chat through texts throughout the day or some days where we leave each other at 7am and don't talk again until we are home.

LegacyUser

Had a conversation with him last night on this and he advised he just forgets, gets caught up with work and lunch is very limited at times. He always answers to my texts even if its 2 hours later. He does have a very stressful & busy job.

I told him how I feel and we agreed what to do next.

Hopefully it works...

Thanks a mill for all your replies.

Locker10a

zapper55 wrote: »

I felt suffocated just reading this Just goes to show that we are all different

It's all down to communication of both your needs OP.

We just genuinely loved being in contact, we both worked in situations where could be out of contact for 6, 10, 12 hours etc at one time. So in between those times we’d always text. I think it probably reduced when we lived together and were both home. But still we kept contact a lot, and it wasn’t a chore at all, if you really care/have interest in the other person you’ll want to be in contact, even if that’s sending memes or news articles

meeeeh

Locker10a wrote: »

We just genuinely loved being in contact, we both worked in situations where could be out of contact for 6, 10, 12 hours etc at one time. So in between those times we’d always text. I think it probably reduced when we lived together and were both home. But still we kept contact a lot, and it wasn’t a chore at all, if you really care/have interest in the other person you’ll want to be in contact, even if that’s sending memes or news articles

That is pretty big generalization. I was never a big texter and that has nothing to do with how I feel about the person I should be texting.

I guess it depends what works for people. It also depends if you are alone on lunch beak or talking to other people.

LegacyUser

There's no point polling others OP as ever relationship is different so what is normal contact for one couple may be abnormal for another. I'd go nuts if my OH texted me every lunch time but a work colleague calls her OH every single lunch time to chat for 20mins and they live together!

I travel for work a lot and could go for several days without talking to my OH. I'm not into texting or calling and they aren't either. If it was something that was important to them we'd talk about it but it's not something either of us do so it's never been an issue. I don't think its a sign of loving someone more or less if you don't want to text them every hour. My dad worked overseas for months and often would only call home once a week as he worked in very remote places, I don't think my parents relationship was less because of that. I dislike when people equate things like this to proof you do or don't love someone.

OP if it's something super important to you then talk about it, you should be able to talk about these things together but don't try and force actions like regularly texting on someone who usually wouldn't do it and doesn't come naturally to them cus what will happen is they will forget, you'll get angry, they'll get defensive and you'll end up in a fight, why? Cus you want a text at lunch time? Is it really that important to you?

SusieBlue

With my ex, I found that if we were in constant contact during the working day, we had very little left to discuss that evening. Now obviously if there is something going on that ye would need to be keeping in contact for, and he's refusing to, that's completely different.

But just "hey, hows your day going?" type messages? I wouldn't see a need for them in a LTR. We would often send each other memes or tag each other in funny articles on FB, but neither of us would expect a reply and we'd rarely communicate unless there was something going on/something specific to discuss that couldn't wait till later.

It made catching up in the evenings, whether it was in person, over the phone or via text all the better as it meant we had each others undivided attention and we weren't distracted by work matters.

I'm firmly in the camp of work being work and think its a bit unfair of you putting him under pressure to be texting during the day when you don't even have anything to talk about.

I would often be showing as "online" on FB/whatsapp etc during the working day, I would usually just be browsing during down time.
It wouldn't mean I'm chatting to people or that I'm ignoring anyone on purpose.

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone...had a chat with him, sorted it out. I was being a bit of a lunatic I guess...what everyone said makes perfect sense.