Housemate has OCD issues

LegacyUser

Sharing a house with three more people. One of them seems to have cleaning OCD issues. We have two WC in the house, a main one with the shower and a smaller one. All rooms in the house is shared.

However there is a housemate who seems to have OCD issues with cleaning. He cleans far too much.

He seems to have claimed the small bathroom as his own. I went in to use the toilet and there were two notes up in the bathroom. One on the window sill hanging over the toilet. In case you didn't see that, there was one on the mirror. The note said "if you use this bathroom, clean your ****". Nobody has shat the place. I can maybe understand, "clean the bathroom", but "clean your ****'. The bathroom was clean, I don't know why or how he was picking dirt and having a go in a passive aggressive way. None of us keep our things in this bathroom which is downstairs, except for him, because his bedroom is downstairs. He just uses the main bathroom upstairs for showering. This downstairs bathroom is clean, there's no mess. Nobody shat the place. There's three more of us who uses the bathroom, are we all meant to try to figure out who's the messy one in us all?

He was just after having his teenage son over from Europe to stay with us for the past 6 weeks and nobody had an issue.
I wouldn't mind if he came to us about the lack of cleaning not up to his standards but to say it in such a passive aggressive way after he had his kid with us for 6 weeks.

I honestly never had an issue with this guy until now and don't know what to do. His notes are still in the bathroom. As soon as I saw the passive aggressiveness in his notes, I walked out and didn't use the bathroom. Who's in the wrong here? And should we be saying something to him and if so what? Are things going to get worse with him, with his entitlement to have his kid over, not just one or two weeks but did weeks and now passive aggressive notes?

Rubberchikken

speak with him

was there conversation about the child coming to stay before they did?

it does seem a nasty way to go about keeping a room clean- dealing with him face to face is the only way to handle something like this imo. things like this tend to escalate if left unchecked

wiggle16

If this was a once off I would take the note down and throw it away and ignore him. He's not so much a clean freak as a control freak, by the sounds of it.

If it's not a once off, say it to him. I lived with someone who left notes and the best way to deal with it is by nipping it in the bud and confronting them. Once he sees that leaving notes and being a díck brings him more trouble than it saves him, he will stop.

- Take the notes down, bring them to him and coolly and calmly ask him to explain them. Don't react, even if he makes digs. Once he's done, tell him that you and your other housemates don't need notes to remind you to keep things clean and have gotten on just fine til now without needing reminders. He will probably say something along the lines of "well clearly you do need to be reminded etc" - ignore this.

- Tell him that even if he felt he needed to leave a note, there was no need for it to be vulgar - advise him that if he can't make his point without being vulgar then you don't want to hear it. Point out that it is very disrespectful and counter-productive.

- Point out how embarrassing it would be for everyone in the house if a guest had seen that note.

- Point out that there is no need for him to leave notes like that and if he has something to say about housekeeping, he should say it to his housemates directly. Tell him that trying to shame his housemates like that is not okay.

Don't bring up the kid staying over, you let him do it and you had no problem with it at the time, so there's no point in making an issue of it after the fact.

antix80

Throw the note in the bin.

Tell your housemate he has no right to put up such notes in common areas without the agreement of other housemates.

ILoveYourVibes

I hate to tell you this op but...

In my experience...and i do have experience with people like this believe me..no one in human history has found an adequate way to deal with people with this issue.

Its not so much the cleaning as the emotive reactions to imagined dangers or 'mess' etc. It can be very difficult to deal with.

The obsession just makes it so they have way more energy that you do to never give up. They wear you down.

If its truly ocd ....you kind of just have to ignore them.

kylith

You say that his son came over from Europe, is your housemate European? Something could have been lost in translation, though I appreciate that notes are never the best way to go.

I know you said that no one has shat the place, but he could just be talking about skid marks in the toilet. It's one of my bug-bears, people leaving streaks of shíte after them; no-one wants to see gick stains, but a shocking amount of people leave them.

Faith

What you have described isn’t OCD, it’s high standards and poor communication skills. It’s incredibly unhelpful when people use “OCD” as a term for normal behavior because it does a massive disservice to people who genuinely have OCD.

Other than that, wiggle16’s advice is spot on.

LegacyUser

kylith wrote: »

You say that his son came over from Europe, is your housemate European? Something could have been lost in translation, though I appreciate that notes are never the best way to go.

I know you said that no one has shat the place, but he could just be talking about skid marks in the toilet. It's one of my bug-bears, people leaving streaks of shíte after them; no-one wants to see gick stains, but a shocking amount of people leave them.

Nothing has been lost in translation. When he first learned English, no teacher would have thought clean the bathroom as clean your ****.

Skid marks happen. It's a toilet. I hate to see them as well but writing notes about it is a bit too much.

We have also had a new housemate move in and doesn't flush after he pees. But that's still not a reason to have a go at all of us. We must have really angered him, not just one note but two because we're obviously so stupid and can't read one.

Dial Hard

Passive aggressive notes are annoying alright but your reaction seems a tad disproportionate too.

And yes, skidmarks happen but they should be cleaned up immediately. If people weren't doing that (or leaving their wees unflushed) I wouldn't be impressed either. But I'd have said it openly rather than leaving notes.

Emme

passivaggress wrote: »

We have also had a new housemate move in and doesn't flush after he pees. But that's still not a reason to have a go at all of us. We must have really angered him, not just one note but two because we're obviously so stupid and can't read one.

I bet this is the problem. It would really annoy me too. If he wants to "let it mellow if it's yellow" let him move into a place on his own.

I would ask the other guy why he put the note up and maybe put together a rota for cleaning the bathrooms properly every day. It might give the "let it mellow till it's yellow" fellow the hint. I presume the rest of ye flush the loo after ye, wipe the seats, use the loo brush when necessary and use loo cleaner from time to time. I find cistern blocks or loo fresheners that you hang from the side of the bowl handy.

ILoveYourVibes

passivaggress wrote: »

Nothing has been lost in translation. When he first learned English, no teacher would have thought clean the bathroom as clean your ****.

Skid marks happen. It's a toilet. I hate to see them as well but writing notes about it is a bit too much.

We have also had a new housemate move in and doesn't flush after he pees. But that's still not a reason to have a go at all of us. We must have really angered him, not just one note but two because we're obviously so stupid and can't read one.

I think you are over reacting to the note.

Its not OCD.

Alrigghtythen

passivaggress wrote: »

....
Skid marks happen. It's a toilet. I hate to see them as well but writing notes about it is a bit too much.

We have also had a new housemate move in and doesn't flush after he pees. But that's still not a reason to have a go at all of us. We must have really angered him, not just one note but two because we're obviously so stupid and can't read one.

So one of you leaves skid marks in the toilet without cleaning it and another doesn't flush the toilet?

I'm with your house mate on this. Clean up your ****.

wiggle16

Mod warning:

Alrightythen, please have civil, constructive advice for the OP when posting in Personal Issues, or don't post.

pwurple

Oh you just need to read this ...

http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

Firstly the kid staying and the notes are separate issues, if you confront him about the latter, you can't really bring the former up. From my reading it wasn't just that he landed the son in without asking, none of ye had a problem with it. The whole "well I didn't have a problem with it but if I'd known you were going to be leaving notes in the bathroom later I might have" line of argument is very unlikely to be productive.

Secondly, while leaving notes in a houseshare is pretty much always a bad idea I can see how it would have seemed best here. He keeps finding skid marks in the toilet, doesn't know who it is, it's an awkward conversation to have so he leaves a note.

When you say he cleans too much, is it just the bathroom thing or has he bugged you with other cleaning things? Any other problems with him? Your reaction does seem a bit out of proportion to me, but I can see how it'd be a classic last straw.

A bit of face to face communication is called for here, can ye have a house meeting? Would it be worth having a cleaning rota or kicking in the 20 quid or so each a month for a cleaner?

I houseshare too and we have a WhatsApp group which works pretty well. It's not specifically for housekeeping stuff, but if issues like this come up for someone they can just say it there. It's more direct than a note, you're not singling anyone out, there's not even really any need to reply, and it's more casual than sitting everyone down at the table.

Ursus Horribilis

Maybe this guy might teach the rest of you some lessons when it comes to basic hygiene. What do ye think the toilet brush in the bathroom is for? Decoration? How difficult is it to flush the toilet after you have a wee? Going by these low standards, it wouldn't surprise me if you said you pee in the shower or leave used tampons in the bin for all to see. Leaving skidmarks in a toilet is lousy behaviour. As is not cleaning the toilet brush afterwards. Sounds like you all need to up your game here.

Purple Mountain

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

passivaggress wrote: »

Nothing has been lost in translation. When he first learned English, no teacher would have thought clean the bathroom as clean your ****.

Skid marks happen. It's a toilet. I hate to see them as well but writing notes about it is a bit too much.

We have also had a new housemate move in and doesn't flush after he pees. But that's still not a reason to have a go at all of us. We must have really angered him, not just one note but two because we're obviously so stupid and can't read one.

I think you are over reacting to the note.

Its not OCD.

When I read the thread title, I was expecting a litany of examples of OCD behaviour.
But two notes in a bathroom that you admit has excretion stains in it's toilet bowl?
You and the other housemates are the issue.

SirChenjin

Faith wrote: »

What you have described isn’t OCD, it’s high standards and poor communication skills. It’s incredibly unhelpful when people use “OCD” as a term for normal behavior because it does a massive disservice to people who genuinely have OCD.

+1 to this. I really dislike hearing people misusing the term OCD. It's a difficult condition that can absolutely take over someone's life - and does not always manifest itself in excessive cleanliness either.

OP, I don't agree with anyone putting up notes but leaving the toilet flushed and clean after use should be a minimum from all the housemates. Time for a chat with all, IMO.

SaltSweatSugar

Yeah I’m sorry but leaving skidmarks in the toilet and not flushing are disgusting and incredibly inconsiderate of other housemates. It literally takes seconds to clean a toilet bowl or flush so there’s really no excuse. I don’t blame your housemate for being thick about it. I’d be pissed off if I lived with people like that.

Irish_peppa

I rent two rooms out and the STATE some people would leave the toilet would be shocking. I actually did leave signs "please leave toilet as you would wish to find it"
I actually noticed an increase in the filth when i put the sign up. I ended up removing the sign and just telling them outright to their face about the state of the toilet with faeces all around the bowl. didnt happen again. i think for anyone to leave human waste in the toilet for the next person is just ughhh:eek: