Husband doesn't want to spend alone time with me

LegacyUser

Hi all. I've been with my husband for 7 years, married for 3.
The relationship has not been a happy one since shortly after we married. A few things happened to him personally in a short space of time. Family illness, a bereavement and he lost his job. He found a new one pretty quickly but in that period of time our very healthy sex life disappeared. He didn't want sex and when we tried to have sex, he was unable to perform.

Time passed and things improved in that department but we never really got back to where we had been. When we did have sex it was over too quickly and I was left completely unsatisfied and he was embarrassed. Our sex life dwindled to almost nothing.
Our relationship was still affectionate and we got on really well. Sex was very sporadic but had improved.
I then found out he was using apps to communicate with other women and sexting. This was because his phone was hopping at night and one night I picked it up and saw a sext so went into the app. These women were located around the world so I believe he has no interest in meeting up with them but it still hurt and felt like a betrayal.
When I broached it he said he didn't see the difference between it and porn and he knows I don't have a problem with porn.
I said this was over the line for me and he agreed to stop.

Mixed into all this is the fact that he has a child who lives with his ex and I have two teenagers who live with us in a small apartment. Privacy is non existent. Time alone is non existent. The teens will be finished school in one and two years respectively. I feel both very smothered and very alone. Smothered by the kids who are very needy of my time and take it personally when I want them to leave me alone (one has anxiety and the other is just about on the autism spectrum)
My husband and I both work full time with schedules that don't compliment each others.
I could be gone from 7am. He might not be home until 10pm. His days off are spent with his child.
The spark is just gone. We get on great and I feel loved but I do not feel wanted.
The last couple of years he has taken to not coming into bed when I go to bed. He stays up watching TV and porn and falls asleep on the sofa. I have woken him when I'm going to work and he's gone into our room. I've come home to find semen stains on the sheets or used tissues (rarely but enough to know he's masturbating when I leave)

I know that porn and masturbation is normal enough but not at the cost of our sex life. But then again it feels impossible to even try and fix things when we hardly get a second alone. We had the house to ourselves yesterday but his team were playing in the soccer so that time ended up with him watching the match in the living room while I sat alone in the kitchen wondering how everything can have gone so wrong.
I don't even know where to start trying. We've had so many talks about this and he promises to come to bed with me some nights and he does for a week and then it's back to the couch nightly. He's promised to stop sexting women on apps and he does for a few months and then goes back to it. He's promised to stop relying on porn and masturbation to at least give us a chance at a sex life but he doesn't follow through.
I don't want to give up on the relationship as he really is my best friend and I love him. But I'm not even 40 and already feel like my sex life is over. I'm worried I'll cheat just out of sheer frustration and wanting to be wanted.
Any advice that might go towards salvaging things?

Dial Hard

AloneInRelationship wrote: »

Any advice that might go towards salvaging things?

Yes, go for couples counselling. You've tried to sort it out between yourselves and it hasn't worked.

ILoveYourVibes

I agree with Dial Hard.