Boyfriend hit me

Clarap

My boyfriend hit me in the back of my head this morning. It was not very strong at all.
I was asking him what time he came to bed and if I woke. I said "but you told me u wouldn't be long" My questions annoyed him.
Maybe I was asking annoyed but it's worrying that he'd react that way
the night before he was so annoyed with me cos I gave out to him for never waking with our child in the morning. It just turned to arguing as he didn't like me complaining. That night He said we're finished.. then he came back to me and made up later and I asked why would he say we're finished like that without meaning it and he said it was just to get rid of me in the moment cos he didn't want to listen to me... so I'm guessing the hit was the same.. that he wasn't trying to hurt me but wanted me to go away but It's not acceptable is it?
I love him and don't want to leave him but I dont want that to happen again. How can I prevent it? It seems the first sign of me nagging or giving out turned him into a monster

Loveinapril

It is not acceptable but if you do not address it, it will escalate. Get onto Women's Aid for advice and support. Domestic abuse always starts somewhere and sadly, that is what has happened here. He hit you lightly. It is testing the waters on how you react. Next time it will be harder. Please contact Women's Aid.

QwertyWerty

Loveinapril wrote: »

It is not acceptable but if you do not address it, it will escalate. Get onto Women's Aid for advice and support. Domestic abuse always starts somewhere and sadly, that is what has happened here. He hit you lightly. It is testing the waters on how you react. Next time it will be harder. Please contact Women's Aid.

Loveinapril has said it all, there really is nothing for me to add.

Caranica

The only way you can avoid a repeat is by getting out of that relationship. It's a very slippery slope. You owe it to yourself and your child to get away from him. Definitely contact Women's Aid and if you've any doubts Google Jessica Bowes who works closely with them.

Sardonicat

So, he doesn't think he needs to listen to you and tells you he's leaving you to shut you up. That's a complete lack of respect and emotional abuse. It's now escalated to physical abuse. It doesn't matter that the blow wasn't hard. He put his hands on you. For 'annoying' him.

You've got to get out if this relationship now. He doesn't give a crap about you. He doesn't want to take care of his kid properly. He thinks it's OK to hit you. Would you want your child to be treated like that by a partner when they grow up.? Think about that.

kylith

What can you do to prevent it? You can leave.

He finished the relationship because he couldn't be arsed talking to you, now he's hit you for the same reason. What will it be next time? Get out before it gets worse. It doesn't matter if you love him, it does not seem that he loves you.

Ursus Horribilis

I bet that if you're honest with yourself, this was a long time coming. He has probably been emotionally absent from this relationship for a long time. He probably hasn't been all that nice to you for a long time, has he? But because you love him and don't want to leave, you've brushed it all under the carpet.

argentum

Agree with everyone that posts on this except on you leaving.
Throw him out if it's not his house and your only sharing
If you need help doing it gets some friends or his family.
Bullies hate family and friends knowing that's what they're like

Paddy Cow

Clarap wrote: »

My boyfriend hit me in the back of my head this morning. It was not very strong at all.
I was asking him what time he came to bed and if I woke. I said "but you told me u wouldn't be long" My questions annoyed him.
Maybe I was asking annoyed but it's worrying that he'd react that way
the night before he was so annoyed with me cos I gave out to him for never waking with our child in the morning. It just turned to arguing as he didn't like me complaining. That night He said we're finished.. then he came back to me and made up later and I asked why would he say we're finished like that without meaning it and he said it was just to get rid of me in the moment cos he didn't want to listen to me... so I'm guessing the hit was the same.. that he wasn't trying to hurt me but wanted me to go away but It's not acceptable is it?
I love him and don't want to leave him but I dont want that to happen again. How can I prevent it? It seems the first sign of me nagging or giving out turned him into a monster

Absolutely not and the fact you are already doubting yourself is worrying. He is grinding you down and it will only get worse if you stay. Like the other poster said, please contact women's aid for advice.

Clarap

Sardonicat wrote: »

So, he doesn't think he needs to listen to you and tells you he's leaving you to shut you up. That's a complete lack of respect and emotional abuse. It's now escalated to physical abuse. It doesn't matter that the blow wasn't hard. He put his hands on you. For 'annoying' him.

You've got to get out if this relationship now. He doesn't give a crap about you. He doesn't want to take care of his kid properly. He thinks it's OK to hit you.

Thanks all. I agree it's highly disrespectful and frustrating for me that we can't communicate issues maturely!!!
I'm not one bit afraid of him but I don't like that I can't discuss things without him getting physical. He's very nice in other ways and we spoke about it today. He said he immediately felt guilty afterwards. I asked him how he'd feel if he saw his dad do that to his mum and he said he wouldn't like it. I then asked why he would do it to me then knowing it's wrong and he said he doesn't think he just naturally reacts to get me away. He said he felt threatened and like he was in prison being interrogated... (rolling my eyes)... I do a lot for him and it's very rare I ask anything of him so he has a cheek. One thing is for sure that he's very selfish anyway. I didn't realise how much until today. He said he wanted to sleep and I was waking him up by asking questions yet he doesn't care that I'm the one getting up to mind the child and letting him sleep!!
Maybe he's spoilt. I told my brother and my brother said he sees he's lazy and doesn't help. He said I should be more bossy with him and let him have his tantrums. He offered to speak to him but I don't want to get him involved. I know what he did was wrong but he hit me lightly with his hand open and not forcefully with his fist closed if it makes a difference.... I told him it can't happen again and he told me not to annoy him again. He told me if I see him getting annoyed to walk away but it's very hard... how can we properly communicate and resolve an issue if I have to walk away whenever he starts to get mad?? Do men need women to walk away during arguments? Is this normal man behaviour when dealing with a naggy partner.?
To the poster who said he doesn't love me, I really believe he does but he's just selfish

Dial Hard

So he's basically told you that if you annoy him again, he'll hit you again.

Seriously, OP, get the fcuk out of there.

Also, I can't believe your brother's immediate reaction wasn't "How fcuking dare he lay a hand on you."

You seem to think this kind of behaviour - not even just the violence, his entire attitude towards you and the baby and the relationship - is normal. It's not.

scarepanda

Your in denial, he doesn't love you. If he did he would at the very least treat you with some respect.

It's not normal to get so mad when trying to communicate. No men do not act like that to get a woman to go away. No, it's not normal to behave like that with a 'naggy' partner. In fact nothing about your post is normal in a healthy functioning relationship. Please follow the advice given above.

Clarap

Dial Hard wrote: »

So he's basically told you that if you annoy him again, he'll hit you again.

Seriously, OP, get the fcuk out of there.

Also, I can't believe your brother's immediate reaction wasn't "How fcuking dare he lay a hand on you."

You seem to think this kind of behaviour - not even just the violence, his entire attitude towards you and the baby and the relationship - is normal. It's not.

My brothers initial reaction was how you said. He said he should never under any circumstance lay a hand on me. He said it's never okay. I had to beg my brother not to talk to him. I regretted telling my brother and told him to give him another chance

Idle Passerby

If you ignore this now, you'll be looking back on this thread in a few weeks or months, when he has hurt you or the baby, wondering why you didn't leave when you still had the guts to. Accept it now and your basically telling him you don't mind becoming his punchbag.

suicide_circus

Leave and move on or stay and wait for it to happen again.

Clarap

suicide_circus wrote: »

Leave and move on or stay and wait for it to happen again.

I appreciate your advice but it's easy to say. We are best friends and have a bond. I was completely shocked that he hit me in the head. I wasn't even shouting or heated so I didn't see it coming.. I just want it to never happen again

Dial Hard

Clarap wrote: »

My brothers initial reaction was how you said. He said he should never under any circumstance lay a hand on me. He said it's never okay. I had to beg my brother not to talk to him. I regretted telling my brother and told him to give him another chance

I'm delighted you told your brother. The genie is well and truly out of the bottle now.

Also, why do you think he deserves another chance? From your brother, or you, or anyone else??? Because he "only" hit you lightly, with an open hand? Domestic violence literally only ever escalates, OP. If you stay, he will hit you again. Sure he's literally already told you that to your face. And by the fact that you're still there, you're telling him that you're a-ok with that.

Ursus Horribilis

Why did I guess you'd come back full of excuses and minimise it all. It's all grand, nothing to see here, move along.

Look, I know you have no intention of leaving and you'll continue to make excuses for him. But please could you do one thing? Read this list from Women's Aid. Having information is never a bad thing.

https://www.womensaid.ie/help/warningsigns.html

You are afraid of your partner.
You are constantly 'walking on eggshells' because of his mood swings.
You spend your time working out what kind of mood he is in and the focus is always on his needs.
He loses his temper easily and over minor things.
He has hit you or almost hit you and/or your children.
Your partner has been abusive in a previous relationship.
He criticises your family and friends and/or makes it difficult for you to see them or talk to them on your own.
He calls you names and threatens you and/or your children.
He is jealous and accuses you of flirting and having affairs.
He regularly criticises or undermines you in front of other people - including about the way you look, dress, and/or your abilities as a mother.
Your needs are not considered important or are ignored, and he makes the decisions in the relationship.
You find it hard to get time on your own. When you do spend time away from him, he demands to know where you were and who you were with.
He controls your access to basic essentials such as the car, the family finances, food, the telephone and internet.
He has forced you to do something that you really did not want to do.
He has forced you to have sex with him or with other people. He has made you participate in sexual activities that you were uncomfortable with.
He has threatened to have you deported because of your immigration status.
He tries to control aspects of your life such as whether you work, and where; who you see and when; what you can spend; what you can wear; what you watch or listen to on the radio or television.
He demands to know the passwords to you email account and social networking pages.
He has threatened to kill you, or to kill himself, if you leave him.

Paddy Cow

Clarap wrote: »

I told him it can't happen again and he told me not to annoy him again. He told me if I see him getting annoyed to walk away

That is absolute bullsh!t and I can't believe what I just read :eek: He is 100% making you responsible for his temper and it's completely unacceptable. If he's getting annoyed it's up to him to walk away. He needs anger management to learn how to control himself. If he is hitting the mother of his child (and it doesn't matter that he didn't punch you) he is behaving like a scumbag and you are not responsible for it.

He is conditioning you to accept his abusive behaviour and both you and your child deserve better. Don't let him treat you like this. You know his behaviour is not that of a loving partner and father. You can down play it like him hitting you wasn't that strong or maybe you pushed him too far but that is not how healthy relationships work.

Clarap

I don't have much experience with many men so wanted to know do people think it's me that causes a man to react like this or that he'd be this way with any woman?

Paddy Cow

Clarap wrote: »

I appreciate your advice but it's easy to say. We are best friends and have a bond. I was completely shocked that he hit me in the head. I wasn't even shouting or heated so I didn't see it coming.. I just want it to never happen again

But you can't stop it from happening again. The only person who can stop it is your partner and he doesn't think it's a problem. He thinks that you are the problem and if you didn't annoy him he wouldn't behave like that. That's insane. All couples nag and annoy each other, especially with a small child. Most men don't hit their partner to put an end to it though.

Honestly Clarap, if you can't see that your partner is the issue here and you would be better off out of the relationship and getting some perspective, then I can only see things getting worse for you. You say you are best friends but even friends don't get physical with each other. You wouldn't be posting here if you didn't know that this is unacceptable. There is no magic advice that anyone here can give you to chance your partner's behaviour. Only he can do that. You can change your living situation though.

eeloe

Clarap wrote: »

I don't have much experience with many men so wanted to know do people think it's me that causes a man to react like this or that he'd be this way with any woman?

Men don’t react like this, immature boys do.

I’d like to see him get this saucy with someone who he knows is bigger and physically stronger than him, he simply wouldn’t, he does it to you because he knows he can.

You might be best friends, and have a bond, but do you want to live in fear every day of this getting worse? Fearing that one day you ‘annoy’ him and he beats you and blackens your eyes, or worse?

Leave, now.

Paddy Cow

Clarap wrote: »

I don't have much experience with many men so wanted to know do people think it's me that causes a man to react like this or that he'd be this way with any woman?

It is not you causing him to behave like this, that's 100% on him. Would he be like that with any woman? No. Men like that chose their victims carefully. He absolutely would not pull a stunt like that with a woman he knew would go straight to the Guards.

You come across really well in your posts and sound like a lovely woman who wants the best for her child and partner and I mean no disrespect when I say this but you must have some serious self esteem issues to even be doubting yourself in this situation and your partner is taking advantage of that.

It's easy for us to tell you from behind the safety of our keyboards to leave and while that might seem an impossibility for you, it really is the only solution. You cannot make a relationship work where one person is abusive and refuses to see that their behaviour is unhealthy. He's telling you to walk away when you see he's getting annoyed, rather than him wanting to sit down and have open communication. He's telling you who he is. You cannot change him. You can only look out for yourself and your child.

splinter65

He doesn’t love you. He probably hates you. He hates himself too. I’m sorry to put it like that.
You don’t love him. You’re afraid of being on your own with your child. Your afraid of the relationship ending.
What is it like for your child watching it’s father hit its mother?
You deserve more than this and so does your child.
Contact women’s aid now or prepare for more abuse and being responsible for your child suffering as a consequence.

cannotlogin

Not only did he hit you, he has also told you he'll do it again!

This is not ok. You deserve better and so does your child. Get out. This is only the start.

Clarap

Paddy Cow wrote: »

But you can't stop it from happening again. The only person who can stop it is your partner and he doesn't think it's a problem. He thinks that you are the problem and if you didn't annoy him he wouldn't behave like that. That's insane. All couples nag and annoy each other, especially with a small child. Most men don't hit their partner to put an end to it though.

Honestly Clarap, if you can't see that your partner is the issue here and you would be better off out of the relationship and getting some perspective, then I can only see things getting worse for you. You say you are best friends but even friends don't get physical with each other. You wouldn't be posting here if you didn't know that this is unacceptable. There is no magic advice that anyone here can give you to chance your partner's behaviour. Only he can do that. You can change your living situation though.

Thank you so much paddy. You're so nice. You sound like a lovely person too, I wish my boyfriend shared your thoughts. You made me see everything much clearer. He does think that if I didn't annoy him he wouldn't behave like that. But wouldn't any woman annoy him perhaps even more than I do? He needs to grow up. Just one thing to add, I know all couples annoy each other but I was reflecting on how I deal with conflict, and when he walks away I tend to follow him because I solve issues by discussing them and agreeing by talking whereas he likes to walk away and never bring it up again which is why I follow to finish it... but it will only turn to a fight. I never want a fight just to come to an agreement etc. But maybe I should let him walk away when he's annoyed (wouldn't solve the problem though would just make him happy)

fineso.mom

I wont add to the advice already given,but I will ask you a question.
If you were in a shop and someones trolley was in your way and you asked that person to please move their trolley...and they hit you like your partner did...would you make excuses for them? A stranger who owes you nothing, but you would expect a modicum of decency and good manners from. And yet your partner who is supposed to love you,hits you when you ask him a question.
Also, I have 4 friends who I have know for over 40 years ...none of them ever hit me. He is not your best friend OP.

Clarap

fineso.mom wrote: »

I wont add to the advice already given,but I will ask you a question.
If you were in a shop and someones trolley was in your way and you asked that person to please move their trolley...and they hit you like your partner did...would you make excuses for them? A stranger who owes you nothing, but you would expect a modicum of decency and good manners from. And yet your partner who is supposed to love you,hits you when you ask him a question.
Also, I have 4 friends who I have know for over 40 years ...none of them ever hit me. He is not your best friend OP.

To be honest maybe I do lack a little self esteem as paddy pointed out. I am happy and I love my family very much but in that situation I probably wouldn't ask a stranger to move their trolley. I'm a bit of a pushover. I do need to get firmer

Paddy Cow

Clarap wrote: »

Thank you so much paddy. You're so nice. You sound like a lovely person too, I wish my boyfriend shared your thoughts. You made me see everything much clearer. He does think that if I didn't annoy him he wouldn't behave like that. But wouldn't any woman annoy him perhaps even more than I do? He needs to grow up. Just one thing to add, I know all couples annoy each other but I was reflecting on how I deal with conflict, and when he walks away I tend to follow him because I solve issues by discussing them and agreeing by talking whereas he likes to walk away and never bring it up again which is why I follow to finish it... but it will only turn to a fight. I never want a fight just to come to an agreement etc. But maybe I should let him walk away when he's annoyed (wouldn't solve the problem though would just make him happy)

Absolutely. If you know he's annoyed and he's walking away to cool down, let him. That doesn't excuse him getting physical though.

Yellow pack crisps

It’s good you love him. Because he doesn’t love you. What you describe is a physically and mentally abusive person. Your child will normalize this also. You have low self confidence because it’s being eroded. One day you won’t even recognize yourself or your life.

splinter65

Clarap wrote: »

Thank you so much paddy. You're so nice. You sound like a lovely person too, I wish my boyfriend shared your thoughts. You made me see everything much clearer. He does think that if I didn't annoy him he wouldn't behave like that. But wouldn't any woman annoy him perhaps even more than I do? He needs to grow up. Just one thing to add, I know all couples annoy each other but I was reflecting on how I deal with conflict, and when he walks away I tend to follow him because I solve issues by discussing them and agreeing by talking whereas he likes to walk away and never bring it up again which is why I follow to finish it... but it will only turn to a fight. I never want a fight just to come to an agreement etc. But maybe I should let him walk away when he's annoyed (wouldn't solve the problem though would just make him happy)

Clarap you are talking about modifying your behavior when you have no need to modify your behavior.
This worries me for your safety and that of your child.
I hope there is someone near to you both who can step in.

Clarap

"Ursus Horribilis, I left in the Ones which apply from your list....

-You are constantly 'walking on eggshells' because of his mood swings
(I am always careful of bringing things up incase he explodes)

-You spend your time working out what kind of mood he is in and the focus is always on his needs. (I do put him first and always try to keep him happy even if it means I amnt)

-He loses his temper easily and over minor things.
(Very true this, even losing a computer game he goes mental)

-He has hit you or almost hit you and/or your children.
(Yes)

-Your partner has been abusive in a previous relationship.
(I've no idea about this)

-He criticises your family and friends and/or makes it difficult for you to see them or talk to them on your own.
(He's always saying negative things about my family and accuses me of meeting other guys when I meet my sister)

-When you do spend time away from him, he demands to know where you were and who you were with.
(Yes and he gets suspicious of who I was with even though I've never shown any sign of being untrustworthy)

Caranica

OP you've asked for advice but don't seem to be taking any of it. There are alarm bells going off for everyone who's read your post and probably for you too way down deep. The problem is, you think you will lose everything by ending this. Truth is it may save your life, it definitely will save your mental health and it will save your child being exposed to a disfunctional abusive relationship.

Please please please read the list from women's aid a few posts back and give them a call.

Read this article, she's a phenomenal woman with a horrific story to tell.

https://www.irishtimes.com/news/social-affairs/domestic-abuse-i-don-t-think-people-realise-the-full-horror-of-it-1.3391288

MissShihTzu

Clarap wrote: »

I don't have much experience with many men so wanted to know do people think it's me that causes a man to react like this or that he'd be this way with any woman?

Short answers to your question:
1. Absolutely NOT!!
2. Yes - if he does it to you, he'll do it to anyone.

Never think you're so desperate to have a man in your life, that you feel you have to put up with this BS.

Your bloke needs to hit the pavement. NOW before he harms you further or worse the baby. (who probably behaves better than the big baby you're with).

Oh - and NEVER leave him alone with the kid. Who knows what might happen if he needs to sleep, the poor lamb and the baby wants to play or is crying.

Protect yourself and your child.

ILoveYourVibes

Clarap wrote: »

I appreciate your advice but it's easy to say. We are best friends and have a bond. I was completely shocked that he hit me in the head. I wasn't even shouting or heated so I didn't see it coming.. I just want it to never happen again

Call the guards and press charges.

When he accepts you did the right thing by having him arrested. Then he is ready to come back.

He needs to realize he could lose everything.

He will also need to attend some kind of domestic abuse program.

I know you want some quick fix and that doesn't mess things up. But your relationship is dysfunctional because he is dysfunctional.

You have to destroy your relationship to build it up again. Your husband has to be destroyed to be build up again.

When you are that messed up the only option to destroy yourself and build yourself back up.

This is a part of him. It comes deep rooted and fundamental.

Any man who changed from this has had to break themselves totally down and build themselves up again.

Personally I think leaving him would be the strong thing to do.

He has to be broken down. Its the only way to lose those deep rooted behaviors.

His core instincts towards women and a woman's role in the family must be reprogrammed. His reactions and beliefs must be changed. His quick reactions have to be more mindful from him.

I don't have much experience with many men so wanted to know do people think it's me that causes a man to react like this or that he'd be this way with any woman?

I think he would be this way with any woman. Also with most men who pushed his buttons. I wouldn't be surprised if he has been in fights etc or has anti social tendencies.

Similarly he hits your children.

You have to prosecute him for all of this. If he ever understands this was the right thing to do then he might with a lot of therapy be able to be in a relationship.

But willingness to change has to be from him.

zapper55

I remember Neyite saying this a few years ago and it really stuck with me. If it's so hard for him to control his temper why doesn't he hit his boss or his colleagues etc? He doesn't because he can control it when he needs to.

He chooses to hit you, to control you. What he said after it happened to justify it is even more concerning.

I'd be worried that the next time he'll hurt you badly or worse. You list out the ways that his behaviour makes you feel but I dont really get the sense from you that its sunk in.

Ursus Horribilis

If he has a temper and isn't that interested in parenting his child, I wouldn't like to leave him alone with him /her either.

Even if he doesn't hit your child, what sort of example are you giving the little one? You've already identified some issues from that Women's Aid list. Would you like you child to grow up believing it's OK to be a bully or that the way to keep things calm at home is not to rise your partner? If your family knew the truth about what's going on in your home, they'd be gong up the walls with worry. Getting that slap was only just an escalation of long - term psychological abuse.

ILoveYourVibes

zapper55 wrote: »

I remember Neyite saying this a few years ago and it really stuck with me. If it's so hard for him to control his temper why doesn't he hit his boss or his colleagues etc? He doesn't because he can control it when he needs to.

.

I agree. But when i experienced it I was dealing with someone who did hit his boss friends other family members etc.

There can be the two different scenarios. The first is he does hit others which is common.


Or the second scenario he only hits his gf. A lot of that has to do with his beliefs about women and lack of respect for them in that case. He thinks women need to be or should be controlled. Or that he has the right to do so. He views her as his property.

The OP should go to the guards either way though.

I know you don't want to leave him etc. But chances are you are not going to be with him in 15 yrs . It will either be a long hellish journey to leaving him ...or you can decide you don't have to go through all that and leave him now while you still have a lot of your life ahead of you.

Up Donegal

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

The OP should go to the guards either way though.

Definitely.

Emme

For the sake of your child go to Women's Aid. Even if you're willing to put up with the abuse it isn't fair to expect your child to do that. It's really really selfish of you to expect your child to put up with that.

If you stay you will find that he hits you for less and less until you're afraid to look sideways for fear of being hit.

I'm glad your brother knows. If you're not willing to leave your partner to protect your child hopefully your brother will raise the alarm.

splinter65

Emme wrote: »

For the sake of your child go to Women's Aid. Even if you're willing to put up with the abuse it isn't fair to expect your child to do that. It's really really selfish of you to expect your child to put up with that.

If you stay you will find that he hits you for less and less until you're afraid to look sideways for fear of being hit.

I'm glad your brother knows. If you're not willing to leave your partner to protect your child hopefully your brother will raise the alarm.

When you come across a parent who fails to prioritize correctly ( ie in this case it should be, yes I love this man, but he’s violent and the most important thing is the welfare of my child, so I’m going to have to separate from him) then it’s time for any onlookers, in this case the brother, to step in and contact TUSLA.
Too many times people don’t interfere in time.

QwertyWerty

Just came back OP to see if there were any responses to the unanimous advice... I know this is harsh but you’re being naive OP.

I knew a woman who was married to a physically abusive bully. She eventually got a restraining order.

My granny said “she’ll be back with him and pregnant within a year”. She was right.

It got so bad, he’d put her in a cold bath to reduce the bruising. She’s dead now from cancer. These things don’t happen to “other people”, it’s just making small choices little by little.

Probably should just take a leaf out of my granny’s book rather than writing this...

QwertyWerty

splinter65 wrote: »

When you come across a parent who fails to prioritize correctly ( ie in this case it should be, yes I love this man, but he’s violent and the most important thing is the welfare of my child, so I’m going to have to separate from him) then it’s time for any onlookers, in this case the brother, to step in and contact TUSLA.
Too many times people don’t interfere in time.

Agree, if OP is willing to tolerate that man’s behavior it doesn’t mean the children should have to. Children always suffer for their parents bad choices.

nikkibikki

I'm actually shocked that your brother is being so quiet about it. I've a fair idea what my brothers would do if they thought my husband laid a finger on me. Or what I would do to my brother in law if he hurt my sister. My brothers ex assaulted him and their little boy and I want to strangle her but they live in Oz and I've never met her.

Look OP, even if you were nagging him, it's no excuse. If he's not happy, he needs to communicate that. It's not your fault that he chose to be violent. He's trying to justify his actions now by telling you he won't hit you if you don't nag him. It's only fair that you both share childcare responsibilities. At least get advice from Womens Aid. They won't immediately tell you to leave him as they know it's not as easy as that.

Emme

nikkibikki wrote: »

I'm actually shocked that your brother is being so quiet about it.

He may not be the type to go down and bash the bully's head in, there are other ways to fight him. Maybe he has been in touch with TUSLA, a solicitor or the Gardai already.

I agree that the OP should go to Women's Aid.

Ursus Horribilis

Going by the way our OP minimised it here, he probably got a very watered down, innocuous version.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

This is physical abuse which will almost certainly escalate. It's not normal, it's not acceptable, it's not your fault. I'd agree with the gist of all the advice here: he's got to go.

And to be honest, even take that out of the equation, or take into account your reaction to it, which seems more fed up than extremely concerned...he still sounds useless. Does his presence in the house actually make parenting a huge amount easier? Does he do his share around the house even?

You're right in that he needs to grow up, a lot of people unfortunately find that their partner is just not up to and not bothered with adult responsibilities. This can manifest itself in all sorts of ways, and with him physical violence is one of the ways. And this is coupled with the other behaviours you've ticked off the women's aid list: jealousy, you having to manage his moods, trying to isolate you.

If this was a productive, supportive, affectionate partner who was wrecked from night feeds and overtime, snapped in anger and slapped you and immediately apologised, took responsibility and swore blind that would never ever happen again, my advice would still be to carefully examine the relationship and at the very least seriously consider leaving. This is a lazy lump who got hacked off at you asking him a totally reasonable question and slapped you, and said he'd do it again under the same circumstances. Seriously, absolutely fcuk that.

This will not get better, it will almost certainly get worse, what stage might things be at by the time your child is old enough to take it in? How on earth is he going to manage a toddler asking him the same question forty times in a row or taking their shoes off constantly and throwing them or refusing to eat or go to sleep? Stop annoying daddy or he'll hit you, he's given fair warning?

I think it will probably will take something else before you'll leave him (preferably kick him out), and I understand, it is very easy to give that very difficult to do advice. I'm sure he has good points and you've had good times, but this is over, one of ye just has to definitively call time and it'll not be him.

Church on Tuesday

You love him but he doesn't love you.

You don't hit someone you love.

Time to step away from this now before it gets worse.