Need some advice

Hugo1000

I’m gonna confess something, I’m completely controlling and possessive and it’s ruining every relationship I’ve been in, when someone speaks to my girlfriend I hate it and I need someway to control it, my nature comes from my parents toxic marriage!
I really need someone or something to snap me into reality and find someway out! My girlfriend is a decent and good soul and I really want this to work and she does too! Just need some help with this and to wipe away the negativity!

Golfwidow

Well done on your first step to admitting that you are wrong. Habits are hard to break. This seems like a learned cycle of behaviour. I’d suggest counseling. Perhaps also therapy. You clearly aren’t happy. CBT might be suggested so that you can learn new more positive behaviour to help yourself and your relationship with your partner / future relationships. Best of luck OP!!

wiggle16

Hi Hugo

Have you ever recieved counselling, either for this problem yourself or couples counselling with your girlfriend?

Changing your mindset is never a quickfix job, it's not something you can really snap out of, particularly if it's a deepseated thing.

leggo

Counselling is your only job here. Check the IACP website for low cost but effective people in your area. You've got a lot of the work done admitting it, so from here just engage with a counsellor and see the big picture in that you want to get this trait out of you and not trainwreck this good relationship. Be honest with them and you can do some amazing work in a short amount of time.

In the meantime, you've got to take a step back with issues regarding your girlfriend. If stuff drives you crazy like her harmlessly dealing with other guys, you just have to catch yourself and bite your tongue. It's NOT an acceptable solution to just load your problems onto her, admit them, then carry on the same and expect her to understand. That's a situation that WILL end badly. You've admitted these issues and that's the important first step, now the work and change has got to come from you.

Hugo1000

Hugo1000 wrote: »

My girlfriend is a decent and good soul and I really want this to work and she does too!

This girlfriend?

"[After my Dad's sudden passing] We went to my parents grave in Kilkenny and I'm in Dublin, I wanted to sit by their graveside and spend time for awhile and she texted me to meet her at the hotel and that she was not waiting in the car and I walked back and said could I not spend a little longer with them, she went mental I mean red face and angry and started speeding down the road, and to make the record straight its a country road so for me to walk to the hotel would take 20 mins on a bad road. She loses it so quickly."

"She mentioned the night before she walked [out] that their is a love bite on my neck and for the record I never have once been disloyal to her and always truthful. But after she said it, I got a little insecure thinking was she up to something, so the next day I was fuming as to why she would say this and we are having a baby together and does she really trust me at all, so thats one of the reasons I shouted and try to have my say and it all started with her saying I have a hickey from another girl, does not make sense and does she even trust or love me at all? She has also mentioned before if I'm having an affair and my sister said afterwards was she planning all this? I love my girlfriend a lot and I never had a reputation as a player or a cheater, I would do anything for this to work out for the sake of my little girls future. But the accusations has to stop now!"

It's really hard to know if what you say in this latest post is the root of the problem or what you've posted previously about your girlfriend is the problem.

Seems like there's a pair of you in it so by all means work hard on your own issues as advised by the previous posters but I can't see a good end to this unless both of you get help, at least for the sake of the baby involved.

whiskeyman

You've admitted it to yourself, but have you talked to you girlfriend about it too?
If she knows how you feel and you are concerned about your behaviour, she can help you and be supportive and understand you better.

As others said, therapy sounds a good option.

Best of luck.

Ursus Horribilis

Hugo, is this the same girlfriend you posted about before? Do you expect us to forget all you told us? If so, please explain why. Your story shifts every time you post. At best you're being disingenuous.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

Please tell me this is not the same girlfriend.

If it is, she seems to have made some headway towards something posters here were telling you was on her agenda: having you believe that the problem is with you. And she seems to have absolutely nailed it.

If it isn't, I don't think you should be in a new relationship right now, you need space to recover. Any issues that you have right now are far more likely to be from that relationship.

bottlebrush

The word that came to mind is 'gas lighting'. You should Google it and learn how it refers to controlling behaviour and see if there are instances of where she may be gaslighting you.
you may not in fact be the controlling one at all given what you have told us about her in your previous thread assuming she is the same girlfriend.

ILoveYourVibes

Well I have a personal theory. Its part of a personality.

How about you put all that energy into controlling things you can control do something healthy with it?


Perspective is the key to release.

If you have a thing happens that triggers you put it in perspective. So your GF talked to someone ....in the greater scheme of things and your relationship is that meaningful?

The key to letting go is putting things in perspective on a daily basis. Plus it makes you stop and think instead of reacting.

You have identified a root emotional issue in your background. Making peace with and understanding your parents might help.

I feel like your post is a REALLY positive one OP well done!