Bad vibes

suelue

Ive always had bad luck with men, I attract men that are very controlling, possessive and abusive.
After my last relationship I took a big long break from dating so that I could rebuild my self esteem, find comfort being by myself and mature a little.

I reentered the dating scene but still I consistently attracted these same types of people, in the beginning they seem nice, its not only me who thought so but my friends thought so too and would encourage me to keep dating them.

I always want to take things slow and really get to know someone before taking things further, I never jump into relationships or sex and im very guarded after previous experiences, this makes no difference in the people I attract, infact it's made things worse as the men I date now seem to become angry very early on when they dont get what they want.

They soon start messaging me 12 hours a day everyday, get annoyed when I dont reply immediately, try to rush things, question who I speak too, where I go, show up at places they think I might be, get annoyed at me for going home before they want me too, ive had to send a photo of myself at home to a man I had been dating for just over a month as he didnt believe that I went home after our date, we'd only met each other about 6 times.

They would insult me to get me to do what they want, get angry at me and when I tried to end things they would become very angry, sometimes spread rumors, refuse to accept that we were no longer dating, send me nasty text messages etc.

I stand up for myself but this only seems to anger them more. We never progress to being in a relationship as I always end it before it comes to that because of their controlling and possessive behavior.

Im very much aware of the red flags now and although I usually give men the benefit of the doubt and give it a few days or weeks to see how things progress and find out what theyre like, a new guy ive met has been giving me bad vibes already and I dont know what to do, should I give him the benefit of the doubt or run now. He hasnt done anything extremely bad but the way he is, I can only see that getting worse as the weeks go by.

We met on a night out - he wasnt drinking, I was, it seemed like he was in the club by himself, he just came over and started dancing with me, he had his car, he insisted on dropping me home but I refused, he continued asking me to take a lift from him but I said no so he finally accepted my answer and walked with me up the road a bit, as we were walking I got very bad vibes from him and I dont know why, it was like I just wanted to get away from him, didnt feel safe, he didnt do or say anything, we were just talking about work and stuff, I think what gave me the bad vibes where the fact he was in a club on his own, not drinking, hitting on drunk girls, his insisting on getting me to go with him in his car - red flags but thought maybe im over thinking it.

We chatted a bit then I told him I was going my own way, he took my number. Rang me a couple of times as I was going home but I didnt answer.
The next day he text me asking to meet him, I said I couldnt I was hungover, he kept asking, said he'd pick me up, I refused, he seemed to get a little annoyed at me, told me I was being dramatic but said it was fine and left it at that.
Didnt hear from him again until today, we texted a bit then he said he was taking me to a gig in another town an hour from here tonight and that he would drive. I said I couldnt go, got a text off him a while later saying sorry he should have asked first and can I meet him tomorrow.

I dont know if im just over reacting because of bad experiences or should I trust my gut and not meet him?

Any advice?

Fluorescence

I'd definitely trust your gut on this one. The bit about him trying to drive you home from the club when he didn't know you is a bit much, let alone everything else. If you really liked him and wanted to take things further, I'd definitely have a convo with him asap about boundaries... But tbh I don't think with this guy I personally would bother. Trust your gut.

eviltwin

Run. He sounds extremely dodgy. There is no way I would get into the car of a man I don't know especially one who tries to pressure me to do so. If he can't see why that would be alarming to a woman he's an idiot.

You're not being overly dramatic not to trust someone you don't know

Augme

Have you gone to counselling after the last experiences? If not, I'd highly recommended. Based on what you have said so far it seems clear to me you aren't ready for dating yet as your self esteem is still it where it needs to be.

As above, run from this guy and keep working on yourself.

suelue

Thanks I just dont know as he seems very nice in person.

Ive been to counselling a few times but didnt find it very helpful.

Augme

suelue wrote: »

Thanks I just dont know as he seems very nice in person.

Based on what? His refusal to listen to what you want or care about what you want? His inability to understand the word no? How he behaves like a child when he doesn't get his way?

I honestly don't know where you are getting the impression he is a nice person.

Sittingpretty

Why did you give your number to someone that you “just wanted to get away from”?

I’d run a mile from the type of man you are describing.

Rubberchikken

none of the men youve describe sound like people anyone should have anything to do with.

maybe going to counselling again might help you to see things clearer.

are you unconsciously sending out a message to these types?
men who prey on vulnerable women can sense them a mile off.

youve done great to trust your gut with this latest one and you sound like a person who deserves a decent relationship. there are good men out there, you just might need a hand to filter them out.
good luck

Ursus Horribilis

suelue wrote: »

Thanks I just dont know as he seems very nice in person.

Ive been to counselling a few times but didnt find it very helpful.

Maybe try a different counsellor? Some are better than others. Despite all the steps you've taken so far, you seem to be still attracting the wrong sort of men. And your judgement is still a bit off. Why did you give this guy your number despite him giving you bad vibes? And where were your friends while all this was happening? Did they know you were leaving with this fella?

bitofabind

There's all types of wrong uns out there and you are absolutely not in any way responsible for anyone else's behaviour, but the common denominator here is you. If this keeps happening, it's time to start asking why.

Do a bit of research around boundaries and how to develop healthy boundaries with the people you meet in life. Boundaries are basically about being clear on what's ok and what's not ok behaviour. They're about not subjecting yourself to the abuse of other people. Have a look into Brene Brown, download her books on Audible and listen to any podcast episodes you can find with her - she's a game changer on this stuff.

You are absolutely right to trust your gut - it rarely will lead you astray, but having stronger boundaries will prevent things like this from happening:

suelue wrote: »

as we were walking I got very bad vibes from him and I dont know why...

We chatted a bit then I told him I was going my own way, he took my number.

You saw the red flags and you gave him your number anyway. He was instantly overbearing and pushy by text, you continued to engage with him. That's a green light for him to continue to inflict his bad vibes on you and to continue to violate your boundaries - you accept it as normal, take the abuse, your self-esteem dips and you keep getting more of the same.

It's one thing knowing about what drives your behaviour and another thing to actually try and change it. That's where therapy is vital - absolutely vital. You need to do a lot of hard work if you really want to change. CBT can be great here, it gives you tools to stop and think during your day, to evaluate and to respond to situations with a rational rather than an emotional mind.

Lots of people run into the wrong therapist, say it "doesn't work" and call it a day. Work harder at it. It absolutely does if you find someone you're comfortable with and stick with it.

suelue

Thanks everyone
Yes in hindsight giving him my number wasnt the best move, we had sat and chatted in a public space before I gave it to him and with the combination of drink my guard was down and I gave it to him when he asked, thinking there was no harm and its not like I was giving him my address or accepting the lift and I could always just stop replying to him or text him that I wasnt interested if I felt I didnt like him.
I also havnt met up with him at all since then and only texted him briefly, just polite chats, nothing more which lasted a couple of minutes, he just came across quite confident and sure of himself rather than creepy and pushy, like he really wanted me to meet him but then backed off when I said no the second time.
Ive been to a few counselors over the years but just dont think it works for me, I talked about myself, really opened up and never felt I got much feedback from the counselors, they just told me what I already knew, I stuck with it for ages and tbh after the last counselor I gave up on it, he wasn't really listening to me.

Caranica

Block his number and move on. If he knows where you live I'd be inclined to only go out with company. This guy is weird! Weird can equal dangerous. Don't take the chance

suelue

Caranica wrote: »

Block his number and move on. If he knows where you live I'd be inclined to only go out with company. This guy is weird! Weird can equal dangerous. Don't take the chance

He doesnt know where I live.

Ursus Horribilis

A good counsellor should challenge you and make you feel a bit uncomfortable. Not just sit there and nod.

If you don't want to go the counselling route for now, do you have any friends you could talk to? Someone you trust enough to give you an honest assessment of where you're going wrong. Someone like this guy has set my "weirdo-ometer" into overdrive, yet you gave him your number. I wouldn't dream of giving mine to somebody I was getting bad vibes from, nor be alone anywhere with him. Are you too trusting?

suelue

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

A good counsellor should challenge you and make you feel a bit uncomfortable. Not just sit there and nod.

If you don't want to go the counselling route for now, do you have any friends you could talk to? Someone you trust enough to give you an honest assessment of where you're going wrong. Someone like this guy has set my "weirdo-ometer" into overdrive, yet you gave him your number. I wouldn't dream of giving mine to somebody I was getting bad vibes from, nor be alone anywhere with him. Are you too trusting?

No im not too trusting, if I was, I probably would have met up with him already, I just doubt myself sometimes.

My friend asked me the next day if id heard from him, I told her I did but wasnt planning on meeting him, she asked why and said he seemed nice.

bitofabind

suelue wrote: »

Thanks everyone
Yes in hindsight giving him my number wasnt the best move, we had sat and chatted in a public space before I gave it to him and with the combination of drink my guard was down and I gave it to him when he asked, thinking there was no harm and its not like I was giving him my address or accepting the lift and I could always just stop replying to him or text him that I wasnt interested if I felt I didnt like him.
I also havnt met up with him at all since then and only texted him briefly, just polite chats, nothing more which lasted a couple of minutes, he just came across quite confident and sure of himself rather than creepy and pushy, like he really wanted me to meet him but then backed off when I said no the second time.
Ive been to a few counselors over the years but just dont think it works for me, I talked about myself, really opened up and never felt I got much feedback from the counselors, they just told me what I already knew, I stuck with it for ages and tbh after the last counselor I gave up on it, he wasn't really listening to me.

Is alcohol involved in many of these encounters with men? If so then address that. It clearly affects your judgement and decision making. For example make a rule to stop after 2 drinks if you're out and likely to meet the opposite sex.

And yeah, you could always stop texting. But you didn't. You engaged him even after all these red flags and icky behaviours. You still haven't cut him off, despite the laundry list of "not ok" things he's done in the short time you've known him. That's where the problem and the solution lies.

You've said yourself you're sick of them and want this to change so take a hard line with the red flags. Let them be dealbreakers. Bad vibes and you're a goner. You're not sitting around and drunkenly chatting all night. Get tough with your boundaries.

Counsellors aren't paid to give you feedback. Their job is to listen and over time to lead you to the answers your need in a safe environment free of judgement. Have you tried CBT? That's more solution-based and a more pragmatic, practical approach to problem solving, if you're not someone who wants to sit around talking things out.

Ursus Horribilis

suelue wrote: »

No im not too trusting, if I was, I probably would have met up with him already, I just doubt myself sometimes.

My friend asked me the next day if id heard from him, I told her I did but wasnt planning on meeting him, she asked why and said he seemed nice.

Our definitions of "too trusting" don't match, it would appear. You left the nightclub with him, even after what had happened. Anything could've happened after that.



Of course fellas like this "seem nice" when you're half cut, in a nightclub and he's dancing with your friend. That's no barometer for anything.

bitofabind

yeah and also, Ted Bundy probably "seemed nice" to most people.

the fact is you got a bad feeling about him and are still communicating with him and wondering if you shuld meet him. you're the one engaging him with a view to dating him, not your friend. and this is an ongoing problem for you. be less trusting and be a bit more self-protective than this "see how it goes" approach despite all the warning signs.

Sardonicat

OP, as a woman approaching 50, let me put it to you this way. My gut has never been wrong. Ever. My head has often been very wrong. Sometimes my gut failed to send out the warning signs but every time it did it was 100% correct. Looking back to the times I over ruled that gut feeling in by listening to my head telling me that I was over sensitive and he's alright really, or listened to friends, I could kick myself. Your internal alarm is going crazy cos you've been in abusive relationships and it's telling you its picking up on something it's experienced before, even if, rationally, you can't put a finger on any specific behaviour yet (although you've named a few here that has me very concerned for you)

What I'm trying to say is, it's OK to follow your gut. You should. Don't second guess it. It won't let you down. Make that your first and number one boundary : gut gets triggered then close things down. That will keep you safe, at least. But I do think you need to explore this repeated pattern with someone. Could you contact women's aid? They may be able to offer advice on the type of counselling you could pursue or even some books you could read that could give you some insight and advice.

You come across as a very kind hearted person. That kind heart should not be exploited. It's much too precious and rare for that.

ILoveYourVibes

I dont know if im just over reacting because of bad experiences or should I trust my gut and not meet him?

Any advice?

Trust your gut.

You seem way too open to people. Its good to be a little judgemental etc. Not so open to strangers or random people.

Rang me a couple of times as I was going home but I didnt answer.
The next day he text me asking to meet him, I said I couldnt I was hungover, he kept asking, said he'd pick me up, I refused, he seemed to get a little annoyed at me, told me I was being dramatic but said it was fine and left it at that.

Red flag. Many red flags.

suelue

Sardonicat wrote: »

OP, as a woman approaching 50, let me put it to you this way. My gut has never been wrong. Ever. My head has often been very wrong. Sometimes my gut failed to send out the warning signs but every time it did it was 100% correct. Looking back to the times I over ruled that gut feeling in by listening to my head telling me that I was over sensitive and he's alright really, or listened to friends, I could kick myself. Your internal alarm is going crazy cos you've been in abusive relationships and it's telling you its picking up on something it's experienced before, even if, rationally, you can't put a finger on any specific behaviour yet (although you've named a few here that has me very concerned for you)

What I'm trying to say is, it's OK to follow your gut. You should. Don't second guess it. It won't let you down. Make that your first and number one boundary : gut gets triggered then close things down. That will keep you safe, at least. But I do think you need to explore this repeated pattern with someone. Could you contact women's aid? They may be able to offer advice on the type of counselling you could pursue or even some books you could read that could give you some insight and advice.

You come across as a very kind hearted person. That kind heart should not be exploited. It's much too precious and rare for that.

Thanks so much for this, it was really helpful.
Every guy that I was unsure about in the past I ignored my gut because other people told me I was being dramatic or they seemed really nice and every time my gut was right and I wished id stuck with how I felt.
Your comment just reminded me of that fact and youre so right, I wont meet him. I was only considering it because my friend said he was nice and that I should just go and meet him which made me second guess myself.

Contacting womens aid is also a great idea.
Thanks again.

Sardonicat

suelue wrote: »

Thanks so much for this, it was really helpful.
Every guy that I was unsure about in the past I ignored my gut because other people told me I was being dramatic or they seemed really nice and every time my gut was right and I wished id stuck with how I felt.
Your comment just reminded me of that fact and youre so right, I wont meet him. I was only considering it because my friend said he was nice and that I should just go and meet him which made me second guess myself.

Contacting womens aid is also a great idea.
Thanks again.

Also, remember you don't have to tell your friends the real reason you don't want to see someone again. You can just say you're not into him. And another word from an old birdie to a little chick: beware the 'friend' who dismisses your (very legitimate ) concerns out of hand.

Ursus Horribilis

Sardonicat wrote: »

.. And another word from an old birdie to a little chick: beware the 'friend' who dismisses your (very legitimate ) concerns out of hand.

Then there are the friends who don't want to rain on your parade and will keep their concerns to themselves. They're as dangerous in their own way, even if they mean well.

LegacyUser

You've got some fantastic advice here, OP. I can only second all that's been said - especially on listening to your gut. Mine has never let me down.

Please block this guy, you don't have to explain anything to him, just block him. He seems awfully insistent on getting you into his car - going on about booking an event that he'd drive you to even?!? Yeesh! Avoid like the plague any man who doesnt listen to your no and keeps trying to push you. They're bad news.

Emme

suelue wrote: »

We met on a night out - he wasnt drinking, I was, it seemed like he was in the club by himself, he just came over and started dancing with me, he had his car, he insisted on dropping me home but I refused, he continued asking me to take a lift from him (RED FLAG) but I said no so he finally accepted my answer and walked with me up the road a bit, as we were walking I got very bad vibes from him (RED FLAG) and I dont know why, it was like I just wanted to get away from him, didnt feel safe (PLEASE TRUST YOUR GUT), he didnt do or say anything, we were just talking about work and stuff, I think what gave me the bad vibes where the fact he was in a club on his own, not drinking, hitting on drunk girls, his insisting on getting me to go with him in his car - red flags but thought maybe im over thinking it.

We chatted a bit then I told him I was going my own way, he took my number. Rang me a couple of times as I was going home (RED FLAG) but I didnt answer.

The next day he text me asking to meet him, I said I couldnt I was hungover, he kept asking (RED FLAG), said he'd pick me up, I refused, he seemed to get a little annoyed at me (RED FLAG), told me I was being dramatic (MAJOR RED FLAG) but said it was fine and left it at that.

Didnt hear from him again until today, we texted a bit then he said he was taking me (RED FLAG if you didn't agree to it first) to a gig in another town an hour from here tonight and that he would drive. I said I couldnt go, got a text off him a while later saying sorry he should have asked first and can I meet him tomorrow.

I dont know if im just over reacting because of bad experiences or should I trust my gut and not meet him?

Any advice?

I found seven red flags with this guy's behaviour. You seemed to get a strong gut instinct when you were walking alone with this guy outside the club. Please listen to your gut.

I would strongly advise you not to meet this guy. He has already shown himself to be controlling and he got annoyed and told you that you were being dramatic about your hangover when you refused to meet him.

Eimee90

Op, your first post was full of red flags about him, but you began to defend him as your posts went on. You deserve better than someone who makes you feel initially uncomfortable. Trust your bad vibes it won't hurt you.

leggo

Can’t fault or add to any of the advice you’ve gotten about this lad so far. It’s spot on.

Just on counselling: you seem to think a counsellor’s job is to tell you something about yourself or give you advice. It’s not. A counsellor is there as a sounding board to give you empathy and understanding, then ask you the right questions to guide you towards finding the answers for yourself. If they just told people what to do, the most likely outcome is that those people wouldn’t listen (like you said, you already know a lot of what’s been said, it’s figuring out a new way that’s the tricky part).

There are huge signs here that your judgement is off OP. I’ve said it a million times here before but look up ‘attachment styles’...you seem to have an insecure one and attract/be attracted to others with insecure attachment styles. When you look it up, you’ll see that the only way to try change this is through counselling said over and over again because it’s true. It’s because the only way you can do anything to change this is to go back to where you developed this (probably childhood) and basically re-teach yourself the ‘normal’, healthy way from scratch. You could try do this yourself but it’s incredibly difficult, whereas this kind of stuff would be a counsellor’s bread and butter and they’d know how to do it effectively. The only variable is if you embrace it and go with the treatment. It’s no different to going to the doctor for an illness, not taking the antibiotics then wondering why you’re still sick.

lawred2

He sounds like a predator

Loveinapril

Fair play to you for recognising that you have a pattern here. You need to start listening to your gut more and stop giving people "the benefit of the doubt" as you keep saying. These men are strangers and are showing you who they are pretty soon into you dating them, yet you don't acknowledge it. Even after the guy asking for proof you were at home- you said you 'had' to send him a picture. No you didn't, he was being an a$$hole. What you should have done is said goodbye and moved on with your life. You owe these men nothing.

You mentioned twice in different posts how you continue (or consider) seeing these men because your friends say they seem nice. Its another example of how you are swayed by other people. Stop listening to your friends- they aren't in the relationship so they can't fully grasp what you are experiencing. Start educating yourself around boundaries and how to enforce them and start practicing! But again,well done you for seeing the pattern and addressing it.

Idle Passerby

You asked why you are still attracting dodgy guys. Because you keep giving them the time of day after you realise they are dodgy! Why are you even responding to texts from a person who demands a photo to prove you are where you say you are? You should be cutting them off well before the alarm bells get that loud.

You kept entertaining this last guy after several instances where you felt uncomfortable and should have given him a firm No. If your friends are so keen to see you with a guy, any guy no matter how uneasy he makes you, I'd be inclined to look for some new friends.

It sounds like you are far too quick to agree to things you don't want. You need to learn to stand up for yourself and not be talked into going for middle of the night walks with guys you don't trust, handing over your phone number to men you aren't interested in and continuing to communicate with people who are downright sinister.

Porklife

Sardonicat wrote: »

Also, remember you don't have to tell your friends the real reason you don't want to see someone again. You can just say you're not into him. And another word from an old birdie to a little chick: beware the 'friend' who dismisses your (very legitimate ) concerns out of hand.

What a sweet post and also very good advice.
You seem so lovely Op. I got bad vibes about this guy just from reading about him. Please do not meet him. I actually hooked up with a guy last year who was in the dice bar by himself. He started dancing with me. I found it odd that he was alone and sober but against my better judgement I kissed him. He turned out to be really bad news. Please listen to your intuition. It's never wrong.