Adoption & Relationships Help!!!

Jameson1987

Hi all,

I am new to boards.ie, I've always browsed through different topics down through the years but I really felt that I needed to join up to get advice as I feel like I've hit a brick wall.

Myself and my partner (who is 31 & adopted) are together a number of years and while we would occasionally discuss it, he never showed any desire to trace his birth family. He liked to keep that part of his life shut away. I could never understand why he never wanted to reach for his birth parents but I never pushed him and was respectful of his decision.

However recently we needed to acquire his birth cert, being adopted his birth cert is slightly different and this seemed to trigger an interest in him to look into his adoption.

Shortly after and completely out of the blue he arrived home from work one evening and to my shock told me that he had sent off an enquiry form to the adoption agency as he felt he wanted to know some background medical information as we had talked about having children etc. and he felt it was important for us to find out any issues there may be but also I think the issues around the birth certificate had awoken some thoughts around his own adoption and where he came from.

I was 150% behind him but I was completely shocked as for as long as I know him he had never shown any interest. Some time went by and he had a phone call from the adoption agency arranging a meeting - We travelled up to Dublin and met with the social worker who was assigned to the case and she was fantastic. She give us non identifying information and at times we both felt like crying with tears of Joy/sadness. I was very proud of him for taking the leap. The social worker then asked if he would like her to contact his birth mother on his behalf and he agreed although stating that he did not know what level of contact he wanted if any.

Fast forward to a short time later, the social worker had located his birth mother after writing to her known address & they in turn had met. She was extremely shocked to receive the letter and like him did not know what to expect. The first contact he had with his birth mother was through letter which were initially monitored by the social worker and then it went to communicating via Facebook messages on a daily basis and this is where the issues began for me.

Firstly I want to acknowledge that it has been one of the bravest things my partner has ever done and I am very proud of him and I am still behind him 100% of the way....but it has also made me feel like I don't know who he is as a person anymore. He has shown incredible warmth and compassion towards her & It has made me feel as if there is now a third person in our relationship and this third person gets his full attention. My partner absolutely hates photos an in turn has very little photos of us both together, my heart sank a few weeks ago when he took a selfie only to find out it was to send to his birth mother.

I feel jealous of their relationship and resentful of her that she has abandoned him as a baby and then she can pick up like nothing has happened.
When I read some of the messages he has sent to his birth mother it actually makes my heart sink because I feel there is obviously a huge void in his life that I never knew about that neither myself or his loving parents could ever fill - something which he even kept hidden from me.

I don't read a lot of the messages as he is very private about them but sometimes he will ask me for advice and it just ends up in a huge argument because I find everything just far too intense and while we have discussed the impact it has on me, I feel as though he doesn't understand. They have yet to meet, I think they are happy just facebooking for the time being, but I worry that when they do meet it will make things worse between us.

I have suggested that we go for counselling but he told me we don't need to and he has never been happier in his life. I am having a tough time getting my head around the attention he devotes to her and it has made me feel isolated.

I do feel guilty for feeling this resentment and anger towards, him, her and their relationship but I am at a loss for what to do... has anyone else who is the partner for an adopted person experienced this.

goat2

I am delighted for him and his birth mother, and yes, he is getting to know her, great
Also you say you are jealous,
But you did state that you are 150% behind him,
give him time, it will all level out, this is a very new beginning for all of you, be happy for and with him.
You have known your biological family all of your life, he is now only starting to know his,
Give him time

The_Conductor

Honestly, all you can do is be there for him.
There is nothing to be jealous of- he is chatting to his birthmum- nothing more.
Yes- us adopted people very often hide the hole that adoption has drilled in our psyche, and try to paper over just how affected we are by adoption.
Don't read anything into the fact that he didn't discuss this with you- when its all you've ever known and you've never discussed it with anyone, its just the norm not to discuss it.

His birthmum is not in competition with you- and you really shouldn't be jealous, yes, she will likely play a part in his life going forwards, if they both so choose, but so too can you- just a different part.

Adoption and how it affects people- even those of us who outwardly appear to be confident and whole people- can vary with various degrees abandonment and/or guilt- and indeed, we can often feel that we shouldn't look for our birthparents as we're somehow being disloyal to our adoptive parents who brought us up- by even suggesting that we should.

The best thing you can do is be there for your partner- he is being open with you and asking your opinion on things- thats great- don't beat him up over it, he doesn't know his birthmum- let him get to know her, any relationship he ever has with her will be different to his relationship with his adoptive parents and different to his relationship with you- you being jealous isn't helping anything, be honest with him, let him know that you support him and be there for him. What he is going through is emotionally impossible to put into words- please don't belittle it- or feel jealous, just be there for him.

goat2

How have things been for you and your partner, I hope things worked out well,
It is great when people that want to find their birth parents have a good relationship, that also benefits everyone else around them

Jameson1987

goat2 wrote: »

How have things been for you and your partner, I hope things worked out well,
It is great when people that want to find their birth parents have a good relationship, that also benefits everyone else around them

I wont lie things have been incredibly difficult it has drove a huge wedge between us & I have even considered separation. He has excluded me throughout most of the reconnection and blames my attitude towards his bm as the reason for keeping things from me. My attitude is me saying something like 'I would have worded that differently". I recognise that its incredibly important to him but so is our relationship & As a spouse I have no place in his adoption reconnection and that's a very hard pill to swallow.

I feel invisible & hurt.