Moving In

Dublin85

My fiance and I have been together for 4 and a half years. We are both in our 30s and e get on great and go on holiday alot together. However when we discussed moving in she said she didn't want to as I work nightshift and she said she does not want to be on her own. Before this she told me she did not like the area of a different place we were looking atnso we looked at a quieter area to live and we also lived together for a couple of weeks and she did not like that house . I am not sure what to do? Any advice or thoughts?

LegacyUser

Don't get married til ye have lived together for a good while, say 6mths at least...the saying 'if you want to know me, come live with me' is very true....

On another note, how do ye see the future panning out, I mean, if she doesn't want to love together cos of shift work, and ye intend to get married, I presume with the intention of living together for the future, how does that get reconciled, have ye discussed options...? Like change shift?

Ursus Horribilis

Well, they say if you want to know somebody come live with them. Going away on holidays a lot is not the same as moving in together. There are two ways of looking at this. One is that she's genuinely nervous about moving in with somebody and neither house is nice. These are simply moving in together wobbles that'll iron themselves out when you get used to living together. The other is that you're finding out that she's needy and high-maintenance. The sort of woman who'll never be happy with her lot but will have you run ragged trying to appease her. You know her - we don't. This is the sort of thing that'll either make or break you. Have you tried to jointly sort these problems out? What happened?

wiggle16

Ultimately it comes down to the fact that she likes things as they are right now, so she doesn't feel like she's ready to move in together yet, for whatever reason.

What is it that she likes about where she is living now? If you're looking at identical houses/apartments, in similar areas to where she lives now, and she's still poking holes, then I would say there are moving-in-together wobbles at play, as Ursus puts it.

What I would tackle otherwise is the feeling like she will be living alone because you're working nights. This strikes me as a bit of a cop out. I assume she is in a house-share, otherwise there's no difference at all between living with you and living on her "own".
She won't be living alone of course, and you already have that shift pattern so she is not going to see you any less than she is now.

It sounds like she is using your nightshifts as an excuse. I know that for some people having a partner who works shifts is difficult, but she's already had that with you for a few years, presumably. Is that shift pattern likely to change after yous marry, for some reason? If not, what's she going to do when yous marry?

It sounds more like she is holding back on taking the step to move in together than her having a practical reason not to move. And that's okay, it's a big step, but it's one yous will have to take sooner or later. I would ask her honestly if she feels ready to move in with you - if her answer is no, ask for an explanation, but without pushing her to move. You might find that she would be more amenable to moving once any potential concerns are understood, or that you might agree that yous are not ready. Either way, you need to ask her plainly to be honest with you.

Or maybe she really is that picky!

Good luck either way OP x

tara73

I think without any further informtion it's hard to say something about her motives.
How's your relationship otherwise? Are you close, ist it harmonic in general or do you argue a lot about stuff/different opinions most of the time for example?

You are together 4 years, I think it's very reasonable to move in together after that time (if you're getting along well..)

All I can say from your post is she doesn't seem too committed to the relationship and her reasons for not wanting to move in together come across more as a bad excuse.

Tell me how

Dublin85 wrote: »

My fiance and I have been together for 4 and a half years. We are both in our 30s and e get on great and go on holiday alot together. However when we discussed moving in she said she didn't want to as I work nightshift and she said she does not want to be on her own. Before this she told me she did not like the area of a different place we were looking atnso we looked at a quieter area to live and we also lived together for a couple of weeks and she did not like that house . I am not sure what to do? Any advice or thoughts?

Tell her you're getting the sense she doesn't want to move in together at all and that has raised concerns for you about her thoughts on the long term relationship.

(Talk to her, not the internet )

Redser87

Is she worried about safety when you're away at night? If she's been in a houseshare before that's understandable. Have a chat about it and listen to what she has to say - she could have a concern that has a solution, or she may just need a listening ear.

Ursus Horribilis

Did she ever live away from home before this? I ask because a friend of a friend lived at home until she was in her 30s. She finally moved in with her long-term boyfriend but couldn't hack living out of home. I don't know exactly what happened next but she moved back home again fairly soon. My friend got the impression that it was the not living at home bit that got to her more than living with her boyfriend. I don't know if they're still together.

Tell me how

OP, I just realized it's your fianceas opposed to GF.

Just my opinion but I think it's imperative that a couple live together before marriage. Refusing to do so would be a red flag in my book.

There's going to things about each of ye that annoys the other. It's inevitable. They are likely to be things ye can get past, but, if not, being married makes it a much tougher place to find that out.

Assetbacked

It would be a red flag for me to be engaged, dating over four years and not be keen to move in. You can't just float along, especially in your thirties. You need to move in or consider parting ways as she may not want to go to the next level.

SusanC10

Strongly believe that couples live together before getting married. It is not easy in this country to get a clean break following a marriage breakdown so people should really have an idea of what it is going to be like sharing a home before making that commitment.

My Husband and I had lived together in a house-share before buying a house together 6 months before we got married. Very glad that we got all the teething issues out of the way before we got married !

Xterminator

Hi Op

i think you should speak with your fiancee and find out what her reasons are.

it could be anything from unexpressed religious objection, to previous bad expereince, to she just loves her own space. I cannot see how strangers opinions can do anything for you except perhaps reinforce your own opinions/beliefs.

So instead of speculating, i think you need to understand why she feels the way she does.