Feeling disconnected with those closest to me

LegacyUser

Hey, just writing this in the hope of getting some advice.

Long story short, I had some drug issues 10 years ago that completely altered my life. I was fairly outgoing before this but my mental health started slipping fairly quickly and I went from a fairly average Joe to getting diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic in the space of year. Thankfully this was downgraded to severe social anxiety after further review but it played havoc with my life and left me housebound for about 6 months and crippled me with extreme panic attacks every time I left the house and was outside for years after. I felt at the time like all my friends abandoned me when I needed them most but looking back now, my withdrawal from life was probably a major factor and my extreme self conciousness would've been difficult for anyone to cope with because of how uncomfortable I was with people so I can understand it. I've gotten much better over the last few years, the really bad panic attacks are nearly non-existent and more manageable when they do happen and suicidal thoughts are completely gone. I still do feel hyperaware and concious and my thought process is still very inward rather than outward focused and this causes a lot of issues in connecting with people and maintaining relationships, I'm still avoidant to a certain degree.

Over the last while, I've tried reconnecting with old friends that I know so long, I can't remember not knowing them. The strange thing is that it's with them that I feel at my loneliest, they remind me of who I was and how much craic we used to have but don't anymore, I doubt myself more with them than I do with strangers or people I've met in recent years. It's when that feeling of not been able to connect with people is at it's highest despite knowing them better than I know anyone else. It's really hard to take because I love them and want to connect with them more than anyone else but I can't because my hangups are holding me back and there's still a feeling of a lack of trust there despite me knowing that we drifted apart because of me more than anything else.

I want to make it work and understand that they need to invest effort too to make it happen again too but I feel like the longer I let things get in the way, the less likely it is to happen. I was just wondering if anyone else has felt this and how they coped with it or has any advice in general.

Thanks for taking the time to read.

ILoveYourVibes

I think you just need time to find out who you are now.

leggo

Okay so this is fairly normal for someone suffering from social anxiety. I’d venture to say that the disconnect you’re feeling is BECAUSE of you thinking about connecting. It’s like being on a date and thinking “I have to be charming/funny/romantic” instead of just relaxing and letting that stuff flow naturally: that forced effort actually acts as a barrier to a natural human interaction. It sounds like you’re constantly evaluating a situation in the moment, watching out for any signs of discontentment etc rather than just being present and enjoying spending time with people. Being present is the antithesis of anxiety and it’s worth working for.

Are you doing anything to deal with that like counselling or meditation? Do you have coping skills (eg breathing exercises) that can ground you when you’re with your friends and start to feel disconnected? If not, I’d say make that your next goal. See your social anxiety as the enemy to overcome instead of engaging with it and consequently seeing your friendships as the issue. From what you describe, I’m thinking that this issue is more just a hurdle to overcome in your recovery rather than a case of you actually not getting on with your friends anymore.

The situation you describe actually seems pretty decent on paper: they’re all happy to be your friend still after all the issues, so they seem like good people to have around who actually care about you, and you seem like you’re doing great recovering from your issues and pushing yourself. So see this as a small speed bump to overcome rather than a case of needing new friends. When you’re dealing with it from a position of confidence and strength, you may realise that yes, you guys have just drifted. Or it may not be an issue at all anymore. But get to that place first and evaluate from there.

LegacyUser

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

I think you just need time to find out who you are now.

Thanks for the response. I agree 100% but I also feel like who I am now is not a true representation of myself and doesn't have to be my future reality either, it's just my current state of mind. I know what I like now which is mostly individual pursuits which is fine but is shaped by my anxiety around people which is why I don't find enjoyment in social settings right now but I know deep down that I love meeting people and doing things in groups. It's a bit like the chicken and the egg isn't it? Do you accept yourself now and hope to grow or do you fight for what you know you want first? The whole thing is a cluster****.

leggo wrote: »

Okay so this is fairly normal for someone suffering from social anxiety. I’d venture to say that the disconnect you’re feeling is BECAUSE of you thinking about connecting. It’s like being on a date and thinking “I have to be charming/funny/romantic” instead of just relaxing and letting that stuff flow naturally: that forced effort actually acts as a barrier to a natural human interaction. It sounds like you’re constantly evaluating a situation in the moment, watching out for any signs of discontentment etc rather than just being present and enjoying spending time with people. Being present is the antithesis of anxiety and it’s worth working for.

Are you doing anything to deal with that like counselling or meditation? Do you have coping skills (eg breathing exercises) that can ground you when you’re with your friends and start to feel disconnected? If not, I’d say make that your next goal. See your social anxiety as the enemy to overcome instead of engaging with it and consequently seeing your friendships as the issue. From what you describe, I’m thinking that this issue is more just a hurdle to overcome in your recovery rather than a case of you actually not getting on with your friends anymore.

The situation you describe actually seems pretty decent on paper: they’re all happy to be your friend still after all the issues, so they seem like good people to have around who actually care about you, and you seem like you’re doing great recovering from your issues and pushing yourself. So see this as a small speed bump to overcome rather than a case of needing new friends. When you’re dealing with it from a position of confidence and strength, you may realise that yes, you guys have just drifted. Or it may not be an issue at all anymore. But get to that place first and evaluate from there.

Thanks for the response and it makes a lot of sense. I've been through the whole mental health system trying to deal with my issues in the past. At one stage, I was seeing four different medical professionals every week from Psychatrists, my GP, addiction counselling and psychologists. I've taken a plethora of meds and have been on Zyprexa, Lyrica and numerous SSRI's but I haven't been to therapy or taken meds in 7 years. I wasn't receptive to therapy at the time because sitting in a room with a therapist or anyone for that matter caused uncontrollable panic attacks and I was having derealisation episodes concurrently which made therapy impossible. I also couldn't be prescribed most meds that aid therapy because of my addiction history so the whole process was a bust for me and I made no progress. I also found that very few people within the system were willing to listen to anything I felt was really important so I found the whole experience of been drugged up and constant appointments rather unpleasant and unfifilling and not something I want to go through again and I've made 100 times the progress on my own as I did in therapy.

I don't know if I have any real coping mechanisms, exposure and not trying to be a slave to my mind is the approach I've always taken to my anxiety, I've become pretty good at breaking up negative loops and dampening any panic symptoms but what is left after that is a lot of foggy self-doubt and extreme self-conciousness when out in public. It's everything from thinking everyone is staring at me judging how I walk down the street to thinking people are evaluating me and everything I say. It feels like eyes are drilled on me 24/7, I realise how ridicoulous this sounds, I know how ridicoulous it is in my own head but breaking it is the hard part and often only a fleeting moment. Things do sound good on paper and I'm happy to have got myself to a place where I have these oppurtunities and am strong enough to try and make them work again and to also have people in my life who reaching out to pull me up to them but feeling good and enjoying myself in the moment still feels a long way away. I guess I'm just worried that they will stop reaching out before that time comes because right now, it doesn't feel like we are close presently, it just feels like I'm tagging along. It's strange, it feels like I'm afraid of being me even though being me is the solution.

This is going to sound ridiculous but might work and also your post doesn't sound at bit ridiculous ,you've worded it very well...could you get it into your head that you don't give a damn about anyone else or their opinions or thoughts or any of that stuff that relates to you, don't look at anyone when you're out and about, just do your own thing and get on with your own life.Do what makes you happy, get up and go to work, concentrate on yourself, tell yourself that others opinions of you don't actually affect you, as you're living your own life and not hurting or bothering anyone else in the process.
Go to events that you will enjoy but if its anything that causes anxiety or that youd actually prefer to be at home on your own couch just don't go ,keep in contact with friends by text etc. and maybe a coffee and again but nothing outside of your comfort zone,just be there for them and keep engaging without anything ott for your comfort.

Don't feel you have to be a certain type of person ,just go along with things you have to do and don't be pressured into anything else.

You'd be surprised what goes on in everyone else's head,don't presume that anyone is "normal",no one is really as we're all different, don't feel you have to conform just do your own thing.

I know I might not have worded this very well but the tldr version is just don't give a f*** about people thinking badly of you, if your not doing anything to hurt or upset them then it's got nothing to do with you, just try and be happy doing your own thing in life.

PoisonIvyBelle

Deleted User wrote: »

This is going to sound ridiculous but might work and also your post doesn't sound at bit ridiculous ,you've worded it very well...could you get it into your head that you don't give a damn about anyone else or their opinions or thoughts or any of that stuff that relates to you, don't look at anyone when you're out and about, just do your own thing and get on with your own life.Do what makes you happy, get up and go to work, concentrate on yourself, tell yourself that others opinions of you don't actually affect you, as you're living your own life and not hurting or bothering anyone else in the process.
Go to events that you will enjoy but if its anything that causes anxiety or that youd actually prefer to be at home on your own couch just don't go ,keep in contact with friends by text etc. and maybe a coffee and again but nothing outside of your comfort zone,just be there for them and keep engaging without anything ott for your comfort.

Don't feel you have to be a certain type of person ,just go along with things you have to do and don't be pressured into anything else.

You'd be surprised what goes on in everyone else's head,don't presume that anyone is "normal",no one is really as we're all different, don't feel you have to conform just do your own thing.

I know I might not have worded this very well but the tldr version is just don't give a f*** about people thinking badly of you, if your not doing anything to hurt or upset them then it's got nothing to do with you, just try and be happy doing your own thing in life.

I agree with this wholeheartedly. It's natural to feel you have to be or act a certain way to be "normal" when you feel you've been acting erratically up until recently. But it's important that you find out what "normal" means for you. And it could be exactly what's outlined above. And there is not one single thing wrong with that.

Take it easy on yourself. You just need to figure out who you are again.

Rubberchikken

in that time and with what youve experienced youve changed as a person and a friend imo

i think.its good you want to connect with tjese old friends but maybe it would be better to move on and make new friends.
you can still be friendly with pwople from your past but everyone changes to some degree.