What to do?

lollsangel

Was in a relationship for 11 years. Twin 10 years olds.

The past year and a half were hell, between dealing with my mums depression, losing my aunt and uncle to cancer, trying to support family members....one row the time of the bad snow caused himself to say he couldnt keepp doing this ( i wasnt aware of any problems ) i asked him for 6 months to try sort it but i never figured out exactly what went wrong. Ultimately he decided to split with me last oct...told me in jan he was in a relationship with a family friend frim home that had been trying to help us sort our problems.

I lost my gran this year who i helped care for.

He has helped me through this, has stayed in the family home with me and the kids. We share a life together just not a relationship. This other woman he has met her 5 times since they got together but I really dont know what to do.

I still love him, plus if i was to ask him to leave i would have absolutely no life outside my kids, their activites and work. I have a fairly full and busy life but just want to be loved.

Redser87

God that's a tough one. You've had a really hard time of it. I'm so sorry for the loss of your aunt, uncle and gran. I don't know what to advise - does he want to continue seeing this woman? Am I right that he lives with you - how about bills etc, could you manage financially without him?

lollsangel

Redser87 wrote: »

God that's a tough one. You've had a really hard time of it. I'm so sorry for the loss of your aunt, uncle and gran. I don't know what to advise - does he want to continue seeing this woman?

He thinks he loves her....however i think shes just an escape if that makes sense...i can manage prefectly fine financially without him....however i work shift, our daughter will nor stay with anyone but us, ive managed 2 get them to do 1 sleepover in my parents house since theyve been born without us.

Lapis Luzali

Sorry to hear this OP, what a terrible time youve had, the saying is true when it rains and pours and life has a way of kicking you when youre down. For whatever reason, sometimes we go through a domino effect of negative events and it's like one bad event after another. All of these things that are happening and have happened are outside of your control theres nothing youre doing or could have done to make them happen or stop them from happening, all you can do is ride the storm, look after yourself as much as you can and keep hope, things will change for you eventually, it could take a month it could take 5 years but there'll be an end to this bad patch at some point and you'll come out ready start a new and fulfilling life for yourself, just hold on and keep going, put yourself and your kids first and keep your mental health and body healthy. Its the little things that help, good diet, exercise, treat yourself now and again, routine, embrace change as much as you can, its difficult now but it wont be forever. Keep going.

BuboBubo

lollsangel wrote: »

He thinks he loves her....however i think shes just an escape if that makes sense...i can manage prefectly fine financially without him....however i work shift, our daughter will nor stay with anyone but us, ive managed 2 get them to do 1 sleepover in my parents house since theyve been born without us.

Sorry to read this op, even if you think she's just an "escape" it's irrelevant if he has chosen to leave. If he stays, will life be even more difficult?

Could both of you sit down and talk to your 10 year old twins, explaining you have split up and they will need to stay with their grandparents occasionally as you work shifts? Could their father take them while you're on nights? (I don't know your shift pattern).

antix80

Op, I think you spent too much time being a martyr for your extended family that you neglected your own marriage. I can see why your husband rejected your arbitrary request for an extra 6 months of unhappiness.

"absolutely no life outside my kids, their activites and work" - don't be a martyr for your kids either. Seriously, get it together. Have a few interests yourself and spend time with your husband. It sounds like you're using other people as a crutch.. you need to be needed.

jimgoose

OP, your family members' issues are pervading the house and making life impossible and exhausting for your partner. You need to stop pandering to everyone else's issues and needs 24/7 - including the children - and have a life with your partner. I know exactly what I'm talking about, something similar ended a 15-year relationship I was in three years back.

qwerty13

What struck me is that there doesn’t ever seem to have been much time for your relationship with your husband to develop: twins born approx 1 year after the relationship started, and certainly recently there seems to have been myriad issues that you’ve been giving your time and energy to. And then shift work. It just sounds like you two were spending no time together, is that the case? Because that’s a big problem.

I don’t know whether you can salvage your marriage, but can you work on stopping being so available for everyone else? And why won’t your daughter do sleepovers - I thought most kids love to do this. It just isn’t right that you’d have no life outside of work or kids. Have you lost touch with friends, or are you spending so much time with your extended family and kids that there’s nothing left?

lollsangel

Our twins were born 16 months into our relationship. They were a big surprise seeing as I thought Id never conceive. Up to 18 months ago we seemed rock solid.

I have backed away from a lot of the other aggro a good while back. For my own sanity i had to as my mum especially was draining.

I do go out, i do have my own interests, however without him in the picture I would have no social life as his parents and family live aboard, im the only sibling in ireland. My parents warch the kids when our shifts clash, and dont particularly want to watch them much more than that.

My daughter is currently awaiting accessment for additional needs and is very attached to me

lollsangel

antix80 wrote: »

Op, I think you spent too much time being a martyr for your extended family that you neglected your own marriage. I can see why your husband rejected your arbitrary request for an extra 6 months of unhappiness.

"absolutely no life outside my kids, their activites and work" - don't be a martyr for your kids either. Seriously, get it together. Have a few interests yourself and spend time with your husband. It sounds like you're using other people as a crutch.. you need to be needed.

No he accepted the 6 months to sort it out but this other woman was messenging him the whole time through. I dont use anyone as a crutch, and if you read the op i said of he was to leave i would have no life.

ILoveYourVibes

You can try and give it some time. With all the stresses behind you it might be easier for you to be yourself again etc. And he might see things differently. All that drama is bound to make things just horrible for everyone.

Don't pressure him. Keep communicating etc. Have a talk again in three months about it. Tell him how much you need him.

Not sure if this is a good idea or not Maybe others can weight in.

But the other woman?? could you dear Jolene her?? I mean tell her this.

I know you are not a bad person. But could you out of the kindness of your heart give our marriage a chance ? I love my husband. you could have any man ..i can only have him ..etc.

Really lay it on thick. guilt her.

It could backfire though. If she tells him. But if you fight for him ...he might be flattered.

See what other people say about this though. I would be interested to here. It could be an awful idea.

But if you want him ...you have to fight for him. Only in a smart way.

I think you need to need him not because you would have no life without him..but he might need you to need him because he is him.

Also you need a life...even if he leaves...it will improve your relationship.

zapper55

Op I am so sorry to hear that. Unfortunately he has checked out of the marriage. It may be permanent, it may not. For your own happiness and mental health you need to get back some.of your self respect. Your husband is openly cheating on you and that is so damaging to you mentally and emotionally.

It sounds like it's been very tough for you both but you havent started an affair just because things were rough.

You need to look outside your family to mind them. Even to get a part time au pair for when your shifts clash. You say that they wont be minded by anyone else but kids are incredibly resilient. You need to try. And you need to get a bit selfish. What message does it give to your kids if you are a martyr? You deserve your own happiness. Whether that's with your husband or not.

When childcare arrangements are sorted and you have some headspace for yourself you could suggest marriage counselling to him but when you see things clearer you may decide that someone who cheats on you doesnt deserve you.