Why do men approach some women and not others?

Airyfairy12

Not sure if this is the right forum but im just interested in male perspective, its just been something ive been giving some thought lately.

Im 30, female. I have always been told that im attractive, I take good care of myself and men have often told me im pretty. I dont think im that attractive but I can make self look decent when I make the effort.

When I go out, men will look at me, comment when I walk past but never ever approach me, Ive never been approached at a bar, no guy has ever come up and asked for my number or anything else, they will come up, tell me im pretty or looking well, I smile and say thank you and it goes no further, they either walk away or dont engage conversation, which is fine, it's not something that ever bothered me and I appreciate the compliment.
I have had situations were men have befriended me with the intention of it leading to more but they would never ask me on a date or tell me straight out what it is they want. I also have no problem getting dates but its usually through tinder or in a situation where the guy is a friend of a friend.

Then theres my friends, who I think are very pretty, they get complimented by men but men also come up to them, offer to buy them drinks, ask if theyre single and try to talk to them.

My friends on tinder get all sorts of weird messages from guys, I never get anything but nice compliments and how are you's?
I appreciate and im thankful not to get the overly sexual or crude or weird messages, and obviously id never respond to those types of comments but I dont understand why men act differently towards me than they do my friends? Im friendly, im also quiet enough but still chatty and open,
Im just curious, what stops men from approaching some women and not others?

donalabu

Hi Airyfairy
Some girls are more approachable, smile more and can make it easier for lads to strike up conversation. If girls are in a large group it would be harder for a guy to approach. Some girls make eye contact make a comment when a guy walks past etc. You might have to do the approaching yourself, like my wife done. I would have been shy when I was younger, but you get more confident. This is no slight on you by the way, some girls are more outgoing, open, better at keeping a conversation. It same for guys, my mates were alot better at chatting up the girl than me.

H3llR4iser

Extremely interesting question - to which I don't think there is a straight answer, to be honest. The way you described it, you DO get approached ("hey, you look great!" IS an approach), it's just that it dies there; I've found this to be the case most of the times - I do have a couple of female friends, objectively quite on the pretty side, who basically claim the same "I never get approached" - or worse, they complain that if they're with any other woman, guys always talk to the other lady and not her. In reality once you start digging (or observing if you're somewhere together) what happens is exactly what you described - they DO get approached, but it stays at the initial contact that is taken no further.

Now, as a guy when you approach a woman in any random setting, the possible outcomes can be narrowed down to three:

A - She behaves like a childish arse and mocks / berates you for daring to talk to her
B - She replies very politely, but doesn't engage in further conversation and you just get it you're not welcome
C - She engages in conversation and it takes from there

I think, with this in mind, it's already quite clear where I'm going, but let's inject a bit of humor into the situation: you know, fact is most of us are absolutely rubbish at "reading the signs". You'll have lads even coming in here claiming that they're ace womanizers, can pick up on any small flick of the hair and whatnot, but most of they are just boasting. The reality is more often similar to this:



So, in a nutshell - probably your smiling and waiting for him to keep talking is interpreted as "right, I hear you. I don't want to be an horrible twat to you, but now leave me alone". It's pretty much what most of us are used to getting time and time again. Thanks, but go away now.

Maybe, next time try with "Oh, thank you...what's your name?" and see what happens. Anything that is an opening, something he can follow up to. I know it's not easy - I've had (rarely, ofc!) the reverse situation happening to me, being somewhere with some workmates or friends and having some lady making a comment (the oddest of them all "you smell nice!") which took me completely by surprise, so I just stood there like a complete doofus saying "Thanks!" and smiling like some sort of paralysis had taken me over

seamus

H3llR4iser wrote: »

So, in a nutshell - probably your smiling and waiting for him to keep talking is interpreted as "right, I hear you. I don't want to be an horrible twat to you, but now leave me alone". It's pretty much what most of us are used to getting time and time again. Thanks, but go away now.

Maybe, next time try with "Oh, thank you...what's your name?" and see what happens.

This.

I appreciate that if he has come up and talked to you, it seems like he's the one who should be making the effort to push the conversation, but realistically everyone is struggling and trying their hardest. So make an effort to stoke up some conversation. The art of conversation is not just about giving the other person room to say stuff, but about providing feedback that the other person can react to.

Also, women will have a far higher success rate when they make the first move than standing around waiting for men to come up to you. So if you see someone you like or you've caught someone looking over and they're not approaching you, then make the first move.

punisher5112

Computer games and the internet isn't helping such as social media.... Nobody knows how to play the game anymore.....

Church on Tuesday

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

Not sure if this is the right forum but im just interested in male perspective, its just been something ive been giving some thought lately.

Im 30, female. I have always been told that im attractive, I take good care of myself and men have often told me im pretty. I dont think im that attractive but I can make self look decent when I make the effort.

When I go out, men will look at me, comment when I walk past but never ever approach me, Ive never been approached at a bar, no guy has ever come up and asked for my number or anything else, they will come up, tell me im pretty or looking well, I smile and say thank you and it goes no further, they either walk away or dont engage conversation, which is fine, it's not something that ever bothered me and I appreciate the compliment.
I have had situations were men have befriended me with the intention of it leading to more but they would never ask me on a date or tell me straight out what it is they want. I also have no problem getting dates but its usually through tinder or in a situation where the guy is a friend of a friend.

Then theres my friends, who I think are very pretty, they get complimented by men but men also come up to them, offer to buy them drinks, ask if theyre single and try to talk to them.

My friends on tinder get all sorts of weird messages from guys, I never get anything but nice compliments and how are you's?
I appreciate and im thankful not to get the overly sexual or crude or weird messages, and obviously id never respond to those types of comments but I dont understand why men act differently towards me than they do my friends? Im friendly, im also quiet enough but still chatty and open,
Im just curious, what stops men from approaching some women and not others?

OP you do get approached by men.

How is you body language when men start talking to you? Human beings can kinda pick up through body language if someone likes them, either romantically or otherwise as we communicate all the time through non verbal communication. Do you lean in to listen to what the man has to say? do you maintain eye contact? If a man asks you what your name is and you answer, do you respond in kind?

If a man sees some closed off body language, even if you are friendly he will be put off. It can be a tricky thing and you could and most likely are doing it subconsciously. If you are asked your name always ask for his back. A lot of men, including me, consider this as a genuine sign of interest of some sort . For men it's like a big green 'Go' sign to strike up further conversations and rapport. Then just take it from there and ask plenty questions, again if you are interested enough, this will all come naturally.

TuringBot47

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

Then theres my friends, who I think are very pretty, they get complimented by men but men also come up to them, offer to buy them drinks, ask if theyre single and try to talk to them.

Sometimes it's a matter of confidence on both sides.
Confident women will talk more, laugh more, make more eye contact with men, show more open body language, dress to show off their figure etc. They advertise themselves in an unconscious way.
I've known women who lack confidence, who can dress up but it nearly seems like they're dressing for a job interview than a night out.

Men can lack confidence too. There's a lot of pressure on men to be the ones putting their ego on the line to approach women.
It nearly seems like a reality talent show and if the women isn't interested they're immediately voted off.
Repeat that a number of times, then imagine that men are equally emotional beings to women.

But you say you have been approached.
How you respond to that can dictate if the interaction goes further.
If you smile at them, face them directly and try to keep the conversation going that definitely helps. But if it seems like you expect the man to do all the work, try to entertain you and impress you and keep the conversation going then that will be read as a "not interested sign".

There's also a part of me that thinks that maybe you're the "in" to the group.
That men might see you as the quiet one to talk to, to get talking to the rest of your friends group. But if you are confident, you take control of the conversation and the guy gets interested you in.

I think you should look to your female friends here.
What do they do, how do they look, dress and act compared to you?
Can you copy their behavior, if they seem to have more success?

Balmed Out

Long time since I was single but any girls I approached would have first made eye contact a few times smiled etc. Perhaps you dont do that and those others do?

Sheridan81

Nigh impossible to say based on that info. It could be the sound of your voice. It could be something to do with your appearance; you might look too intellectual for some, or too sweet. You can PM me a pic of yourself if you want and I will give you a merciless fair assessment.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

Some men are introverts and find it hard to start conversations. Not just with women, with anyone.

As are some women.

OP - if you're as pretty as you say you are, approach the guy YOU like. Ask him.

OP if you met another woman in say a supermarket and she stated making small talk and she said "OK" and left it at that would you continue talking to her? It's the same with men. There needs to be some banter from your side too.