Poem - Living in Dublin

lustig2014

Hi

I wrote this a few weeks ago which sums up my experiences of living in Dublin. Would appreciate any feedback positive or negative

Gerard

hgfj

Yeah, I like it. I think it's good.

Sheridan81

I don't like the rhyming scheme.

Sheridan81

The first two verses are weak. They sound like rap lyrics.

"A hostile crowd, now understands"

is the weakest line. Why are they hostile and what do they now understand? It's just left there.


"A forward plan is still unseen"

strikes me as weak too.


I would probably keep these three and a half lines

"The young discuss and challenge truth
the old dismiss too long in tooth
a desparate man wants fixed for sorrow
*something* a hip bar tomorrow"



I would be tempted to drop the first two verses and just start from the third. I don't know who Jim C is and that line is awkward too, like it's missing a link like 'Is' or 'will' or some such. I might drop the 'some' from the last line.

lustig2014

Sheridan81 wrote: »

The first two verses are weak. They sound like rap lyrics.

"A hostile crowd, now understands"

is the weakest line. Why are they hostile and what do they now understand? It's just left there.


"A forward plan is still unseen"

strikes me as weak too.


I would probably keep these three and a half lines

"The young discuss and challenge truth
the old dismiss too long in tooth
a desparate man wants fixed for sorrow
*something* a hip bar tomorrow"



I would be tempted to drop the first two verses and just start from the third. I don't know who Jim C is and that line is awkward too, like it's missing a link like 'Is' or 'will' or some such. I might drop the 'some' from the last line.

Thanks for this feedback

Jim C is James Connolly

dogsarewalked

loved the first three verses in particular. I really like it. fair play.

Kevplunkett

I think it is quite good as well. I was also not quite certain about the two lines regarding the couple and the crowd (please forgive me if I am not reading the lines clearly or carefully enough) however I liked the lines referring to Patrick Pearse and James Connolly and the humanity of the poem.

BDI

Does it inspire feeling or thought or anything in me? Probably not.
Is my day anyway different from reading it? Nope

Is it an ok poem? Probably

Does my opinion matter? Probably not.

puppieperson1

needs to be more gritty to create a sense of real despair - also the rhyming is childish doesnt need to rhyme but does need to capture the despair of the Dublin you once knew. Some good lines in there keep it up.