I don't know what to do, I need help!

ShakenDad

My ex-partner and I have a child, she is 2. We were together 7 years and unfortunately it hasn't worked out. I left at the beginning of the year initially hoping that the time and space might do us good. That seems to have had the opposite effect. The level of abuse I got after leaving highlighted just how bad things really were and resigned me to the fact I want nothing more to do with her.

Unfortunately our daughter has been caught in the middle of all this. My ex-partner has strung me along and been cryptic and unclear about her long term plans, telling me 'she'd decide once maintenance was sorted' or that she wanted to stay here and at other times (usually after I disagree with her) that she's going home...to then turn around and say she just said it in anger/frustration.

This hasn't afforded me any real opportunity to formalise access. I had been going over to our old place to spend time with my daughter because that's what I thought was best initially and because she insisted on it. But I'm very uncomfortable with it now and have been for some time. I've communicated that to her on a couple of occasions but she's acting like the gatekeeper!

We have been through counselling together briefly, then mediation (told us we weren't going to make any progress) and the last I had heard we were going to court. When we reached this conclusion I stepped away for a few weeks because of several reasons. There was a lot of conflict when we discussed the separation previously and I expected much of the same when we were allegedly on our way to court, but ultimately, I just wanted to give our daughter (and us all tbh) a break from it.

I recognise that that might have been a misguided attempt at minimising the impact on our daughter but I still feel like it was the right decision.

Unfortunately now there appears to be no court case, and my ex has suddenly booked flights and handed in notice without any fore-warning. Her interest in returning home was something that had come up in conversation and is understandable and inevitable to a certain extent but I would have expected a more in-dept conversation and a more collaborative and inclusive approach before taking these kinds of steps.

I feel terrible about it all and don't know what to do? She has been in touch with the mediation services and I have yet to respond because I honestly don't think we'll get anywhere. I have a fundamental issue with being backed into a corner on such a significant decision and can't see myself consenting to it right now. Her approach has just left a bad taste in my mouth and makes me question what little of a say I'll have as my daughter's father once I'm miles away.

I'm feeling the pressure and have this new imposed deadline looming over my head and am forced to either let her go and not see my daughter or refuse to consent and deal with that drama...

I've asked the Ex if I can take our daughter to my Mams every other weekend and I got a hard no because I'm unreliable, despite the fact I only ever left visits early, or not been around in order to prevent exposing our child to conflict again. She doesn't see the impact she's having on our daughter or how unreasonable she is being and I unfortunately don't expect that to change.

Has anyone been in a similar situation. Can someone let me know if the onus is on her to secure consent before booking flights or not? It just seems an incredibly unfair way to approach it like this.

I'd also like to know about access, I understand I can apply through the district courts and self represent but what kind of timeframe is involved? She's a departure date in November and I'd just like to spend some quality time with my daughter at my mothers between now and then at the very least.

And finally if anyone has a good recommendation for a solid family law solicitor in Dublin I'd appreciate it by PM! I don't know what I'm going to do yet but it'll help to have a recommendation or two.

If you made it this far thanks sincerely for reading.

sunny2004

I have nothing to offer but my best wishes.

Another day

Get yourself into Dolphin House and speak to the court clerks about getting before a judge. Does your child have a passport? If you haven't signed the form contact the passport office in writing with all your child details stating you are not giving permission for one yo be issued and you will inform them in writing when you do.
Apply to the courts for access. If you don't have guardianship, apply for it. Your permission is required to remove your child from Ireland.
Make an appointment with FLAC or Citizen's information to get advise on your legal standing.
You do have a voice, use it. Best of luck.

AulWan

If you lived with your child's mother then you are automatically your child's equal guardian and your ex absolutey needs your consent before taking your child out of the country.

But you need to act fast. If you apply now you might get a court date before November. Definitely talk to a solicitor and start to inform yourself of your rights. I'd recommend you contact Treoir who have some really good information on their website about custody, access, and maintenance to begin with. You can call them as well, and they will give you advice over the phone.

Don't let the mother get away with acting like she makes all the decisions for your daughter. You need to stand up to her for your child's sake.

Good luck.

Xterminator

Hi Op

Im telling you this not as a criticism, but as genuine advice.

There is the easy way, and there is the way that is best for your daughter. They don't usually coincide unfortunately. By talking a step back from your daughters life and the day to day decisions the situation has come about where you are not consulted on decisions about her raising, as you are not an active parent. So you need to step up to the mark and be active, be heard, and fight for your say in how your daughter will be raised.

The advice above is excellent. Follow it, and if it leads to rows - so be it.

but just to say, if you don't act/fight for her you will be getting an email/message over social media in about 16 years from now, from a child who will want to know why you didn't do more to have a relationship with her. Research is uneqivical - you daughter will do better with 2 active parents in her life.