"I miss you" text

LegacyUser

I need some different points of view please, as I am going a bit crazy here.

I have been together with my now fiancee for almost 4 years. On Saturday we went away for a night, lovely time until around 7 pm....he bought a new phone and I was checking it out. He asked me to remove the pic he had on his profile for his whatsapp messages and I did.

While I was in whatsapp, I found a message to a girl he worked with. He texted her first about 2 weeks after leaving his last job. Saying that he really liked working there and that he enjoyed the place very much and that he misses her...the rest of the messages were not flirtatious or anything of that sort. There were only a few exchanges between them, one where he says next time you are out/and some other guys maybe they can all meet for a drink....she says OK and leaves it at that. He texts her the next morning "good morning....bla bla bla" but she never replies. This happened around the 23rd of July.

What bothered me the most was the "I miss you part". he explained to me that he is with me and that he is not interested in her at all and that he misses them all not just her in particular, to which I said well why didn't you put down I miss you guys, he said yes I guess that word could have helped. He advised he doesn't even feel attracted to her (shes gorgeous, I am attracted to her, let alone him). He explained that she is married and that she is just a loud type of a person who actually gave him her phone number to stay in touch - do married women really do that? (shes foreign) and why would he actually text her then?

About 8 weeks ago he was off during the week and decided to go away on his own for the night (West of Ireland to play golf) - he didn't tell me anything about it, however it ended up coming out accidentally, his mother told me. I was really shocked that he did that. So now in my crazy mind I have started putting things together....which is probably wrong or maybe not.

I have been cheated on before and all I asked of him was if he is interested in someone else he can at least have the decency to break up with me...he said he doesn't want that and that he is with me and that's that...and even the messages suggest there is nothing there.

I am going crazy here thinking about this. He also became a bit distant in the last 2 months which again made me think he might be interested in this girl - but at the same time it could be the new job which is very pressurized.

My point is once I know that you are no longer interested in me its fine I can move on with time, but please do not use me, that's all I ask. He is in his early 40's and I am in my mid 30's.

I just don't think I can stand being used again and watching my EX get married to someone else.

I just don't know what to think anymore...he was very opened about the messages and once pointed out he didn't try to excuse himself he was very happy to explain...am I reading too much into this?

LegacyUser

What ever about the texts etc going down the country for an over nighter and saying nothing to your fiancee is shady as hell!

LegacyUser

That's what I thought also - he said he wanted to clear his head as he was having an exam the next week (which is true re the exam)...but I just didn't understand why you wouldn't tell me - when asked he said it was a last minute decision...i brought this incident up on Saturday and he understood where I was going with it.

He has had a hard time up to 2 years ago, but I was there for him and it seemed that his life settled down a bit and it's heading the right way...maybe its getting so good that he needs to trade me up...

I just don't want to waste time...I saw him Monday and I explained to him that I wanted to break up because I am starting to lose my trust in him...he said I've no reasons not to trust him and he sounded so sincere. He honestly doesn't seem like that type that would cheat....but then again do we know anyone really that well?!?

LegacyUser

Thanks for the reply....even though his excuse was plausible (was nervous about an exam) made me wonder....

I actually don't know what to do....give him another chance .... walk away....he seems so genuine and not the person who would cheat...

sallyanne12

Do you and your fiancé not live together? Just confused how you didn't know he went away for a night

LegacyUser

We are planning on moving into his house this November. I have my own house he has his own so no I don't know his whereabouts on a 24/7 basis and I really don't need to either. I assume he is where he tells me he will be. I know I am where I say I am.

Dial Hard

Is there a date set for the wedding?

iamwhoiam

What was in the text that said “ Good morning “ and bla bla. ?
Then a good morning text would worry me a bit to be honest

LegacyUser

Date not yet set - but were planning a small ceremony before the end of the year.

The good morning text read a bit like this - "good morning, say hi to everyone for me and take care" something along those line...

iamwhoiam

mmm37 wrote: »

Date not yet set - but were planning a small ceremony before the end of the year.

The good morning text read a bit like this - "good morning, say hi to everyone for me and take care" something along those line...

Were the texts before or after his night away ?

bucketybuck

mmm37 wrote: »

...but I just didn't understand why you wouldn't tell me - when asked he said it was a last minute decision...i brought this incident up on Saturday and he understood where I was going with it.

Maybe he knows that if he had told you, that you would just think it was something to do with him cheating no matter what the truth was? Maybe he thinks that you are always second guessing him and is getting tired of it, so decided to say nothing and have his little break?

I just don't want to waste time...I saw him Monday and I explained to him that I wanted to break up because I am starting to lose my trust in him...he said I've no reasons not to trust him and he sounded so sincere. He honestly doesn't seem like that type that would cheat....but then again do we know anyone really that well?!?

Sorry, why are you breaking up with him again? Because of a few inane messages to an old work friend? Because he had a night away?

Do you actually have a reason not to trust him beyond what you have said so far, or is he just paying for the trangressions of people in the past?

Gerianam

mmm37 wrote: »

Date not yet set - but were planning a small ceremony before the end of the year.

The good morning text read a bit like this - "good morning, say hi to everyone for me and take care" something along those line...

That sounds fine. People build up a good rapport with colleagues if they work closely in a team.

Murdoc90

Couple of things here. Firstly I don't think any man who was cheating would hand over his phone to his gf with whatsapp opened. Secondly you say there is no flirting and she doesn't bother to reply to some messages. She doesn't seem interested in him. the "I miss you" part is a bit strange, but in the context of the messages being sent it seems pretty innocent. Does he usually text her first?

notsoyoungwan

People in relationships are allowed have friends, male and female. It’s entirely reasonable for him to have texted a friend from an old workplace saying he missed her and would like to meet up. Only last week I texted a friend who I used to work with and asked if he’d like to meet for dinner and we met the next night for dinner and a drink. he’s married, and it didn’t cross my mind that I shouldn’t have contacted him or met with him without his wife etc.

I would find any partner who had an issue with me having friends of the opposite sex to be very wearying and insecure and I doubt I’d stay in the relationship. Someone earlier in the thread used the phrase ‘paying for the transgressions of others’ and I think that’s a great description. All too often people use the ‘I’ve been cheated on before’ line as a justification for snooping, prying and controlling behaviour.

wiggle16

With respect I think you are overthinking this.

It sounds like an innocuous enough text, there was other content to it that indicated it was more of a pleasantry than anything else.

There's false equivalence there with the golf trip thing. I don't know why he didn't tell you but if you are not living together then i can see why he wouldn't feel the need to. I have never been with a partner where we lived in each other's pockets, I wouldn't feel the need to tell him everywhere I went, it might come up naturally in coversation or it might not.

I don't mean this as a criticism but I think you need to keep in mind that while you were cheated on before, and it's a horrible thing to happen, that wasn't him - he didn't cheat on you. I think that's something you need to keep in mind, he shouldn't be put under suspicion for the actions of someone else in your past.

Again I don't mean that as a criticism, it's just something I've noticed a lot in people who were cheated on in past relationships - their partners often suffer from the lack of trust from something that was not their doing, and I think it's something to be mindful of.

Again this doesn't sound suspicious to me and I think I would take his word for it that there's nothing going on there.

wiggle16

notsoyoungwan wrote: »

I would find any partner who had an issue with me having friends of the opposite sex to be very wearying and insecure and I doubt I’d stay in the relationship. Someone earlier in the thread used the phrase ‘paying for the transgressions of others’ and I think that’s a great description. All too often people use the ‘I’ve been cheated on before’ line as a justification for snooping, prying and controlling behaviour.

This ^^^^^

I was writing my post at the same time as you, notsoyoungwan. I think you put it better than I did.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies everyone - I needed to see it form a total strangers point of view.

@iamwhoiam - A month after his night away...

@bucketybuck - I know what you are saying and I agree with you, however I am very laid back and I am not the type that hounds him...he has a lot of freedom I promise you that. And to answer your question I do not have a reason not to trust him beside those two incidents. Thanks for putting it into prospective for me as I was literally going insane and I was thinking here we go again met another cheater. Yes I know this is something that I need to address (my insecurity that is).

@Gerianam - I get that, I guess my insecurities got to me plus I don't really send messages to ex colleagues saying "i miss you"!

@Murdoc90 - I did think that too in fairness, but maybe he didn't think I would scroll though the messages as I said before I am not the controlling type I don't need to know what you do every minute of the day or who you speak to every second of the day. I tend to trust you until proven otherwise. This was the only time he texted her about 2 weeks after he left his old job - a few messages on the 22nd of July and then the follow up message on the morning of the 23rd of July as he didn't reply to the last one she sent on the 22nd of July. So he replied in the morning when he probably seen the message. But he is a very courteous man, very well spoken and educated with really nice manners, so now that I think about it no wonder he started with "good morning".

@notsoyoungwan - yes I agree trust me I agree, however this to me looked like maybe he was into her and she just wasn't interested (a lot of things went though my head in fairness). He talked to me about her before, but I didn't really pay much attention. Lets just say that she is really really really good looking, about 10 years younger than me, and extremely skinny, shes absolutely gorgeous from what I have seen, where I do have some meat on my bones and in a few years I shall be 40 (I am not ugly still get plenty of attention, however I am not as "fresh" as her). I am not saying that its all about looks, however we all know that its very important.

LegacyUser

wiggle16 wrote: »

With respect I think you are overthinking this.

It sounds like an innocuous enough text, there was other content to it that indicated it was more of a pleasantry than anything else.

There's false equivalence there with the golf trip thing. I don't know why he didn't tell you but if you are not living together then i can see why he wouldn't feel the need to. I have never been with a partner where we lived in each other's pockets, I wouldn't feel the need to tell him everywhere I went, it might come up naturally in coversation or it might not.

I don't mean this as a criticism but I think you need to keep in mind that while you were cheated on before, and it's a horrible thing to happen, that wasn't him - he didn't cheat on you. I think that's something you need to keep in mind, he shouldn't be put under suspicion for the actions of someone else in your past.

Again I don't mean that as a criticism, it's just something I've noticed a lot in people who were cheated on in past relationships - their partners often suffer from the lack of trust from something that was not their doing, and I think it's something to be mindful of.

Again this doesn't sound suspicious to me and I think I would take his word for it that there's nothing going on there.

Thanks I really appreciate your answer and I really do agree with you. Reading what you have written does ring a truth to it. I don't mean to use the wrong doings of others against him and I am actually sorry I did, however my mind literally went into overdrive. I have spoken to other close friends and they are basically saying the same as everyone just said here plus they also know him. A friend today put it bluntly to me " he is not the type who would mess anyone around, he is too honest for that"... I am actually relieved now. Thanks for the tough words, I needed that.

LegacyUser

He went down the country and didn't think to tell you before, while there or after being there. You only knows cos his mam let it slip. That is odd. It's not about keeping constant tabs on whereabouts. Surely ye were on contact over this course of time and he never thought to mention it. That's lying by omission. Texts would be of little to no concern really. Did he go on this golf trip solo or with pals btw?

LegacyUser

He went on his own...

I just find it hard he would cheat but then again...

I decided to give this another go and see what happens....maybe I have jumped to conclusions too fast. Given that we don't actually live together or live in each other pockets as wiggle16 said i am willing to give it another go.

Thanks everyone for your posts and for taking the time to reply.

Kidchameleon

Is it true that he asked you to change a Watsapp picture for him? Are you sure you didnt just go snooping at his phone? For someone changing a picture you had a fair amount of time to look through his messages...


If he genuinely asked you to change a picture for him, why did you click into his messages? Are you letting your insecurities control your behavior & is that fair on him?



It really looks to me like you are letting your past rule your present. You dont need to "give him another chance", he has done nothing wrong at all. He is an independent guy, he can go golfing any time he wants. I would consider it controlling behavior if I had to check in with the missus everytime I wanted to do something.


I could be completely wrong but it seems to me like you are risking pushing him away. Do you want to let the person who hurt you in the past cause you to lose this guy, who seems like a great catch?

LegacyUser

@Kidchameleon - yes he wanted it removed not changed.


I have looked at my behavior and indeed i am probably letting my past affect my present. I have taken on board everything that has been said and I spoke to him earlier and apologized if I came across a bit nuts.

Thanks for your replies. Mod please close thread.

wiggle16

Thread locked at OP's request.

Thanks & grma all who posted.

Best of luck OP, take care.