Suddenly doubting myself and my life.

LegacyUser

I've been married for just over 20 years, and until recently been very happy and very much in love with my wife.

Just recently though, completely by chance, through a mutual friend, i met another lady and to my own huge surprise, had an instant and mutual connection with her. I've met and chatted with my new friend a few times but we have not pursued a sexual relationship, although she is single and has indicated that she'd like to.

Since i met her though, i feel different. I don't really even know how to describe what i'm feeling right now.

I'm sure all the advice here will be to try to forget this other lady and focus on my own relationship and family and i get that, but i just can't seem to actually do it. My head is all over the place, and i'm even finding it difficult to be "normal" at home.

I guess that its guilt i'm feeling, i don't know, i never expected to meet someone at this stage in my life and have such an overwhelming wish that i was free to be with them.

Any thoughts or advice would be much appreciated.

Completely unsettled.

ChrissieH

So your head has been turned, so to speak.
I think its probably a fair enough reaction when, after many years of being in a relationship, you meet someone who you get on extremely well with, and who flirts (or otherwise makes it clear that they're open to a sexual relationship with you)
But unless you want your marriage to end, the only thing to do is to stop meeting up with this woman. I understand that you say you can't seem to get her out of your head and focus on your wife, but obviously if you continue to meet up with the other woman, you're not giving yourself the chance to forget about her.

My opinion is that you either cut ties until this infatuation passes, or you take some time to yourself to really analyse your marriage, if you're as content as you thought, then this should only be a blip.. if it's more serious, then you have big decisions to make

eviltwin

"can't stop contact" really means you don't want to stop contacting her.

You're flattered, I get that. It's exciting, a bit of a distraction from humdrum life, makes you feel like you still got it.

All that is very natural and understandable but if you are seriously considering leaving the woman you claim to love and who you have a 20 year history with for a virtual stranger then you are a fool.

You don't know this woman really. Your op is all about how she makes you feel rather than anything about her as a person. These feelings will pass and what will you be left with then? A broken marriage, a trail of destruction and egg on your face.

You know what you need to do here.

LegacyUser

This is normal and it will pass OP. We all have crushes, that's our nature. But for a marriage to last, you must not act on those urges and they will go.

Don't act on it while you are still figuring out how you are feeling. think of it this way: if you are still feeling this way about the woman in 1-2 years time, you may then consider re-evaluating your relationship with your wife and asking yourself if you still love her. But now, it's early days. don't do anything you might regret later.

Also, would I be correct if I make a guess that the new lady is at least 10 years younger than your wife? Of course you are going to feel something special if this young one likes you (read:targets you)! This is a no-brainer!

LegacyUser

Thanks for the advice - you're all completely right, i'm an idiot for even thinking that this could be an option, and i already know that. Still i'm finding it difficult to do the right thing. But thanks all the same for taking the time to respond and confirm what i already know in my heart and soul anyway.

zapper55

If she's open to a sexual relationship with a married man then how could you ever trust her? That's scummy behaviour. Say you scratched the itch, you would always have the guilt and thats assuming your wife didn't find out which she very well could.

I'd block her and do whatever it takes to put the spark back in your marriage.

cannotlogin

zapper55 wrote: »

If she's open to a sexual relationship with a married man then how could you ever trust her? That's scummy behaviour. Say you scratched the itch, you would always have the guilt and thats assuming your wife didn't find out which she very well could.

I'd block her and do whatever it takes to put the spark back in your marriage.

This, all day long. Personally, I think there's a special place in hell for those who pursue married people. I've never known anyone who did who wasn't selfish to the core, and didn't have some emotional instability. She has nothing to lose, yet you have everything and she's happy to completely turn your life upside down & most likely for nothing.

That said, some people have to find out the hard way and if that's you, go for it, but be prepared you might end up with nothing.

shesty

I woud like to suggest going to your local book store, picking several books off the shelves of the chick lit section, and reading them to find out how this will end.

This is cliche for a reason OP.She has nothing to lose here.You have everything to lose.And if you go ahead with it, and your wife finds out.....she will not hang around, or if she does, you will never be able to trust her.Take the advice above.Don't go there.

Ursus Horribilis

It goes without saying that pursuing any sort of affair with your new lady "friend" is bound to end in tears. You're 20 years married so you've probably already got people in your circle who've been down the separation/divorce route already. You don't need any of us to tell you what these do to your family life and to your bank balance.

When people get married, it doesn't stop them from being attracted to others. This sounds like it has gone beyond that though. The question is, why is this lady making you want to throw away your marriage and family life? Are you addicted to the frisson of meeting someone new who fancies you back? Does she make you feel excited and alive in a way that your wife doesn't any more? I think you need to be very honest with yourself here. Is there something gone off the boil in your marriage? Something that has driven you past the attraction to this lady and onto the stage where you're a few glasses of wine away from taking her to bed.