Colleague putting me down

LegacyUser

I work with a girl who seems to like putting me down and making snide remarks.

She is relatively new to the job and in a more junior position but wants to take over everything and tries to do my work for me. Instead of saying "I can do that if you like", she says "I'll do that." When I politely say "No that's fine, I'll do it", she becomes stand offish and then the snide remarks begin throughout the day. She has put down my degree, my experience, and points out things she feels I've done wrong or could do better. She constantly watches what I do and it's very uncomfortable.

I spoke to my manager about it so she's aware, however it's still happening. I try to keep my cool and remain firm but it really gets to me. What really worries me is that there have been 3 different occasions where she has attempted to put me down in front of colleagues by twisting the truth of things, and once behind my back she said something completely untrue. I find her quite toxic and potentially dangerous considering her ability to twist the truth. I could confront her, but I find her intimidating so it's not easy.

Any advice at all would be appreciated. Thank you.

Ursus Horribilis

Is your manager being proactive though? Being aware is different to keeping an eye on things and taking her in for a word. Do you know if she's stirring things for your other colleagues?
If you haven't done so already, start keeping a log. Dates/times/incidents. That'll be useful for you to have if this escalates.

zapper55

I wouldnt confront her as she'll just twist it and also you are giving her far.more power/fuel to the fire by acknowledging that she is bothering you. I think you need to be less passive about it. Your boss telling you they are aware of it is meaningless.

Talk to your boss again and share your concerns about how the new people is damaging the team bond that exists in the office, you are concerned about productivity. Frame it in a company problem not a you problem. Ask how it will be addressed.

zapper55

Also if she is snide/puts you down, turn it back on her loudly and in front of others. 'What do you mean?' 'Could you repeat that?' Etc. She's relying on you being too embarrassed to say anything.

Also she's showing other colleagues exactly how toxic she is, and they wont trust her either. She's damaging her own career.

leggo

The words "Are you okay?" can be really helpful in these kind of situations. It's my go-to if someone is doing or saying something and needs to take a minute to stop and look at themselves. If people are quite passive, they can get bowled over by alpha types who come in and try barrel through a situation, which leads to stress, anxiety etc. But why are you accepting this as acceptable behaviour and putting up with it? Re-frame the situation with those three words that should be asked anyway. Example:

"I guess someone with (this) degree would think that."
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah, why?"
"Because that's not an appropriate comment to make in the workplace."

You're just stating facts and it's not overly-confrontational. The only place they can go from there, without copping on, is to get childish. So ask them then why they're being childish when you're trying to work. If it comes to it, ask "Is there an issue between us that you'd like to resolve because we can go to management and they can mediate it if so?" And all of that is totally acceptable language that can never be used against you, you're being professional and mature but nipping the situation in the bud.

You can be more direct and go like-for-like with her if you think you'll win. An example I had a while back was someone on a work night randomly having a dig because I was wearing a shirt (just a normal black shirt btw not even a notable one). I said "I'm coming from work. People wear shirts to work sometimes. You've had to have heard of this before?" He asked if I saw anyone else wearing shirts, so I asked him if he only dressed based on what other people wore and who he wanted to come into work dressed like that morning. All in a bantery way and we laughed, but I doubt he'll be back for another go anytime soon because the first time left him looking like a tool in front of others. But only do that if it comes naturally and you feel fully confident or it can become messy quickly. If you don't, the above is your way out.

hawley

I agree with Leggo here. Why are you just sitting there and taking it from her? You need to stand up to her in a firm but controlled manner. Most workmates will have no interest in getting involved in it, so you can't rely on them to shun her, even if she is toxic.

Brian?

zapper55 wrote: »

Also if she is snide/puts you down, turn it back on her loudly and in front of others. 'What do you mean?' 'Could you repeat that?' Etc. She's relying on you being too embarrassed to say anything.

Also she's showing other colleagues exactly how toxic she is, and they wont trust her either. She's damaging her own career.

No need to frame it as a company problem actually. If the OP states that the colleague is creating a hostile work environment the manager needs to deal with it ASAP, with the involved of HR.

If the manager doesn’t address it, it’s an abdication of responsibility. I’ve dealt with these situations, it needs to be done swiftly before it escalates. My HR rep would crucify me if it wasn’t, with good reason.

Fakediamond

I’d say you’re dealing with a workplace narcissist, the tactics are classic. Read up on them. You’re right to be wary, narcissists are masters at damaging your reputation behind your back. They’re brilliant at playing mind games to make you and others question your judgement.

If I’m right, you have a battle on your hands. Keep a diary of incidents/comments, but keep it at home, these people have no moral compass and will shamelessly root through your stuff when you’re not there. Only engage in a professional and never confide in them about anything, work or personal as it will be used against you at some point.

My current boss is a narc, every encounter with her is draining. You really have to understand the modus operandi to survive. I know I’m being dramatic, but honestly, narcissists are toxic, dangerous people who ultimately cause great damage to organizations.

Forewarned is forearmed. Good luck.

P.S. I hope I’m wrong....

valoren

Agreed that it's a narcissist who is incapable of integrating and is likely threatened by you, your experience, your qualifications, your status in the role. Speak to your manager again about it but you're right to be concerned that they will twist the truth. Explain to the manager that by through you speaking to them that this person is likely to twist it around on you and twist it to become that you are trying to get HER into trouble. Explain that this is explicitly not the case but that any future incidents of snide remarks/insults etc will be noted by you for reference and that if they would like to be kept informed then you are happy to do so.

Xterminator

Hi Op

this situation can probably be dealt with simply by implmenting a take no bullshot tactic, but to ensure your responses never stay outside of acceptable behaviour. It is your acceptance on this behaviour that emboldens your unpleasant colleague. you need to nip it in the bud each and every time.

I could confront her, but I find her intimidating so it's not easy.

i accept this may not come easily to you, but my take on the situation is, she is a bit of a bitch. HR cannot cure her personaility, and she will always be a bitch, but you need to not be an easy target. also keep a diary of each incidence of unprofessional behaviour like her telling untrue things. A pattern can be proved if you have dates times and specifics.

but above all don't be submissively bullied, looking for a quiet life. It wont go away. You need to be assertive when this person crosses the line, for your own sake, and that of your career in this workplace.

hawley

If you do go to HR, what exactly are you going to say? That she offered to help and then was stand offish when you refused. She is being very smart in how she is playing you. You have all the power, so put her back in her place the next time she makes any snide comments. If she demeans your degree, ask her how many points she got in her LC and say that you got a higher number in reply. If you put her down a few times, it won't be long before she softens her cough.

cloudatlas

I would go back to your boss and impress upon them the stress that this is putting on you and that this colleagues behaviour is making you incredibly uncomfortable. Ask if a rota can be made or some structure put in place in the workplace where by this person isn't encroaching on your job and is kept busy by their own separate work, if this doesn't work out say that you wish to be moved to somewhere where this person can't observe your work so that you can get on with things undisturbed as this person is exhibiting bullying behaviour, misrepresenting your work to others and insulting your professional qualifications, tell your boss that you've tried but that you aren't going to continue to work under these conditions and that you would have addressed this with your co-worker but judging by her past behaviour you assumed that such a conversation would not be productive.

ILoveYourVibes

My advice. What I would genuinely do in your situation. The way I have generally handled colleagues. Obviously though its not going to be right for every office or environment etc or every person.

So apologies if its useless. But I thought it would post it all the same.


My advice.

Ask her why she distrusts the quality your work. Ask her straight out in a group in front of people.

In a nice way.

That is what I would do. In the canteen room or when you are all at the staff party. If the manager is there all the better.


Look her straight in the eye. Smile. Use a calm low voice.

'Loraine (whatever her name is) May I ask you something? I hope you don't mind but I noticed you have been saying you doubt my experience and don't feel comfortable leaving tasks up to me. I was wondering why you don't trust the quality of my work? Your opinion of me is important to me. So I wondered why?'

Either she tells you the truth and you talk about it. Or she gets the message and shuts up.

By the way if you talk about it etc. You might have to hear another persons opinion of yourself that you don't like and probably are entitled not to have to put up with. However you might be able to allay any fears she has.

Hopefully she likes confrontation and sees it as an opportunity.

Make sure there are a good few people from the office there.

In addition if it goes maturely your boss and colleagues will be impressed with how you handled it.

sullivlo

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

My advice. What I would genuinely do in your situation. The way I have generally handled colleagues. Obviously though its not going to be right for every office or environment etc or every person.

So apologies if its useless. But I thought it would post it all the same.


My advice.

Ask her why she distrusts the quality your work. Ask her straight out in a group in front of people.

In a nice way.

That is what I would do. In the canteen room or when you are all at the staff party. If the manager is there all the better.


Look her straight in the eye. Smile. Use a calm low voice.

'Loraine (whatever her name is) May I ask you something? I hope you don't mind but I noticed you have been saying you doubt my experience and don't feel comfortable leaving tasks up to me. I was wondering why you don't trust the quality of my work? Your opinion of me is important to me. So I wondered why?'

Either she tells you the truth and you talk about it. Or she gets the message and shuts up.

By the way if you talk about it etc. You might have to hear another persons opinion of yourself that you don't like and probably are entitled not to have to put up with. However you might be able to allay any fears she has.

Hopefully she likes confrontation and sees it as an opportunity.

Make sure there are a good few people from the office there.

In addition if it goes maturely your boss and colleagues will be impressed with how you handled it.

OP - do not do this. If you're going to confront her, do it in private and not in a group situation. Confronting her in front of others could be construed as bullying or whatever and could land you in trouble.

dudara

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

In addition if it goes maturely your boss and colleagues will be impressed with how you handled it.

As a senior leader in my business, I would be really annoyed if I saw this behaviour. Pulling up your colleague and placing them on the spot in front of others is very disrespectful, especially if done in the canteen or coffee break. It shows a lack of awareness on how to handle the situation.

Stay civil to her, as you are doing. Log her behaviour and stay in communication with your manager. Escalate to HR if required.

ManOfMystery

Completely agree with the last 2 posters, as a senior manager also I would not be happy with a staff member confronting another publicly. Very unprofessional.

BuboBubo

ManOfMystery wrote: »

Completely agree with the last 2 posters, as a senior manager also I would not be happy with a staff member confronting another publicly. Very unprofessional.

As a senior manager, what would you advise? If management won't help, it would be difficult to resolve.

I think the op should go back to their boss and keep going back until action is taken. Too many lazy bosses out there who just look after themselves.

hawley

ManOfMystery wrote: »

Completely agree with the last 2 posters, as a senior manager also I would not be happy with a staff member confronting another publicly. Very unprofessional.

What would you do with the person that the OP is having a problem with? On the face of it, the incidents seem minimal but they're having a significant effect on her happiness within the workplace environment.

zapper55

And the last thing you should do is suggest that her opinion is important to you.

sullivlo

hawley wrote: »

What would you do with the person that the OP is having a problem with? On the face of it, the incidents seem minimal but they're having a significant effect on her happiness within the workplace environment.

The thing the OP shouldn't do is corner her colleague and ambush her in front of everyone.

Talk to her privately and reasonably. Talk to her manager. But don't attack her in public!

cloudatlas

zapper55 wrote: »

And the last thing you should do is suggest that her opinion is important to you.

One hundred percent this, the O.p'S work is not up for discussion, don't ask bullies for anything. I would flat out say 'this conversation is making me uncomfortable if you talk to me like that again I'm going to make a complaint'. That is the only conversation that needs to be had.

ILoveYourVibes

dudara wrote: »

As a senior leader in my business, I would be really annoyed if I saw this behaviour. Pulling up your colleague and placing them on the spot in front of others is very disrespectful, especially if done in the canteen or coffee break. It shows a lack of awareness on how to handle the situation.

Stay civil to her, as you are doing. Log her behaviour and stay in communication with your manager. Escalate to HR if required.

Not the way I do it. I would be ever so sweet. but ok.

ILoveYourVibes

cloudatlas wrote: »

One hundred percent this, the O.p'S work is not up for discussion, don't ask bullies for anything. I would flat out say 'this conversation is making me uncomfortable if you talk to me like that again I'm going to make a complaint'. That is the only conversation that needs to be had.

Their colleague thinks it is though. She has a superiority complex for sure. But i doubt she thinks she is bullying.

Resolving a conflict between two requires two. You have to engage with her.

Ignoring etc its just going to create a bad atmosphere in the work place.

Ask her WHY she sees you like this. Why you got off to the wrong start.

This idea hr is just going to say oh i have a complaint i definitely know its all her just here no personality conflict at all i will just tell HER and only her to watch it is not a real idea.

They will want to hear her side. And then some kind of resolution.

They will view it as two conflicting employees.

ManOfMystery

hawley wrote: »

What would you do with the person that the OP is having a problem with? On the face of it, the incidents seem minimal but they're having a significant effect on her happiness within the workplace environment.

BuboBubo wrote: »

As a senior manager, what would you advise? If management won't help, it would be difficult to resolve.

I think the op should go back to their boss and keep going back until action is taken. Too many lazy bosses out there who just look after themselves.

If line managers won't deal with it, you go back and stress to them again how serious an issue it is. The OP has only spoken to their manager once and made them aware of the situation, it's not as if they've exhausted all management options.

If they will not deal with it on a second or third request, then it should be escalated to the next senior person available, or if nothing constructive is being done, over their heads to HR as a last resort.

At no point would I encourage anyone in conflict (passive or aggressive) with another staff member to deal with the issue publicly in an office environment. If the OP wants to follow ILoveYourVibe's advice, at least do it in a conference room or somewhere else private.

Asides from the unprofessionalism of airing dirty laundry publicly, I would expect that as the OP finds her colleague intimidating already, and the colleague has so far managed to be toxic, manipulative and deceitful, she will twist the situation to her advantage and the OP will end up worse off in a public confrontation.

ILoveYourVibes

ManOfMystery wrote: »

If line managers won't deal with it, you go back and stress to them again how serious an issue it is. The OP has only spoken to their manager once and made them aware of the situation, it's not as if they've exhausted all management options.

If they will not deal with it on a second or third request, then it should be escalated to the next senior person available, or if nothing constructive is being done, over their heads to HR as a last resort.

At no point would I encourage anyone in conflict (passive or aggressive) with another staff member to deal with the issue publicly in an office environment. If the OP wants to follow ILoveYourVibe's advice, at least do it in a conference room or somewhere else private.

Asides from the unprofessionalism of airing dirty laundry publicly, I would expect that as the OP finds her colleague intimidating already, and the colleague has so far managed to be toxic, manipulative and deceitful, she will twist the situation to her advantage and the OP will end up worse off in a public confrontation.

The only issue with this is that anyone in HR or managers etc will have to be seen to be fair to both of them and reasonably neutral.

They are not just going to reprimand her. That never happens. She will have her side. The OP will be told to take her side on board too. She will be told the same. But i can guarantee they are not just going to take a side so easliy.

ManOfMystery

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

Ask her WHY she sees you like this. Why you got off to the wrong start.

You're attemping to insert a rationality into a situation where someone is behaving irrationally. I can't imagine their response will be reasoned and understanding. She has already displayed traits of deceit, manipulation and bullying.

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

This idea hr is just going to say oh i have a complaint i definitely know its all her just here no personality conflict at all i will just tell HER and only her to watch it is not a real idea.

They will want to hear her side. And then some kind of resolution.

They will view it as two conflicting employees.

I've dealt with HR 3 times this year alone on issues. They've been helpful each time and contrary to what you say, most HR staff I've dealt with can recognise and assess problematic staff where they exist. To say they will assess every office disagreement as a personality conflict is a huge generalisation.

ManOfMystery

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

The only issue with this is that anyone in HR or managers etc will have to be seen to be fair to both of them and reasonably neutral.

They are not just going to reprimand her. That never happens. She will have her side. The OP will be told to take her side on board too. She will be told the same. But i can guarantee they are not just going to take a side so easliy.

HR don't take 'sides'. And shouldn't. They will look for evidence and testimonials from both staff and others involved before making any judgement call.

ILoveYourVibes

ManOfMystery wrote: »

You're attemping to insert a rationality into a situation where someone is behaving irrationally. I can't imagine their response will be reasoned and understanding. She has already displayed traits of deceit, manipulation and bullying.



I've dealt with HR 3 times this year alone on issues. They've been helpful each time and contrary to what you say, most HR staff I've dealt with can recognise and assess problematic staff where they exist. To say they will assess every office disagreement as a personality conflict is a huge generalisation.

First time off she is new I think they will. I hope I am wrong though.

HR don't take 'sides'. And shouldn't. They will look for evidence and testimonials from both staff and others involved before making any judgement call

I know. More like they don't for legal reasons half the time tbh. But a judgement call etc might not be coming down in favor of either one more like trying to bring them both together. And sure that will work for the op too.

Bobtheman

Firstly note the date and times of what's happening. Details
Secondly when she questions your degree or whatever keep a cool head and keep asking questions
What's wrong with my degree exactly?
Don't let it drop. Keep probing as if you take her seriously
Or as another poster suggested just say
I don't think that's an appropriate comment. I would not add in " in the workplace"
If it doesn't stop after that. Informally warn her it's not on
For some strange reason people run to HR without trying to tackle issue themselves. Once you go to HR relationship is poisioned forever.
Best to first steer it to more professional waters.
Then if that fails and only if your intervention fails go to your manager with details.
Others here have posted positive things about their HR department but you know the lay of the land better than most. I'm a firm believer in trying to sort it out yourself first as once you have complained you cross a line with people.
She is obviously very insecure about her own abilities . Keep that in mind.

Mad_maxx

Take it from me , you cannot triumph when it comes to people like her, if the boss is content to pay lip service instead of dealing with the matter, your only option is to leave

These kind of people are poison and mean to harm you, don't view my advice as surrender, it's because you are a normal good person that you cannot win this

If you leave, she will move on to someone else so the company can only get by with foot dragging for so long

cloudatlas

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

Their colleague thinks it is though. She has a superiority complex for sure. But i doubt she thinks she is bullying.

Resolving a conflict between two requires two. You have to engage with her.

Ignoring etc its just going to create a bad atmosphere in the work place.

Ask her WHY she sees you like this. Why you got off to the wrong start.

This idea hr is just going to say oh i have a complaint i definitely know its all her just here no personality conflict at all i will just tell HER and only her to watch it is not a real idea.

They will want to hear her side. And then some kind of resolution.

They will view it as two conflicting employees.

H.R guidelines on conflict resolution state that you should try to resolve the situation with the other person but if that is not possible then it is fine to escalate it to management. It sounds like it's not possible to talk to this person as they have a narcissistic personality and are difficult to deal with. Never, never ask a bully what you have done wrong, it doesn't matter what they think and it puts you in a weak position where you are asking the bully to continue harassing you and giving them an opening to tell you why you are worthless and pathetic at your job. Which is just their opinion and their opinion only. Yes of course h.r. are going to want to talk to the colleague but the O.P. can list specific incidents and difficult behaviours and has a strong case.

cloudatlas

Mad_maxx wrote: »

Take it from me , you cannot triumph when it comes to people like her, if the boss is content to pay lip service instead of dealing with the matter, your only option is to leave

These kind of people are poison and mean to harm you, don't view my advice as surrender, it's because you are a normal good person that you cannot win this

If you leave, she will move on to someone else so the company can only get by with foot dragging for so long

I'd ask to move office before I lost my job over the behaviours of another individual.

Austria!

Mad_maxx wrote: »

Take it from me , you cannot triumph when it comes to people like her, if the boss is content to pay lip service instead of dealing with the matter, your only option is to leave

Someone new, in a more junior position, making some snide remarks is not a reason to leave your job. Absolutely don't do this OP.