Relationship without sex (thread title input by mod)

LegacyUser

I've been with my partner for 3 years, and we have had barely any sex in about 2 years. We've had plenty of arguments along the way, and some of them have been about no sex, but some of them have been about other things.
I don't have any desire to stray, but to be honest I don't think about sex that much. I don't necessarily miss it. We've been to therapy etc, as I know I have some hangups about sex for years. I don't know. Sometimes we talk and say we're forcing things and should break up. Other times, we say "ok let's try this weekend!". Maybe it is the fear of being single. It's not that I don't find my partner attractive. They are attractive, but I don't know...

wiggle16

Mod note:

Bumping thread as it was moved from another several hours ago.

Augme

How does your part feel about it? You say you don't miss sex, have you ever enjoyed it with anyone? Realistically, unless something changes then it's only a matter of time before yous break up or one of you cheats on the other.

LegacyUser

Is it you or your partner that's pushing for sex?

I imagine it's your partner that isn't happy with your sex life and wants more....

Imagine something your partner gives you from the relationship...love, or security, or trust, feeling like you have a partner in life, feeling connected to someone....now imagine they withhold that from you...for no apparent reason...imagine the confusion and hurt you feel, the insecurity in your relationship now, the feeling on edge and like you can't trust the relationship anymore to work out. .

Lack of sex isn't just sex, it's withholding that connection, bonding, physical touch that everyone craves, affection....any time that side wavered in the past, it was symptomatic of a failing relationship and a precursor to it ending....

And in your case, there doesn't even seem to really be a reason why- you still get attracted to the opposite sex, presumably enjoyed it in the past, desire sex, don't have medical issues, it just seems you don't want it anymore...

Have a good think about why...is it your partner has changed, boredom, are you not getting your needs met in sex (could be physical or emotional), are you happy with the relationship in general? Doesn't seem so, seems like a hard place for both of you tbh

Xterminator

Hi Op

What strikes me as telling from your post is the complete absence on any empathy as to how the other person feels about the lack of intimacy.

a low sex drive is something that happens, usually one partner has a lower sex drive than the other. it doesn't mean there is no intimacy. you may not miss it. but you are only half of the relationship. It cannot work if one partner is unfulfilled.

do you want to end the relationship? it might be the kinder thing to do in the long run.

My advice is to commit 100% and see where it leads. Hangups can be overcome. But if you cannot or will not then be upfront and honest about that too. Dont say you will work on issues and then revert back to your safe place. Because that can be soul destroying for a partner.

LegacyUser

Augme wrote: »

How does your part feel about it? You say you don't miss sex, have you ever enjoyed it with anyone? Realistically, unless something changes then it's only a matter of time before yous break up or one of you cheats on the other.

I/we are very aware that it's something we need to be doing (being intimate). I don't know. It's like it's gone so long I'm afraid of tackling it, but it has to be done. I am fully aware of how the other person feels as we have talked about it, but I am surprised they have stuck it out this long....
I suppose I am afraid of ending it, on the assumption that it'll be different with the next person. I am afraid that ending it is the easy way out, and that you should exhaust every avenue and possibility first, and in general we are content, it's just that elephant in the room all the time.
Yeah, I see other people and think "they're hot", but I'd probably do that anyway, I'm not going to act on it or anything. I think it's normal to notice other people and be able to say "they're attractive" to yourself.
Have I ever enjoyed sex? Yes, and it's been very good with some people in the past over others, but at the same time, those relationships never really lasted, so .....

cannotlogin

What happens if your partner comes home this evening and says they can no longer be in a sexless relationship? That the lack of intimacy is too much, destroying their self esteem and they need to feel wanted, loved and desired. How do you feel?

Cos it will happen eventually. They have already too you that it's an issue for them. They clearly love you of they have stayed this long. You don't owe anyone sex or intimacy but you do risk them leaving. Constant rejection chips away at people.

Do you want them or leave or do you want to address this? It might be a case of having the conversation, deciding to go for counselling with a view to understanding your hang ups etc. Or it might be a case, that you'd prefer to be alone than address it, that's ok too but it's probably well past decision time.

osarusan

Sounds like for your partner the relationship would be just right if you were having sex regularly, but for you, it's just right even without it.

If your partner is unhappy enough about it, is something eventually going to crack?

As the poster above me said, constant rejection chips away at people. As problematic as the lack of sex is the knowledge that the other person isn't missing it much or thinking about much either, that the desire they feel for their partner is not reciprocated.

You love them, you find them attractive, you've had good sex in the past (reducing the likelihood that you are asexual). Does the fact that you don't have a sex life with them not bother you?

It seems like you had some manner of sex life in the first year of the relationship, but that tailed off some reason. Do you know why? Is it not something you want to get to the bottom of?

redfox123

It does not sound like you are that attracted to your partner. You sound very ambivalent about her. You said it yourself you are afraid of being single. You don’t particularly feel the drive to be with anyone else so that is making you think you should stay with the person you’re with, you think or know you won’t do any better. I don’t think things will drastically change and you will go back to a sexual relationship after 2 years, so perhaps it’s best you free her to find someone who wants her both as a companion and lover. You will find someone who you have chemistry with and it will last, it doesn’t have to be one without the other.

redfox123

redfox123 wrote: »

It does not sound like you are that attracted to your partner. You sound very ambivalent about her.

The gender of the OP and their partner wasn't mentioned.

OP I think you have to end this. It's clear you aren't asexual as you harbour sexual thoughts for others. This isn't fair to your partner, who thinks they are doing something terribly wrong. Break up with them so you both can get on with your lives.

LegacyUser

redfox123 wrote: »

It does not sound like you are that attracted to your partner. You sound very ambivalent about her. You said it yourself you are afraid of being single. You don’t particularly feel the drive to be with anyone else so that is making you think you should stay with the person you’re with, you think or know you won’t do any better. I don’t think things will drastically change and you will go back to a sexual relationship after 2 years, so perhaps it’s best you free her to find someone who wants her both as a companion and lover. You will find someone who you have chemistry with and it will last, it doesn’t have to be one without the other.

I'm not afraid of being single Not at all. I'm not thinking "I can do better" either. I don't know.

LegacyUser

Hi OP - my OH isn't into sex at all either (early 40's). He seems to be happy either way. He might ask for it once or twice a week (if I am very very very very lucky ), but isn't too pushed. I have talked to him about this as I just thought he wasn't attracted to me (or other issues) so we might as well go our separate ways. He assured me that he adores me and is attracted to me but that sex doesn't really play an important part in his life, never has and never will play an important part. He said that this is just the way he is....

I am the opposite (mid 30's), if I could have it morning, day and night hmmm that would be fantastic, but its not the case...

We compromise...

I definitely don't agree with just breaking up especially if you do like/love her...communication is the key...well it is for us.

Just my own experience

ILoveYourVibes

I think you need to bring intimacy into the relationship again.

It sounds like you were having sex before and not physical intimacy.

Its another dimension to a relationship.

Look if you are both happy. You are happy.

Why would you break up if you are happy?

Sex is what you see in porn. Physical intimacy....you know i think its even rare in relationships these days.

Is it THAT intimacy you are wondering if you can bring into your relationship?

osarusan

ohsweetjebus wrote: »

I'm not afraid of being single Not at all. I'm not thinking "I can do better" either. I don't know.

I asked earlier - have you tried to identify when and why your sex life tailed off, and when and why you started to not miss sex, not think about it?

You seem to have gone from having a good sex life to not having sex or wanting sex, but you don't seem to wonder why that is at all.

Do you even want to get back to having a good sex life? Or do you just want your partner to stop complaining about it?

LegacyUser

osarusan wrote: »

I asked earlier - have you tried to identify when and why your sex life tailed off, and when and why you started to not miss sex, not think about it?

You seem to have gone from having a good sex life to not having sex or wanting sex, but you don't seem to wonder why that is at all.

Do you even want to get back to having a good sex life? Or do you just want your partner to stop complaining about it?

Mid 2017. Came back from a holiday abroad. I was with my friends on that holiday. It wasn't a "lads" holiday. I don't know why it kind of trailed off after that. We had sporadic sex, and then I had to go for an operation a few months later which killed it off altogether for a few more months. While some people might be ok with no sex in a relationship, intimacy, I think, is an important part of it all, or else we're just good friends who kiss...
Sometimes, when I think of sex, I think of the "hassle" of it all, and couldn't be arsed, but it was easier to think like that as a single guy. It's not a thought to be having in a relationship, as one has to make an effort...

ILoveYourVibes

ohsweetjebus wrote: »

Mid 2017. Came back from a holiday abroad. I was with my friends on that holiday. It wasn't a "lads" holiday. I don't know why it kind of trailed off after that. We had sporadic sex, and then I had to go for an operation a few months later which killed it off altogether for a few more months. While some people might be ok with no sex in a relationship, intimacy, I think, is an important part of it all, or else we're just good friends who kiss...
Sometimes, when I think of sex, I think of the "hassle" of it all, and couldn't be arsed, but it was easier to think like that as a single guy. It's not a thought to be having in a relationship, as one has to make an effort...

I understand. You have to find the magic a bit. Real life gets in the way. I hope you are recovered after the OP.

LegacyUser

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

I understand. You have to find the magic a bit. Real life gets in the way. I hope you are recovered after the OP.

It wasn't anything serious, but was laid up for a few months. I don't know. For example, I didn't spend the weekend thinking about sex. It's something though that I feel under pressure with, that having a healthy intimate love life is a successful relationship. I don't know. I often feel like maybe I'm with the wrong person, that every time they come in the door I want to rip their clothes off.... I'm not sure what way it's supposed to go....

cannotlogin

There's something strange here the makes it hard to help. Sorry if the questions are too personal but trying to understand the issue. No need to answer them publically if you prefer not but they might help make things clearer.

1. Have you a sex drive?
2. Has it changed or just you previously made an effort even if not bothered?
3. What about self pleasure? Porn? Etc?
4. Any interest in the above or indifferent as well?
5. Why are you with your girlfriend?
6. What are the sexual hang ups you mention?
7. Do you want to change them or are you happy as things are?
8. Is there any change that you don't believe you can have a great girlfriend and a great sex life & there's some sort of weird compromise going on subconsciously?
9. Was there someone you were with that you did want to rip their clothes off?
10. If you never had sex again, how would you feel?

LegacyUser

cannotlogin wrote: »

There's something strange here the makes it hard to help. Sorry if the questions are too personal but trying to understand the issue. No need to answer them publically if you prefer not but they might help make things clearer.

1. Have you a sex drive?
2. Has it changed or just you previously made an effort even if not bothered?
3. What about self pleasure? Porn? Etc?
4. Any interest in the above or indifferent as well?
5. Why are you with your girlfriend?
6. What are the sexual hang ups you mention?
7. Do you want to change them or are you happy as things are?
8. Is there any change that you don't believe you can have a great girlfriend and a great sex life & there's some sort of weird compromise going on subconsciously?
9. Was there someone you were with that you did want to rip their clothes off?
10. If you never had sex again, how would you feel?

1. Have you a sex drive? Yes and no. I do think about it sometimes, but don't necessarily "need" it or crave it. I went back to college a few years back for 2 years, and made a decision to fully concentrate on studying and not even try and date or meet anyone. I had no issue doing it.
2. Has it changed or just you previously made an effort even if not bothered? I would have made efforts in the past without being bothered, but the relationship would have eventually ended, or it would have been so early days, I would have called a halt and it wasn't a big deal. Previously in my current relationship, it wouldn't have been an effort, but I'd have been conscious of it. Sometimes, when I was casually dating, the sex was better, because we both knew it was just a hook up or casual thing. I can't explain why...
3. What about self pleasure? Porn? Etc? Not much to be honest. I can go weeks and weeks without self pleasure, and not too bothered with porn anymore.
4. Any interest in the above or indifferent as well?
5. Why are you with your girlfriend? I love her (or do I). I enjoy her company, I enjoy being with her. I just can't get over that obstacle.
6. What are the sexual hang ups you mention? It always felt like a chore or task for me. Is she enjoying it? Did I last long enough etc?
7. Do you want to change them or are you happy as things are? It has to change. We are both aware of the elephant in the room.
8. Is there any change that you don't believe you can have a great girlfriend and a great sex life & there's some sort of weird compromise going on subconsciously? You can't have everything in life I guess?
9. Was there someone you were with that you did want to rip their clothes off? Yes, but the relationship didn't last long.
10. If you never had sex again, how would you feel? There are more important things in life. I went long enough in the past without sex, that I wouldn't be too bothered. Yeah, I might think of all the fun I'm missing out on, but then I think of the "task"....

redfox123

I would agree with the above poster, you need to ask yourself uncomfortable questions, not necessarily answer here, but without any real self enquiry then how will you resolve this issue? You keep saying I don’t know, no one here can resolve your doubts only you can find out what’s missing, and then possibly advise from there. You know you wouldn’t really be content with this stagnant situation the rest of your life so just take a while to ask yourself questions even if it is hard to be honest with yourself.
You may need some therapy around the hang ups, you can’t have a good intimate relationship if they are festering in the background. It seems they’ve been left to grow and it’s resulted in avoiding it as it’s too much effort. But if you work on the emotional side, intimacy and being vulnerable and open with your gf then the rest may eventually happen naturally.

cannotlogin

I expected your responses to provide more insight but they are very vague and you seem indifferent to everything, sex, your relationship, your girlfriend.

The only other thing I can think of is perhaps indifference apply to other aspects of your life too. Could you be mildly depressed perhaps? Self esteem issues too maybe? Worried about performance etc.

I can't understand why your girlfriend is still hanging in there. I know if I was her, the indifference, lack of intimacy, rejection would be too much for me.

I don't really understand why you are in a relationship either, considering you are so indifferent. Seems like both of you consider to staying easier than leaving even though neither of you are happy.

Hope someone else can help you more because I'm at a loss. Sorry. I don't even know what you want or hope to get in terms of advice really.

LegacyUser

So you've had a partner where you wanted to Rio their clothes off and in casual sex you enjoy it....you also mention you wonder if she enjoys it etc....

Kind of sounds like you can have great sex, you just haven't had it with many partners/often...so maybe have a think about what it was that made the chemistry in both the above situations. There's some good videos on YouTube from the school of Life that discuss how we're attracted to ppl that embody some unresolved issue within ourselves...so if you always felt not good enough as a kid, you are drawn to ppl that being those feelings back.. sounds weird but it makes sense...

Also, have a look at the type of sex you had that turned you on..it might be something you can explore more and see what tickles you...if sex is a chore, it sounds like you're not getting enough from.it

LegacyUser

cannotlogin wrote: »

I expected your responses to provide more insight but they are very vague and you seem indifferent to everything, sex, your relationship, your girlfriend.

The only other thing I can think of is perhaps indifference apply to other aspects of your life too. Could you be mildly depressed perhaps? Self esteem issues too maybe? Worried about performance etc.

I can't understand why your girlfriend is still hanging in there. I know if I was her, the indifference, lack of intimacy, rejection would be too much for me.

I don't really understand why you are in a relationship either, considering you are so indifferent. Seems like both of you consider to staying easier than leaving even though neither of you are happy.

Hope someone else can help you more because I'm at a loss. Sorry. I don't even know what you want or hope to get in terms of advice really.

I typed my replies at work this morning hence the short replies. I will expand on them properly over the next day or so once I get proper time and will address some of the things you raised just there as well.

JeffKenna

Hi OP,

I don't want to scare monger but the quote about going weeks and weeks without self pleasure stuck out to me. Have you ever gone to a Doctor about this or examined the possibility you have some form of depression?

LegacyUser

Ok, I'm going to tackle these again:

1. Have you a sex drive?

Yes and no. Well, I don't think about it everyday like some people do, and it's not the first thing that comes into my head when I'm with my partner, but what does come into my head is that "we should be having sex". Yes, I would have had a higher sex drive years ago. (I'm in my early 40s) One thing I have noticed is when I have been drunk, and I don't drink much, I get an increase sex drive. It's always been the case. Having to get drunk to have sex is not a good habit though.

2. Has it changed or just you previously made an effort even if not bothered?

Yes, I would say it's changed. There would have been times in the past when I would have had to make the effort to have sex. I kind of feel I'm in that area now.

3. What about self pleasure? Porn? Etc?

Not a whole lot to be honest. Again, not something I feel I need to be doing to keep my self satisfied.

4. Any interest in the above or indifferent as well?

Not much interest in porn anymore. I don't see the point of it, and it's not realistic obviously.

5. Why are you with your girlfriend?

In the past, the minute an issue raised its head, I was gone. This time I feel like I owe it to myself and my partner to try try try to see if we can make things right. I could be fooling myself, but worse case scenario, I can look back and say I tried everything....

6. What are the sexual hang ups you mention?

As I mentioned, like it's a chore or a task. It's always been like that. I've always thought that I have to satisfy the woman. That's the main objective.

7. Do you want to change them or are you happy as things are?

They have to change. The situation we are in is not normal, I don't care what other people do or don't do. I don't think it's normal, but fear I could end up in the same scenario if I am with someone else in the future.

8. Is there any change that you don't believe you can have a great girlfriend and a great sex life & there's some sort of weird compromise going on subconsciously?

I don't know. I think if you're holding out for the perfect everything, you'll be waiting for the rest of your life. Nobody is perfect, but a good sex life would be great I guess. I'm not sure I would ever have it with my current partner but sex now for me isn't a big big deal....

9. Was there someone you were with that you did want to rip their clothes off? Yes, and I knocked it on the head for stupid reasons looking back.

10. If you never had sex again, how would you feel?

Wouldn't be the worst thing in the world, but there are a few sexual things I'd like to experience....

And to the last poster, yes, I've been on anti depressants since 2017, not very strong doses I might add, but on them all the same. My goal is to get off them this year. To be honest I don't think they work, as I can still get down from time to time, but I'm mainly taking them to tackle intrusive thoughts, which I've had for years. Less so since I'm on the pills. Coincidence or not? Who knows...

tara73

Sorry if I missed it but are you doing councelling at the moment, be it for yourself or together? Or did you ever do it?

To me it sounds like you are more depressed than you want to realise or admit. You are already on antidepressants and are talking about getting off them. I would strongly recommend talking to your GP first. He might prescribe you something different from what you're taking now or increase your dose.

cannotlogin

Hi, I know I said I was out but given you took the trouble to response, only right that I reply.

I know medical advice is not allowed but I really think you need to speak to your doctor again and tell them everything. Counselling might also be a help.

Good luck and hope things work out.

LegacyUser

I have been to counselling as well, on my own, and as a couple. On my own, I suppose I was trying to get to the bottom of my attitudes to sex, my general "not bothered" passive approach to life etc. Ongoing...