Feel guilty about leaving my mam

dixxiestickks

Last year my mam was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. It was devastating for my whole family, she never smoked her whole life and was always really healthy. I love her so much and I'm only in my early 20s so I've really struggled to deal with it.

I had always planned to go travelling this year prior to my mams diagnosis. She couldn't have encouraged me more, all she wanted was for me to go, and not to be held back by her. When she was diagnosed I deferred my travel plans but then she started on a treatment that worked really well and all her tumours started shrinking. So my friend and I decided to go ahead with plans to travel for 6months. I still feel so scared about leaving, even though her treatment is successful and I am only ever a day away. I feel scared and guilty about leaving her, I love her so much and she is my best friend. Part of me really wants to go and see the world, the other part of me wants to be here with the person I care about so much

She is telling me this is the right thing and she is happy for me but I cant shake the guilt about leaving her (even though right now she is doing great!) how do i deal with this??

fineso.mom

I have children your age OP and I can understand where she is coming from. I want my children to see as much of the world as they can. Seeing your children happy and having great experiences is one of the best parts of being a parent. I totally understand the guilt you feel but honestly,listen to her. She wants you to go. So listen to her and realise that you will be making her happy by going. Of course she will miss you but you are not going forever,you can call and skype. And if something happens you can be home in a day. I'd hate to think any of my children held off on a brilliant experience because they felt guilty,especially as she is doing well right now. I've a daughter in Canada following her dream, I miss her but am not sad , I'm so happy for her.
Make her happy and go. Enjoy every minute, she will be delighted for you. X

never_mind

Tbh OP, and this is not what you or others might like to hear, but I would cancel my plans. Your mother has cancer and while her treatment is going well I think you wouldn’t properly enjoy being away knowing she’s at home.

It’s up to you but do what you think is right, she’s not going to hold you back but I don’t think she’s the issue... you’re guilty about going and I would feel the same. What’s another few months of staying around and supporting her? When she is disease free you can go. You’re young, you’ve your whole life to travel... our parents won’t be around forever.

wildwillow

I curtailed my travels as my mother had a serious heart attack when I was 18, she was 50. Heart problems in her family and some siblings died young.

So every holiday I booked the worry was there that she would not survive. She did have several other episodes but none as serious.

Fast forward 48 years to her death age 98 and she had seen off all her siblings, my father, my child and most of her neighbours.

One can never tell how long we have left. With lung cancer, if it returns, there will be symptoms which will give you time to return.

Your mother will be able to keep in touch and do ask a trusted family member to keep you truthfully up to date with her health.

She will feel guilty if you stay. Go enjoy yourself but keep in touch.

Emme

OP if your mother really wants you to go then go. Set her up on Skype and Whatsapp so you can keep her up to date with all the places you go and everything you see. If possible send her daily updates with lots of pictures and little films. She will live for this. Maybe she wanted to see the world and never got the chance. So you can show her some of it. If she is well enough when you get back (hopefully she will make it through) you can take her somewhere you have been that you know she will like.

meeeeh

I would say go but it is lung cancer which is as far as I know one of pretty bad ones even in earlier stages. I might be a bit biased since OH's father currently suffers from it. I think he is older than your mother and he has other health issues but he spent an awful lot of time in hospital last few months with pneumonia. I think you have to take into consideration that she could spend weeks or months in hospital and you won't be around to visit her. It's up to you to decide if that's something you can live with. (I don't mean it in judgemental way, I live in a different country than my parents and I won't be around much if something like this happens).

poisonated

I would say go however I do think it depends on a number of things. I think only you can decide. I know that’s probably not what you want to hear. It would be awful if you missed her death but I’d she really wants you to go then make her happy and go.

ILoveYourVibes

I wouldn't go until her cancer is gone.

I wouldnt leave if it is was my mother but at the same time if I was sick I'd want them to go. As another poster said set up Skype and WhatsApp and ye can yap whenever ye like. WhatsApp would suffice alone as they have video chat I think.

You don't know what's around the corner for yourself either; work, relationship, a baby, whatever and you may miss your window to travel while young. As you said you're only a day away.

I regret not doing more with my earlier 20s.

fineso.mom

fineso.mom wrote: »

I have children your age OP and I can understand where she is coming from. I want my children to see as much of the world as they can. Seeing your children happy and having great experiences is one of the best parts of being a parent. I totally understand the guilt you feel but honestly,listen to her. She wants you to go. So listen to her and realise that you will be making her happy by going. Of course she will miss you but you are not going forever,you can call and skype. And if something happens you can be home in a day. I'd hate to think any of my children held off on a brilliant experience because they felt guilty,especially as she is doing well right now. I've a daughter in Canada following her dream, I miss her but am not sad , I'm so happy for her.
Make her happy and go. Enjoy every minute, she will be delighted for you. X

This post has said what I was trying to say but put it far more eloquently. Great post.

Shybride2016

Hi OP,

Firstly sorry to hear of your mam’s health issues, it’s very tough to deal with all the emotions.

Not exactly the same, but your post resonated so much with me. When I was in my early 20’s my BFF was diagnosed with a return of her previous cancer. I had plans that summer to head away travelling which I cancelled in a heartbeat.

I knew in my heart of hearts as soon as she told me I didn’t want to go and so I cancelled with zero regrets. IMO it’s all very well everyone telling you to head off but it doesn’t help you figure out what’s best for you.

If you’re genuinely torn about whether or not to go, why not write a list out of positives and negatives about going and staying, purely from your own heart & see what that throws up?

It’s a loooong time since I was in my early 20’s and yes I’ve never been to Australia or Canada or Thailand since but I have zero regrets about staying with my BFF. I made the decision myself for myself so I didn’t feel regretful or resentful about it one bit. When people are pushing you and there are so many conflicting voices telling you what you “should” do, it’s actually IMO not helping you one bit so take the time to yourself and really think about what you want to do.

Good luck with your decision and I hope your mam’s health continues to improve.

Happy4all

OP, had a similar situation with stage 4 lung cancer for family member. Despite all the seemingly positives of treatment, they died within 3 months.

Biggest questions for you, how will you feel/deal if you get bad news while travelling?

speak with the specialist doctors. They were very accurate in terms of timeframe remaining in our case.

Whatever decision you make don't feel guilty. As a parent, I wouldnt ever want to hold my child back and your mother's blessing will be genuine and heartfelt.

If you were asking me the question personally, I would postpone and do that travelling at a later date.

Paddy Cow

How about a compromise. Instead of going for 6 months, 6 weeks instead? That way you keep your mother happy because you've travelled but you'll also be at home in case things take a turn for the worse. Of all the cancers, lung cancer is one of them I fear most as very few people survive for long. If your mother got sick when you were away, you could come home but then spend years beating yourself up for leaving for half a year. No one knows how long she has got or how your future self will feel about the choice you make now. It really is one of those dilemmas where there is no clear solution. Wish you and your mother all the best.

lillycakes2

I would definitely not go....., stay with your mam, you have all the time in the world to go travelling, you don't have all the time in the world with your mam

Put yourself in her shoes, would you mind if she said to you (if you had her illness) that she was going travelling for 6 months?

Ursus Horribilis

Mums will always tell you to go travelling. It's what they do. If it was me, I'd postpone it. You only get one mum. I don't want to be a Debbie Downer but I know someone who buried a family member who had stage four cancer recently. The guy was doing well enough but then had to be hospitalised. Nobody was particularly concerned and thought he'd be out after not too long. In hospital he went rapidly downhill and died within a couple of days. Would you be able to live with a scenario like that?

kunst nugget

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

I wouldn't go until her cancer is gone.

Stage 4 is a terminal diagnosis.

LegacyUser

If you go away you will be relying on other people to make a call about your mum's health.

My mother died a few years ago after a long illness. We thought she was going to die a few times before she actually did. She'd go into hospital and then make a recovery and get discharged. This went on for a few months before she finally died. We were lucky (if you can call it that) that we knew her final hospital admission was going to be it. Even so, some of her family didn't make it to the hospital before she had died.

Every time she went into hospital, we debated how seriously ill she was this time and whether her family who live far away should come see her. One of my brothers lives a few hours away and is juggling a high-pressure job and a young family. Every time he came to see mum he had to make arrangements for his job and childcare. I live locally so I knew what was going on. My dad didn't want to be troubling this brother and having him make unnecessary journeys. I made it my business to keep him up to date because dad couldn't be relied on.

If you happen to be abroad if the worst came to the worst, would you be sure that your family would tell you what's going on? Your mother could be equally as guilty of keeping you in the dark as the rest of them too. She might not want to be ruining your travels by calling you back. When is a trip into hospital just a trip into hospital? When is it someone's final journey? It's up to you what to do. I am glad I was around when my mum was dying. I made other sacrifices too and have no regrets.

lainey_d_123

I wouldn't go right now, OP. You have your whole life to go travelling. It might not feel like it now, but loads of people don't get the chance until they're well into their twenties or even thirties. You only have one mam. I personally wouldn't enjoy the trip because I'd be so worried and anxious and also just wanting to spend every possible moment with my loved one. What difference would it make if you went in a year, or two years or even in 5-10 years? I was 30 before I did any real, serious travelling and the hostels were full of people my age and older. I know in your early twenties it feels like your 'chance' to travel and things like that, but nowadays you can do that much older. I'd definitely stick around.

alroley

Sorry to hear about this.

To be honest, I really would not be going if your mother has stage four lung cancer.

radiotrickster

Really sorry about your Mam, OP.

I know someone who’s Mam was diagnosed just before he set off to go to Australia with his mates for a year. They said she had a few months to live and so he cancelled and stayed here. His mates went off, the year came and went and his mates were back but she was still here. He had no regrets though. He said the memories with his Mam were worth more than the memories he would have made abroad. I guess, it’s up to you now to figure out if you feel the same.

And anyway, he found the chance to do the year in Australia later in life. He ended up meeting his partner and as far as I know, he never moved back to Ireland.

‘What’s meant for you won’t pass you,’ as they say. If you’re meant to travel, you’ll travel. Forget about it for a week and you’ll eventually realise what you want to do, either way.

tcif

Hi OP, I also lost my lovely Mum to lung cancer a few years ago and my view would be that the world will still be there in 6 months or 12 months but will your Mum?

Six months is a long time with stage 4 lung cancer and when I look back at the time I spent with my Mum in the last months of her life (I took time off work to be with her) not for anything would I trade one second of it. We talked and laughed and went over old stories, drank endless cuppas, went over all the old photo albums, went out while she still could and then stayed home and and chatted with her friends that called. These memories are so precious to be now.

When there's no more time to be had you realize how incredibly precious time is with the ones you love - grab it with both hands while you still can.

The_Conductor

OP- had a not dissimilar type situation.
Just because your Mum is doing really well now- does not mean its going to remain that way.
My Mum was doing great, went swimming on Christmas Day etc.
By new years day she was unable to walk.
I'm still not sure how Dad managed to bring her home (from Portugal) without assistance, but he did.
She passed away on the 12th February- when she had been happily swimming just 6 weeks previously.

Don't take anything for granted. I'd seriously suggest you put your travels on hold for a year or two- even if your Mum is doing great now- you cannot have any idea how she'll be in a week, two weeks or 2 month's time.

Spend time with her now- you won't regret it.

mitresize5

Id stay at home too.

Your mother says she wants you to go but I imagine thats Mams being Mams and putting her kids before herself again.

I had cancer in my early 20's and while I put on a brave face for everyone else I was absolutely terrified internally. Underneath that tough motherly exterior I'm sure your mother is the same.

The world will always be there and at your early 20's you have a lot of living to do.

jon1981

Mothers will always sacriface her own wishes for her children. Of course she will tell you to go, shes probably trying her best to keep things normal for you.

OP, you should cancel. Plenty of years ahead for you to pick this up again.

Im also biased, having lost my mother at 63 a few months back, the things that eat me up are mainly related to not spending enough time with her and making more time for her in general. That time is gone.

All I'm saying is, think carefully about this, there's a bigger perspective here.

muminpajamas

I have stage 4 cancer too and I love seeing my children living their best lives and going off on trips. One of them is leaving to go on a holiday next week. This is what makes me happy. I'd be sad if they left for 6 months though because it might be the last time I would see them. As for the doctors being able to give you a realistic timeline in my experience it has not been the case at all. Would you be able to break the travel into shorter segments?

pinkyeye

God OP I feel for you, it's a tough one. I started off thinking you should go but when I read the thread I changed my mind.

I'm a mother with children your age and older and I'd probably say the same to them but someone made the point earlier that stage 4 is not a good diagnosis and given that you can travel at any time especially up to 30 years of age I would put it off.

woodchuck

OP I don't know if you've made your decision yet, but I'm going to go against the majority here and suggest that you stick to your travel plans.

You said yourself that she's in recovery, she wants you to go and it sounds like you want to go too. I know some people are saying that you can travel any time. But realistically, you might not have another opportunity to go away for this long. It's harder to do these things as you get older, when you're working your way up the career laddar, you see your friends settling down, buying houses, having kids etc. NOW is the ideal time for you to go (when you're young and carefree with no committments) and I think you should do it.

If (god forbid) your mothers health did take a turn, you're only ever a day or two away. Just make sure that you have someone you trust to keep you fully informed about her health.

Addle

I think you’ll never regret not going as much as you might regret going.
You have time, your mother doesn’t have as much.
I couldn’t go. I know plenty who would though.

rock22

Agree with woodchuck.

Go. it is what your mother says she wants. I know if I was in your mothers place I too would be telling you to get on with your life.

Ursus Horribilis

Do what's right for you, not your mother. She will probably want you to go. But you are the one who will have to live with the consequences, good or bad, of doing this travelling. If you're at peace with not being there for her if she deteriorates or dies, that's your choice. Make sure you have no regrets, whatever you choose to do.

Sagats_knee

6 months is a long time, if God forbid she was to deteriorate and end up on her death bed, and you knew in advance that this was a possibility and went off on a 6 month jolly anyway, the guilt of knowing you weren’t there for her will gnaw at you forever.

Plenty of opportunities to go travelling in the future, you can make up for the missed travel opportunity later but you’ve only got one Mom, and you’ll never be able to make up for not being by her side during her twilight days.

Paddy Cow

rock22 wrote: »

Agree with woodchuck.

Go. it is what your mother says she wants. I know if I was in your mothers place I too would be telling you to get on with your life.

Any parent worth their salt will always want their child to live their best life. I don't doubt that the op's mother wants them go continue living life and would love to hear stories but we have to face reality here. She has stage 4 lung cancer. Lung cancer is one of the worst and does not have a great survival rate.

Yes the op is only a plane journey away if she takes a turn for the worst and they maybe there for the end but it's what comes afterwards that may fcuk the op up. I was mid 30's when my mother died from cancer and even though I knew she was dying, after the funeral the grief hit me like a tone of bricks. Guilt is a massive part of the grieving process and even though I knew I spent as much time as possible with her, I still felt like I could've done more. I was talking to my sister and she felt the same. Even though we knew it wasn't rational, we still went over things and wished we'd done this and that. I've come to terms with it now and while I'll always miss my mother, I'm at peace with everything leading up to her passing.

6 months is a long time to be gone. Anything could happen. Op is only early 20's and losing a parent at that age is going to be devastating. My worry for the op is that if they go travelling now and something bad happens, whenever they look back at photo's of that time, they won't think "oh Mum wanted me to go travelling so this is a happy memory" and instead will be wrecked with guilt and think "instead of going off, why didn't I spend every second I could with her?".

Intellectually I understand the argument - op wants to travel and Mum encourages this. Emotionally I think this could haunt the op for years to come. You can always travel, you can't always spend time with loved ones.

Paddy Cow

Sagats_knee wrote: »

6 months is a long time, if God forbid she was to deteriorate and end up on her death bed, and you knew in advance that this was a possibility and went off on a 6 month jolly anyway, the guilt of knowing you weren’t there for her will gnaw at you forever.

Plenty of opportunities to go travelling in the future, you can make up for the missed travel opportunity later but you’ve only got one Mom, and you’ll never be able to make up for not being by her side during her twilight days.

100% this.