Supporting a friend during a break up.

MSGSM

Hey. Just looking for some advice.

My friend is going through a very tough time at the moment.
His gf of 10 years left him 8 weeks ago. He's 26 and she's 24. Tey have a son who's turning 3 in a month as well.
He was dumbfounded cos he felt like he done nothing wrong. She started chatting blaming him for not treating her well enough. He's a good guy but he runs his own business so he has admitted maybe he wasn't being attentive enough. He apologised and said he wanted to try his best to be a better boyfriend to her but she wasn't having it. Over the last 8 weeks he's grovelled and grovelled but she kept saying she couldn't forgive him. The puzzling part was she kept saying she loved him so so much but she just couldn't go back. We were dumbfounded as to why she wasnt even willing to try. She seduced him once or twice too to sleep with her during this time.
All in all his head was a mess the last 8 weeks. It turns out she had slept with his best friend and my friend had always said that if she cheated, then he could never get back with her. She knew this so most likely felt like she didn't deserve him anymore hence why she cudnt try even though she wanted to. She's over in England ATM for get brothers wedding and turns out that she's admitted to sleeping with a married man over there. She even said to my friend that she 'really likes him'.
So it's not only the hurt of all this but she has been making him believe he's been in the wrong and making him apologise for the last 7-8 weeks. Reeling him in and pushing him out. His life has been a nightmare.
I spent last night with him cos frankly he is suicidal. He tried to commit suicide 4 weeks ago but thankfully was saved. I'm not used to this kind of situation tho and I suffer from a few mental health disorders myself so I find myself getting stressed over it. I'm stressed in case he needs me and I can't be there for whatever reason. I worry that I may start pouring from an empty cup because I need to look after myself due to my own illnesses. I'm a big mental health advocate and am vocal about fellas being open and honest so he feels that he can be open with me which I'm delighted about and so proud of him. I just worry, I won't be able to help him fully.
I also feel selfish for feeling like this.

Any advice would be much appreciated.
Thanks

leggo

You’re not being selfish. Look up ‘empathy fatigue’, it’s a very common thing that people experience whenever they’re being unloaded on.

The fact that he has expressed suicidal thoughts makes this very serious. I’d definitely involve any family or people who’d be responsible for his care at this time. He may not like it at first, but then again his brain isn’t in the right place to see things clearly considering he’s thinking about killing himself. You’re his friend and it sounds like you’ve been a great friend, but his entire wellbeing is not your responsibility and it’s inevitable that eventually this burden will become too much when you have your own life to think of too. So share the load and let others know what the situation is. If he’s unhappy with that, he’ll likely come around when he’s in a better place. And if he doesn’t then it’s just proof that it wasn’t a worthy investment of all this energy.

MSGSM

leggo wrote:

You’re not being selfish. Look up ‘empathy fatigue’, it’s a very common thing that people experience whenever they’re being unloaded on.

Never heard of that. Thank you for the info.

leggo wrote:

The fact that he has expressed suicidal thoughts makes this very serious. I’d definitely involve any family or people who’d be responsible for his care at this time. He may not like it at first, but then again his brain isn’t in the right place to see things clearly considering he’s thinking about killing himself. You’re his friend and it sounds like you’ve been a great friend, but his entire wellbeing is not your responsibility and it’s inevitable that eventually this burden will become too much when you have your own life to think of too. So share the load and let others know what the situation is. If he’s unhappy with that, he’ll likely come around when he’s in a better place. And if he doesn’t then it’s just proof that it wasn’t a worthy investment of all this energy.

Thanks Leggo. Much appreciated. His family know and they are a good support. He doesn't have many close friends. His ex cheated with the guy who he thought was his best friend so he says good trust is broken as regards friends. He says I'm his closest friend. Tbh I'd be somewhat of an introvert. I love helping people but it drains me a lot and I'm not used to this kind of intensity regarding helping someone but I suppose it just means its time to stand up and be counted.

leggo

It’s not your responsibility to ‘stand up and be counted’ though. Unless you’re a trained professional, when someone is threatening their own life, you also aren’t qualified to take that on and would be better pointing him in a direction where he can help himself. You don’t have to abandon the chap, you can support from a distance that doesn’t drain you, but you’re also not helping him most effectively by ‘standing up’ as the barrier between him and his suicidal thoughts. Someone who is qualified can do this more effectively than you and it’s his family’s responsibility to put in the hours in between making sure he’s alright.

MSGSM

leggo wrote:

It’s not your responsibility to ‘stand up and be counted’ though. Unless you’re a trained professional, when someone is threatening their own life, you also aren’t qualified to take that on and would be better pointing him in a direction where he can help himself. You don’t have to abandon the chap, you can support from a distance that doesn’t drain you, but you’re also not helping him most effectively by ‘standing up’ as the barrier between him and his suicidal thoughts. Someone who is qualified can do this more effectively than you and it’s his family’s responsibility to put in the hours in between making sure he’s alright.

That's very true too. Thank you Leggo. Much appreciated.

Dtp1979

The girl is a tramp. Your friend is better off without her. Hopefully one day he’ll realise this