Feeling so lost

babynice

Hi everyone,

Obviously there are much worse things that people are going through, but my life has been kind of flipped upside down over the last few weeks.

First off, I got a new job after nearly 4 years of working at my old one. It was my first ever job. I made a lot of friends there, who totally brought me out of my shell. These people always brought me out with them and always included me. Before this I suffered from social anxiety and never went out at all or did anything out of my comfort zone. I really felt for the first time that I fit in here, compared to school or university. But most of the people in the job were just work friends, apart from 1/2 that I actually socialise with.

I also met my boyfriend working at this job. We were together for 2 years, and it was my first long relationship. We had a very close relationship all along. He was always attentive and reliable. I considered him my best friend for a long time. But about two months ago he got his own car (before this I drove him a lot), and roughly the same day I had found out I got this job. It’s a good job in the civil service, better than where we worked before. Anyway, almost overnight the relationship totally changed. He was constantly with his friends, always cancelling plans and always late when we did have plans.

Towards the end I would never hear from him unless I contacted him first. He would go days with out as much a texting me. We agreed that we would try to meet up with each other 3/4 times a week now that he had his own car and we no longer worked together. He never bothered trying to stick to this and picked his friends every time. He also told me during an argument that he preferred his friends to me. The day before I started in the new job, he had said we would go away for the day. I rang him in the afternoon. He screamed at me down the phone because I had woken him up. I asked when he would be ready to go and he said he was going back to sleep and whenever he wakes up. The was the last thing I needed as I was nervous about starting a new job the next day. The day I started he said he would meet me that night. He was over an hour late because he went to get food with his friend, and didn’t arrive until 11.30pm. He made no apologies for being late. He let me speak about my first day for about 1 minute before launching into a rant about how he was mad to get out of his own job.

I broke up with him after one week in the new job. So within a week I had lost my boyfriend, my work friends and any sense of familiarity. Most of my friends are abroad, or taken up with their own relationships. I come home in the evenings and might go to the gym, and might see friends once a week if I’m lucky.

I feel so down about all this lately. I can’t stop thinking about my ex, and how he just turned on me after two years together. Looking back now he always treated me like dirt, but I always stood by him because I loved him.

We are still in contact with each other after breaking up. He said he was sorry and he would change, he said he was willing to make more of effort with me and asked if we could try again. I told him I didn’t think we should but would consider it. I met him on Monday and haven’t heard from him since. I know he’s not going to change his selfish ways but I just can’t get him out of my head.

okiss

Hi Babynice,
I know you have gone through a lot of changes in a short period of time.
You drove your boyfriend around and once he got a car he started to put his friends first. The day you started your new job he was not willing to hear about your day but started to complain about his job.
You did the right thing ending things with him. It's not easy ending a 2 year relationship even when it more bad than good. You gave him chances to change but he was not willing to do this. You deserve to be with someone who treats you properly and not someone who is just using you.

I know it hard to leave a job where you were happy and had friends. You took your new job because it has better money and has better long term prospects. You should start to chat to the people you work with on your brakes and lunch time. Why not say to them would you like to go out for a drink or a meal out on Friday night or on pay day? You made friends in your last job so give yourself some time in the new job and I am sure you will have a new group of friends.

I would also contact your other friends and arrange to meet up with them. Also have a look online and see if their any local groups you could get involved in. At the end of Aug or early September various evening classes will be starting so you could find a class to do a night or two a week. These classes cover a wide range of interests and are a good way of meeting people.

Most people go though a relationship brake up, changing jobs or friends changing or moving on or away. You just dealing with this all at the one time so no wonder your feeling a bit lost. Just give yourself some time and it will get better. Congratulations on the new job and I hope it all goes well for you.

lulu1

I know it must be hard for you op with everything happening at the same time but dont even think about going back to this loser who only seems to fit you in between outings with his friends. you deserve much better than

Ursus Horribilis

I'm not surprised you're going through a tough time. Changing jobs is quite an upheaval in its own right, without adding a break-up into the mix.

You are being very hard on yourself and I think that's not helping you deal with all these changes. Maybe instead of harking back to the person you were at school and at college, it's time to look at what you're like now. You moved on to a workplace where you came out of your shell and people liked you. That's quite a leap, isn't it? There is no reason why you can't go on to make friends in your new workplace. Coming into a new workplace where there are long-established friendships/working relationships going on isn't easy. But if you make the effort to get to know your new colleagues, you'll find some friendly faces.

As for your boyfriend, you're better off without him. I can understand why you want him back in your life but nothing you've written puts him in a good light. Break-ups can be messy. This talk of trying again is the last sting of a dying wasp. He too is adjusting to being single again so he's struggling a bit with it. But not to the extent you are. Make no mistake about it - he is ready to move on.

It's time to cut contact with him and stop pining for him. Block his number and delete/block him from social media. There are two main reasons for this. One is that you'll struggle to get over him if there is still contact going on between you. The other is that you'll be gutted when you start seeing photos of him draped around other girls on nights out.

Be gentle on yourself. It is going to take time to get used to a life without him. Have a look around to see if there are any things you can do in the evenings that'll get you out of the house. Ways to broaden your social circle. You mentioned the gym - are there any classes you could go to and meet people there? You came out of your shell in your last workplace. You can do it again in other parts of your life. And you should reflect on why you put up with your boyfriend's shoddy treatment of you throughout the relationship.

babynice

Thank you all for replying. Ye are definitely right. I need to get myself out more, and join something. I do get on very well with the people I’m working with now but they would all be considerably older than I am. So I don’t know if they would be inclined to meet outside of work. I will reach out to my own friends for sure. I have arranged to meet one friend tomorrow and found out that another friend will be coming back from abroad.

As for my ex, I think I am finding hard to forget him because things changed so fast. He was always the one talking about our plans for the future. Obviously now I know he was just telling me what I wanted to hear and was fooling me. I think I was inexperienced at relationships and he took advantage of me. Looking bad we had a very turbulent relationship. He drank a lot at times and had an awful temper. It was all give and no take.

I am annoyed at myself because I allowed him to treat me like that and walk all over me for two years. I did everything for him! I would usually not put up with crap from anyone, but when it came to him I put up with an awful lot.

I’m annoyed as well because he owes me money and I feel like he has no intention of giving it back to me. I’m not sure if there is anything I can do about this? It’s a few hundred euro.

Ellie2008

Hi OP,

Well done on going for & getting & better job, & breaking up with your ex! Both those things will pay off in the long term.

I don’t think you need anyone to tell you someone who can’t be bothered making any effort isn’t for you. Maybe the relationship seemed better than it was because it was handy for both of you as you saw so much of each other anyway. Maybe he’s a bit jealous of your new job! If he can’t even be bothered now he’s not going to change, he sounds like he has a bit of growing up to do, don’t waste your youth on a man-child, you are worth more than that!

If I were you I’d take up a hobby or a night course that’s a group activity. There are tons in UCD for example & they are affordable. I’d also do your best to keep in touch with your friends from your previous job, even the “work friends”, I have friends who were work friends one of you has to make the effort to cross that line & it might work out well, if it doesn’t it’s no big deal sone friendships don’t transition but you’ll never know unless you try.

babynice

Thanks Ellie. You are totally right in what you are saying. Onwards and upwards from here!

I am feeling much better as the days go on. Still in disbelief that I put up with so much crap from someone who claimed to apparently love me! It gets me a bit down at times but I am trying to put him in the back of my mind.

jopax

OMG, that is a lot of changes going on for you.
I know you mightn't see it now but in time you have been given a blessing in disguise.
That person that you called a boyfriend is pure toxic.
He is jealous of you & your new job, & the most obvious is a complete user. Please don't have anything to do with him, you've seen him now for what he is & just run.
You sound like a lovely person so I'm sure in time you will make good friends in your new workplace.
Keep believing in yourself & your worth, you deserve so much better.

Lux23

babynice - do you still live at home? The only reason I mention it is that I was in my early 20s, I suddenly found myself with no friends - they all moved away or got into relationships, so I had no one really. I decided to move into a houseshare, and it was one of the greatest decisions I ever made. I met new people around my age, who were into going out and although it took me until my 30s to meet someone, I had a fantastic time as a single woman in my 20s.

If you are living away from home if you can afford it, maybe look into moving into a place with younger people to pall around with?

ILoveYourVibes

When your life falls apart you are left with no choice but to build it up again.

The good thing about this is you can build it anyway you want.

You can try for any new job. You can make any friends.

You can re invent you and your life.

You can date any guy you want now.

This is silly but when something like this happened to me ..i used to think of a celebrity and go ..ok now i can date him etc.

I know that is stupid. But it just opens your perspective etc.