Getting involved in a possible domestic abuse?

FrankC21

Hi guys, I have a friend who have a problem with her husband, she constantly cries and open up to me that her husband physically hurts their 12 year old Autistic child by punching, it got to the point which herself too gets physically abuse such as hitting her on the face and other parts of her body which leaves bruising. They also have a young daughter which also gets hit when the husband gets frustrated. My friend is really upset, she's afraid to tell anyone but me, i told her to tell the authority but she is afraid to end up with a broken family, she doesn't want her kids to grow up without a father. I am not sure what to do, should I get involved? or let them sort it out. I also think she is afraid to raise her autistic child on her own.

PirateShampoo

Unfortunately you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. Get involved and you will become the villain it's a no win situation for you.

Sephiroth_dude

Mod

Hi OP I'm gonna move this to personal issues as I think it might be better suited there than in AH, please be patient with the mods as they decide if its suitable for PI or not.

wiggle16

Mod note:

Thanks Sephiroth.

Thread reopened. PI charter now applies.

eviltwin

Can you really turn a blind eye to child abuse? Your friend makes her own choice but come on, he's hitting a child with autism?!!

Contact Tusla and make a report. You owe it to those kids.

Hithere246

You must report this. Unfortunately, many people in domestic abuse situations cannot see a way out as it's often coupled with emotional abuse. The abused will often believe that they love the abuser and cannot live without them.
But you're not just dealing with an adult here. There are children involved that need to be protected from further abuse and from possibly being killed. Report it.

wiggle16

OP you should report this. There is nothing else you can do.

Your friend is in an abusive relationship - she is not thinking clearly, because she's afraid of him.

If it were the case that he was hitting her and not the kids, there would be little you could do but support her and try to get her to access help. But there are children involved - they live with two adults, one who hits them and another who is afraid. They don't have anyone to speak up for them. You need to report this to the Gardaí or Tusla.

If you knew there was child sexual abuse going on, you would not hesitate to report it - for all intents and purposes this isn't any different. It cannot be allowed to continue.
Most reports of this nature can be made anonymously. I know that's not much good to you since as far as you know you're the only person she has told, but this situation is bigger than your friendship with her.

In some ways you are the right person to report this because you know the ins and outs - if the child turns up to school with bruising and the school intervenes they won't know off hand who is actually hitting the child.

It's not an easy thing to do but you need to report this.

Vic_08

eviltwin wrote: »

Can you really turn a blind eye to child abuse? Your friend makes her own choice but come on, he's hitting a child with autism?!!

Contact Tusla and make a report. You owe it to those kids.

That.

How will you feel if it escalates and you have done nothing to stop it? It is an all too common situation where an abuser kills or seriously injures a victim and people around them had known it had been happening and done nothing.

I would suggest you contact one of the domestic abuse support services and get their advice but realistically now that you know both a woman and child are being abused you need to inform the authorities.

There is no magic solution to these situations but abusers do not stop abusing, it is not going to get better without intervention.

It is very possible that you will be blamed by her for reporting him and if she refuses to co-operate with the Guards and social services they may not have enough evidence to intervene immediately but at the very least it will put the family on the radar of the services.

ILoveYourVibes

But make a report to Tusla. I wouldn't get involved after that.

Your friend needs to learn to stand up and act for herself.

She isn't protecting her children etc. So she in my opinion is part of that abuse.

But I would actually stop being her friend. I wouldn't want that unhealthy environment in my life.

And she needs to become a fully independent adult.

ManOfMystery

If this was domestic abuse between two adults, I would be shocked and do my best to urge the victim to contact the police.

But if there's an innocent child involved- and not only that, but one with special needs? Ring the police yourself, asap. And if it means your friendship goes down the drain, so be it. The safety of that child is the priority now.

ILoveYourVibes

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

But make a report to Tusla. I wouldn't get involved after that.

Your friend needs to learn to stand up and act for herself.

She isn't protecting her children etc. So she in my opinion is part of that abuse.

But I would actually stop being her friend. I wouldn't want that unhealthy environment in my life.

And she needs to become a fully independent adult.

People need support when they’re struggling as the OP’s friend is trying to provide. That’s commendable.

Flakey fair weather friends are absolutely worthless anyway.

1hnr79jr65

Hi Op,

That is an extremely difficult situation, keep a friend or help a child.....

Lets look at 2 angles, first the friend, yes she may be upset and stop talking to you if you report the child abuse. But she may also feel trapped by what is happening and scared.

Second there is a defenseless child with an added difficulty in their life, who cannot protect themselves from an adult. And generally speaking the longer abuse goes on, quiet often it increases in violence potentially leading to an unfortunate end for the victim.

I firmly believe that even if your friend stops speaking to you, they will eventually with help see you did the right thing and down the road the relationship may be mended. Or they might surprise you and not stop talking to you, could be they need that gentle push to help them get free.

But one thing is for certain, you are in the best position to help with that childs protection, the father wont, the mother doesn't feel she can, it is a terrible burden that has fallen on you, BUT taking the action to intervene even just by calling the guards and tusla may save that child's life. Because if the physical abuse does not ruin their life, the mental abuse certainly will.

Do the necessary and right thing, report what is happening and get that child and mother the help they need, the cost is worth it.

Honeydew3456

This is horrifying to read. Jesus christ

You need to contact Tulsa, you now know what he is doing to two defenceless children. I think she has told you as a cry for help for intervention because she is afraid to do it herself.

Better for kids to grow up with no dad and a loving, calm, happy mum, than an abusive bully. Wtf!!!

Omg please contact Tulsa. So sad.

Rubberchikken

until your friend realises that a child with no dad is better than an abusive one, she wont do anything.
i think you gave an obligation to report what youve been told especially as there are kids involved in this behaviour.

Flippyfloppy

'' getting involved with possible domestic abuse'' can be reframed as' helping children being abused'

rock22

As an adult who is aware of child abuse I think you might have a legal obligation to report to Tusla. Even if not legally required you have a moral obligation to protect a child from this abuse. You could also tell your friend you are making a report to Tusla.

LegacyUser

As someone who grew up with a violent mother I would have preferred growing up with no mother. Growing up without a dad sounds like you friend is afraid of leaving, maybe out of fear of her spouse, maybe out of complacency/fear of the unknown.

Follow the good advice of the rest of the posters in this thread.

wiggle16

mod note:

Posters are reminded that PMing another poster in PI is strictly forbidden for a number of reasons. Any private messages received which originate from a PI thread should be reported to a mod or admin. This is for the safety of both the OP and the poster.

Thanks.

IHeartShoes

FrankC21 wrote: »

Hi guys, I have a friend who have a problem with her husband, she constantly cries and open up to me that her husband physically hurts their 12 year old Autistic child by punching, it got to the point which herself too gets physically abuse such as hitting her on the face and other parts of her body which leaves bruising. They also have a young daughter which also gets hit when....

You have a duty to report child abuse if you are aware of it or have concerns that it’s happening, according to the Children First legislation.

You should do so without delay. You might explain that to your friend. She has disclosed it to you and you now have no option but to report it (assaulting the children part). Contact Tusla.

S

Rachiee

As there are children involved you absolutely have to report it to TUSLA. There is no option you are part of allowing the abuse to continue if you know about it and fail to intervene.
I know you don't want to betray your friend, but the children have to come first.

Magicmatilda

The children's first legislation only imposes a duty on people working in certain areas, teachers, nurses, counsellors, youth workers etc.... Not the general public.

That said I personally could not know of a child being abused (in any manner) and stand by and do nothing. Sure that's why there are so many scandals now, people standing by and doing nothing. So I think you should contact tusla and make a report. I would tell your friend you are doing that also. If a friend could not understand my position then it would be a friendship I wouldn't mind losing. Although to be fair it may take her some time to understand as no doubt her mind is not her own at the minute.

leggo

It’s all well and good people saying “Report it to Tusla”, but the almost definite outcome of that is them getting a knock on the door and saying “I’ve no idea about that. I don’t really know that person very well, I don’t know why they told you that.” Tusla aren’t this all-seeing, all-powerful organisation who can just swoop in off one person’s word and take a child from their parents. They’re an Irish product of the dithering HSE who were caught up in a national scandal not too long ago.

If you’re going to report it, and I think you should, then get some evidence and for god’s sake don’t tell your friend you’re going to or they’ll likely just shut you out. Even screenshots of a text conversation detailing the abuse is something more substantial than a cold call to them repeating something said down the pub.

Also be prepared for your friend’s reaction. They might understand one day, but they’re going to take this badly in the short-term. Still, know that you’re doing the right thing.

eviltwin

leggo wrote: »

It’s all well and good people saying “Report it to Tusla”, but the almost definite outcome of that is them getting a knock on the door and saying “I’ve no idea about that. I don’t really know that person very well, I don’t know why they told you that.” Tusla aren’t this all-seeing, all-powerful organisation who can just swoop in off one person’s word and take a child from their parents. They’re an Irish product of the dithering HSE who were caught up in a national scandal not too long ago.

If you’re going to report it, and I think you should, then get some evidence and for god’s sake don’t tell your friend you’re going to or they’ll likely just shut you out. Even screenshots of a text conversation detailing the abuse is something more substantial than a cold call to them repeating something said down the pub.

Also be prepared for your friend’s reaction. They might understand one day, but they’re going to take this badly in the short-term. Still, know that you’re doing the right thing.

It's not about taking the child from the parents, it's about providing support to enable the parent to take care of the child.

Social workers don't turn up at a house and expect to see abuse in action but they are trained to recognise red flags. They will link in with the school and other supports the family may be accessing.

There is a good chance someone has seen something and already reported it, we always think we are the only ones to know abuse is happening but that's rarely the case.

I hope the OP does the right thing. I couldn't live with myself knowing I did nothing to protect a vulnerable child.

qwerty13

You have to report this OP. It would be so really bad if you didn’t. You just can’t leave kids being treated so badly. That would just be a dreadful thing to do.

leggo

eviltwin wrote: »

It's not about taking the child from the parents, it's about providing support to enable the parent to take care of the child.

Social workers don't turn up at a house and expect to see abuse in action but they are trained to recognise red flags. They will link in with the school and other supports the family may be accessing.

There is a good chance someone has seen something and already reported it, we always think we are the only ones to know abuse is happening but that's rarely the case.

I hope the OP does the right thing. I couldn't live with myself knowing I did nothing to protect a vulnerable child.

I’m not disagreeing with anything you say, I’m just saying that while saying “report it to Tusla” may make people feel like they’re helping and the problem is solved, OP may need more practical advice because Tusla aren’t this perfect organisation and can be ineffective if not spoonfed enough info to act on. Just reporting something and assuming the authorities will deal with it may not change the situation one bit.

the14thwarrior

Please report it. think of the children. no point in saying tusla can't help. you don't know that. at least you will have tried.
the scare may be enough
maybe they will help your friend in ways you will never know.

its the right thing to do.

PressRun

leggo wrote: »

I’m not disagreeing with anything you say, I’m just saying that while saying “report it to Tusla” may make people feel like they’re helping and the problem is solved, OP may need more practical advice because Tusla aren’t this perfect organisation and can be ineffective if not spoonfed enough info to act on. Just reporting something and assuming the authorities will deal with it may not change the situation one bit.

I would be advising to report to Tusla regardless. My neighbourhood had an incident with child neglect ongoing over the course of a year and when Tusla were contacted, they worked very swiftly to remedy the situation. Neighbours, family members, and school were contacted and spoken to to get a full picture of what was going on before action was taken. It was actually a very professional procedure.

There really isn't anything else the OP can do. Going over there and getting personally involved isn't going to solve anything either and would probably actually make the situation worse. Involving authorties is actually the best course of action for someone who is essentially an outsider to the situation but feels action needs to be taken.

Neyite

Look, within an abusive relationship the victim's thinking gets skewed. There's a lot of brainwashing that goes on. So, your friend is not thinking logically or straight.

No father is better than an abusive one.
She isn't strong enough to take the steps to protect her children and is misguidedly and mistakenly thinking that keeping the family together is the better path when everyone outside of this situation can see it for what it is. Child abuse.

So I think that you need to be a good friend now and report it. Your friendship may suffer short term but in years to come she more than likely would come to realise what a good friend you really were to step in to protect her children when she herself wasn't able to. You have options. You can report it to the gardai, or Tusla or maybe the children's teacher can report it if you tell them what's going on at home if you don't.

The other thing you could do is talk to Womens' Aid yourself. They are a wealth of information and practical advice and could probably give you a lot of insight into what the process actually is for situations such as these where children are at risk. This could ease your fears of the unknown.