worried my GF won't settle in Dublin

BornIn84

Myself (35) been going out with my girlfriend (25)for 2.5 years now. I’m from Dublin and she’s from Donegal- we live together and work for the same company. I recently feel that time is catching up with me regards making a future. She always jokes that she couldn’t settle in Dublin and I always thought “ah she’ll come around” however lately it’s starting to feel like it could be an issue. We met here in Dublin and I never had any intention of living anywhere else. I know she has a real love for her hometown and she is so happy and content when we visit there. I like visiting but I could never live there. Any time I say that she’s gonna eventually go back she brushes it off and rolls her eyes but she never acknowledges what I’m saying and doesn’t really address it. We were up at a party last week in Donegal and her aunt asked where she’d live and she said Donegal town which totally caught me off guard. Again when I try bring it up she doesn’t wanna confront it. I don’t think she sees that she has time to play with being 10 years younger and isn’t seriously considering me. She could decide to eventually live here but it’s playing on my mind too much lately and causing serious anxiety. If she stays in Dublin for me I’ll fear she resents me, Should I pretty much address her on it and ask her out straight ? Any advice? Cheers

woodchuck

OP I think you need to have a serious conversation with her about this and be clear about what you both want in the future.

However it's not just about what you both want, but what is practical. She might want to live in Donegal, but is it realistic that you'd both find jobs there? It's quite possible that she has a dream about living at home, but hasn't considered the practicalities. She's only 25, so settling down could still be a long way off for her and she hasn't really thought it all through properly.

Bandana boy

unless you fancy a job gutting herons I cant imagine there is much work for you in Donegal.

You could just lean in and enjoy the relationship , by the time she has to make a decision on her future she might have come around to Dublin and her life with you .
Unless your looking to settle down soon and start having kids soon or feel your attractiveness as a partner will be less in the future no need to make a stand on this issue today.

Postgrad10

Why does it have to be Dublin? Why not half way between Dublin and Donegal? Best of both worlds but still commutable.

bottlebrush

op do you know if she sees you in her future at all regardless of whether it's in Dublin or Donegal. have you discussed future plans other than where you will live?
if she's telling you she wants to live in donegal and telling her aunt she wants to live in Donegal then she means just that. what you may not know for sure is if she intends to live there with you. sorry to be blunt but it seems you have some more talking to do.

ILoveYourVibes

I wouldn't just ask her straight out. That is just words.

I would ask for action.

If there is no action its not real.

tell her you want to start looking around for a house to buy in dublin.

Remember if you want to see commitment FROM her you also have to be upping how you show your commitment to HER too.

Don't just tell her I wanna marry you girl and live in dublin etc. Show her. Get the ball moving. Pick a ring.

It's not going to feel real to her unless you do.

Brego888

Bandana boy wrote: »

unless you fancy a job gutting herons I cant imagine there is much work for you in Donegal.

Maybe they gut birds where you are from but not in Donegal.

ILoveYourVibes

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

I wouldn't just ask her straight out. That is just words.

I would ask for action.

If there is no action its not real.

tell her you want to start looking around for a house to buy in dublin.

Remember if you want to see commitment FROM her you also have to be upping how you show your commitment to HER too.

Don't just tell her I wanna marry you girl and live in dublin etc. Show her. Get the ball moving. Pick a ring.

It's not going to feel real to her unless you do.

Or hold off on the proposals, demands and ultimata - just talk with her about what she hopes her own future will be.

Decide as objectively as you can whether or not you can incorporate both of your aspirations in a shared future together or if it’s time to go your separate ways. Not every couple are cut out for a happy life together. Don’t drag it out if you can’t see yourself being happy while making her happy.

JustAThought

She is 13 years younger that you and is saying she does not want to settle in Dublin. You ARE running out of time. Dont force her into a corner by proposing her into something she dosn-t want and is very clear in saying. She has years ahead of her - you are running out of time..

ILoveYourVibes

JustAThought wrote: »

She is 13 years younger that you and is saying she does not want to settle in Dublin. You ARE running out of time. Dont force her into a corner by proposing her into something she dosn-t want and is very clear in saying. She has years ahead of her - you are running out of time..

I am sorry it came off that way or if it sounds manipulative. But i was only trying to help the OP with a strategy.

If he does that he will probably get what he wants. She will be so happy etc she will want to go ahead and they will end up in dublin.

She'll get used to it. And they can visit donegal a lot. (which i am sure is lovely )

jimmycrackcorm

Being from Donegal myself I understand what she's getting at. The quality of life there is so much higher than in Dublin, but the problem is work.

Work is the sole reason to have to stay in Dublin and put up with long commutes and an impossible mortgage. What use is it to have convenient art galleries and theatres in the city when you sing have time in the evenings or can't afford it because of the cost of living.

messy tessy

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

I am sorry it came off that way or if it sounds manipulative. But i was only trying to help the OP with a strategy.

If he does that he will probably get what he wants. She will be so happy etc she will want to go ahead and they will end up in dublin.

She'll get used to it. And they can visit donegal a lot. (which i am sure is lovely )

This is dreadful advice!
Propose to her so she'll be so happy she will forget about wanting to settle at home?!

Or simply have a chat with your girlfriend about the future.

LegacyUser

In the majority of couples, settling in the girls home place is more common than the guys.
Especially if you have kids together- the girl likes to be close to her family for support,& a rural upbringing is always a huge draw over a city upbringing (Especially if you've grown up in countryside yourself)
Yes you need to have a conversation. You're 35, she's 25. In particular if you want a family. She has years on her side to make a decision; do you really want to be starting a family in your 40s?

Ursus Horribilis

Yes, you definitely need to have a serious talk about this. I get the impression that both of you have been dancing around this because of what it means for any future you might have.

facehugger99

BornIn84 wrote: »

I never had any intention of living anywhere else.

Surely a bit of compromise is called for - why does she have to capitulate to your preference?

I couldn't handle living in Dublin TBH.

Edgware

messy tessy wrote: »

This is dreadful advice!
Propose to her so she'll be so happy she will forget about wanting to settle at home?!

Or simply have a chat with your girlfriend about the future.

She wont forget.