Ex contacted me after 6 months - Confront or ignore?

LegacyUser

My ex of 6 years broke up with me 6 months ago. Since then I've got a couple of one line messages asking how I am. The first one I replied and simply said I'm fine and left it at that, the 2nd time I ignored.

Today I got a more substantial email telling me about what she's been up to and that she's going to be in my area soon and wants to meet up. To be honest, it really pissed me off. The last year we were together she treated me pretty awfully. No mention of being sorry about how things went, or regretting the things she did, just expects me to casually meet up and hang out after everything that happened.

I had to forgive her a lot of things when we were together, had to do a lot of tongue biting because making an issue out of anything with her made the situation a million times worse, no matter how obviously she was in the wrong, or how hurtful her actions had been. When she dumped me in mystifying circumstances, I again bit my tongue and let it go. I felt like I was giving her a gift she didn't deserve by holding fire to be honest, but at the same time felt that while it would have been extremely gratifying to let off steam in the short term, I'd have felt bad about it afterwards. I didn't want to hurt her even if she'd hurt me.

In the months since, I've really missed her terribly. I know it's stupid to miss someone who treated you like crap, but I do. I still harbor this stupid irrational hope that some day she might email me and apologise for the way she treated me, and change her ways. The logical side of me knows this is a silly fantasy, but the dumbass side is a powerful presence.

When I got the email it triggered the desire to call her on all the ****ty things she did. Its still there, 6 months later I still think daily about telling her how she hurt me, but I didn't. Instead I just replied bluntly but in the nicest way I could that I didn't want to see her anymore. Cue an angry response from her calling me a child!

My blood is boiling to be honest. Like I said, I feel like I gave her a gift she didn't deserve by biting my tongue all this time. The urge to let her have both barrels is overwhelming. Its 6 months later and I haven't made much progress with getting over it. Should I just put it all out there? I don't expect it would achieve anything constructive, but maybe it would help me move on seeing her dismiss responsibility for the ****ty things she did? Maybe I need to take a breath, but if I do, I know I'll just let it go again, which may or may not be helpful in moving on.

zapper55

The best revenge is a life well lived. Do not respond again. Block her on everything. It will absolutely set you back no matter what she tells you. If she's sorry you might want to get back with her, if she's not the anger will eat you up.

6 months is nothing after a 6 year relationship. You are doing brilliantly. It mightn't feel like it but you are.

You do need to address the anger though. I find writing my thoughts down to be incredibly cathartic . And counselling was very beneficial too.

I'm glad you are out of this situation before there were kids or a house etc. Be thankful for your escape. Can you compile a bucket list? Holiday by yourself perhaps? Funnily enough that made me much stronger, like I could do anything afterwards, enough though I was terrified at the time.

ManOfMystery

In situations like this people generally advise you to let things go, to ignore her, to move on, to put it all behind you, etc.

But sometimes, we need to get things off our chest before we can do that, or they fester and continue to grow as time goes on. If you want to send a long email detailing how you perceive things, that's your right. However, I'd caution that in doing so, you don't get sucked into a long back and forth discussion - she will inevitably have her own point of view on things and if you end up spending days arguing back and forth over email you'll be taking two steps back into the final stages of your relationship - 6 months after it ended. You need to get this off your chest, then let it go - if that means ignoring her or then blocked her number and email, do so.

ginandtonicsky

Well done in doing the right thing and telling her where to go. Meeting her now would accomplish nothing and would probably only serve to stir feelings and set you back again. 6 months is no time in the general scheme of things so try to be kind on yourself. It takes time for these feelings to pass and for you to start feeling strong again.

Have you thought about seeing a counsellor to deal with these residual issues? It’s the best investment I ever made and has given me some tools for dealing with my emotions, especially the trickier ones. You might find it useful too.

I do think it could benefit you to process them but I think directing these things at your ex is the worst possible thing you could do. People don’t change and she’ll do exactly what you predict she’ll do - she’ll play the blame game and dismiss you out of hand.

Aside from counselling, do you have any other support outlets? Have you talked about this with a friend or family member?

Lotus Flower

This girl sounds like a drama junkie and she obviously gets off on rows and confrontation. Calling you a child for rightly not wanting to meet up, for example. I'd take the opposite approach of getting everything off your chest and reply reiterating that you don't see the need in meeting up and that you wish her well. Then delete and block so she can't draw you into a further discussion

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies. I stayed up half the night writing an email but didn't send in the end. I'm trying to take a breath and figure out what's best.

I'm trying to figure out my motives for wanting to send it. It's not to enact some revenge and hurt her, because I don't see the point in that and ultimately it would make me feel worse. I always try to use the most diplomatic, non confrontational language with her, but really it's impossible to say what I need to say without her kicking off. She is someone who can't handle being told she's behaved badly no matter how blatant it was.

Maybe I have some fantasy that she'll read it and actually understand, even though there's no chance of that in reality. Maybe I need to say it anyway or the dumbass in me will continue to wonder. I'm not sure I can handle an abusive response either though, which is inevitable, and maybe the reason I don't want to confront her is so that I can continue to fantasise that there is some hope.

Realistically I know its 100% over and I can never trust her again, but there is some other part of me that's struggling to accept it. I'm trying to get that part of myself up to speed and trying hard to figure out if replying/getting the inevitable abuse and blame thrown back at me will help with or hinder that.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

I can understand the impulse but I think it would be not only futile but counterproductive. Look what this degree of interaction has done.

You could probably write her response word for word anyway, right? Don't do it to yourself. You send an email, get one back from her deflecting and denying and minimising and insulting and then you have to battle not to respond to that one and she sends another one in the meantime and on and on. Just call a halt now.

You have an impressive degree of insight into both of your feelings and behaviour. You know what the healthy productive way to apply that insight is, do it.

Dial Hard

Write the email, print it off, stick it in a box somewhere and then delete it without sending.

Sometimes just the action of getting the thoughts out of your head and onto paper is enough.

Then put her out of your mind again.

Addle

Ignore and block.

Porklife

Kenley Echoing Panther wrote: »

I can understand the impulse but I think it would be not only futile but counterproductive. Look what this degree of interaction has done.

You could probably write her response word for word anyway, right? Don't do it to yourself. You send an email, get one back from her deflecting and denying and minimising and insulting and then you have to battle not to respond to that one and she sends another one in the meantime and on and on. Just call a halt now.

You have an impressive degree of insight into both of your feelings and behaviour. You know what the healthy productive way to apply that insight is, do it.

Excellent advice. Think about the follow up emails. You seem very rational and level headed so apply that now and don't react to her amateur dramatics. As the advice above states...call a halt now. Save yourself the heartache and fruitless drama Op.

wiggle16

It's hard to say what her motive was because if she solely wanted to apologise then she would not have sent that angry email, probably. Can we presume that she still wants to meet up even after sending that?

Either way, this is all about her and she's doing it for herself, not for you.
If she wants to apologise, it's clearly to assuage her own guilt about her behaviour (considering the angry email).
If she wants to get back together, then it's just as selfish and will only set you back.

Don't meet up with her, you'd only be indulging her at the expense of your own time and feelings.

If you believe it would help to get it off your chest, you could email her letting her know exactly how she made you feel during your relationship and the trouble she's causing you now, and not to contact you again. But she's not going to take any of that on board. I think you know that already tho.

Unless you really feel it would make you feel better to do that, or that whatever response you recieve might make you feel worse, you might be better off to just leave it.

Whatever you do, don't meet her, don't indulge her. She's not doing this for your benefit - so leave her to it.

LegacyUser

Similar in terms of time but I wasn't treated badly OP. Your gap since the break up is pretty short imho.
FWIW what I really found helped was a list. In their absence we can tend to idolise the person/relationship a bit, it doesn't seem like you're doing that but I was. I made a list of all the things I didn't like about her/the relationship and anytime I felt I was missing the relationship I'd pull the list out and reread it. Initially I thought the list would be short but as I thought about it the list grew.

At the outset of the breakup I said (with no ill feeling) that I'd be blocking on all social media but could be contacted by text if something serious came up. It worked for me.
Write the list, I think by hand rather than by mail, think about it. No point in sending it to her. It's a tool for you not her.
The problems she has, are there for a reason, and in time you may hope she sorts them for herself before entering another relationship, so the next step after this, is to be secretly wishing her well and forgive for the past. Easier to type than do I know.
Best wishes.

Calypso Realm

What would actually make you feel better OP?

I realise each situation is different but my rule of thumb would be to just ignore all forms of correspondence, requests to meet up etc. Silence can speak volumes in these instances. In contrast sending long emails pointing out her failings, how she hurt you etc (although understandable) only demonstrate you still have strong feelings for person so you're essentially giving away your power.

Indifference is by far, way more powerful!

Gerianam

OP, just walk away from trying to please a person who will never see and appreciate your worth....this relationship was never healthy and it never will be...
You sound like a lovely person and there is a healthy, loving relationship waiting for you... free your heart to be open to it.... please...

Arrival

In situations like this, where it ended badly, it's best to literally never acknowledge them again, don't give them that satisfaction of feeling like they've any kind of influence on you anymore. They're dead to you and they should be made realise that, maybe then they'll consider the reasons behind why you've completely ghosted them. Concentrate on yourself and your long-term personal goals and what will make you happy. From what you say, she was a ****ty partner so be glad you're free of her and able to meet a woman who isn't a ****ty partner.

dellas1979

You need to get this off your chest - this your closure, and then block.

I would keep it short and about you (not accusatory).

"I felt very hurt by your betrayal and actions. I believe you dont take responsibility for your actions. This is a testament to your character. I have moved on from this, and suggest you do the same. Calling people names is childish - the irony. Bye"

End of transmission. And never ever contact her again.

Ursus Horribilis

It's not clear if you ever went for counselling after the break-up. I think that you badly need to talk all of this through with someone who isn't your ex. You have a lot that you need to get off your chest, which is understandable. Given the sort of person your ex seems to be, I don't believe calling her out on her ****ty behaviour etc. would work at all. People like her don't have the self-reflection and empathy that you do. She would most likely twist the facts and turn it back on you. All that'll do is make you feel worse. And you'll regret having interacted with her at all. She hasn't changed one bit - that response where she called you a child says it all. Her reasons for wanting to meet up with you are purely for her benefit.

I think you would be far better off exploring why you put up with six years of this. You'd still be with her too if she hadn't ended it, wouldn't you? Why did you have to bite your tongue and tolerate her ill treatment of you? I think those reasons should be explored before you start dating again. You could find yourself with someone just like her and the cycle would begin again.

Not replying to any more of her texts or emails is a better response than engaging with her again. People don't like being ignored. It would show strength on your behalf too, that you are indifferent to her now.

Yellow pack crisps

Write the email, print it and read it aloud and then burn it. Then move on with your life. 6 months is nothing in terms of the length of your relationship. One day you won’t actually give a feck about her.

leggo

Having been through this a couple of times, including having them come crawling back, I’ll tell you something slightly different to everyone else: there’s a good chance she probably will admit she was wrong. She’ll confess everything, tell you what you want to hear, apologise up and down, all that.

The next stage is you slowly realise she’s still the same person she always was and that the words were just to manipulate you because, a lot of the time, these people get a kick out of being able to treat someone badly and get them back on command.

It can actually help opening your eyes too, I’m not gonna lie. When you get space away from them and see life is good, then go back and see how hollow their words are, it can flick a switch in your brain that just makes you see them for what they are instead of what you wanted them to be. But don’t go in blind if you do act on this. This is almost definitely the end result if you did act on it, and if you did go back then the end result would likely be going through the same again.

ILoveYourVibes

Firstly I am very sorry you went through this. I totally can see how her not owning what she did can mean she doesn't care. And i understand how that would affect your sense of self worth etc.

What she did was totally childish and uncaring. But that is who she is.

Its not who you are though. She won't ever get what is emotionally normal. Not at this stage.

I am really sorry. There is someone out there who will truly value you and treat you right.

Should I just put it all out there?

Sure put it all out there.


Then tell her to do one.

bucketybuck

I think she would love you to "give her both barrells" and "put it all out there", she would probably love that as it gives her all the power back.

She sounds like a drama whore and so it probably eats at her that you didn't beg her to stay or spend the last 6 months on your knees crying, she doesn't have closure because while she doesn't want you she still wants you to desire her, and you not responding leaves an itch she can't scratch. And so she contacts you periodically looking for a reaction that she probably couldn't even put into words.

The drama of you unloading would suit her perfectly. She now becomes the victim, you are the childish bad guy and she gets her validation and moral high ground.

Don't give it to her. Letting it all out won't change her one bit, there is no happy ending where some home truths get her to change her ways and give a meaningful apology, instead there will just be more drama that will reset your mental timer on you moving on from her.

Let it all out somewhere, sure, but not to her. Don't give her that power over you.

jive

As most have said, don’t waste your time. You’ll feel better in the long run if you say nothing as it won’t achieve anything and she’ll never see it from your perspective no matter how well written.

Also your progress will not be linear. You may still be wrecking your own head about this 6 months down the line but you’ll find after 9 months maybe you’re over it a tiny bit more, 12 months you’re still having your moments occasionally and 18 months you’ll be glad you got kicked to the curb.

It’s clear you self-analyse and are empathetic, those 2 traits alone will work out very well for you in the long run. Don’t define yourself about what 1 person feels about you and try to stop thinking about it too much (easier said than done, try keep busy).

dellas1979

bucketybuck wrote: »

I think she would love you to "give her both barrells" and "put it all out there", she would probably love that as it gives her all the power back.

She sounds like a drama whore and so it probably eats at her that you didn't beg her to stay or spend the last 6 months on your knees crying, she doesn't have closure because while she doesn't want you she still wants you to desire her, and you not responding leaves an itch she can't scratch. And so she contacts you periodically looking for a reaction that she probably couldn't even put into words.

The drama of you unloading would suit her perfectly. She now becomes the victim, you are the childish bad guy and she gets her validation and moral high ground.

Don't give it to her. Letting it all out won't change her one bit, there is no happy ending where some home truths get her to change her ways and give a meaningful apology, instead there will just be more drama that will reset your mental timer on you moving on from her.

Let it all out somewhere, sure, but not to her. Don't give her that power over you.

God-I hate when someone is right.

LegacyUser

Thanks again for all the replies. You must all be good people to spend your time counselling hopeless, sad saps on the internet

I didn't reply. The impulse is still very strong, but it's very true that there is a lot of power in silence (as some posters have said), and I don't want to hastily piss that away without thinking about it very carefully.

I arranged to go see a counsellor too. I don't know if will help but it's worth a try.

fallen01angel

zapper55 wrote: »

The best revenge is a life well lived. Do not respond again. Block her on everything. It will absolutely set you back no matter what she tells you. If she's sorry you might want to get back with her, if she's not the anger will eat you up.

6 months is nothing after a 6 year relationship. You are doing brilliantly. It mightn't feel like it but you are.

You do need to address the anger though. I find writing my thoughts down to be incredibly cathartic . And counselling was very beneficial too.

This......a million times this!! There has been some very good advice given but the above really says it all,she made her choice as she was entitled to do and now you can make yours........hanging on to what you deem justifiable anger doesn't hurt her,it only hurts you......the most positive thing you can do is block her on every possible platform and if she does manage to find a way to contact you just delete.
I'm a great believer in better out than in,confide in family/close friends if that's an option for you. If it's not then maybe seek a more professional source if that's something you're comfortable with.
Stay strong.

ILoveYourVibes

bucketybuck wrote: »

I think she would love you to "give her both barrells" and "put it all out there", she would probably love that as it gives her all the power back.

correct

In fact you might actually end up looking like the bad guy or the crazy one. And that will give her a lot of power back.

She wants you to REACT to her.

LegacyUser

She wants to meet up with you to prove to herself that things are good between you, and you still like her. It's all about her. It's always all about her. People like her have a selfish streak that they can't see past. I'd be very tempted to send the email. But if you do, do it knowing she will 100% deny anything you lay out in it, and even turn it back on how ridiculous and petty you are. If you think you can do it without getting caught up in the aftermath I'd say go for it. It won't change anything about her. But it might stop her contacting you in future.

beauf

[.... To be honest, it really pissed me off. The last year we were together she treated me pretty awfully. ....[/quote]

Don't waste any of your time on this person.

Any form of contact especially email is just dragging you down. Instead of that, go do something else that being positivity into your life. Something like exercise that keeps your mind busy.

Ursus Horribilis

Anon1245794613 wrote: »

...I didn't reply. The impulse is still very strong, but it's very true that there is a lot of power in silence (as some posters have said), and I don't want to hastily piss that away without thinking about it very carefully.

I arranged to go see a counsellor too. I don't know if will help but it's worth a try.

Well done. Stay strong - you'll be so glad you did. I'm pleased to see you've arranged to see a counsellor too. Hopefully that will take away much of your anger and that itch you need to scratch.

BohsCeltic

Similar position too . And all the advice i get is to just delete everything related to her.

I treated her so good but she always found something to complain about.

My family and friends hate her because I went into depression after we finished.
It was me that finished because she was just putting me down all the time.

One year later and she is is still texting me. Stupidly sometimes I answer . But all it leads to is me feeling like crap.

I answered a call a while ago to her and she was back to her old ways complaining.

So I just turned off but left me feeling down. Need to just erase her from my life. Sometimes easier said than done.

And as they say silence is golden.
Just angry that all the things I done for her but no respect.

Time to spend more time with my family and friends. People who care.

Ursus Horribilis

Maybe you too should go for counselling and try to get to the bottom of why you (a) continued in this relationship despite the way your ex treated you and (b) can't get over her. It has been a year and you're still not free from her.

BohsCeltic

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Maybe you too should go for counselling and try to get to the bottom of why you (a) continued in this relationship despite the way your ex treated you and (b) can't get over her. It has been a year and you're still not free from her.

I've done CBT and also counselling. I already have anxiety and depression so it didn't help, not that she cared anyway.

I've blocked everything now, just sometimes a song would come on the radio or i'd see something on tv and just gets the brain thinking.

I know i have to let go, everyone says the same so i have to listen to them. I have to listen to myself too because my brain is saying to erase her from my life.

Ursus Horribilis

What was so great about her?

BohsCeltic

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

What was so great about her?

For a long time everything, likes much of the same things, made me laugh, made me happy and everyone could see i was happy.

Then all of a sudden it was just like someone flicked a switch and her mood changed so much.

The smallest things that happened were always my fault. We traveled Asia and i paid for everything, One time a flight was delayed and it was apparently my fault. We didn't speak at all on on that flight.

But then it just more intense and everything i done good was always bad in her eyes. I lost the head one night because i was so angry i told her to go see a Doctor as i was pretty sure she is bi-polar.

It was just like her heart turned to stone. I don't know why but it wasn't helping me. She could talk about her problems and i would listen but if i talked about mine she wouldn't listen.

As my Mother said to me you deserve better.

Ursus Horribilis

Sounds like some sort of narcissist. From that I know of them, they love-bomb the object of their affections until they're hooked. Then they turn nasty but the poor sap they've reeled in can't get past the lovely person they were at the start.

BohsCeltic

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Sounds like some sort of narcissist. From that I know of them, they love-bomb the object of their affections until they're hooked. Then they turn nasty but the poor sap they've reeled in can't get past the lovely person they were at the start.

That is true. Because when i wasn't well she was on the phone to my Mother, my Mother explained i wasn't well and she showed no emotion or empathy.

F*ck her anyway, she is stuck with the same tattoo we got in Asia. For me it doesn't remind me of her, it reminds me of my football team.

Only cares about herself. I am much different, i take pride in helping others who are nice and respectful.

You wouldn't believe half the things she said to me before, pure evil is the only way to describe it.

wiggle16

BohsCeltic wrote: »

F*ck her anyway, she is stuck with the same tattoo we got in Asia.

Scarlet for her

I think the only way you're going to get past her is to find a way to stop thinking of her entirely, not the good, not the bad - and I know that's useless as advice. I think you should continue with the CBT if you're no longer doing it. Be honest with the facilitator about why you're doing it, about your ex, warts and all. It will help.

You will come out the other side of this in time.

BohsCeltic

wiggle16 wrote: »

Scarlet for her

I think the only way you're going to get past her is to find a way to stop thinking of her entirely, not the good, not the bad - and I know that's useless as advice. I think you should continue with the CBT if you're no longer doing it. Be honest with the facilitator about why you're doing it, about your ex, warts and all. It will help.

You will come out the other side of this in time.

Ha ha, yes every time she washes her face in the mirror she will be reminded

What done it for me was the way she spoke about my family. My Nephew has ASD and cannot speak so i learned some sign language, showed her it before and she said i don't care.
Heartless b*itch.

I'll get back onto my job about more CBT sessions as i know they will help.