Help

firsthouse

Hi,

I was wondering if anybody can help me come to terms with my issues.
My partner of 14 years has been having an online/snapchat affair and had been communicating with men in other countries and exchanging naked pics.
When i confronted her she said she was lonely and felt worthless and the attraction made her feel good. I know i may have probably let the relationship slip in time but does that excuse her infidelity. I previously found a penal letter from a person incarcerated in a US prison followed by a follow up valentines day card sent to her parcel motel address. When i confronted her on the letter and card she said it was only a pen pal thing and was lonely. i suggested counselling as i found the trust had gone and the relationship was damaged. she decided to do counselling for herself and did so.. i noticed her snapchat count was increasing more than her friends and family and did not make sense. i had a gut feeling she was hiding something from me on her phone and was secretive bringing it to the shower etc and never leaving it down.
She upgraded her phone and found her old phone and while i was trying to back up her pics of our children to our computer i seen she had screenshot pictures of communication on Yahoo chat and sent explicit pics on Snapchat.

When confronted on the pics and chat with other males and females she claimed she was emotionally abused and her Father took her from our home with our 2 kids and wanted to resort to violence after what she had told him her lies.
He asked me to move out so she could move in and calm down for a few days which i said no problem and he then proceeded to change the locks and she went into Dolphin House looking for a barring order to keep me from residing from the house.
She was granted a hearing for a safety protection order with her lies she has portrayed for September.
Since then i needed to get a solicitor and he communicated to her to change back the locks which they did and i moved back in resulting in her moving out with the 2 kids.
She has revoked/cancelled visitation on agreed days and has limited my access to the kids to 1/2 per week with no overnight stays and to be returned at 6:30

Im stupidly thinking it can be salvaged even after what she has done.
Can anybody advise if they had similar experience and what happens in regards to court. What is the legal standing in regard to my circumstances and should i be confident in getting joint custody.

This is all very hard to take and even though she has destroyed me in many regards i wish her no harm as she is the mother of my children but think she needs psychiatric help. She obviously has no coinscence as my kids are my life and i wouldn't be able to use them like she is against her if shoe was on other foot. How can someone be so nasty after 14 years.
We also own a house together as joint tenants and not married.
I don't see myself ever putting myself out there to be hurt like i am now if I'm honest. Think i have been broken mentally. Cannot even think straight or think of anything else without the problems at hand flooding into my thoughts.

Any constructive advice is greatly appreciated.

LegacyUser

firsthouse wrote: »

<Mod snip>

Sounds like she's moved on a long time ago, I'm in the middle of a messy breakdown myself and trying to repair the damage, I don't know what to say there than it definitely looks like your relaionship is over with her and her family

leggo

You’ve caught a bad, broken egg unfortunately. I’d imagine there are psychological issues at play for her and the nastiness is stemming from her getting caught and being unable to face up to what she’s done or the issues behind it that made her this way. So, for what it’s worth, it’s not your fault and there’s likely nothing you could’ve done that would’ve ended in a different result.

I’d suggest emotionally trying to detach yourself from the hope of rekindling or her changing. Fake it til you make it here if you need to, make the smart decisions you know need to be made and wait for your emotions to catch up. And they will in time, trust me.

As for the house and kids: you’ve got a solicitor so pursue as much as you can in terms of keeping the home and access mercilessly. She is no doubt going to be merciless with you and, if you back off because of emotions, you risk losing everything. So listen to your solicitor, be proactive, and again fake it til you make it and be smart here.

ILoveYourVibes

This is unfixable. The pathology is too deep.

Beta Ray Bill

Hi OP

This sounds awful.
I say this to everyone: relationships are based entirely on trust and respect.
If either one of those is gone (In your case both) the relationship is over, and you need to get out.
Don't even bother trying to salvage it.

Out of interest, you had a 14 year relationship, how long do you suspect this stuff has been going on?

In relation to the house, If you're living there, you should buy her out or get her to buy you out if she's living there or force a sale. Don't listen to this "What about our kids home" crap.
Joint assets are a pain in the swiss (I'm recently out of this situation and it's been a major weight off my shoulders)

Finally in relation to the kids, I'd avoid courts if possible, If not possible you need to go all in and make sure your solicitor goes all in too, to get you access to your kids.
If she has been penpaling some prisoner in the US I'd argue she has some severe mental health issues (as you've stated) and the kids really shouldn't be with her. (For the kids safety)

You need to think of yourself and your kids now OP, she's a lost cause.