Want to help my mom declutter the house... Possible hoarding

stop animal cruelty

Hi all

I feel my mom is a hoarder. Every press on the kitchen, every closet in the house is packed with stuff there with years. Stuff that's been in the house longer than me and I've never seen used.

I'm a bit embarrassed to even mention how many glasses, lunch boxes, towels etc etc we have. She stocks up on so much, with so much I'm not messing we could put our local shop out of business.

I remember a time someone was in our house, and saw the number of glue tubes and made the remark "jeez ye must break a lot of things". Im finding it frustrating seeing all this stuff we just don't need, being bought cause it's either on offer or we'll still use it..... But not for years to come.

I came to the end of my teather one day and boxed some items and gave them to the charity shop. I told her I had done it. She went to the shop and brought everything home again. Not 1 item is of sentimental value to her.

I'm not looking to be nit -picked over this, it's affecting my father also, and I just want them both to be happy with want they have. There's no need for so much stuff that will not be used.

Is there anything I can do? I have done some research and it's probably some anxiety thing.

Or perhaps someone could recommend some book I could buy?

antix80

Unless it's a danger to her (fire risk, trip hazard) I'd probably tell you to butt out. Sounds like you upset her enough already so she won't be receptive to your advice however well-meaning.

stop animal cruelty

antix80 wrote: »

Unless it's a danger to her (fire risk, trip hazard) I'd probably tell you to butt out. Sounds like you upset her enough already so she won't be receptive to your advice however well-meaning.

It's hard to butt out though. I've kept quiet about this for a few years, it's only recently when we were getting some work done in the house, the amount of stuff was over whelming.

It's both my parents sharing the house and they can't communicate properly about issues like this. I want to help, I actually think she would feel better if half the stuff was gone. My father is holding a lot of frustration about it in, and I'm sure one day he's just gonna explode and we're gonna have another thing to deal with, that could have been prevented in the first place.

antix80

But taking stuff to the charity shop just made her entrench her position.
Marie kondo the magic art of tidying up.. good book, but she says in it to worry about yourself and not try to force other people to tidy.

It’s not your house. Your father can say something or say nothing to his wife about their house, but you don’t have that right.

My folks were the same. It drove me up the walls. But if it’s just clutter and not filth, dirt and toxic, your options are limited to minding your own business and moving out, or putting up with it and staying where you are.

When you have your own home you can decide what’s okay there but in your parents home, you have no right to make an issue out of this.

Not easy at times I know but that’s how it is.

ArtyC

Honestly unless it’s dangerous it really isn’t any of your business

Dial Hard

JayZeus wrote:

But if it’s just clutter and not filth, dirt and toxic...

It's very difficult to clean properly around a certain level of clutter, though. I can understand why the OP is concerned, hoarding behaviour tends to escalate.

OP, I think you need to sit down with your dad and work out a joint approach to this. It might also be a good idea to have a chat with an expert in dealing with this issue about the best way to approach it. Any intervention that your mother views as an attack is likely to fail.

How old are your parents? (Apologies if you mentioned this in your OP, I'm on the app so can't see your post while I reply.) My fear would be that if your father predeceases your mother, this behaviour could get very out of control very quickly. It's very possible that his presence is keeping much of it in check.

Ursus Horribilis

Have you spoken to your father about this? He's the only person who can do something about this. That is, if he wants to. The best you can do is offer to help if a decluttering is to take place. Help, not take charge...

People who are hoarders to the extent that your mother is wouldn't change their ways even if Marie Kondo swooped in on their homes. It is a psychological issue that reading a book won't help. You getting involved in any way will just make things worse. How would you like it if someone marched into your room and decided that you didn't need half the contents of it? You might think that what you brought to the charity shop was of no sentimental value to your mother. That she went to the trouble of getting it all back tells a different story.

ILoveYourVibes

stop animal cruelty wrote: »

Hi all

I feel my mom is a hoarder. Every press on the kitchen, every closet in the house is packed with stuff there with years. Stuff that's been in the house longer than me and I've never seen used.

I'm a bit embarrassed to even mention how many glasses, lunch boxes, towels etc etc we have. She stocks up on so much, with so much I'm not messing we could put our local shop out of business.

I remember a time someone was in our house, and saw the number of glue tubes and made the remark "jeez ye must break a lot of things". Im finding it frustrating seeing all this stuff we just don't need, being bought cause it's either on offer or we'll still use it..... But not for years to come.

I came to the end of my teather one day and boxed some items and gave them to the charity shop. I told her I had done it. She went to the shop and brought everything home again. Not 1 item is of sentimental value to her.

I'm not looking to be nit -picked over this, it's affecting my father also, and I just want them both to be happy with want they have. There's no need for so much stuff that will not be used.

Is there anything I can do? I have done some research and it's probably some anxiety thing.

Or perhaps someone could recommend some book I could buy?

I am a TOTAL hoarder. Its ridiculous!

I think its the over whelming thought of doing it etc.

I would LOVE someone to declutter my home for me!

I want to do it its not like clingyness ..i just want to rent a skip and put it all in

I think its just the stress of it.

Marie Kondo has a book.

I don't need the psycho part i just need my lazy ass to do it! Or someone to do it for me :P

Here is the marie kondo book

https://www.asos.com/books/how-to-clean-your-house-and-tidy-up-your-life/prd/12506464?&channelref=product+search&mk=abc&currencyid=19&browseCountry=IE&channelref=product+search&affid=16775&mk=abc&ppcadref=848673045%7C45735284800%7Cpla-330212146240&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIq7fLq_jX4wIVx7HtCh2ecwfKEAQYBSABEgL8vfD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds

beauf

At a certain point is an illness.

https://www2.hse.ie/conditions/mental-health/hoarding-disorder.html

I know a couple of people who hoard and it definitely has a severe detrimental impact on both their day to day living and mental health.

I think you'd need professional help. I've got nowhere with the people I know.

Unanimous

Lmao! why did you tell her that you took them to the charity shop?
Dont tell her next time when you give them out.
just select things that you are sure are not needed and she wont remember and give them out.

noodler

I feel for you OP.

It's worse in mine.

Whole rooms are taken up by crap, people can't stay over despite having spare rooms etc.

It's been years and it's hurting the people who love be there but not being directly addressed.

ILoveYourVibes

noodler wrote: »

I feel for you OP.

It's worse in mine.

Whole rooms are taken up by crap, people can't stay over despite having spare rooms etc.

It's been years and it's hurting the people who love be there but not being directly addressed.

Yeah I SWEAR i get it from my dad. He has rooms full of books that are probably out of date on most of their info. Old papers etc. Actually my mom too. She has old printing equipment that doesn't work anymore. She would actually cry like a child if you asked her to get rid of it. We even got new equipment. She was like isn't it great we have both!

I am so the same. I wish i wasn't!

The hoarding genes are strong folks!

igCorcaigh

Does your mother have anything to care for anymore?

Do your parents keep pets?

igCorcaigh

I mean, mothers can be natural carers.

And when the children move on, there's something missing.

The past is a hard thing to let go of.

beauf

It's not simply the past it's a need to collect things that you don't need. Or will ever need.

Like collecting blank vhs tapes when you don't have vhs Player/recorder. Or blank floppy disks when you've never used a computer. Then multiply that by 1000 bits and pieces.

Keeping paperwork like invoices going back decades from companies that stopped trading 20yrs ago.

Or having 10 boxes of Xmas decorations but don't put any up because there is no room. Or buying boxes to keep empty boxes in.

ILoveYourVibes

beauf wrote: »

It's not simply the past it's a need to collect things that you don't need. Or will every need.

Like collecting blank vhs tapes when you don't have vhs Player/recorder. Or blank floppy disks when you've never used a computer. Then multiply that by 1000 bits and pieces.

Keeping paperwork like invoices going back decades from companies that stopped trading 20yrs ago.

Or having 10 boxes of Xmas decorations but don't put any up because there is no room. Or buying boxes to keep empty boxes in.

My dad and my mother.

I think we need therapy.

They keep saying they will convert old family videos. They only started to convert them a year ago though.

We have old recipe books etc. I kind of like some of them.

Partic with old receipts and book keeping. We have my grandfathers book keeping.

beauf

Old family videos isn't hoarding though.

woodchuck

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

I am a TOTAL hoarder. Its ridiculous!

I think its the over whelming thought of doing it etc.

I would LOVE someone to declutter my home for me!

I want to do it its not like clingyness ..i just want to rent a skip and put it all in

I think its just the stress of it.

ILoveYourVibes, I know you're trying to relate to the OP, but you do NOT sound like a hoarder. I would also love for someone to come to my place and declutter for me. All that reflects though is a lack of motivation/energy/time to do it. This is not the same as being an actual hoarder. The OP said that despite the fact that she removed some junk from the house, the mother went after it to get it back - that is getting into real hoarder territory.

OP if you just want to try treat the symptom, you could bring stuff to the charity shop again, but this time don't tell her. If/when she realises it's gone, it will be too late.

However the underlying cause is another issue. And unfortunately, like most mental illnesses, it's up to the person themselves to realise they have a problem and take steps to get better. Have you or your father tried talking to her about this?

ILoveYourVibes

woodchuck wrote: »

ILoveYourVibes, I know you're trying to relate to the OP, but you do NOT sound like a hoarder.

OMG you have not seen how i live!

Tokyo

Mod:

ILoveYourVibes, please remember that the thread is about the OP's issue, not your issue. While we all use personal experiences to guide our advice, the last few posts are delving into your life, which isn't of help to the OP.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

My granny's like this, boxes of kids board games from the 90s with half the pieces missing, bags and bags of clothes and shoes that she's picked up in charity shops that she doesn't wear, that nobody else wants but somebody might at one point, every press falling down with crockery. One of her daughters lives in Australia, when she's home every couple of years she does a big clear out and it is WAR.

Seriously, war. My aunt is right like, one of the biggest arguments was over trying to get rid of one of the three CD/radio things she had. In one room. But it's genuinely damaged her relationship with her mother and caused a lot of stress among her siblings.

Thing is, the rest of them do get rid of stuff, they just do it on the sly. My granny's in her late 80s now and not as sharp as she used to be but even when she was, she wouldn't notice a bag of stuff here, a box there gone. Not enough to overhaul things but enough to keep the house liveable.

You have to weigh this up, is it actually causing any harm or is it just annoying the piss out of you? If it is, or is becoming a genuine problem then you need to approach your dad and jointly come up with some sort of direct approach. If it isn't I'd say do a few discreet charity shop clear outs and if it does come to a confrontation between them you can back him up.

I think with hoarders a lot of it comes from needing to control their environment in a weird way. My granny grew up during the Emergency, married at 19, clatter of kids, really one of the only aspects of her life she has control of is that house. She also comes from a time of scarcity and want, she's really weird about food as well. Do you have any ideas about what might be at the root of this? It can be easier to live with if you have some insight there ime.

You can't make her change and it is her house. I understand you're concerned and frustrated but by god nobody can dig their heels in like a boarder, I think especially when it's their kids trying to deal with it.

ElizaBennett

The programmes on TV about hoarding are really helpful in understanding the issue. Very often the person has suffered loss of some kind and is literally trying to build a wall of protection around themselves with stuff, so they feel safely hemmed in. If you think your mother has some kind of trauma she is living with then counselling could really help. otherwise I like the advice of chipping away at getting rid of things on the sly. Eg take six tubes of glue and leave two, bin anything totally useless like paperwork or shopping bags but not to the extent the drawer is bare and it's obvious. It'll help you cope to know you're doing something to stave off total mess. It's a bit underhanded but done for the best motives.

stop animal cruelty

igCorcaigh wrote: »

Does your mother have anything to care for anymore?

Do your parents keep pets?

It's just her and my dad. We do have dogs and a cat.

stop animal cruelty

noodler wrote: »

I feel for you OP.

It's worse in mine.

Whole rooms are taken up by crap, people can't stay over despite having spare rooms etc.

It's been years and it's hurting the people who love be there but not being directly addressed.

That's is tough.... Thankfully the bit that bad, but its in the back of my head things could get that bad.

stop animal cruelty

woodchuck wrote: »

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

I am a TOTAL hoarder. Its ridiculous!

I think its the over whelming thought of doing it etc.

I would LOVE someone to declutter my home for me!

I want to do it its not like clingyness ..i just want to rent a skip and put it all in

I think its just the stress of it.

ILoveYourVibes, I know you're trying to relate to the OP, but you do NOT sound like a hoarder. I would also love for someone to come to my place and declutter for me. All that reflects though is a lack of motivation/energy/time to do it. This is not the same as being an actual hoarder. The OP said that despite the fact that she removed some junk from the house, the mother went after it to get it back - that is getting into real hoarder territory.

OP if you just want to try treat the symptom, you could bring stuff to the charity shop again, but this time don't tell her. If/when she realises it's gone, it will be too late.

However the underlying cause is another issue. And unfortunately, like most mental illnesses, it's up to the person themselves to realise they have a problem and take steps to get better. Have you or your father tried talking to her about this?

I have alright, it's always the same thing.... "I know I must ill get around it someday" Or "no I want to keep that".....

As well as old and unused stuff, for example if there's an offer on washing liquid, she buy ten bottle. If there's a stack of loo roll in a restaurant, she ll steal a few of them.

It's frustrating and embarrassing.

stop animal cruelty

Kellen Warm Chip wrote: »

My granny's like this, boxes of kids board games from the 90s with half the pieces missing, bags and bags of clothes and shoes that she's picked up in charity shops that she doesn't wear, that nobody else wants but somebody might at one point, every press falling down with crockery. One of her daughters lives in Australia, when she's home every couple of years she does a big clear out and it is WAR.

Seriously, war. My aunt is right like, one of the biggest arguments was over trying to get rid of one of the three CD/radio things she had. In one room. But it's genuinely damaged her relationship with her mother and caused a lot of stress among her siblings.

Thing is, the rest of them do get rid of stuff, they just do it on the sly. My granny's in her late 80s now and not as sharp as she used to be but even when she was, she wouldn't notice a bag of stuff here, a box there gone. Not enough to overhaul things but enough to keep the house liveable.

You have to weigh this up, is it actually causing any harm or is it just annoying the piss out of you? If it is, or is becoming a genuine problem then you need to approach your dad and jointly come up with some sort of direct approach. If it isn't I'd say do a few discreet charity shop clear outs and if it does come to a confrontation between them you can back him up.

I think with hoarders a lot of it comes from needing to control their environment in a weird way. My granny grew up during the Emergency, married at 19, clatter of kids, really one of the only aspects of her life she has control of is that house. She also comes from a time of scarcity and want, she's really weird about food as well. Do you have any ideas about what might be at the root of this? It can be easier to live with if you have some insight there ime.

You can't make her change and it is her house. I understand you're concerned and frustrated but by god nobody can dig their heels in like a boarder, I think especially when it's their kids trying to deal with it.

You've made a good point, a need for some kind of control. As a parent she was quite controlling of us.

It drives my dad nuts as well, but he holds back because it goes off the head fairly lightly and he doesn't want an argument,

I've tried talking to my sibling about it and they just take no notice. I can see its a problem. It's not normal buying 10 of every f-ing thing when the presses are packed already.

Even at Christmas the amount of food she buys, and many would be gone off. Tbh the last tin were probably finished 2 mk on the ago only. Every year I say to tell to stop buying so many.

I'll be honest I have lost the rag with her 2 once or twice about this and I feel guilty when I do. I don't think she'll change, I was just hoping someone might have some story of how they would have helped someone in this suitation.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

I think a mental health professional can help a hoarder who acknowledges the problem and really wants to fix it, outside of that I don't know of anyone who's "fixed" this as an issue.

It's something that's not based in reason so you're not going to be able to reason her out of it "mam come on you have ten of these you don't need more/mam these have been here 20 years they won't be used".

She's a person with controlling elements in her personality so you making executive decisions and getting rid of things and then telling her after the fact won't work, you've seen the ridiculous lengths she went to there which I'd guess is as at least as much about not being told what to do as about the objects themselves.

Your father and sibling are not willing or not able to back you up.

I'm sorry I know that's a big long list of things you already know and are of no help but I think if you look at the situation in the round and with a bit of distance from your (totally understandable and valid) frustration maybe it can be a bit clearer that this just not a hill worth dying on.

Tbh the more you reveal about her and about the family dynamics the more I'd be thinking taking a big old step back in general wouldn't be the worst idea. I completely get what you're saying about losing the head and then feeling awful, maybe just don't have your family so much in your head in general? I don't mean estrangement or anything like.

SirChenjin

I'd agree with electro. I think the best thing for your own sake is to step back. I know your intentions are good.

I won't pretend to be an expert because I'm not but I think it's probably something that a hoarder cannot help doing. For whatever reason.

I would have to say something if I saw her taking toilet paper in a restaurant, because it's there. But other than that, I would honestly leave her to it.

There's no easy answer. But you need to look out for yourself first. Do your best not to let it get to you.